Feel like I've reached the end of the road. Don't want to be alive anymore

[soakedonsplash]

The whole thing is a long story and I'm sorry that I just don't feel up to telling it all right now. First went to see my GP 3 months ago and got signed off work - in that time I have tried an antidepressant, had three assessments with local mental health services, gone on the waiting list for several talking therapies before I finally decided to just pay to go private about a month ago. Nothing has made me feel even slightly better - to be honest things have just gotten so much worse. Thought I was suicidal back in november but that was nothing compared to now. I am just so tired, I get no enjoyment from anything and even just getting out of bed each morning feels like a massive ordeal. To be honest I feel like I have made my mind up that I just want to kill myself, but something always keeps stopping me at the last minute. I'd been planning for weeks to go through with it last Friday - I needed to go into town to buy something I needed. I had a GP appointment on Friday which I thought would get me up and dressed and into town but wouldn't actually go to the appointment. Something made me go to the appointment though, told him how I feel. My GP was great and convinced me to give something else a go. But mental health services contacted me again later that day with nothing like what I had agreed with GP - in fact they offered me nothing at all. My husband called them back to have a bit of a moan and they said they would call me today with more options - of course I've had no call from them today. Lovely GP called around lunch time to see how I was/what the plan was. Explained what had happened and I was waiting for a call - GP has said he will ring me again tomorrow.

That was a lot longer than I thought. But basically - I feel 100% sure that I just don't want to be alive anymore. I have a plan that I know will work and I can actually see myself going through with. I keep thinking I will just wait and see what happens next appointment/phone call but I always regret it because nothing happens. I feel so angry at myself for going to the appointment on Friday. Keep thinking I shouldn't be here anymore and deal with this shit. Doesn't seem to be any point asking for help because nobody thinks I deserve it. I just don't know what to do. Well, I do - I want to die, but I just can't go through with it and I hate myself for it.

soaked
Even though it required a great deal of courage to see the counsellor, the fact you did it and overcame your fear shows you have strength and there is a big part of you that wants to find effective treatment. Really sorry to hear the counsellor hasn't been very helpful. Perhaps a different counsellor would make a difference?

OP, I think calling the crisis team would be a reasonable thing for you to do right now. They have lists of people to get through, they're overworked, things can get missed. Its almost certainly not that they don't want to and don't think you deserve it - but it may be that they don't realise yet how bad things are for you. You can just call them and explain that you have been feeling that you can no longer cope, don't want to be alive and have formed a plan, like you explained in your op. They need to know that to help you.

I just really don't understand the rules about when you're allowed to phone them. Either I want to kill myself - in which case I'm not going to ring them because then they'll stop me. Or I want to but can't do it for whatever reason, in which case surely I shouldn't be ringing them?

I suppose it's not really either of those things as such - it's that you're in a state where you are thinking quite seriously about suicide, and are very depressed, and that is the issue. It's possible to want to do something, intend to do something, and also with another part of yourself not want to and be trying to stop yourself or feel unable to in whatever way. In fact I think that's pretty normal in lots of less serious situations too - to be in two minds as it were.

You have a right to phone them, and explain what you're going through, without having to pin down that either/or.

Hi op

I'm not going to give you any platitudes or meaningless blather

What I'm getting from your writing is the possibility that you don't want to die as in the physical act, but that you want the life you are living and have lived to end. That's a different meaning altogether.

So if we deal with what you have been doing and saying, or rather the evidence

1. You have kept several GP appts
2. You have engaged with the mental health team several times
3. You have told your husband how you feel
4. You are still answering the phone
5. You are on here talking and typing
6. You were in therapy, but the therapist sees you as a risk

To her business insurance etc, so you are not happy to Engage with her anymore

So seeing as we are on a roll here, do you feel able to list the things you feel hard to deal with about yourself, or your life?

I am still seeing the therapist but now feel like I have to hide things from her which seems to defeat the point and means there's a lot we don't talk about.

I just hate myself, there's not much more I can say than that. I'm a terrible person, I'm not good at anything and I just seem to have a negative effect on everyone's lives. I just feel like I don't fit in properly in this world - like there's some set of rules that everyone else follows and knows, but I don't know what they are and I try and figure them out and I think I'm mostly successful but quite often I'll obviously break them and I just don't understand because I thought I'd worked out the rules but I never have.

Ok

So your not killing kittens or robbing banks...

These life rules? I think I might have missed the memo on these as well
Are you able to expand on which ones, are passing you by or you've messed up?
If you are fairly successful but are or will mess this up , either now or in the
Future, can you tell me what the impact on yourself or others is?
Not what you think it is, but real consequences.

If you don't fit in as you say, how does this manifest itself to you?
Im off to pick up my Tesco click and collect, I'll be back in a while.

No, just like social rules. Like understanding when it's my turn to speak in a conversation. Or what is/isn't the right thing to say. Or I never understand whether it's okay to ask for help or if I am just being attention seeking. I feel like I'm always seen as the freak - sometimes I will say something and people will just start laughing and I don't understand why. Or people complain that I am cold/rude and I don't understand why. It's not like I think there are actual rules - but that's what it seems like to me. Like everyone else has read a rule book and I haven''t.

Even this feels pathetic. Like, nothing that bad is/ has happened to me. I should just be able to deal with this but for some reason I can't.

soaked I think your analysis of why you feel inhibited speaking to the counsellor sounds spot on, given what she told you. That is a reflection on her, not on you because presumably her aim should be to make you feel confident enough to speak freely? It is a shame that she has made you feel inhibited. Your negative feelings about yourself are a symptom of depression,
and based on what you are saying, there is a strong part of you that wants to find the right treatment. Maybe a different counsellor would help you or a different medicine? It must seem very overwhelming because you haven't found that yet, but the fact you have tried to shows your resilience.

Hi op

I'm not sure your missing social rules as much as, is there a possibility that you are not tuned in to or missing cues?

Now I don't want to jump to massive conclusions but a couple of things occur to me..

1. So as far as your concerned there was no trauma event in your past.

But there doesn't always have to be. If I was to go back in to your childhood Would I find for instance caring parents , or parents that treated you as a nuisance or inconvenience. We're you told to shut up or be quiet. We're you taught social cues as a baby/child, these things are normally learned from birth. Or is there a possibility of an undiagnosed Aspergers trait, which given some of the list you have written about, could fit.

But you are working and you are married, so you are successful in those two areas, which are huge.

Could you have imposter syndrome, where you are successful but feel it's not really deserved, and cannot fathom how you haven't been found out (rare)

The counsellor, would have rightly asked you to sign maybe a 6 week contract
Of intent not to kill yourself until she had had a chance to get to know you and do some work. It's pretty standard, and it's also a good tactic to ensure the client returns and at least gives therapy a decent shot.

My other question is, sorry I know there's a few, you have a plan ok, have you got a plan if it goes wrong?
What's the plan if you are left incapable or in a state of helplessness and someone's got to then look after you ?

Maybe it is to do with cues, I don't know.

I feel like my childhood was fine, but the therapist is trying to tell me that it wasn't based off stuff I have told her. I don't remember my parents ever saying that they loved me, and I often felt like I wanted/felt/said was just unreasonable, because that's what they would tell me. I remember lots of times as a child crying and trying to be as quiet as possible so they couldn't hear. They were fine with my brother though, so it feels a lot like it was just me. A lot of things I wanted to do didn't happen in place of things my brother wanted to do. My brother was always adamant that I was the favourite child though so who knows what was really going on. I have thought about having aspergers - a lot of the criteria seems to fit but then again a lot of it really doesn't.

I used to identify a lot with impostor syndrome - I went to uni at Oxford, and it was spoken about a lot in terms of people from state schools/people in the first generation of their family to go to university. I don't feel like that so much anymore.

I haven't signed anything from the counsellor. I don't think I need that sort of plan - I've done a lot of research to try and make sure that when I go through with it it will be the end.

Just had a call from a receptionist from mental health services - not from the nurse I was told I would speak to on Friday. They are giving me another appointment in two weeks. The GP told me on Friday he would get someone out to see me the same day. I don't understand what I am going wrong. I am trying so hard to hold on but it seems so pointless. I can't last two weeks.

I felt exactly how you describe around 5 years ago. I didn't want to live. I don't feel like that now and I am so glad that I never actioned my thoughts. The thing that nobody speaks about is how awful and continuous that level of depression is. It wears you down and I couldn't imagine a time that I wouldn't feel like that. It lasted about 2 years and was brought on by life events. You sound like you have a good gp, so go to them for support. The only thing that helped me was anti depressants. The gp had to change the type and dosage before they worked but when they did they slowly and gradually helped me to get out of the hole I was in. Slowly but gradually things got better and I don't even take anti depressants now. Please ask your gp to up your dose or change type. After 3 months you should feel an effect and may need something else

Hi op

There are significant pointers from your childhood that hold clues to some of your present predicament and feelings.

Your brother saying you were the golden child is solely based on how he experienced his childhood as apposed to you and yours.
If you became quiet withdrawn and hid away, then that might have meant their focus was on him, but that he felt that was pressure I don't know.

Another suggestion is to take a look at the ARC autism research centre, they have centres around the country, and see adults. It's a place to start, as you may read on here anyone can have a different diagnosis with different effects on them. It's not a one size fits all.

Another good thing in my humble opinion would be if you feel you can, send this thread to your therapist. You have very successfully in my opinion presented yourself and your concerns in a clear and articulate manner.
There is lots of grist for the mill as they say, and she can can pick up on any points without you feeling you have to start again, or stumble over disclosures.

Is this something you think you could do?

Op, this is just a suggestion so feel free to ignore but have you considered that perhaps you might have aspergers? I say this as my eldest daughter is aspergers and struggles very like you with feeling she doesn’t fit and that there is some set of social rules she doesn’t know of. She can’t really read facial cues and gets anxious that people think she is boring or unfeeling. It is easily missed in females with aspergers as it doesn’t present quite as obviously as it does with males and females tend to hide it well.

I keep thinking I will just wait and see what happens next appointment/phone call but I always regret it because nothing happens.

I had to scroll back and check that I hadn't written this myself and now I'm on the verge of tears because you sound do much like me. I agree with you about the crisis line. If I want to kill myself I'm not going to call and fucking TELL you am I? 😂

That will teach me to read properly, I missed the part where you said you have thought that yourself.

Aspergers in females vary wildly but it does really sound to me like you may have it.

Pressed post too soon. Ditch the counsellor. Seriously, find someone else. I tried a couple and it's hard, it's so fucking hard but you can't tell her certain things for fear of her reaction so she isn't actually doing you any good. I can recommend a good counsellor in north london if that's any help. Very chilled and calm and never overreacted to talk of suicide. Obviously if I stated that I was going to go home right now and kick the bucket that would be different but I can talk about it all I like.

I have thought a lot about autism/aspergers. That was actually what I spent pretty much the whole session talking to the therapist about last week. She said I should mention it to GP, but even when he asked what sort of things we had been talking about I just froze and couldn't tell him.

I feel like I have already told the counsellor most of what I've said here. And I like having this as somewhere I can just say how I can actually feel because I can't do that anywhere else - and I won't feel like I can be honest here if I send her the link.

So annoyed at myself because when I saw mental health services last week they offered me daily support from crisis team, but I said no because at that point in my mind I was 100% going to do it on Friday so didn't want anyone to stop me. And now that I've actually tried to reach out and ask for help, nobody will see me for over two weeks :(

There is that part of me trying to hold on,but even it is giving up hope now. Trying to make bargains with the rest of me saying that I will do my plan tomorrow afternoon after I have seen the counsellor, but I guess obviously they will try and stop me and I just hate myself. I hate that I can't just go through with it.

Hi op

I feel the need to point out..

That the services you are trying to access with not a lot of success
Has nothing to do with you or your personality or social rules or cues
Or how useless you are or your self hate.

You are unfortunately at the mercy of over stretched NHS mental health services, your mind is feeding all of this so called failure to connect with them, in to a failure on your part, which then feeds the "I'm so shit" beast
Somehow with help the cycle of self loathing needs to be broken, if only for an hour. This crucial hour, is when some real therapy could help.

Let’s say you do have aspergers. At the very least it’s a reason for why you feel you don’t belong. Some parents struggle to bond with aspergers children because as babies they can be unresponsive to their parents. As in a baby without aspergers is likely to smile back at a parent that smiles at them but an aspergers child may not. The parent can feel rejected or as though their child doesn’t love them. None of this is the Asperger child’s fault or that of the family members however.

My daughter was very different to my other babies. She didn’t like being held in a cradle way, only facing out from me and was never interested in hugs or kisses goodnight. Once her sister came along, she used to watch her sister come and hug me, then she would herself in a really awkward way. She didn’t want to hug me but she was learning from her sister that people hug. Aspergers children often grow up mimicking the people around them.

If you do have aspergers there is greater understanding of it now, support groups and more people are able to understand why you might appear detached if you tell them you have aspergers.

If you do have aspergers would that in any way change wanting to die?

@purplethistles What you say about childhood makes me think that I don't have aspergers. I have a really clear memory from childhood of running to give my mum a hug and her putting her arms out and pushing me away. I feel like when I was younger I liked/wanted physical affection, which doesn't really seem to fit.

@Guiltypleasures001 It's just worse that I keep being promised things and then they get taken away. Seeing someone from crisis team on Friday, has now been replaced with seeing someone from assessment team in over two weeks. Talking to a mental health nurse on the phone on Monday, turned into 30 second message from receptionist on Tuesday that really could've just been sent as a text (and this probably only happened because GP rang them).

I do the same. Tell myself that I'll do it after this or that or the other. It's a good sign. You still have a functioning self preservation instinct. That's the main barrier that stops us committing suicide. The instinct to preserve our own lives is incredibly powerful and it isnt something you're aware of until you're fighting against it. If you gave up completely and stood atop a bridge I would wager that it would take you several minutes to jump no matter how ready you think you are. Your adrenaline would surge and on a scan your brain would light up like a Christmas tree because every instinct would be screaming at you to get the fuck down and beg someone to help you. That part of you hasn't given up hope, its fighting like crazy for you. PM me if you want that recommendation.

Your mentioning it to the GP is because she isn't a clinician and therefore cannot make a diagnosis

Sorry op I've had to post a half written post because it wouldn't let me delete and re write something .

Please have a look at the ARC website anyway, but also I agree with the previous poster there is a self preservation coming through your writing.
I dont know what your personal circumstances are with regards to finances
But is there anyway you can access some private mental health care?

Talking therapy with a background in psychodynamics would probably be a good fit for you with a bit of CBT thrown in, and whatever the therapists has in their toolbox. You seem however to be operating on a restricted timescale?
Is there a significant date coming up at all?

My son has Asperger's, he is 11 now and he has always been affectionate. What you've said about there being a rule book you don't know about really strikes a cord because this is what my DS says too. He massively struggles with social cues, he is bright and funny and loving but can say odd things sometimes or doesn't quite "get" those unspoken rules on how to act in social situations. I have seen people laugh at him, the neurotypical society can be cruel. Please don't think you don't belong, or that you are getting things wrong. You might not have autism but that shouldn't matter. You should be allowed to be whoever you are and feel however you feel.

I've never felt the way you are feeling so I won't pretend to know what you're going through. All I want you to know though, from a stranger on the internet, is that you matter. You have a husband, you are obviously capable of love and of being loved. You are capable of loving yourself again, one day.