The whole thing is a long story and I'm sorry that I just don't feel up to telling it all right now. First went to see my GP 3 months ago and got signed off work - in that time I have tried an antidepressant, had three assessments with local mental health services, gone on the waiting list for several talking therapies before I finally decided to just pay to go private about a month ago. Nothing has made me feel even slightly better - to be honest things have just gotten so much worse. Thought I was suicidal back in november but that was nothing compared to now. I am just so tired, I get no enjoyment from anything and even just getting out of bed each morning feels like a massive ordeal. To be honest I feel like I have made my mind up that I just want to kill myself, but something always keeps stopping me at the last minute. I'd been planning for weeks to go through with it last Friday - I needed to go into town to buy something I needed. I had a GP appointment on Friday which I thought would get me up and dressed and into town but wouldn't actually go to the appointment. Something made me go to the appointment though, told him how I feel. My GP was great and convinced me to give something else a go. But mental health services contacted me again later that day with nothing like what I had agreed with GP - in fact they offered me nothing at all. My husband called them back to have a bit of a moan and they said they would call me today with more options - of course I've had no call from them today. Lovely GP called around lunch time to see how I was/what the plan was. Explained what had happened and I was waiting for a call - GP has said he will ring me again tomorrow.
That was a lot longer than I thought. But basically - I feel 100% sure that I just don't want to be alive anymore. I have a plan that I know will work and I can actually see myself going through with. I keep thinking I will just wait and see what happens next appointment/phone call but I always regret it because nothing happens. I feel so angry at myself for going to the appointment on Friday. Keep thinking I shouldn't be here anymore and deal with this shit. Doesn't seem to be any point asking for help because nobody thinks I deserve it. I just don't know what to do. Well, I do - I want to die, but I just can't go through with it and I hate myself for it.