Please please help

[emptyandlost]

I've name changed this as some of you know me and would probably be shocked at this. I feel so depressed and low that I honestly feel my family would be better off without me. I've been like this for a few months, I'm on AD's and I've had counselling. It helps a bit but then i just sink rightback down again. What i need to know is, will it always feel like this? Will life ever start to get better? I know I have so much to be grateful for - lovely husband and children - but I just feel like I'm sinking without trace. I don't know where to turn. My doctor has been helpful but i don't know what more she can do. I feel like i've lost the will to live and i'm so frightened.

awwh Empty and Lost...You really are in the throes of depression. It will pass, I promise. Life will start to get better and the fog will lift

You are valuable. Your family need you. Think of all the great things you do and the great times you have.

Don't dwell on the things you can do nothing about. Concentrate on what you can do.

The AD's will help but can take some time to get in your system. Sounds like you have a good GP and they can and will help.

You take care.

Only you can get yourself out of this, and you've got to do it. Are you getting enough sleep? ADs can spoil your sleep pattern. I find taking a Piriton (chlorphenamine) tablet last thing helps me to sleep through. Try that. Sleep is important. Do you read? Get a good book. I recommend Prayer for Owen Meaney, The Kite Runner, or This Book Could Save Your Life (not self-help!). Getting into a book gives you a break and can even give you something to get out of bed for! Put some music on and dance. Exercise is important. Going out for a walk is good but you may not feel like this. Go on a healthy eating (not weight loss) diet. Play cd's while you work. Music can lift your spirits. Wear nice clothes. In short, make the effort to enjoy life. Your family would not be better off without you. Of course they wouldn't.

Oh darling. of course you are frightened. I'm so sorry there is nothing more we can do than just to listen and support you through this.
I have never been this deep into depression, but did not want to let the post go unanswered.
Dont even think about whether your family would be better off without you - they will not and deep down of course you know that.
If you have been on ADs for a few months now, I think they should have kicked in by now, so if you are still feeling this low you need to go back to your doctor and talk to her about it.
You need to go back to the counselling too, basically you need to share how you feel with someone.
And is there anybody who can give you a bit of a break, family or friend, who can take some of the load off you?
Others will be able to tell you more about how soon it will get better and they will be better able to help you.
Every blessing

E&L - Sorry to hear that you are finding things so tough at the moment. Your family will not be better off without you - I bet they all love you very, very much and that you are extremely important to them, it's just that when we get depressed it's really easy to feel so bad about ourselves that we don't expect others to value us. You are important and you are valued. You won't always feel like this (though I know at the moment this is hard to believe.) How long have you been on the AD's for? Have they made any difference for you?

I get the feeling that you're maybe beating yourself up a bit for the way that you feel? If this is the case, please don't. You are entitled to your feelings. Also, depression is an illness and it is possible to recover. Something that has helped me in the past with depression (though we are all different) is giving myself positive affirmations, so making sure that I say something nice about myself every morning and every evening. This is just something I do in private, so for example, acknowledging the fact that I did something positive/ difficult that day (no matter how small). I felt self-conscious at first, but I'm used to it now .

Please look after yourself. I say again, this will pass!

Thank you so much for your support. I know no one can make me feel better, there's no maguc solution, but it does help a lot knowing other people care. And that this won't last forever.

We care very much EaL. Don't give up on yourself, you've already done something to help yourself by posting on here, so we can tell you that the sun will come out for you again.
With much love

how long have you been on the ADs? they take a couple of weeks to work and sometimes you need to change ADs to find one that works,sorry you are feeling so low keep posting and i am sure you will get lots of support.

Hi, I'm into the 3rd week of AD's. It's quite a low dose, so I don't know whether it needs changing. I need to see my doctor before the month is out anyway so i guess she'll look at this. It's all such a struggle at the moment. From the moment i wake up, I'm just waiting to be able to go back to bed and sleep. I feel like thats the only place i feel safe. Does that sound mad?

no it doesn't sound mad, which ADs are you on? does it say how long until they start working?

IF it's any help, it is a short period taken in teh context of your whole life, but I promise I know that doesn't take away from the fact that you still have to get through it now.

I'm on citalopram which i've read quite a bit about on other threads on here. It's 10mg which i guess is lowish compared to some other posts which have mentioned higher doses. Lio thanks for those words - I hadnt thought about it like that, because in the thick of depression it feels like it'll last forever and a day, but yes, in the context of my whole life it will hopefully be a relatively small part. Thank you everyone else too. Your words mean a lot xx

empty and lost, just one question, have you had these thoughts only since recently starting ADs, if so i suggest you go to your doctors tomorrow and tell him so. It does say that VERY RAREly people on ADs can feel suicidal if not on the right pill, when i say rare i mean extremely so, but it worries me that you feel this way, you are going to feel better, i dont know when because i dont know what your problems are but you must know that it wont always be this way.

What ADs are you taking? What dose? Is there anything specific that is bothering/worrying you - can you pin point it? Is there a trigger? Are you worse with PMT?

I have often felt the same way you do, about family being better off etc and my way of kicking those thoughts out of my head is this, i think about my children visiting my grave thinking that i couldnt have loved them very much to give up on them. Now i am not suggesting for one tiny minute that you dont love your children, you so obviously do, as i adore mine and this thought pulls me out of the depths. I also think of how much i love my girls and how lovely and wonderful they are, i am so proud of both of them.

Try and think of what is happening to you as a physical illness, because that is what it is really, regardless of the cause. That way you know you have to be kind to yourself to get better, give yourself time, some illnesses take a long time to get better but you are doing the right things already to fight it. Did the counselling help? im genuinely interested, im still on the waiting list. Do you think you could do with some more?

Do a google search for this site it is called MOODgym, it is a CBT site online, ive sort of played around with it but havent had time to get into it but my doctor recommends it. It has some links to some good sites that help to put depression into perspective.

My doctor said to me, some people get a bad back, kidney infection etc etc, you got depression, dont beat yourself up over it. Well easier said than done i know but you know what i mean.

Your family love and need you, you have to be strong for them just now as your DH will need to be strong for you too. Look on it that you are holding on in there for your families sake just now. Dont expect too much too quickly, but keep the thought in the back of your mind, you can be happy, you deserve to be happy and you ARE going to be happy. You said yourself you have so much to be happy for, you recognise that, so you are halfway there.

I talk to much

10mg seems a low dose to me too, defo go back to the doctor asap and explain how you are feeling. He may increase the dose to 20mg which is what i was started on and what others on here are started on.

FWIW, i have been on the pills just over three weeks too So we could be SSRI buddies lol. Of course you may not want to, cos you can see how much i rabbit!!

I really do think you must go back to the doctors though. I think you are amazingly brave for getting your arse off there in the first place to be honest, it took for me to have a MAJOR meltdown before a nurse at the clinic gave me the kick up the backside i needed (i must remember to go and thank her!).

I went to my doc last week and to be fair the pills are working for me, but i feel i need a higher dose as i feel like SHIT in the mornings, almost terrified, i have an anxiety disorder apparently .

Emptyandlost, sorry you are feeling so low. It sounds like you are really very depressed. I wonder if your ADs need to be reviewed? Maybe a trip back to the GP is needed...have you ever been referred to see a psychiatrist? They are obviously specialists in the area of mental health, and have more expertise than GPs. Please don't be scared of being honest with a professional about how you are really feeling. You are unwell, but will recover with the right types of support. Take care.

LEM it's such a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels like this every morning. Not that i wish these feelings on you or anyone, but it just makes me realise I'm not alone. I wake every morning with a sinking feeling as I realise that I STILL feel like this. I will go back to my doctor soon, as maybe i need a different AD or dose. I don't think its the medication itself causing the extreme feelings though. I was having feelings of my family being better off without me before starting on the ADs. I'm trying to focus on little things, goals, to get myself through the day, but its so so hard.

yes, its hard, i know but you ARE getting through each day. I take my pills in the morning and i feel better within half an hour. Go back to the doctors tomorrow, you need your pills reviewed i think. You dont have to feel like this. Let me know how you get on, have to go and eat now, yeah i know its late but will check up and nag you tomorrow ;)

10mgs won't touch the sides. Definitely go back and ask for 20 which is a much more realistic dose. I wouldn't be in a hurry to go on the merry-go-round of different ADs, though. Give the citalopram a couple of months. And do try to rest as much as you can. You sound really tired.

e&L I am on Citalopram, and I inproved a lot when I went up to 20 mg from 10 mg. You are SO not alone - before \i went on them I used to want to drive the car into a wall. Keep going my love. Your family would feel a lot worse without you and this WILL pass. BIg hugs.

e&l how are you feeling today?

Hi. Feeling a little better today, probably because I was back to work after some annual leave, and therefore just HAD to drag myself out of bed and put on a smily face. Now I'm home I don't feel so good. Will try to have a really early night i think.

yes, an early bath, bed and a book, sounds like bliss Not sure what books to recommend, a good one i read recently was called the historian, by someone with a foreign name begining with K, it is about vampires and descendants of dracula, sounds a bit rubbish but it is historically quite accurate and extremely well written. It made me want to visit all the places she was describing, but that is just the romantic in me.

How many children to you have and what are their ages if you dont mind me asking?

Hi LEM, I have 3 children, 14, 12 and 8. They're great kids (well, most of the time!) and Dh is very good with them and supportive generally. Which makes me beat myself up even more about feeling so down. I don't feel i have a right to be depressed when so many people have real problems to face. Bloody guilt on top of feeling crap!

but you mustnt feel guilty, more so now that i know how awful depression is, i have always considered it an ILLNESS and you can no more help being depressed than you can having a bad back. You can do things TO help but you cant help it, if that makes sense. When you consider that our brain is one of the least understood organs in the body and probably the most complex, there are bound to be problems along the way. I have read that although there is usually triggers for depression, some people can just become depressed for no reason. You do not chose to feel this way, so how can it be your fault.

Maybe you should just pull yourself together, yeah right, if my DP says that to me once more, i wont be held responsible!!!!! ITs not that easy, it takes time, now i realise that i feel more positive about the future, maybe its me, maybe its the citalopram but at least i feel i have one now. I do really think you need to get your pills reviewed as within a week of me being on 20mg my DP said it was like having the old me back. I cant say i felt like the old me, but i did feel at least able to function that way, the poor guy has been through the wringer with me i can tell you as he has pretty much been my emotional punchbag.

I look at other people who seem happy and i think, christ, i can't remember how they feel, in fact i dont actually know how they feel, im jealous as hell, but there is hope that one day i will just be happy, my problem is that i am scared to be happy because if i allow myself to be happy then something bad will happen and it will be my own fault. See, when i type that, i can see how screwed up it is, but thats my "thing" as it were. Sorry to drone about me when i should be trying to make you feel better, but it helps me too, to share my feelings, so you have actually been great for me to talk to to, helps me put things into perspective

LEM I can't tell you how great you've been for me too. Yes I completely understand what you say about being happy. I too am afraid to just 'let go' and experience the natural happiness that so many people seem to take for granted. I too feel that if I allow myself to be happy, then something will inevitably go wrong and spoil it, its as if i don't deserve happiness. Yes, it sounds screwed but i can't help it. Other things i feel (sorry maybe i'm waffling on but its helpful to know if you or anyone else can relate to this) are that the whole of my life is some kind of bargaining game.If something positive happens, then something negative will have to happen as a result. Also,i definitely have a sense of being an 'unlucky' person, as if bad things are bound to happen to me and not to other people. Again, this is illogical. When i rationalise my life i can see all the things i should be grateful for. But its almost as though i can't quite believe that my life can be good. I don't know where all this stems from - whether its from deep seated feelings of unworthiness or whatever. And tbh, i don't know how useful it is to over-analyse, because often i think thats part of the problem. I think too much, read into every situation. I am also terrible at coping with change, making decisions about the future. For example I have stayed in the same job for years rather than move. It's not a bad job, but neither is it a great one, but i'd rather remain with the status quo rather than take a risk and maybe end up happier. Sorry i'm writing way too much, but would love to hear your thoughts.

E&L are you actually me? honestly, i could have written that too, especially the bargaining thing - that is quite weird isnt it. I can't think of any deap seated reason either, my childhood wasnt ecstatic (i never had a pony ) but i had loving parents. I know one thing though, im not going to carry on feeling like this, these "happy" people i see are no better than me so if they can be happy then im bloody well going to be. I am scared to get a job even, but i am a SAHM so i can enjoy my little one for another year i think before i take that step. Funnily enough my DP says my problem is i think too much too

Actually seeing you type that has made me think that these feelings aren't "normal" and we need to kick them out of our heads. Give the pills a chance though as i do have a basic understanding of how they work and how when the system they work on gets under pressure or goes wrong then the feelings we have are a natural consequence. I have to go now and make play dough sausages.

Hope today is a better one. Come home tonight, have a coffee, whatch shitty telly (well lets face it it is all shite, if i see one more reality show - grrrr) and swtich the brain off for once, i find the AIBU threads good for that, give me a chuckle so they do.

Take care
x