Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part three)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Filling up a second thread,here's a new one to keep that support running!

This thread is a supportive,non judgemental space for those who have anxious children,or care for children with anxiety

You can pop in and just offload,or stick with us and share ideas etc

Caring for an anxious child can feel like it dominates your existence and drains every last drop of energy you have,and the sadness of watching your child's distress can be overwhelming.only those who have lived it truly understand that

We also love to hear successes.it can be hard in real life sharing something you are proud of your child achieving if others do it as standard.we get that and it's good to have somewhere where people are pleased for those little wins

You are no longer alone

I have had support from specialist dentists.they are fab.i had partially erupted wisdom teeth removed under GA on their advice as they were becoming a problem and they felt I'd not cope with having it done awake
I was removed once all work was done.i struggle with normal dentists still tho...

Zoo I agree they are brilliant.

Balloons are you DS' appointee, and is DS not in the limited capacity for work group (the part of UC that used to be ESA)? The first would make the whole process easier from DS' perspective, and the latter would remove some of the pressure. I would say he would be eligible, as he would be for PIP.

If he isn't recieving the limited capacity for work allowance then in one sense he is lucky covid changed the demands placed on UC claimants. There is specialist help available via DWP (specialist advisors, 'intensive personalised employment support' and 'work and health programme') for those looking for work who are disabled, although it's not widely known about or advertised. I have no idea about the support they offer, or how good it is, but someone on the SN boards or money matters may.

An EHCP would help DS find a supported apprenticeship or work placement and give him some much needed support. I would try to get him to agree to submitting an EHCNA.

Dear 1skip I hadn’t heard of the intensive personalised employment support. It sounds like it would really suit him. It’s so hard to know what’s to do, as he has some periods where he can function, but they usually don’t last. I do think he would need help with a job and I think if it wasn’t for COVID he may have seen a Job Coach and could have explained his difficulties. I will look into this. When he was under Adult Services, he had 2 Support workers and I asked them for help but they didn’t seem to know anything.
I think he’s functioning to a degree at the moment as he isn’t under any pressure but he won’t be able to continue like this long term, it takes only the slightest set back for everything to rapidly go downhill. He is improving so much from last week, I start to think he could maybe do a job but equally, I’m sure if somebody said something which upset him he would probably go to bed and refuse to get up again.
Over the past few years he was averaging around 50% attendance at school and that was with huge effort from me to get him in. I was constantly in contact with his teachers and he gave me full permission to attend his mental health appointments but I’m not his appointee.
Just before the last lockdown he took up exercise at a gym but as soon as they announced the gyms were closing, he gave up. Now the end is in sight he is improving and looking forward to exercising again.
I basically forced him to apply for the UC and I was updating his account but haven’t logged in for over a month as I wanted him to take responsibility, needless to he hasn’t.
I’m going to see how the next month goes and work with him to try and apply for jobs. I really want him to take some responsibility but maybe, it’s wishful thinking? He’s so unpredictable, he could literally get up tomorrow and say he’ll apply for a job or equally he could decide to stay in bed for weeks and not get up at all.
Until Sixth form, although he had problems with socialising and communication he was able to engage and attend school. Everything went downhill at the start of year 12 which also coincided with some very traumatic events in the family and him being prescribed Sertraline. I do think he needs intensive therapy but one day he just refused to see the therapist we were paying for and wouldn’t give a reason and wouldn’t return.
Thanks for your helpful advice, I really appreciate it.

I completely understand the swings from high to low and back again. From your posts I know, sadly, you didn't have the same experience but Mirtazapine and Risperidone levelled DS out a bit, for which I am grateful because the constant up and down is exhausting.

I did chuckle at the giving up and going to bed if someone upset DS. That is exactly DS1. He often perceives things people say or do as a personal attack even if it wasn't and holds grudges for a very long time. DS1 either likes you or hates you, there is no in between and once he's taken against you it's impossible very difficult to persuade him otherwise.

Once your DS has a job offer there is the Access to Work scheme which may help him. A supported internship or apprenticeship sound like it could be ideal.

Being appointee for DWP would make claiming any benefits for DS easier for him. You could then apply on his behalf and complete forms, speak at assessments on his behalf, talk on the phone. And I really think you should apply for PIP and ask about the limited capacity to work element of UC.

We have found getting DS' to exercise harder since covid. For them exercise is important for a medical condition they have. We have plenty of equipment but DS2&3 prefer clubs. It is difficult to cajole DS1 in to exercise at the best of times.

Do you think PTSD is a possibility for your DS?

Dear 1skip I think he could have PTSD but probably other factors too. He attributes his anxiety to bullying, from y 8, he basically stopped speaking due to anxiety. Then in y11, his GCSE year, several things happened which he blocked out and carried on but he couldn’t maintain it. He can’t make a phone call and will go to any lengths to avoid things. I’ve also wondered about an avoidant personality, CAHMS never mentioned autism but it was the first thing Adult Services said, after half an hour with him and then it was their only focus until ruled out.
How old are your sons, do they have diagnosis?
It truly is exhausting, ds1s behaviour/ mood affects the whole house, when he shows some form of functioning I breathe a sigh of relief, but it never lasts. I keep hoping, it’s all I can do for now x

balloons totally understand child mood affects whole house.dd1 we have been walking on eggshells for what feels like a long time...
Skip lil zoo is a heads to bed as takes things personally kind of person.she sees no way back if she's been "insulted"

After much to and fro we have TAF booked for next thursday.cant get all professionals in one place together,so we opting run it with both girls head of years,given how supportive they are being.camhs be awkward in extreme when dd2 keyworker free(2dates offered 9-10 only) .D's school haven't even replied requestsyesterday humanities was cancelled for unknown reasons,day before lesson never happened so the teacher was chat about covid morality with D's.he has started let computer "die"(not charge) as excuse to escape ks4 maths(hating algebra)and couple other lessons.im Not Impressed.he does lessons in his room now as with dd2 home currently as not fit for anything ,and lil zoo only doing two hours a day it's too difficult us all needing to be silent whilst he has teams meet lessons in same room as us.his anxiety has returned to early days levels.lots bad palpitations and going off his food in the evenings.having fight get basic hygiene done.im exhausted by it all the time,esp with girls kicking off in other directions too!

Glad lil zoo has app on phone book with gp for friday.fluids are still bit of an issue.kind of eat better.guts be nightmare.bloated and in pain a lot.last two nights it's been high in stomach not below navel with pain radiating into back left rib.both times been back to normal pain by morning.still having dizzy spells andpalpitations but not anxious

Hi, can I join you all please? I've read the whole thread in awe of you all coping with all your situations.

My Dd16 low mood and anxiety culminated in a suicide attempt on Wednesday. I got a text from her asking for help, saying she doesn't want to die. She had climbed on a railway bridge on her way to school. Thankfully she had also taken herself off it then she texted me. I can't bring myself to think what may have happened. I couldn't get to her so had to call the police. It's was just horrendous.
We were already in the CAMHS System waiting for a psychiatrist appointment as she had mentioned to her counsellor suicidal/self harm thoughts and plans.
So we say a psychiatrist Wednesday pm and are waiting for a prescription to arrive for ADs and melatonin.
I've kept her off school this week and both dad and myself have been with her. She is low - a 3 out of 10 she says. She was a 0 in Wednesday. But she comes out of room and talks to us, bakes and watches Friends with me.
I just don't know what to do next week. I've heard and read above the meds take a few weeks to kick in and she could be worse before she gets better.
Im going to call the GP and ask for a blood test as some helpline person told me that might be a good idea.
I'm also going to call the school to see if they can reduce her timetable.

five we always welcome anyone here
What an awful week you've had
*Is she finding school difficult?I ask,given that routine in depression is very important as it keeps you putting one foot in front of another,so if this is not a hard point for her I'd press on with it.social interaction maybe exhausting but is also necessary to lift moods
*Has she any friends/groups/activities/hobbies(some of these are obvs under curbs with co I'd restrictions)?again,filling time with meaningful pastimes and interaction helps.
*Self care- what's her hygiene like currently?I know my dd struggles dreadfully with effort showering etc on very low days.nice products has helped with that(incl lush bath bombs that are relaxing).treating your body kindly is hard when depressed,but does, again, make a difference to how you feel
*Does she have anxiety too?if so any triggers/things that help?
Definitely get bloods done- low b vitamins and d can make depression worse,anemia impacts energy levels
*This time of year doesn't help.i find darker mornings bother me(evenings not so much,as I'm a morning person) and need put conscious efforts in to stop decline of mood.being outside in daylight(preferably in the morning) helps,and this also works on brains receptors regarding sleep rhythms,so if she's not sleeping we it's worth a try.mine love walking in quiet countryside/parks and be mindful of what's around them(birdsong,changing seasons,smells etc) this all takes time and practise though!
*Exercise also boosts mood,anything she likes to do?(walk,ride a bike,skate, trampolining) lots on Instagram/you tube indoor workouts/exercise /yoga I'd she's not feeling up to going out.chloe ting workouts are short if she's lacking in energy/motivation
*Do you have any pets?just asking as I've found particularly cuddly animals(cats,dogs,guinea pigs etc) do calm and de-stress many.we use ours as soothers and are grateful every day of lockdowns for their amusing antics making us smile and the love we have for them and us really helps us!
How's her eating?again what you eat does make a difference.eat crap,feel crap

Positives are that she reaches out to you and is engaging in some activities (baking /watching TV)

And most important,how are YOU?
WHO has your back?
What are you doing to keep yourself well?

I say it a the time you wouldn't let your phone battery run constant on almost empty,don't let your emotional/well being battery die

Sorry for the bombardment of questions,only answer what feels comfortable!

This is a safe space,no judgement of others ,we know how hard things can be and small wins are celebrated

Five Welcome, although I am sorry you need to join us. When you ask for bloods specifically ask for Vit D, B12 and thyroid. As Zoo posted they can cause or exacerbate MH problems. If DD isn't able to attend school and is Y11 rather than 12 the LA have a duty to provide education.

Balloons the more you post the more I think you are right with PDA. Not speaking due to anxiety sounds like it could be selective mutism. Many with ASD struggle speaking on the phone.

DS1 is 11 and has a host of physical and psychological diagnoses including a LLI, PTSD with associated anxiety and depression, SM and EDNOS. DS2&3 also have some medical needs including a LLI, and DS3 has ASD and EDNOS. Sorry for being vague I nc'ed to protect DC's, happy to give more info via PM if anyone wants it.

Zoo good news DD3 isn't as anxious, perhaps her intake will increase now. Can DS do some lessons downstairs and DD's spend time in their rooms? You can keep an eye on the teaching then too. Confirm the cancelled lessons via email, the evidence may help at tribunal or to complain the EHCP isn't being followed.

DS1 hates being in bed at night and can't cope away from me, he follows me around, so him taking to bed is stressful and ends in tears. Other favourite places include under the dining table and on my knee.

She does find school tricky as she thinks everyone is talking about her, looking at her etc. She misses her friends though. I’m keen to get her back as I don’t want to carry in the no school road. She is Y11 so it’s v important but obviously not as important as her health.
She does have anxiety too and panic attacks.
She does like to go out for walks and listen to her music but I can’t let her go by herself now. I’m so worried she’ll try it again. So we’ve been out walking our dog and today she has helped me bathe and dry the dog.
She does look after herself and keeps clean etc so thats good.

She says she feels awful all the time, really low and hasn’t been truly happy for years. She wants to stop feeling like this. Hopefully the prescription will arrive today and we can start on the meds.

I keep asking her is she’s okay and feel like I should stop doing this. Don’t know what else to do though.

Sorry to hear this five. The ads should kick in within a couple of weeks. Melatonin can be very helpful.

zoo so sorry things are so difficult right now. It seems so relentless.

I just cried on the lady from camhs ☹ . She called and offered a medication review at midday on Tuesday. I cant take dd out of school when it may be her second full day all term. I burst into tears because I am just so tired. Dd meltdown last night was all aimed at me which is new. She hates me, I'm useless, etc. I so worried for her. Managed to get her to school for a half day today with her new TA.

1skip totally understand about wanting to protect identity. It’s one of the reasons I rarely post. It sounds like you’ve really got your hands full. My 2 take up so much energy, I couldn’t imagine having more.
zoo did you manage to get the phenergen, if so I hope it helped & your daughter is showing some improvement.
five I know how you feel, my ds2 did a similar thing on the way to school at 16 with the pressure of GCSEs looming, I imagine it’s even worse now with the lockdown and distancing in schools and all the missed work. He’s now doing A Levels and I am feeling very concerned. We had to take him to hospital and they wouldn’t let him out until he improved, he saw a CAHMS Worker every day and was watched every night, but then he was released with nothing, he refused any further contact and after the experience we’d had with my other son, I genuinely think he was better off having no contact with CAHMS. His school did provide support as it was the only way we could get him to engage. Hopefully, your CAHMS will be better than our local branch.
Anne it is so exhausting, I have shed many tears over the past few years. I’m really lucky to have a very supportive friend who I meet for a walk every week & this really helps & I have family support too. Try and take some time for yourself, if you can.

At least the pressure might be a bit less now that it’s the weekend. I think school is such a source of stress and anxiety these days. My older son, has been much better without the pressure to attend, though I do worry about his future.

Anne I hope you are being kind to yourself. Last night was probably about school and the new TA. DD took it out on you because she knows you will continue to love her unconditionally and do everything you can to support her no matter what, she doesn't have to mask.

Balloons having support and regular time away makes the world of difference.

I used to post more openly but some posts under a different name were used to hurt DD2, who is now 20. Now I am more careful, posting under a couple of different names across MN - I only use this name for the MH boards.

Five I would let DD know you will always listen if she wants to talk, but there isn't any pressure to do so, and if she prefers she can write things down for you to read. In my experience repeated questioning is detrimental. DD2 and DS1&3 will tell you they are fine even if they aren't just to get you to stop. The constant worry is horrendous, at DS' worst I was on edge all the time wondering if I had missed something DS1 could use to self harm.

gosh 1skip that is really sad that someone would do that. I’m sure your family has more than enough to deal with. I wish I had changed names now but I don’t post much & I’m not really sure how to do it.

five you have to trust her to reach out again, if she is feeling that low.
One tip they gave me was to give him a red, amber and green piece of paper/object of that colour and if he couldn’t communicate, to use it to indicate his mood and how he was feeling by showing the colour.
My ds won’t speak to us but he does speak to a trusted teacher at school. I’m not sure what will happen when he finishes? He also won’t answer his phone and sometimes takes 1.5 hours to get home when it should take 20 minutes but he won’t pick up if we call and won’t reply to texts. Sometimes he’ll go to a friends house and be gone for hours but wont tell us he’s going. It’s terrifying but there is nothing we can do. When it first happened I drove him to school for the rest of the year but he walked home. The mornings were definitely his lowest point, as the day goes on he improves. He does very occasionally take a melatonin and it works really well for him.
The stress I was under caused my heart to race really badly and I got a severe pain in my shoulder, it’s really hard to deal with.

Balloons you can change your name in settings. Then once a name is 'yours' you can swap between them by changing the name in the box above where you type your posts.

Can you use find my phone or life360 so you know where DS2 is?

We use Zones of Regulation with DS1&3, with varying degrees of success, which is similar to your traffic light system. DS1 can match emotions to the corresponding faces but struggles to know what emotion he is feeling or recognise how others feel. He often misinterprets people as angry or upset with him.

I am glad it is DH's turn to do bedtime because DS1 really isn't in the mood to settle. He is monologuing about Lego just for a change.

1skip thanks for the tip on name changing.
He won’t let us track him. I used to know his gmail password and use ‘find my phone’ when I was really worried but I think he got an alert and he changed the password. He won’t be persuaded to do anything.
Ds1 has snapchat and has agreed to let dh follow him or whatever you do on that but ds2 won’t agree to anything & keep his phone permanently on do not disturb :(

@1skipforward2back I like the zones of regulation idea. I use that at school so idea bring that idea home.

Anne I'm sorry things are getting to you .tears sometimes let all the frustration out.be kind to yourself lovely balloons not answering his phome after changing plans would take me to the edge worrying.i don't have any answers on how to make it better.we are always here to vent the frustration and fear to
Skip MN can be vile.i do not understand such mentality as to cause pain to anyone's family
Five lots positives there with things she's able to keep doing(self care etc) dog walks are brilliant way to get out.i understand why you preferring her not to go alone right now.how long has she had anxiety?makes me cross it's common knowledge untreated anxiety causes depression in many yet it goes untreated unless they reach breakng point and can no longer function

Anne I'm crying every time someone is nice to me. I worry CAMHS think I'm emotionally unstable.
Balloons that long wait for him to get home is awful. I can't imagine how anxious that must make you.

DD has had anxiety building for 3 years she says. It all started with Y8 friendship issues and just grew. Feeling unwanted by friends, talking behind her back. Now she thinks she's disgusting, smelly, wet, boring, fat and she brings people down so why should they want to be with her (all her own words). Self esteem is rock bottom.

five dd2 states hers started year 8 but we were having the initial luck off with D's then and she didn't feel able to say anything as he was all consuming to cope with
She feels same as your dd

Balloons that's a shame. I am with Zoo I would be on the edge worrying too.

Five we also work on putting problems (real or perceived) into appropriate sized boxes. DS1 in particular is a catastrophiser. Nothing is a minor irritant, everything is the end of the world. Things are either perfect which comes with it's own problems (white thinking) or a disaster (black thinking), he never sees things as OK (grey thinking).

It was DD2's RL friend, but the information could only have been taken from here either by the friend or their mother maybe. MN kindly deleted my posts under that username. On the other hand I have had amazing support from some MN'ers that I will be forever grateful for and could never repay.

X posted.

I think problems often start in early secondary for girls, especially those that are neurodiverse, because of the increased social demands and there complexity.

Actually, I don't mean start, I mean come to the fore as girls can't keep up with the demands or continue mask all the time. Looking back it is often possible to spot tell tale signs.

I think Y8 is a v tricky year all round. Ds1s problems with friends at school started in Y8. He seemed fine until the second term of Y8 & things went downhill from then. I spent a year in vein trying to get support. He gave up all sports around then too and became more withdrawn every day. Apparently there’s big fluctuations around y8/9 for boys and girls.
Ds2 started to deteriorate around the end of y9 but other factors caused this as well as ds1s problems dominating everything.

*Fluctuations in hormones