Parents of anxious kids/teens support thread(part three)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Filling up a second thread,here's a new one to keep that support running!

This thread is a supportive,non judgemental space for those who have anxious children,or care for children with anxiety

You can pop in and just offload,or stick with us and share ideas etc

Caring for an anxious child can feel like it dominates your existence and drains every last drop of energy you have,and the sadness of watching your child's distress can be overwhelming.only those who have lived it truly understand that

We also love to hear successes.it can be hard in real life sharing something you are proud of your child achieving if others do it as standard.we get that and it's good to have somewhere where people are pleased for those little wins

You are no longer alone

Sorry... Do paragraphs not work on phone?

Welcome Pimpernella.

Can you chase a medication review?

I hope the appointment is better than expected. DS1 was first under tier 3, who weren't brilliant, but he was referred to a specialist tier 4 team who are brilliant. Initially he had lots of assessments - psychological and physical. DS1 has multiple diagnoses and they wanted to unpick what was attributed to what.

It is likely CAMHS will want to improve DD's sleep pattern. She's likely to be Vit D deficient, which won't help her mood. Will she take a supplement?

If DD can't attend CAMHS may try to discharge. If they do, you should complain and escalate if needed. It is more than likely it is can't engage rather than won't, so they need to work with what DD can access, including home visits if necessary.

The LA have a statutory duty to educate pupils medically unfit for school. If they refuse or are slow you can force them via Judicial Review. Alongside this apply for an EHCP. IPSEA have a model letter you can use to request an assessment, I posted a link to their website earlier.

If you haven't already also apply for DLA.

Viking, I completely agree with you about re-living events. Please look after yourself. Have you considered EMDR? Hopefully it will cool down for you soon.

I am thankful it is Friday and bedtime. A game of emotions bingo that school sent home for DS3's ELSA didn't end well. It was a disaster. At least part of it was my fault.

DS1 is also academically able, but it is little use if he can not function in everyday life.

Have you spoken to sixth form about how they can help? Teens get 3 years of post 16 funding, so DS could re do a year or have a year out. (Technically he should be in education or training, but realistically no one is going to chase you.) Either way he doesn't have to sit at home doing nothing. That would be detrimental to his MH. As his MH allows he could focus on life skills, hobbies, volunteer, work experience, get a little job, enrol on a short course. With an EHCP funding lasts until 25.

If you get Child Benefit one thing to consider when deciding what to do in September is it would stop if he isn't in education.

Personally, I would keep him in education and apply for an EHCNA. If he isn't well enough to attend then he isn't, but don't take him off their roll. If he becomes NEET you may struggle to get him engaged again.

I would try to get him out of bed during the day. Sleeping during the day and awake at night won't help his MH. He needs good quality sleep, going to bed at the same time each night and getting up at the same time even if he hasn't slept well, otherwise you get into a vicious circle. Laying in bed for so long means he'll be losing muscle. Muscle wasting is something you REALLY want to avoid. It is 10 times harder to rebuild muscle and simple tasks like getting dressed or in the shower will make him tired.

Being in his room 24/7 isn't good for his health - physical or mental. Try to get him out of the house everyday, even if it's just the garden. This will be difficult to begin with. Once someone with MH problems gets out of the routine of doing something it is harder to get them to restart, but with perseverance it is possible. You can do this little by little. "DS I've hurt my foot, will you put the bin out please?" "DS the logs are too heavy come and carry them please." "DS I need your help to get everything done before dinner. The fence needs painting and the patio jet washing. I'll do one you do the other, which would you prefer?" Get everyone to help declutter the garage. This type of thing will get him out of the house for fresh air and Vit D, and get his body and mind active. You should get your other DC to help in and around the house too if they don't already so DS doesn't think you are targeting him.

Unless he's underweight forget about food for now. If he'll have it give him a multivitamin and extra Vit D. If he's underweight he needs a referral to a specialist dietician.

Can DS talk to you via text if he finds it easier?

There will always be someone to listen on here. MN's SN boards are also very good.

DS1 had an awful night which stemmed from me getting yesterday so wrong. I could kick myself because I really should have realised.

Thank you so much hopforward - lots to think about which is better than feeling helpless.

The new camhs lady was going to chase the medication review but that was more than a week ago. Trouble is, I am in two minds about medication. I am not confident we can medicate her out of her room. She needs to push herself a bit... Try to come out just for a few minutes. She won't. I too worry about her body suffering from months in bed though I have at least done the vit d supplement.

Dayb, I could have written your post. Dd does not come out of her darkened room and she doesn't want me in there either really. I worry that we are enabling her to carry on like this - that maybe we should be firmer. We have tried asking her to fetch her own food once or twice but it never ends well.
She just won't come out and we don't know what we should do.

Pimpernella Chase CAMHS again. Don't worry about being a 'pushy parent'. That is exactly what you need to be.

Medication alone won't work, it should be alongside therapy. What does DD think of increasing the dose? If she is competent it will be her decision. To an extent you do need to push. DS1 wouldn't do anything or go anywhere if we didn't make him. Because of his MH he hasn't got the capacity to make rational decisions about what is in his best interests so we decide for him. You need learn the signs that you can push and when you must stop because it would be harmful.

Day There's a difference between being firmer and being confrontational. Being firmer and nurturing are not mutually exclusive, and are able to be done successfully with DC with suicidal ideation. It won't be easy but it will help. Maybe discuss you will buy the Starbucks bottles and he can have one if he gets out of bed by 10. Once he's into the routine of getting up earlier and going to sleep earlier it will get easier.

You should request an EHCNA. IPSEA, that I linked to yesterday, have a model letter. Also contact sixth form.

day/pimpernella welcome
I'm sorry you are both in such difficult circs with teens.its very hard
I am an "evil mum" that has nagged DD up everyday since she became anxious,now depressed.i don't always get her to settle at night,but she has got up every day.often with lots yelling and with incentives of things she loves to eat/do/buy.i dread the day she refuses as I'd be at a loss how to reverse it all.im very grateful at this point she's still prepared to engage with try help herself.we are using
B.A.C.E skills as recommended by camhs

Be kind to yourself
(Eat well,rest,sleep,exercise,take meds for illness)
Achievement(chores/schoolwork)
Connect(family/friends)
Enjoy(things you love,hobbies etc)

It's not easy.achievement causes a lot of cross words.i have threatened take her phone...I've also bought things like a swearing colouring book to get her to engage.she takes a twisted delight in using it!

Please look after yourselves and we are here to listen.always

Zoo the swearing colouring book is a brilliant idea.

It really should be bedtime already. DS1 is still in an awful mood.

Thank you for your kindness.
I think we've done everything wrong and continue to do so.
I can't face the anger and distress when we try to make her do something she doesn't want to do. I think I am too scared since I suffer with episodes of feeling suicidal myself and don't like to imagine what would happen if I felt everyone was against me.

I too work in school and finish on Friday.

So sorry.
I know just how you feel. 😕

I have no proper advice.

We can't do it for them so you need to give yourself a bit of a break. If he is safe in there - let that be enough until you can gather yourself again.

I hope things are a little calmer now, Day. Counselling for you may help. If you can't cope take DS to A&E, at the very least please do call the crisis team they are not just for suicidal ideation. If you don't want to do either of the above ring CAMHS Monday morning, follow up with an email.

It's not personal. This is not your DS, it is his MH condition. You are taking the brunt of it because you are there, you love him and he knows you always will not matter what. Pimpernella is right, as long as DS is safe if you feel you need to have some time away.

You can request a carer's assessment from social care. Letter template here. And an assessment from the disabled children's team for DS. Letter template here.

Pimpernella don't beat yourself up. You did what you thought was best for everyone at that moment in time. Everyone can look back with hindsight and wish they had done things differently at certain times. Try not to ruminate on it.

I understand it is relentless. That's the nature of having DC with additional needs. But if you don't do it no-one else will fight for DS. Can DH take on more of the load?

You could ask the GP about counselling, or see if your local carer support service offers free sessions. Relate are reasonably priced too. Does DS get PIP?

Whether you can email the SPA will depend on your local area.

PIP is personal independence payment - the adult version of DLA. Apply for it, you can apply on DS' behalf by becoming his appointee. Then if you get tax credits or UC you get an additional allowance. And if you don't because you earn too much DS (or you on his behalf) can claim UC. This would allow you to free up some money.

DH needs to take on more of the load.

I don't know whether you can email the SPA, whether the email address is manned will depend on your area.

PIP is not means tested. DS meets the criteria. Please apply. He will then be able to apply for UC unless he has more than £16K in savings.

What about making a list of things to do? I find to do lists helpful. If I was you I would:

• Phone CAMHS - follow up with email or letter.
• Apply to LA for EHCP - using IPSEA's model letter.
• Apply for PIP - including becoming DS' appointee.
• Speak to sixth form before they break up - follow up with email(s).
• Ask social care for assessments - using Contact's model letters.
• Get multivitamin and extra Vit D if DS doesn't already take them.
• Phone GP for counselling for you.
• Investigate local carer support service.

Can you speak to DS about how to move forward because currently it's not working for anyone. I get the impression DS thinks that if you care you should leave him be. Which obviously isn't in his best interests.

I can't speak for what the HCP meant, you should ask CAMHS, but perhaps it is that although DS has a low mood he doesn't meet the diagnostic criteria for clinical depression. Or maybe she meant he has something like mixed anxiety depressive disorder rather than clinical depression alone.

As MN like to say you have a DH problem. DH works, I don't. Apart from the boys' DLA and my carer's allowance he brings in the sole income. He still does a share of caring for DS' because he recognises that actually working is the easier of the 2. If he's not willing to help he certainly shouldn't be criticising you.