Severe anxiety and panic. Help.

[AllAboutTheGin]

I came off sertraline 5 ish months ago. Was on it for pnd/pna for 2 years and 2 more 2 year stints between each of 3 kids.
Since coming off I have had severe anxiety and panic attacks for an intense period of a week befor and during my period. So I was pretty sure it’s hormonal.
This month, I have been trapped in 3 days of sheer terror, middle of the night panic attacks, utter, deep fear constantly and I am totally desperate.
Three nights ago I was woken by the worst panic attack ever. Palpitations etc and lasted 6 hours before I could sleep, then lingering achy chest and churning stomach/butterflies the next day. I went to A&e and ecg was clear.
Two nights ago I had a massive panic attack in the evening with DH, I was sobbing and begging him to take me to hospital (I didnt think it was going to Kill me, but I felt so SO afraid that it was never going to end and I wanted to be sedated or monitored or something - just be somewhere safe) it went on about an hour. Eventually a relative came over with 5mg of Valium and it worked and I slept it all off.
Saw GP the next morning (yesterday) and she gave me propanolol 40mg 3x per day, and 5mg Valium for desperate nights. (It always peaks in evening) I was reluctant to go back on sertraline as I basically haven’t had sex for 6 years apart from on the times I’ve been off it - to conceive! Totally destroys my libido. But that’s the only side effect.
Yesterday I was fine and I thought the propanolol was helping. I was kept busy with toddler DD3 which helped. Last night even then Valium didn’t really help. I was so anxious and fearful and convinced I was going to feel panic for ever and would end up sectioning myself to stay safe. Really believed I would never come out of this. eventually I slept, obviously from the Valium.
Today still feeling that creeping up feeling of dread from the pit of my stomach. Butterflies and my mind fixating on the ‘fact’ that it will never go away. The last 3 months this has happened it has gone on day 3-4 of my period but I’m still waiting for my period to arrive and I amd now completely convinced this time will be different and it will never end. The only ray of hope I have is that if it doesn’t end when my period does, I can go back in the sertraline, but I even have some doubt there that it will work this time. I’m just so stuck in this fear. My worst case thought is that it will never stop and I’ll be forced to kill myself, although I don’t feel suicidal. I just feel terror. And I can imagine myself as that person rocking and crying and sobbing in a mental institution for the rest of time.
What do I do? I am desperate and I am counting down the house till the kids are in bed and that’s when it all starts to kick off.

Sounds like when you are distracted you remain calm. I know it’s impossible to be distracted all the time but keep yourself as busy as possible for the next month until you feel a little bit better. If I’m lying in bed and can feel a panic attack brewing then I’ll do something to distract my thoughts such as listing my 20 favourite foods or 20 favourite Disney films, 20 countries I want to visit etc. It sounds silly but by the time I’ve done it I have calmed my mind a bit. During the day keep doing things like exercise, chatting to friends, listening to music, reading, watching something that will really engross you on TV, Listen to podcasts (don’t have to be ones about anxiety, just anything that interests you) cooking, painting your nails etc to focus your mind.
The more I spoke about my anxiety with other people the more it was in my mind so I tried to avoid discussing it unless it was really, really bad and I needed someone to talk me down.

I use Glenn Harrold relaxation techniques - you can find him on YouTube or download an app. I was totally cynical about it but it really has helped. Mind you, I’m also on sertraline and the two together have been miraculous for me.

I feel ok right now. I can’t believe all you random strangers are taking the time to talk to me. Thank you so much. I think keeping distracted is key, at least until this period of time has passed. I have friends over this afternoon then I’m going to try a yoga class tonight. I’ve warned the teacher I might walk out at any moment if I feel panic brewing!
I’m still really worried about the evening looming and feeling the panic kick in from around 8pm.

Moving helps, OP. I meant to say it to you earlier. When you're in a heightened state of anxiety your body is being flooded with adrenaline that you don't need putting you in fight/flight/freeze mode - if you move around you'll release some of it, because your body thinks you're doing flight.

Hey OP, just wanted to suggest the book DARE - I'm finding it quite good for panic! X

Thanks for more suggestions. Yes I imagine that going for a walk in the middle of it might help.
Just went to yoga. Not done it in years but a friend dragged me. I didn’t really enjoy it - I felt it too easy to feel anxious, too much time, too quiet, too much attention on bodily sensations. Feel really quite anxious now.

I am moving house next week and can’t quite imagine what that’s going to do to me

Oh dear. A house move is tough at the best of times.

I suggest doing a separate post on here to get supportive ideas and help related to the house move. Have you got anyone helping in real life?

When I'm very anxious I kind of shut down and I find it hard to make simple decisions like which load of washing to do first.

Lots of help in real life. Great friends and a few family members too. I actually think having something big to focus on might help me. I’m also banking on the sertraline having kicked in by then! We have packers, and the move is a week today. We have already done a lot of the big stuff.

I can’t thank you enough for keeping coming back with words of support.

I am having a glass of wine and definitely going to attempt cutting the Valium down to half a tablet tonight. I feel much more able to give that a go.

If I were you I'd take the whole thing - or at least feel free to take the other half. Don't be too hard on yourself. You won't become addicted in a few nights. DH is an actual addict and his GP knows, and prescribes 2.5mg 3 times a day for back pain/ muscle spasm every now and then.

I’ve taken the half, and I’ll take the other half up to bed with me in case I need it. I am feeling pretty sleepy and could probably go to bed very soon.
This entire week has just wiped us all out and my amazing DH is looking ready to collapse 😢

I hope you get a good sleep. You're both exhausted I'm sure. You do sound a bit calmer.

Great day, not a hint of the fear.... roll on 5 pm and bam. Skin crawling, butterflies, the dread, tight chest, lump in throat. So frightened of it starting up again. WTF is wrong with me?!

Fuck fuck duck it’s all back with a vengeance

6th day of Valium and convinced I have a dependence already.

You don't. You really don't. If you had a dependence you'd want them earlier on.

Your trigger seems to be evening time. I wonder why that is. I notice with DH he's less anxious in the evenings.

I wonder can you time something to distract you come evening time. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I came on to say that mirtazapine worked well for me but I did gain weight on it as I have no will power. I've just been put on sertraline and propropanol and amitriptyline to help with depression anxiety and sleep. I still have occasional panic attacks at night and bad palpitations but I don't remember having that when I was on mirtazapine.
I'm overweight now so couldn't risk going on mirtazapine again and gaining even more which leads to its own health issues.
I also recommend the mindfulness, exercise and cbt.
I really hope you start to feel better and I'm sure short term use of valium is fine. I've been prescribed it before for a week for anxiety and severe depression.

Thank you thank you
I don’t know why the evenings trigger me. I suppose the only explanation is that I had my first couple of proper panic attacks in the evening, so it’s like anticipation. Also when I first experienced anxiety when my eldest was a baby, it was often related to his health and I was convinced he would die over night. I don’t worry about that now thligh thank god!
Tomorrow I have made plans to go out for a meal with friends. Just around the corner. The idea is that it will shake up my 7 night run of being on the sofa with DH waiting for something to happen to me.
Yesterday was my best day and it was the only exercise i have managed all week - maybe that had something to do with it.
I feel like there things should all be positive but I can’t exercise/meditate/talk to friends every hour of every day and what do I do when I’m left with my thoughts?
Sertraline has worked so well for me in the past I just hope it does this time. What if it doesnt

There's definitely something about the evenings. With DH I think it's because his DM is usually calm in the evenings after dinner, but she could lose the plot at any stage prior to that.

I've been through the same,a few years ago all the same symptoms, looking for reassurance from gp etc, thought I would end up killing myself because I couldn't take the thought of feeling like this for ever! Anyway what helped me was knowing the panic attack was coming and just surrendering to it,dont fight it just let it come and with time I got on with my life and didnt even notice, it did take a while! Fear feeds fear, so if your afraid of the panic it makes the panic worse,
The book and website that helped me change my life was 'at last a life', by paul david.
I hope everything works out for you I know how horrible and desperate it cam make you feel, you are not alone

I agree with @solomonsfish85 that you have to just accept that you’ll have a panic attack later on and not try and fight it. The more relaxed you are about it the less time the panic attack will last. When it’s happening keep telling yourself it’s happened loads of times before and you have survived much worse. It’s difficult at first to try and act unbothered by it but over time it makes the world of difference and your panic attacks will get less and less frequent

I have already had two attacks today. Not full on panic attacks as I didn’t have the palpitations, but all the other rising panic symptoms I’ve mentioned before. I am so desperate. Trying so hard to be accepting of it and started reading a book by Claire Weekes about accepting the fear and facing up to it, but I think that reading it triggered the attacks!
My husband is literally packing up the house, doing all the parenting, organising the movers, maintaining a family life, while I hide away trying to fight the panic. We can’t move house like this and yet there is no other option.
I’m currently at hospital having had a check over because I thought I was going to pass out, the beta blockers I think have made me so drowsy and I can’t keep my eyes open. Plus I think the sertraline is giving me all the side effects people speak of which somehow I have avoided previously. I fee sick, dizzy, drowsy, dry mouth, anxious and fucking terrified. I think the On call GP will tell me to take more Valium
Maybe morning and night. Still waiting to see her.

That made no sense sorry

Panic attacks definitely cannot last forever nor can they make you go crazy or die (although I know they make you feel that way). They are a bodily reaction, a release of hormones that evolved in us thousands of years ago, a physical reaction specifically designed to keep us safe. Your body and mind can 100% handle these anxious sensations, it is literally designed to.

Your stuck in a cycle of fear. Worrying about the next panic attack, every little anxious feeling or sensation. The more you resist these feelings, the more it persists. You don’t have to do anything except accept how you feel and allow it to be there, which may be hard to grasp, as fighting it has become an instinctive response. Accepting and allowing the anxious sensations puts you back in control of your response to the anxiety and panic. Where you would normally want to push back, try ‘I accept and allow these anxious feelings, I accept and allow these anxious thoughts’ to whatever comes up.

A ‘kill switch’ if you feel a panic attack setting in, is to call it out. Tell it to do its worst, you demand it. You’ve survived the worst panic attack you thought you’d ever had before, right? You will survive the next one. Call it’s bluff.

Sorry just read your update. Allowing the feelings is really difficult. It does take time to switch your response.
Although ‘Allowing’ doesn’t mean forcing yourself to relax. It’s the opposite, ‘oh you want to make me feel faint, ok anxiety, I allow you to do that’... ‘you want my heart to race? Ok I accept that, can you make it beat faster?’

I’ve been there OP, it’s the worst. You can get over this, I promise you.