Severe anxiety and panic. Help.

[AllAboutTheGin]

I came off sertraline 5 ish months ago. Was on it for pnd/pna for 2 years and 2 more 2 year stints between each of 3 kids.
Since coming off I have had severe anxiety and panic attacks for an intense period of a week befor and during my period. So I was pretty sure it’s hormonal.
This month, I have been trapped in 3 days of sheer terror, middle of the night panic attacks, utter, deep fear constantly and I am totally desperate.
Three nights ago I was woken by the worst panic attack ever. Palpitations etc and lasted 6 hours before I could sleep, then lingering achy chest and churning stomach/butterflies the next day. I went to A&e and ecg was clear.
Two nights ago I had a massive panic attack in the evening with DH, I was sobbing and begging him to take me to hospital (I didnt think it was going to Kill me, but I felt so SO afraid that it was never going to end and I wanted to be sedated or monitored or something - just be somewhere safe) it went on about an hour. Eventually a relative came over with 5mg of Valium and it worked and I slept it all off.
Saw GP the next morning (yesterday) and she gave me propanolol 40mg 3x per day, and 5mg Valium for desperate nights. (It always peaks in evening) I was reluctant to go back on sertraline as I basically haven’t had sex for 6 years apart from on the times I’ve been off it - to conceive! Totally destroys my libido. But that’s the only side effect.
Yesterday I was fine and I thought the propanolol was helping. I was kept busy with toddler DD3 which helped. Last night even then Valium didn’t really help. I was so anxious and fearful and convinced I was going to feel panic for ever and would end up sectioning myself to stay safe. Really believed I would never come out of this. eventually I slept, obviously from the Valium.
Today still feeling that creeping up feeling of dread from the pit of my stomach. Butterflies and my mind fixating on the ‘fact’ that it will never go away. The last 3 months this has happened it has gone on day 3-4 of my period but I’m still waiting for my period to arrive and I amd now completely convinced this time will be different and it will never end. The only ray of hope I have is that if it doesn’t end when my period does, I can go back in the sertraline, but I even have some doubt there that it will work this time. I’m just so stuck in this fear. My worst case thought is that it will never stop and I’ll be forced to kill myself, although I don’t feel suicidal. I just feel terror. And I can imagine myself as that person rocking and crying and sobbing in a mental institution for the rest of time.
What do I do? I am desperate and I am counting down the house till the kids are in bed and that’s when it all starts to kick off.

Just did a 20 min you tube grounding mindfulness. Almost totally surrendered to it and feel quite relaxed now. First time in days. Still a little bit of a surge in my tummy that lets me know the panic could re appear at any time. But it felt ok. I’m about to take a Valium and try to believe there will be no panic tonight. Thank you everyone x

Ok five mins later and I’m already feeling panicky again FUCK

Ashamed to say I had a small glass of wine as well as the Valium. I’m obviously scared about that but also feel good and not a hint of panic in me. Maybe this can break the cycle?

Also I feel quite tearful but I’m scared of crying in case it triggers a whole rollercoaster of panic. I’m not a crier.

It's not healthy not to cry. When I hold in grief my anxiety reappears.

Tears from emotional pain actually have a different chemical composition and physical shape to tears for physical pain. The tears are letting out some of the stress and pain.

But sometimes people prefer to hold it all in, myself included, rather than acknowledge there's some kind of unhealed hurt there. Too hard to face.

I was on escitalopram myself OP. No side effects. I understand wanting to escape the anxiety, it's dreadful, the fear, and the fear of the fear, and the thinking it will never go away. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Look up panic disorder. It's a cycle of fear of the next panic attack/ happening - fear and shame of what might happen eg losing control, passing out, dying etc.

I definitely have panic disorder! Although I only seem to have it around my period (which arrived today) but this month as I said, I’m convinced it’s here to stay. Am at the Gp now waiting for appointment.

Re crying, I used to cry but sertraline did seem to put a bit of a stop to that. One of the other reasons I came off - not really feeling extremes of emotion any more as Nagita described up thread a bit.
My GP seems reluctant to refer me on to psychiatrist. I don’t know why. What would one of those be able to offer me that she can’t? I just think they would know more drug options, know more about side effects and what might suit me. Not to mention that I might have more faith in believing them when they say I’ll be ok in the end.
Had a good night last night. No panic but obvs I know that was medicated and I can’t take Valium every night! I feel not too bad now either, with the beta blocker, but again I feel that edgy panic feeling that I am constantly aware could escalate at any moment.

Saw Gp and she straight off told me to go back on sertraline without a second thought. Think I will just have to do that.
Went for long walk and feel ok. Not too panicky. Then did the self referral for therapy and cried answering some of the questions.

You poor thing. There's something there that hasn't been dealt with.

I'm glad you feel less panicky today.

#apileofballyhoo
What do you mean not dealt with - something in my subconscious or literally something that my GP has missed? Not sure I understand your message, sorry.
I’m half a day into my period and I literally feel normal. A little worried that it will return later, but compared to the last 5 days I am basically normal. I have been reading about PMDD and wonder if it is that. I have also spoken with DH and he thinks I should go back on the sertraline even though we basically know it’s cyclical - because we can’t do this every month. But I just feel like it’s so shit that I can’t fix the root cause if there is one

I also realise after posting that that my idea of feeling normal has changed somewhat! I feel better without a doubt, but after the last few days I do t know if I’ll ever feel normal or be able to forget that feeling of panic, and the very low level anxiety is still there. But I feel quite a lot better!

Just another note of reassurance that you can get through this OP. I came off Sertraline last summer and had a very similar experience. Couldn’t see how I was going to get through it but I did. I’m not cured but I’m not spending every waking minute dreading the next panic attack. I did go back on Sertraline, hadn’t actually planned to come off it 😬🤷‍♀️ I’m thinking that if it helps stabilise things while I explore other techniques then it doesn’t mean I have to be on it forever. Best wishes xxx

Exercise is very useful for feelings of anxiety, alcohol is bad. If I was you I would stay on the Setraline until things have calmed down a bit. Then maybe discuss switching to a different antidepressant to see if you can find one that suits you best. It is very common for people to try a few different antidepressants until they find the one that suits them best. Good luck.

Then did the self referral for therapy and cried answering some of the questions.

Sorry Gin I meant if the questions are making you cry, there's something hitting a nerve, whatever it is. I used to get far more anxious before my period too. Not so much anymore thankfully.

Have you had all your bloods checked?

No, no bloods checked. Dr just seems keen to medicate.
I’m starting to feel the panic creeping in again. I really let myself believe for a while there that it was over 😢 Going to start on the sertraline again tonight.
These beta blockers are also making me EXHAUSTED! I guess the panic and anxiety also making me feel pretty tired too

I thought I might see a different GP, someone who’s more into women’s health and menopause maybe.

Anxiety is absolutely exhausting- I don't know what age you are but mine was menopause related and is a common symptom. I think you're doing the right thing going back on your meds but it would be good to see a different GP and ask for a double appointment to give you time to discuss properly. It is terrifying having panic attacks but I remember my GP promising me it would get better with the help of meds and therapy plus some kindness to yourself and time. It will pass x

I’m nearly 39. I am sure it is something peri menopausal. I think I might see a different GP.
Anyway, I feel anxious. Not full on panicky, because I guess the beta blockers are doing their thing, but my stomach is churning and I have the fear. Just did a mindfulness thing which works for the 20 mins and then the symptoms come back straight away.
I have just taken half a Valium. Just a half tonight. I am terrified of getting addicted. GP said 5 mg for the first few nights (which I did for 3 nights) but tonight I want to try just a half. I can always take the other half later if I need it I guess?
I am starting back on their sertraline too.

Fuck. I bottled it and took the second half. That’s 4 nights in a row of 5mg Valium.
Feel like I’m going to sleep amazingly though 🤦‍♀️

I don't think it's terrible to take 5mg valium 4 nights in a row. Have a good sleep and hopefully you'll feel a bit better tomorrow.

Fear is back. As soon as I opened my eyes this morning. Pit of my stomach. I’m going to try going for a swim.

Hey OP, hope the swim helped.

I’ve just started reading a book called ‘a little peace of mind’, there’s a podcast too. It seems really helpful, might be a worth a look if you haven’t already come across it xx

Thank you. The swim helped, but then I visited a friend and filled her in on my week. Just talking about the panic bright it all back to me and have been struggling again since I left her. She said all the right things and assured me the sertraline will work, but I still feel so wobbly having gone over it again. I thought talking was supposed to help.

Which is why I worry about reading books/ listening to podcasts. It’s like when I remind myself of the panic and my capacity to feel it, it comes flooding back.

With my anxiety if I try and fight it too much it gets so much worse. I have had to learn coping techniques to not freak out when I have a panic attack. The more I practiced it the less the panic attacks bothered me and I now hardly ever have them anymore. I can breathe through them now and they don’t last as long.
I used to dread them so badly that I was constantly tense and barely left the house incase one happened in public. I couldn’t even watch TV properly as my mind couldn’t focus on anything other than what symptoms I was feeling and if a panic attack might be on its way.
Keep doing things to relax your mind every day and you will eventually calm your nervous system down enough that things will improve, I promise!

Caramel -That is how i feel - so acutely awarenof all sensations and on the alert for the next wave of panic.
I have done a couple of ten min mindfulness things today on headspace. Is that the sort of thing you mean, to relax my mind? I feel relaxed for those ten mins then it quickly ramps up again. I have had a lovely 30 mins phone call with a friend, we didn’t talk about it at all and I felt great, almost normal til I put the phone down.
What other techniques have you learnt?