To feel so suicidal and not know where to turn

[Feelingsolost1]

Hi, not sure where to post this, need the best advice possible.
I'm married to a man who makes me so unhappy, I resent him.
He is a bully (I think?) I have lost all my confidence and self worth I don't even know if what I'm thinking is true!
I have serious mental health issues and he does nothing to help, he financially abuses me, makes me feel absolutely worthless, I do nearly everything for our children because he is so selfish, he will make himself lunch and not sort anything for the kids, he will wash a few bits HE needs but won't put any the family washing on at the same time, he expects me to pay him back for every single thing he buys - including things at like £1! He earns a wage, i have a few pounds left in my bank account and I lay awake worrying last night because I know he won't help and I'm stuck with nothing.
I feel like I walk around on eggshells most days, but for some reason seem to think I owe him something!
How do I get out of this? With no money, no savings? We don't own a home so can't get anything from that, I don't have any friends and don't have a good relationship with my mum. Where do I go? I can't make my kids leave schools with friends they know and they are so happy and settled..
I'm so down I feel so suicidal and just don't know where to turn anymore.
Any advice from traffic is more appreciated than you know. Thanks

Call the Samaritan's as you're suicidal. 116 123

Didnt want to read without replying so sending you hugs...
And plz consider calling www.supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide/
If your H is not supporting you then plz leave him and take care of yourself and your kids. I'm sure women's aid or similar can help you...

Please talk to someone in RL. 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Have you family that you can turn to?

Make an appointment to see your GP first thing tomorrow. Phone Samaritans tonight and just talk, they're wonderful and will listen and help and signpost you to agencies that can give guidance.
You need a plan to leave your abusive partner OP.

Thanks for replies so far. Sadly not really, had a traumatic up bringing in which my mum and I don't have a good relationship and dad's passed away. I have my two kids, it's usually just us 3. I think if I talk in RL it makes it real and I really am a failure

I'm in contact with my GP I see him once every 2 weeks, I also have a psychologist and psychiatrist and take my medication daily, I usually just ride along but I really am beginning to feel like the only reason I'm still here is my two children

Are you in contact with a mental health team or your GP etc for your mental health issues? You need to get in contact with them and explain how you're feeling. If not then you need a GP appointment asap.
If you don't feel safe right now you can go to A&E or phone your local crisis team if you have one.

Sorry cross post with you OP

He is making you ill. Unless you get away from him you won’t get better. Depression is due to the life your living

@FabbyChix I don't understand how to accept that and I know that makes me sound stupid.. but I don't believe in my own thoughts anymore, I have it embedded that it must all be my fault.

Please contact the Samaritans first https://www.samaritans.org/

Then contact Womens aid https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/" target="_blank">/
0808 2000 247

I second guess everything I think, everything I say..

Do you feel as though you want to end your life right now?

If so please call Samaritans

So sorry to hear this. I don’t have any advice over and above what others have said. Just sending support - you’re obviously a fantastic mother to your children, and please get some get some help in real life xxx

Contact womens aid.

No, I don't think I'm going to do anything right now, I just feel super lost.

I love my children, thank you for noticing, I try my hardest, even when I'm having my lowest days, I still try to smile when they are around.

ring womens aid. They can help you no matter what your financial situation is. No one should live like that and with someone so vile

I don't know how to leave, where do I go? I don't even have money for a bus, how pathetic?!

Sorry cross post @iamtinkabella. So woman's aid can help me find accommodation?

If you ring womens aid they can tell you how you can leave, even if it means to a womens refuse to keep you safe and happy. They will support you and your children until you are happy again and ready to get back on your feet. Please make the call

Women’s Aid will help.

Thank you I will look at woman's aid x

yes they can help with accomodation. even if it means you staying in a refuge (which honestly isnt a bad thing whatsoever) until you can fjnd somewhere. They can help you apply for housing etc and will literally support you with everything to help you get away and be a better version of yourself

Perhaps Citizens Advice re accommodation and benefits?
Women’s Aid also.
I’m sorry to hear this, it’s awful living on eggshells.
You do need to get away from this man