Mother left baby in PICU

[UndertheCedartree]

I just wondered your opinion on this or any help with how to deal with it?

I was born 2 months early, very unwell and with a hole in my lung. Doctors told my parents that I wouldn't survive but were transfering me to the PICU in the nearest city quite a way from the town I was born. Both my parents chose to not come with me.

My mother had already had 2 still born babies - then she had my brother who was 11 months old when I was born and had a nanny as she had been in hospital for 3 months prior to my birth. My parents had not planned to have any more children after my brother but my mother accidently fell pregnant. My father didn't want to go to the PICU nor did he support my mother in going. He felt they should distance themselves to help them move on. My mother could not face watching her baby alone.

Happily I got better and was able to leave the PICU 3 months later and be cared for by my parents. I don't judge their decisions as it was obviously what they needed to cope. I wish my father had been able to support my mother. The early 'abandonment' has affected my mental health and I have nightmares about it.

Sorry this happened OP.

I can see you are hurting but I cannot find it in me to judge the parents. We all have a pint where we snap.

I can understand why your parents did what they did.

Why do you feel it's affecting you so much? Have you struggled to have a relationship with them growing up?

If you've had a good relationship with them then you need to let it go. If you weren't told about it or hadn't read about it do you think you'd have these issues?

Either way you need some help, go to your GP and ask to be referred to talking therapy.

Did they visit you?

I wonder why they/she told you? Where they good parents subsequent to that? Your mum had a horrendous pg with you and two awful experiences prior to that. I do think you need some sympathy for that, along with the expert opinion that you were also not going to survive. Did you have the nightmares etc before anyone told you this had happened? As in if you didn't know, would you have any issues with it - I know we can still be affected by what happens when we are tiny but I don't think we'd have any conscious knowledge of it. She must have been very torn, with a child at home who needed her and the prospect of another loved baby dying in front of her.
BUT I have every sympathy for you too OP and I wish you had had the start in life you wanted and needed.

I have no idea what happened surrounding my birth.

My children all had a natural birth but had there been a disaster I would barely have mentioned it to them/glossed over it.

What I'm saying is that I have no understanding of why your parents would tell you that and it must be perhaps indicative of your childhood?

Have you ever sought psychotherapy about this?

Hi there, we've had a couple of reports about this thread and just wanted to confirm we have invited the OP to post here in Mental Health as we felt it was a more appropriate topic.

I'm sorry this happened to you, do you have support in real life?

I worked in an NICU in the 70’s. Visiting was not encouraged. Over 4+ years, I remember only a few parents visiting once or twice certainly not regularly.

I saw your earlier post and felt nothing but sympathy for your parents.

However, I also feel sympathy for you, obviously. A lot of children will face issues because of their parents' health problems, whether physical or mental. Would it help you to see it in that way? That you suffered but it wasn't their fault? Were they good parents once you were home?

@TakeDownTheTree - I did have a difficult time growing up. I think my DM found it hard to bond with me and she did struggle looking after me. My DF was quite abusive so that was difficult too. I'm not sure exactly about if I'd not been told - I think it would be different. But I've had 'abandonment' nightmares/flashbacks as long as I can remember. My psychologist thinks the situation has affected my mental health.

@CuckooCuckooClock as far as I am aware they didn't. My DM would phone up to ask after me, though.

I’m so sorry that this has affected you. I have some experience from the other side, as I have a baby who spent three months and a bit in picu. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, and I didn’t have th trauma of two previous stillbirths to contend with. Of course I visited my baby though I also had a toddler at home, which made visiting challenging. Some days I would drive to the hospital and just sit in the car park and cry. So I understand (a very small amount) why your parents made the decision they did. It sounds like your mother did not have enough support from your dad or health care professionals. Nowadays they really would facilitate the mother seeing the baby, even if the baby was thought not to survive.

Please do seek therapy if you haven’t already, but please also don’t assume that your parents left you there because they didn’t love you or want you:

@Iggi999 - my DM spoke to me about it from a young age and fairly frequently. As far as I remember she would initiate the conversations and looking back on it now I wonder if she spoke to me about it as she couldn't speak to my DF about it. She spoke to me about her stillbirth babies too. My DF was quite abusive and my DM struggled but did her best.

I have had the nightmares as long as I can remember so not sure if I knew when they started. My therapist says they could be flashbacks from when I was tiny which seems crazy but who knows?

@RivkaMumsnet - thank you.

Not sure why some people are intent on not allowing me to get support with this difficult experience.

You may be right @FraglesRock

I feel sympathy for you OP, but as I cannot imagine how it must feel to have one baby born stillborn, let alone two., I can't judge your parents. The fact that they were informed that they were going to lose a third child must have been soul destroying and they coped with it the only way they felt it could.

It sounds like focusing on the time in hospital is maybe being used as a way of distancing yourself from the real issue, that of your abusive father and poor bond with your mother. Have you considered that your flashbacks are false memories?

What help are you getting?

@Mumof1andacat - yes bit not really dealt with it yet. I am hoping to get trauma therapy at one point
@slipperywhensparticus - yes - although I find it hard to talk about as I feel it is silly that I struggle so much about something that happened when I was a baby.

Sorry this has affected your mental health. Perhaps some counselling would be useful.
To give you a parent’s perspective, nicu/ picu is a terrifying place. My daughter was in nicu for 4 months and during that time, I remember 5 or 6 babies dying. My daughter was then admitted a year later and died very suddenly in picu. When the crash alarm was first pulled I ran away and screamed by the lifts. I wish I had been there the whole time (my husband was) and I did go back in before she died. But it was utterly heartbreaking to not be able to protect her and I understand your parents’ desires to protect themselves after previous stillbirths.

Did your DM get ver abandon you or choose your DF over you? Is that what causes your fears? TBH what happened at the hospital is/was very common for mums with another baby at home. She had to leave to care for your brother, but you say she was checking up on you and when you rallied they brought you home.
She sounds very brave through a terrible time. I am sorry that it haunts you though. Have you discussed the impact on you with her or is it too late for that?

Sounds like your DM had little choice. If your DF was abusive she may have been scared and phoning was all she could do.

I'm sorry this happened. I wish I could offer more advice but just wanted to sympathise and say it's really shitty and the fact you're still struggling makes it 1000% times worse

@fallfallfall - this may explain it a bit but my DP had the option to come with me - there was a bed available for my DM. My GPs who lived nearer the hospital visited weekly so there was the opportunity to visit - they weren't kept away. My DF didn't want to visit and my DM felt she couldn't cope alone.

@fallfallfall - Sorry meant to say it was the 80s

OP this sounds very hard for you and your mum.

From a mum's POV - it is very difficult when you are not supported to be with your child. I had twins in a modern teaching hospital in 2018 and they were 'on paper' very supportive of parents spending time with children - 24h access for parents, etc. But in practice, I found things like one day I turned up and my daughter was gone and her bed stripped as though she'd died - actually she'd been moved to another ward. Another time, I tried to ask a nurse a question and got snapped at as she was on a drugs round - I didn't know, how could I? Another time, when I was in a really low place, a random dr approached me and ordered me off the ward. Still no idea why and apparently in contravention of their own policies.

My point is, if it is like this in a well-regarded hospital in 2018, what was it like 30 years ago? Would your mum have been able to access the hospital - did she have a car, was there transport, were others in the family telling her to listen to the drs and her husband? I do not think you should judge her based on what you have said.

The other thing is, and I mean this with kindness, at some point you need to move on. My sister had Stage 3 cancer as a child and has some comparable experiences to you. But at some stage, you cannot let this live in your mind in this way. It can't determine your emotional landscape for the rest of your life.