Mother left baby in PICU

[UndertheCedartree]

I just wondered your opinion on this or any help with how to deal with it?

I was born 2 months early, very unwell and with a hole in my lung. Doctors told my parents that I wouldn't survive but were transfering me to the PICU in the nearest city quite a way from the town I was born. Both my parents chose to not come with me.

My mother had already had 2 still born babies - then she had my brother who was 11 months old when I was born and had a nanny as she had been in hospital for 3 months prior to my birth. My parents had not planned to have any more children after my brother but my mother accidently fell pregnant. My father didn't want to go to the PICU nor did he support my mother in going. He felt they should distance themselves to help them move on. My mother could not face watching her baby alone.

Happily I got better and was able to leave the PICU 3 months later and be cared for by my parents. I don't judge their decisions as it was obviously what they needed to cope. I wish my father had been able to support my mother. The early 'abandonment' has affected my mental health and I have nightmares about it.

We’re not talking 1950s here. In the 80s parents with very sick babies were routinely offered counselling.

I doubt that was common nationwide. Sadly I work with children with complex health conditions (community not inpatient) and there is no counselling/mental health support for the parents available despite it clearly being needed. Not commissioned. They could access generic talking therapies in theory but waiting lists are long, it isnt designed for families with ill children so childcare would be needed which is often impractical sometimes impossible.

I remember in the eighties reading ground breaking articles about the value on skin to skin contact for premature babies. Babies were being lifted out of their incubators to be handled by parents when they had previously lived in them full time. As far as I remember, people were only beginning to understand its importance then.

The attitude towards stillbirths was very different. You really can’t judge her based on year 2020 standards.

I remember being in a hospital as a small child, definitely put of nappies but not old enough to be in school. It was so very different from how hospital run now. Regimented visiting times, a very stern Sister and limited activity for me. My parents didn't drive and had 2 other children and my Dad worked shifts - I had very few visits from my parents and the memories I have of being in hospital see difficult and upsetting.

From what you have said your mother was probably deeply unwell and very poorly supported by your father. While a bed may have been available he may well have pressured her not to take it. I have a lot of sympathy for you both.

I don’t think anyone is judging the mother fallfallfall
Even when mothers are doing their absolute best it still may not meet the ends of their children and it sound like the op did not have her needs met. We don’t need to apportion blame to acknowledge this.

*needs not ends

You have EVERY right to be traumatised by this!
You were abandoned from the second you were born.
FFS people, even the most basic psychology of animals left without nurture in their first few months of development will show what a detrimental effect this has.
Yes, to definitely getting as much help and support you can with this and you are totally justified, let alone also having an abusive father

Would your DM be up for going to family therapy with you so you can both talk about the trauma of that time. It will have been deeply traumatic for both of you, and it may help you bond. Delayed bonding can be just as strong and loving and powerful as instant bonding, so if you have a loving relationship now, even if it's fragile or damaged by what happened, it's worth asking to do this with you, for both your benefit.

My eldest sister was third child after two losses. She was prem and extremely ill. My siblings died at six months and three months and my mum wouldn't see my sister in NICU for two months either as she presumed she would die too.

So from my experience there are two issues. My mum was mentally fucked up by all this. I think it started a PD as my mum was also abusive as a parent.

It's not information that should have been disclosed at such a young age. Maybe after we hit 21 but like you, we knew as very young kids. Our parents had no support network either at the time of the births.

So in summary being told I feel is part of a bigger abuse picture. Sorry but I do think was abused mentally.

Secondly the reason for the abuse is not helped by the trauma your parents went through.

So some parents suck up the trauma, pull together and become stronger people and some just dont or cant. It destroys a part of them. Weather that's understandable or not does not deflect the trauma or abuse being passed onto you.

It is definitely worth unpacking it all until you get to a place of peace with it.

I can understand my mums perspective but I cant forgive it. She could have made choices to have councilling or find peace but she mentally abused me my entire life. I'm not NC. It just is what it is now. It effects me greatly but it's in it place, processed and back in its box in my head now.

It's not ok OP. It's really not. Dont let people tell you it's normal or fine. Your parents, as parents needed to step up or stay quite. I wouldn't want to walk in my mums or your mums shoes but that does make anything ok. It's not a excuse and you do not need to just 'suck it up'

to you.
I wanted to recommend a book, The Body Keeps The Score, about how early trauma manifests later in life, you may find it useful.

Hi OP,

This all sounds so difficult. I'm so sorry.

I have some experience of a traumatised parent using me as a counsellor when I was a young teen. It affected me profoundly, even though she didn't even really notice she was doing it. Again, they were different times. Plus I've always been the kind of person that for some reason people tell all kinds of incredibly personal stuff to quite quickly, I'm not really sure why, but of course now that I am older I have much more resilience and better boundaries. But for a long time I was... a bit fucked up by what my mother had done like this, for want of a better way to put it.

Counselling/psychotherapy really helped me, three different lots of it as different things came to the surface over the years.

Also there is a PTSD treatment that uses rapid eye movement... I did a small amount of that in relation to another life trauma (unrelated, as an adult) and I was absolutely startled when I realised a few months later that the flashbacks had just... stopped. And how that had stopped me thinking daily about a certain event in my life.

Also I found a book called The Choice by Edith Egar very profound and moving about how we can move on from terrible things. It really put a lot of things in perspective for me, in a good way, not just a 'there are starving children in xyz country so count yourself lucky' way. It was good at considering that shit things do absolutely happen, but do we have a choice as to how they define us?

Really interested in 'the body keeps the score'.

@fallfallfall - I'm not judging her. The things I listed were things that were offered that she declined as my DF was against them. Thank god I've not had a stillborn baby so I have no 2020 standards to apply I only know what she told me about what it was like then.

@Disfordarkchocolate - thank you - yes I think that was the case.

Just to say while I think my DF was wrong not to support my mother in what she may have wanted - I believe he genuinely thought it was better to try to forget the existence of the stillbirth babies and me in order to move on.

@LuluBellaBlue - thank you for the validation
@milliefiori - I'm not sure she would want to do this but my DPs live in a different country so not really practical anyway.
@Legoandloldolls - I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult time growing up but it does help to hear your experience and how you've dealt with it.

@HRH2020 - thank you for that - I'll definitely have a look for the book.

@MCBerberLoop - thank you so much for explaining your experience and I'm sorry to hear about hpw difficult it was for you. Like your mother I really think she had no understanding as to why it was not appropriate to speak to me about those things at such a young age.

That's very interesting to hear about the rapid eye movement therapy and I'll definitely have a look for that book. I have done DBT and in that there is a concept called 'radical acceptance' and it is about stopping your sufferering around an issue by accepting it happened and you can't change it. You accept it and let it go but that doesn't mean you accept it was ok.

I think your parents were mentally abusive but nothing to do with you being in the hospital. It’s abusive for your mum to disclose everything she did and I would think this is where the true issue lies.

One of mine was in hospital for several months after birth. I also had a 2yo at home with no family around to help. Either DH or I had to work to keep the mortgage paid so he did it, was a job with long hours. We lived a few hours away from the hospital and 2yo was not allowed in picu. All in all extremely challenging and I saw my baby as much as I could in those circumstances but nowhere near the first time parents with no other kids at home who could sleep in a parents unit in the hospital for those with kids in picu or as much as people who had family support to mind siblings.

There were a few babies there whose family lived in the outback or remotely on farms. Most mums had several other children at home and were desperately needed by the kids at home, especially in those remote situations, and where she also had to help out on the farm. It was usual for them to fly in (remote, so flying several hours in to major city hospital was in was only option, would have taken several days to drive) and spend the weekend with their baby every 4-6 weeks. One of the babies had been there for 9 months at that point. Once they started growing older they had daily OT for development (within what was possible with their physical illness) which was play based. They also had ward volunteers who would spend some time reading to these babies.

Out of my kids (now older teens/adult) I probably have the best bond with this child to be honest. I didn’t try to force one to make up for the early days, it just happened naturally over time. They have never mentioned feeling abandoned or fucked up mentally in this regard and they are the most emotionally stable of the lot. To be honest I think their older sibling has been a lot more effected by it all including the intense care and time their sibling needed when we finally got them home.

@Hoppingpavlova - thank you for sharing your experience and glad to hear you bonded with your child. The circumstances you describe were not the case with my DP. Yes, my DF had to work but my DB had a nanny so it would have been possible for them to visit. I think it must be much harder if you've not seen your baby atall for 3 months.