Mother left baby in PICU

[UndertheCedartree]

I just wondered your opinion on this or any help with how to deal with it?

I was born 2 months early, very unwell and with a hole in my lung. Doctors told my parents that I wouldn't survive but were transfering me to the PICU in the nearest city quite a way from the town I was born. Both my parents chose to not come with me.

My mother had already had 2 still born babies - then she had my brother who was 11 months old when I was born and had a nanny as she had been in hospital for 3 months prior to my birth. My parents had not planned to have any more children after my brother but my mother accidently fell pregnant. My father didn't want to go to the PICU nor did he support my mother in going. He felt they should distance themselves to help them move on. My mother could not face watching her baby alone.

Happily I got better and was able to leave the PICU 3 months later and be cared for by my parents. I don't judge their decisions as it was obviously what they needed to cope. I wish my father had been able to support my mother. The early 'abandonment' has affected my mental health and I have nightmares about it.

I agree with fallfallfall about hospital visiting, although I don’t know about NICU. I had a colleague who moved to the Netherlands in the late 70s. Her small child needed an operation and I still remember her saying that they were not allowed to visit the hospital while the child was in there.

Might that help you a little more towards understanding how your parents could act as they did? Things were different then.

Sorry, hadn’t seen your latest message when I posted mine as it took me so long to write one without typos.

I see now why you think they could have visited.

I worked in that environment from 78-83. Visiting hours were enforced. For infection reasons, along with the routine of treatments and letting the babies rest. Having parents family visit was very unusual.
Yet it was common knowledge it affected bonding and that the treatments blood tests had long term mental health consequences (trust issues).

Robs29 That sounds so hard.

@MindyStClaire - I do think of it as not their fault but I think I do resent my DF for not supporting my DM more.

I could be wrong of course, but maybe your problems stem from the fact that your mother offloaded her mental trauma and distress onto you when you were a young child.

Her memories and experiences of your birth and care have become your memories.

As a young child you would not have been equipped to deal with her distress and so you have carried the burden into adulthood.

I would think it essential that you engage a good therapist to allow you to explore this and allow you to put an adult perspective on this trauma. I think you are still reliving your mother’s retelling of her traumatic experience.

@HelpIHaveNothingToWear - thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your difficult experience too.

I feel your hurt in your posts op
I think probably the difficulties you are having will be as a result of a combination of your parents going through a lot of pain when you were small, you not being with them for 3 months, and all that followed through your childhood, including your fathers abuse.
I was on the other side of your situation. My younger brother was very sick as a baby. My parents pretty much abandoned me whilst my mum moved into GOSH with my db and my dad stayed in a rented flat in London. I was left in a city 200 miles away with my grandparents.

@TakeDownTheTree - I don't really know anything about false memories. I will read up. I have been doing DBT to get skills to deal with my emotions and am waiting for trauma therapy.

@Robs20 - I am so sorry for your sad experience - thank you for sharing

How does your mum feel about it - does she ever talk about it to you now, and does she know how you feel? It must have been a terrible time for her, and I'm sure she wanted to be with you, but she was living with an abuser. Has she ever had counselling?

@ODFOx - I have never discussed it with my DM as I wouldn't want to upset her. Obviously she went through hell and I wouldn't want her to blame herself or feel I blame her. I don't blame her as I know she was coping the best way she could. She has spoken to me in a lot of detail about the stillbirth babies as well as my birth so I have some understanding of how traumatic it was but honestly I really don't know how I'd cope if something like that happend to my DC.

@fallfallfall - thanks for your thoughts. I have tiny scars all over my wrists and ankles from the blood tests.

@mantlepiece - you know I think you could be right. I have never looked at it that way before but yourself and other posters make me think this could be part of the problem. It was so normal to me for her to talk about it but actually think about it now it was a lot for a child tp take on.

I have a lot of similarities with your experience. I was an unplanned baby born very prematurely in the 70s, less than a year after my sibling (a much wanted baby after long term infertility.

I've read that babies who spent early weeks in incubators with lots of medical interventions tend to not have much of a bond, as could be expected, given that instead of being nurtured by their Mother, they are instead being intubated, injected and generally kept alive by medical staff. I think my parents spent what time they could in the hospital with me but TBH I don't think this helped in terms of bonding.

I've always been aware that I was born very close in age to my sibling, prematurely, was in hospital, they thought I was going to die etc. It's clearly a huge trauma and a story that parents (and other relatives) don't know not to pass on. As I grew older, I took it to mean that I was unwanted and my family wished I hadn't been born.

I've suffered from mental health problems throughout my life, mainly depression but also anxiety, stress and difficulty in relationships. I had major problems after having my own children. With my daughter I felt that she was me, and I was my mother, so whenever she cried it felt like it was me hurting. I had therapy after having my son, which helped a bit but I still struggle.

I don't have any relationship with my Mum now. I stopped talking to her for a while and realised how much happier I was without her in my life.

Sorry I don't have any answers for you but can identify with your pain.

@CuckooCuckooClock - yes that makes sense. I'm sorry to hear about your difficult experience - that must have been very hard on you.

This thread is really helping me to pick things apart. Thank you so much for all the responses.

I think my mum must have felt very torn especially as my DB was only 11 months old. He had been looked after a nanny while my DM was in hospital for 3 months prior to my birth. She told me how the nanny had brought him in to visit and he needed comforting and he put his arms out to the nanny rather than her. It broke her heart.

I’m so sorry you feel like this. My daughter was born early and ill.
I was a single parent when she was born, seeing her on a ventilator covered in wires and tubes, was incredibly traumatic. She was so tiny. I felt guilty and inadequate.
She was pure, innocent and I had already let her down.
It seems to me that your mum was struggling with her own issues, and seeing you was too painful, I think the blame here lies with your Dad, she needed support and reassurance.
I don’t know but I would imagine she blamed herself for your birth. That’s a very hard place to be.
for you, I hope you can come to some kind of acceptance over this.

@emberember - I'm so sorry for your ecperience. I similar to you have felt unwanted. My DP finally had their healthy baby and then I tore my DM away from him during the pregnancy and then put them through hell by almost dying when I was born. A lot of things about my childhood came to a head when I had my DC so I can undetstand what you are saying. I hope things have improved for you.

My baby was in hospital at a very young age .

I used to see other babies in hospital who were clearly seriously ill and the parents were not there .

One day I saw one of the parents come ... and you they only came for a short visit and they were absolutely distraught , sobbing and inconsolable.

At first I thought it was terrible that the parents were not staying with their baby for every second that they were in hospital ( like I was ) but when I saw that parent , who seemed to be supported by a grandparent , I realised that these things aren’t black and white .

In any case that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t affected you And maybe you and your parents could seek some sort of therapy or counselling together to work through the issues and feelings around this

Reading your posts make me think that being left in hospital as a baby is a red herring. The actual issue is the way in which you have been brought up by 2 very damaged parents trying to do what they thought was right and you having to deal with conversations that as a child you were not equipped to cope with. In today's terms your mum would have more than likely been diagnosed with PTSD and PND possibly your Dad as well. I would doubt in those days they would have received any help to deal with it and possibly everyone would have thought great the baby is ok now they've got nothing to be upset about and they were expected just to get on with it. My mum had PND until I was about 4 and as such struggled to bond with me but did her best.

@RickOShay - thank you for sharing - it must be a very traumatic experience and I'm sure my DM must have felt guilt as you describe.

We’re not talking 1950s here. In the 80s parents with very sick babies were routinely offered counselling.

op were your grandparents around? Any aunties or uncles?

I’ve worked in newborn maternal care for 30+ years and counselling was not ever mentioned. There was a huge stigma associated with needing such services.
Even if offered, not accepting help would be viewed as a sign of strength.

@CuckooCuckooClock - apparently my GPs who lived nearer the hospital visited every week.

@fallfallfall - I don't think my DM ever had counselling. I don't know if it was offered.

My DM did tell me that she never held the stillborn babies, didn't officially name them (although she did secretly) and didn't have funerals for them as my DF was so against it. She did regret, though.