Tw suicide/feeling suicidal. Do I tell my therapist?

[Alexandra80]

Do I tell my therapist that I'm seriously considering an attempt (that I expect to work, no cry for help stuff)? I'm 3 weeks into dbt. I waited a year for it so I'm glad it's finally happening. But due to it being a trauma anniversary and almost my 29th birthday (I find birthdays triggering) and just that time of the year I've fallen into another depression. I'm dissociating so bad that the world hasn't felt real for days. Things look wrong. I'm tired. No matter how much I sleep I'm just tired. I honestly feel like not telling anyone and just doing it because every time I reach out for help it's horrible. I get dismissed as an attention seeker or manipulator despite my history proving otherwise (im a "quiet" bpd & Ive been treated shit since my diagnosis).

I see her on Monday. Is there any point me telling her? Right now I feel resigned to the fact that this will either blow over or it'll keep snowballing and I will just kill myself, which would be awful for my small family I'd be leaving behind (kids and a husband). But I'm sick of putting them through my bullshit. And of putting on a happy face and pretending like I have this under control.

And before anyone says it, yes it's disgusting that I'm even considering it when I have kids but honestly I just want it all to stop one way or another. I think about it 24/7 this last few weeks. Why haul myself out yet another awful episode when here in th UK the crisis team are shit, you can't go to hospital if you're bpd unless you're already dead (we'll, they just hate admitting BPD's in case we get too attached to hospital) and no meds have ever worked for me.

I'm scared I'll tell her and because I told her it'll obviously look like I'm not serious anyway and she might be dismissive like the crisis team which would be even more triggering and last year that led to a serious attempt for me so I feel stuck. But there's a chance she wouldn't be like that I guess. I'm so torn.

I'm also scared about making this "real". It feels safer in my head. I don't want my husband to know because it's horrible to tell your spouse you feel suicidal.

I next see her tomorrow.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Please tell her yes. You've only just started the treatment so it's early days. You recognise what's going on so please talk to your therapist. It's not attention seeking to reach out and no one who knows you will think that. You deserve help so ask for it.

I agree. Definitely tell her.

I reached out last year and had the crisis team coming once a day but it was awful. They treated me like a silly little girl. And one woman said if I'd really meant to kill myself I'd have done it already and she couldn't stop me from doing it if I wanted to (so I did then try and was in the icu for a bit).

Why are mh services so shocking compared to physical health services

I can see why you would feel this way. The time of year is particularly isolating . DM me if you want to chat.

Yes. tell the therapist.

Yes, tell her, if you can show her your opening post I think you have clearly explained your thinking.
I really hope you get the help you need.

I agree the services are a bit of a lottery. Your experience before was awful though and I don't think it's always like that. If you need them that's exactly what they are there for.

Tell your therapist. How you are feeling will make absolute sense to her and she will have strategies to get you through this. This is exactly what DBT is for; when you feel like you want it the least, is really when you need it the most. I promise, you can get through this

Thanks for the replies. I've screen shotted my first posts in case I get the balls to show her. I don't think I can bring myself to say all that out loud.

I have lots of insight and coping mechanisms but it's just gotten out of control.

Tell her. And lots of love and sympathy - it’s not fair and it’s very sad. I really hope you get some help. And do you not think your husband would want to know? I understand why you don’t want to tell him, but I think he would want to help.

Last year I did some weird shit I really regret but I was practically delusional. I ran away. I took a huge overdose. I was sectioned in public. He was terrified that everytime I left his sight I'd kill myself. I don't want to put him through that worry again unless I absolutely have to. I think if I tell the therapist I'll tell him later.

Its very isolating. You are already isolated and it just runs round your head and makes you feel worse and worse. I detest this time of year. I feel out of step with everybody and everything. 2 weeks of enforced jolly times, all usual activities closed down.

No wonder we feel like shite.

I would suggest you tell your husband you feel rough. That way, ai least it is out of your mouth and you haven't terrified him

I would suggest you tell your husband you feel rough. That way, ai least it is out of your mouth and you haven't terrified him

Very true redsox sorry you relate. I'll try and suck it up today and say something. He knows I'm not great because I'm spaced out all the time and he keeps catching me looking miserable and asking what's wrong.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Right......mini plan....you have already achieved something by coming on here and opening up the conversation.

Second tell him you feel rough.

Third, write it down briefly to hand to therapist.

Fourth , try to find one tiny OK 5 or 10 minutes today.

OP, whether you speak to your therapist or not, you need to make an urgent appointment with your GP or contact your CPN, or both.
Are you currently on antidepressants? If not then you almost certainly should be, and if you are you need the dose increased or a change of medication.
The therapist is not a psychiatrist and can’t treat life threatening depressive relapses. They can certainly help you talk about your feelings and gain some relief from venting them in a supportive environment, but for treatment you need to see a doctor. I’m sorry you didn’t feel the crisis team were helpful last time, but you may well not see the same staff this time. And a prescription of antidepressant will still work however useless/unpleasant the prescriber!
Do go and see your GP, OP. You don’t need to struggle with this on your own.

babdoc in the last 14 years I've tried all the decent antidepressants and a handful of antipsychotics. I've tried propanalol too. Benzodiazapines help but obviously they're rarely given out. I've only had them in hospital as an inpatient. Medication just does not work for me unfortunately and I'm not that surprised because my "ishoos" all stem from trauma and the lasting impact from that. I tried cbt and that was too superficial. This therapy is the gold standard for treating bpd so I'm hoping it eventually helps. Thanks for the reply.

And thanks redsox thinking about it like that and just getting through today and to tomorrow's appointment is really helpful. And I guess that's true. I thought about posting loads over the last month but have been scared to in case I get flamed.

Don't be daft OP. If anybody is unkind about MH issues they are a complete loser in my opinion.

I in 4 will experience MH problems during their life time. We still have this crap idea about soldiering on . It's good you have your appointment tomorrow. Just write it down and pass it to the therapist. I think these feelings are completely normal.

Hi Alexandra,
Sorry to hear that you've been feeling so down. Glad that Redsox's suggestions are helping you and that you're reaching out has been beneficial to you so far.
If I understand it right, you say that your suffering is largely due to past trauma. I'm wondering if that has been the result of someone else's bad actions. If that's the case, would your own actions to get better ( tiny and big steps) be a way of " answering back" that ill-intentioned person ?

sortinghatton I suppose. And yes I developed bpd due to severe bullying, then a rape and then a high risk pregnancy and traumatic birth. And my family add on top of it by saying its just me and I could chose to be normal if I wanted to, I do it for attention etc.

The baby wasn't a product of rape BTW. Just realised how that sounds. I have 2 beautiful DS and they're the best thing about all this.

DBT is an intervention designed to support intensely suicidal people. Your DBT therapist is exactly the person to speak to. Just a thought, full programme DBT usually has a telephone skills consultation service available out of hours. Do you know if that is available to you, OP?