Do I tell my therapist that I'm seriously considering an attempt (that I expect to work, no cry for help stuff)? I'm 3 weeks into dbt. I waited a year for it so I'm glad it's finally happening. But due to it being a trauma anniversary and almost my 29th birthday (I find birthdays triggering) and just that time of the year I've fallen into another depression. I'm dissociating so bad that the world hasn't felt real for days. Things look wrong. I'm tired. No matter how much I sleep I'm just tired. I honestly feel like not telling anyone and just doing it because every time I reach out for help it's horrible. I get dismissed as an attention seeker or manipulator despite my history proving otherwise (im a "quiet" bpd & Ive been treated shit since my diagnosis).
I see her on Monday. Is there any point me telling her? Right now I feel resigned to the fact that this will either blow over or it'll keep snowballing and I will just kill myself, which would be awful for my small family I'd be leaving behind (kids and a husband). But I'm sick of putting them through my bullshit. And of putting on a happy face and pretending like I have this under control.
And before anyone says it, yes it's disgusting that I'm even considering it when I have kids but honestly I just want it all to stop one way or another. I think about it 24/7 this last few weeks. Why haul myself out yet another awful episode when here in th UK the crisis team are shit, you can't go to hospital if you're bpd unless you're already dead (we'll, they just hate admitting BPD's in case we get too attached to hospital) and no meds have ever worked for me.
I'm scared I'll tell her and because I told her it'll obviously look like I'm not serious anyway and she might be dismissive like the crisis team which would be even more triggering and last year that led to a serious attempt for me so I feel stuck. But there's a chance she wouldn't be like that I guess. I'm so torn.