Tw suicide/feeling suicidal. Do I tell my therapist?

[Alexandra80]

Do I tell my therapist that I'm seriously considering an attempt (that I expect to work, no cry for help stuff)? I'm 3 weeks into dbt. I waited a year for it so I'm glad it's finally happening. But due to it being a trauma anniversary and almost my 29th birthday (I find birthdays triggering) and just that time of the year I've fallen into another depression. I'm dissociating so bad that the world hasn't felt real for days. Things look wrong. I'm tired. No matter how much I sleep I'm just tired. I honestly feel like not telling anyone and just doing it because every time I reach out for help it's horrible. I get dismissed as an attention seeker or manipulator despite my history proving otherwise (im a "quiet" bpd & Ive been treated shit since my diagnosis).

I see her on Monday. Is there any point me telling her? Right now I feel resigned to the fact that this will either blow over or it'll keep snowballing and I will just kill myself, which would be awful for my small family I'd be leaving behind (kids and a husband). But I'm sick of putting them through my bullshit. And of putting on a happy face and pretending like I have this under control.

And before anyone says it, yes it's disgusting that I'm even considering it when I have kids but honestly I just want it all to stop one way or another. I think about it 24/7 this last few weeks. Why haul myself out yet another awful episode when here in th UK the crisis team are shit, you can't go to hospital if you're bpd unless you're already dead (we'll, they just hate admitting BPD's in case we get too attached to hospital) and no meds have ever worked for me.

I'm scared I'll tell her and because I told her it'll obviously look like I'm not serious anyway and she might be dismissive like the crisis team which would be even more triggering and last year that led to a serious attempt for me so I feel stuck. But there's a chance she wouldn't be like that I guess. I'm so torn.

I'm not sure. I know I can text her. If I call up this weekend it'll be crisis team because it's out of hours but in the week I can also call whoever is on duty too.

Sounds more like CPTSD than BPD with the specific traumas you have described...

Potentially so but they lumped me with the label 2 years ago when I had a bad episode.

I do fit a lot of the bpd criteria; I 'split' on people, black/white thinking, chronic emptiness and not having a solid personality (besides a few core traits and likes I change so often and have never felt sure of who I am and bend myself to fit other's likes subconsciously a lot). I also freak out about being abandoned but it's about friendships rather than relationships.

But I do get flashbacks and aversions and anniversaries are very hard.

I really dont agree with people (let's face it, predominantly women) being diagnosed with BPD in the midst of a MH crisis. Many people can present with BPD type symptoms when in crisis. Can I ask whether the bullying was primary or secondary school? Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Definitely tell your therapist, that's what they're there for.

It was secondary. I started self harming because of it aged 12 or so. Continued til I was 17 then we moved away as I had my first "breakdown" over it and I've stopped sh as much as I used to since then.

It does piss me off because I'm high functioning a lot of the time. It's just that it gets bad fast and when it's bad it's very bad. Has been the same way every time I've had a crash like this (so around 6 or 7 times, hospitalised for 5 of those times).

Sorry thats a lot of personal info but it does make me cross that they don't see what I'm like the rest of the time and assume I'm always this "dramatic".

Exactly, the making of assumptions is just so wrong. I also dont like the problem being located in someone's "personality" when the cause was clearly trauma at the hands of others. Bullying at secondary fits much more with CPTSD in my opinion. Bullying can be so unbelievably horrendous and traumatizing, particularly the relentless of it and how trapped people are with it. Diagnostic issues aside, I hope your therapy is helpful with your healing. The Jeffrey Young Reinventing your Life book might also be a helpful read. It's based on schema therapy ideas and can be a nice adjunct to DBT.

Thank you. I'll check it out. Thanks so much for the replies. I feel a little saner. And I'll definitely show my therapist the first post. I don't think I can explain it properly out loud otherwise!

Hello Alexandra,
Hope things go okay today. Thinking about you.

Thank you

I'm about to go in. God I'm so nervous I could puke.

Thinking of you. Just never forget how strong you are. Many people in your shoes wouldn't be as brave and keep going like you do.
You've got this. You did another day.
You can do tomorrow.
And the day after.
Good luck in your session today. I can't say I've been in your shoes but in my head I've been to dark places (also have DCs) and they are the only reason I didn't do anything permanent. There is ALWAYS a brighter day to look forward to. It won't always feel like a fight.

Thank you Whisky I guess that's true to an extent. I've fought this feeling off more times than I can count. I'm just tired of it y know. It used to scare the shit out of me and it still does but without the panic. It's a kind of resignation I guess. Hopefully this dbt will help me combat that and feel more in control. Its what I'm really hoping for anyway.

You have hope. And that's amazing. I know what the disassociation feels like and it's like being dead inside already. You're not insane. You're not lost. You're in a shit tornado right now but there's sunnier times. You're also not alone xxx

Alexandra80 I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I don't have much to add the good advice given here, but I had EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy) for my PTSD and it was transformative. Maybe something to mention to your therapist?

I really hope your appointment goes well today and that you get the help you need and deserve.

"God I'm so nervous I could puke."
And yet you showed up. Brave one !!
Well done ! Hope you're feeling a bit better now.

Thank you guys.

I told her. And she was great. We went over my crisis plan and discussed what helps and how I can handle it when I'm at home. And she got a crisis team member (female) to come and speak to me and come up with a plan. She did also say if I feel suicidal to the point of carrying it through that despite what they're supposed to tell us, going to a certain local A&E is better. So I'll do that of it gets any worse and it helps to know I've got all bases covered depending on where it goes from here. I do feel more positive for telling her and her reaction was kind and helpful which I haven't always had in the past from professionals so I guess it couldn't have gone better.

So glad you told your therapist OP I hope you continue to get the support you need in RL you matter 💐 xx

Oh. How lovely Alexandra ! It sounds as though you've got a good therapist there. Someone who cares too.

I'm so glad you told your therapist.

I am hearing you and holding your hand. I believe you, and how awful this is for you. I'm in the same boat. I was misdiagnosed with BPD nearly 10 years ago which was then reassessed as CPTSD and OCD. It hasn't made the mental health go away (it's currently it's worst since 2013) and I also have a little one. It's truly awful, and I feel I'd be better off dead sometimes. But I also know therapy in the past has helped immeasurably. I think I'm just one of those people who need it little and often. It could be you're the same, or it could be that DBT will be the ground breaking therapeutical input your need.

Either way, you're doing fantastically.

Well done xxx