i'm not coping with all the shit that's going on. been such a bitch to my poor boys today

[ernest]

in a nutshell, found out 5 months ago dh having 6 month affair with work colleague.

Mil (who I'm very close to) in intensive care following brain tumour removal 9 weeks ago, practically comatose and not 2nd inoperable tumour diagnosed.
WOrrying something's wrong with ds2 aged 6, dyspraxic or adhd or somethi. at best he's just REALLY difficult.

Dh accepted job in MIlan, I don't want to go. I'm so sick of moving.

i feeö so miserable all of the time, Dh away so much, now in UK visiting his mum. I'm doind really bad job of coping on my own, and in 2 months he's going away, I don't want to go to MIlan, will stay put but that meansbeing on my own with boys mon - fri and I've been such a bitch yesterday and today. i just can't cope with them moaning, fighting, refusing to eat the crap food I half heatedly rustle up.

Don't want to go to doc and have may card marked. Or take ad and then have to try and get off em again. I could do with abreak but don't have anywhere to go or any one to visit or go to. I feel so trapped. The only people I've got to talk to now is mumsnet and I'm sure even you lot must be getting sick of my moaning by now.

exp, hv,c&c, oj, vb, bree, everyone, I am sorry, I am grateful. i'll try harder tomorrow. must go to bed, already 20 past midnighht and i'm really going to try to be nice mummy tomorrow, thanks you all. night

You go and see a counsellor, ernest and you tell her/him what you've told us.

Because you are right. You are right about this and how you feel.

And you need to hear this from a professional in addition to working with one for some strategies to help YOU cope with this in a way that you feel good about.

Once you can work on this, things will improve with your boys.

But you need to start putting you first if you don't want to be swallowed up by anger you have every right to feel.

Thank you, OJ.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my past, unfortunately, to get to this point, but that would have been more unfortunate had I chosen not to learn from them.

Go to bed and STOP FUCKING APOLOGISING, ernest!

There is NO need to apologise to strangers who think you've gotten short shrift here, ernest.

You're feeling the guilt your husband should have felt for this, somewhere in you you know that, and that's what's making you even angrier.

The good news is that there's a way out of the cave, and even company for hte journey.

night night xx

If you're reading this tomorrow morning, don't think if it as evil mummy/nice mummy. Just be kind to yourself and hopefully the rest will follow..

Fistly ernest ? you are NOT being evil to your DC?s ? you are being human.
They will get over it.
Grown ups get angry too ? it?s how you make amends and accept it that makes the difference.
I have total confidence that you will see and deal with this ? you know it?s happening and you feel bad about it ? 99% there already.

Secondly, you have to see that it?s your DH that is the problem here ? not you in any way shape or form ? once you?ve got there you will come out of it?hard I know (honestly, I do) but once you accept this you will find your life will change so much so for the better.

(have never done this before and EP will never acknowledge me again) but don?t care - {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} I really do wish you well.

, ValnBen!

you have had ;ots of wise words from Valnben CC and expat in particular come back tomorrow with a clearer head and read again, feel free to ignore my ramblings i have been on the wine

Hey, I even seem to have bypassed the wrath of EP on the {{{{hugs}}}} front so something must be right here???????

Hope you have a good nights sleep (the balm to all ills) and start a new day afresh.

Keep talking ? we?re all here (most of the time ? from what I can seen from mostly LURKing).

As said before, I wish you well and will add I hope to help where ever I can.

Take care,

VB XX

how are you today Ernest?

unfortunately pretty bad tbh

Had bad night with repeated mossie attacks, so had to get up in early hors looking for nite cream and insect repellent, so feeling extra exhausted anyway. Then the boys all screaming at each other and fighting all mornig, so I lost it, chucked all in respective rooms. Had promised to take them to Badi today so I shoulted and cried and told them I couldn't cope and that I wouldn't take them. Dh phoned up and they were all talking loudly in background so I couldn't hear him, so he got stroppy with me so I lost my temer with him, bloody hell, it's not my fault that - shocker - 3 kids are noisy. Then I'm feeling stressed out, in 2 months he'll be away, is this wahat every phone cal's going to be like etc etc etc..

Had hoped for nice day and it's been totally shit so far, greatly affected by my misery and exhaustion, so don't bode well for rest of day. Just want to run away tbh.

Bet you're glad you asked now

how's dh?

Tbh I avoided answering you cos I felt so bad at the sit we're in with mil, I didn't think I should, but now you know, I am interested. I just didn't want you to be thinking of your dh with our sit, in mind

ernest - have you considered separating from your dh? if he has had an affair and its cutting you up, and you say you live as a single mum anyway- perhaps you will be happier on your own?
and if you feel you cannot trust him when he is away then maybe it is the only option for you really.

i am a single mum and its not as hard as everyone makes out, honest! i love it actually. you will be fine.

can't imagine being happy again tbh. obv. have considered separation. but for everything, I do love him and he does love me, I believe that much. But while he did wrong by having the affair, there was wrong on both sides of our relationship. I allowed myself to be treated like a doormat, without realising it. I threw myself into motherhood without a backward glance and took on everything, and allowed him to treat me 2nd class i suppose. I need to be more assertive with him. I need to find myself again, but I don't know how. i don't think splitting up will make me happy. the pain of the betrayal will still be there.

but i don't know how to get over it or to re train myself

sounds to me like you are still blaming yourself.
can you take the kids out today and do something fun?

said we'de go to Badi but lost it and said I wouldn't take them. don't know how to back down, or if i should, or if i have the energy to

Ernest, he's a c**t but you know that.
Getting cross with you because you are ALONE with HIS 3 boys and they're making a noise? Selfish fking bastard.

But anyway.

I think you might find it helpful to separate all these things, it might make it easier to deal with them. So:

• DH being a c*t, his affair
• Ds2,possbile dyspraxia
• The proposal to move to Milan
• Your needing time to yourself
• your needing help with the house/boys
• other stuff

Can you get any paid for help?

I don't think you should move

I think counselling re your h is a good idea. I think HE should go too

Because I think finding all these things together very very hard to deal with is normal tbh.

And moan all you like here, no-one minds in the slightest, we'd all like to help.

And re today, do WHATEVER it takes to get through it. So if that involves giving the boys chocolate for breakfast lunch and supper and using the TV/PS2/Other A LOT, then do it.

And tell them you love them but you are very tired and you will do Badi another day but instead they can

no one. but i'm going to try and pull myself together and take them to Badi as it's really hot and this might be our last chance for this year

sometimes it is good to back down. Thia is one of thoses times.
enjoy

i backed down, got my swim suit on, brought theirs up, armed with sun cream. asked them to come. they wouldn't come. instead had another scrap over ds1's birthday present, inc head lock. I lost it, again. yelled, chucked stuff, told them again I woudn't take them, screamed and they've gone in tears up to thir rooms. Again. I couldn't feel more shit. getting out of house is fucking impossible at best of times.

Oh ernest. Honestly I wish I could pull you out of yourself for a minute to give you a breather. You're allowed to be angry and sometimes unreasonable. You've been through a hell of a lot. A few months of cross mummy don't ruin a childhood or a child.

If DH wants you all to be together so badly then he needs to either forget Milan for now, or find a way that makes it work. He's the one making the situation not you.

Stop taking the blame on yourself. So you weren't very assertive and became a mother? how on earth does that mean his behaviour was acceptable? It wasn't, it isn't and he should be making amends not demands.

Your MIL situation sounds terrible, and I don't have a single word that will make it any better. I wish I did.

Forget the other woman. Its a waste of your energy to think about her. You prob won't track her down and being the good woman you are you'd feel huge guilt if you did. Put her in the box marked "irrelevant pond scum loser trash" and deal with things that WILL make you feel more in control.

sorry ernest, that sounds tough.
Can you all sit in the garden and play something inane?
curl up all together and do something?
Can't remember how old yours are but think one of your dss is same age as my dd, so nearly 4. agree re your dh making amends not demands.

ernest.
reading this thread, my heart pours out to you... please find a counsellor, someone to hear you, someone who can help you heal..

i just found a counsellor to work with, life is hard for all of us, but still life is so precious, a gift, so praying that we can find our way, not simply surviving, but shining... shining... shine on you crazy diamond..

go well xxx

Ernest,
Really this could be me writing your posts. My heart goes out to you.
My Dh didnt have an affair, but had a very intense "friendship" over the internet, then phone and then in person with another woman.
I too, am still so angry - found out in april. He is desperatly trying to make it all right, but i just cant get over it all.
I too, spend hours wondering how to wreck her life. So i completly understand where you are coming from.
Am so sorry to hear about your MIl
Annie