i'm not coping with all the shit that's going on. been such a bitch to my poor boys today

[ernest]

in a nutshell, found out 5 months ago dh having 6 month affair with work colleague.

Mil (who I'm very close to) in intensive care following brain tumour removal 9 weeks ago, practically comatose and not 2nd inoperable tumour diagnosed.
WOrrying something's wrong with ds2 aged 6, dyspraxic or adhd or somethi. at best he's just REALLY difficult.

Dh accepted job in MIlan, I don't want to go. I'm so sick of moving.

i feeö so miserable all of the time, Dh away so much, now in UK visiting his mum. I'm doind really bad job of coping on my own, and in 2 months he's going away, I don't want to go to MIlan, will stay put but that meansbeing on my own with boys mon - fri and I've been such a bitch yesterday and today. i just can't cope with them moaning, fighting, refusing to eat the crap food I half heatedly rustle up.

Don't want to go to doc and have may card marked. Or take ad and then have to try and get off em again. I could do with abreak but don't have anywhere to go or any one to visit or go to. I feel so trapped. The only people I've got to talk to now is mumsnet and I'm sure even you lot must be getting sick of my moaning by now.

CnC ? no worries ? I usually get VaInBen for some reason??.

OJ ? hello ? my goodness ? if anyone knows about problems it?s gotta be you!!!!!!!!!!!
I am absolutely in awe of your generosity ? in dealing with your own and others problems ? you are a truly inspirational person whom I aspire to become half of.

Ernest ? keep talking ? we are all here to help you with this.

I don't know how to get over it tho. I thought I'd come to a point where I was 'ok' then the post came with letter from hotelyesterday, & I knew immediately it was from one of 'their' hotels, and then that was my day knackered, full of anger and hatred of her, that I've never had the chance to confront her, imagining them all excited checking in. spent ages trawling the internet, online phone book etc again, trying to get a clue where she lives etc, fantasising about finding her dh and letting him know.... Whole day down the toiltet. and i should've snapped out of it and got on with day, but allowed myself to be over come with misery of his affair, he was ottally shcked and both left wondering how long this is going to last, if and when i'll ever come to terms with it. i wish ic ould but don't know how to

and then ther's the guilt of being so pissed off with him ( I know justifiybly) when he's travelling to london to visit unbelievalby poorly mil. sil weeping, thinking it'd^ve been etter if she'd died and not survived op only to be 'living' like this and he has his whole family truning to him, needing his support.

while he has behaved very badly, he also is under a huge amount of stran right now. To see your own mum basicaly paralysed, unable to talk, in itu for weeks and weeks, it's just terrible

I am totally shocked that he used his home address when checking to a hotel for a shag fest. How fucking arrogant is that....

IMO he appears to only dance to one tune, that is his tune.

He is a selfish, selfish man. If you move to Milan, I will kill you.

Much love

more i look, more like dyspraxia seems to fit him. poor sod. as for ds3.... swiss kids been teaching him to say 'fuck you' but obv with swiss accent, so I'm trying to get 5 mins peace reading outsde whe I hear reverberating round the play graound, my angelic-looking 3 year old shouting 'fak yoow' at full volume

'my day knackered, full of anger and hatred of her, that I've never had the chance to confront her, imagining them all excited checking in. spent ages trawling the internet, online phone book etc again, trying to get a clue where she lives etc, fantasising about finding her dh and letting him know.... Whole day down the toiltet. and i should've snapped out of it and got on with day, but allowed myself to be over come with misery of his affair, he was ottally shcked and both left wondering how long this is going to last, if and when i'll ever come to terms with it. i wish ic ould but don't know how to '

What?

At her? What about him?

And instead of trying to help you, he's nagging you about how long 'this' is going to last? It was only FIVE months ago you found out and he's putting pressure on you to 'come to terms with it' on top of going along with whatever plan comes into his head without even so much as discussing it with you beforehand much less his own kids?

So he's already 'come to terms' with showing complete disregard for his wife and kids and is shocked you haven't?

I'm going to go out on a limb here, ernest, because I've got daughters, and I wouldn't want to see them suffer the way you are now - you're someone's daughter, too, after all.

But I think you need a doctor. But not the kind you think.

The psychological kind. For some counselling.

To help you find out where you lost your self-esteem to the point that you are putting htis much pressure yourself to satisfy the needs of someone who continually shows no regard for yours or his kids'.

You can't love someone truly if you don't love yourself.

And right now, you need to make loving you your no. 1 priority, because from where I'm standing, it's at the bottom of the heap.

THANK YOU, BREE!

I wanted to say that, but I get accused of being harsh a lot, so I thought I'd take a leaf out of Dr. Phil's book.

Btw, Dr. Phil would be having a fucking field day with this man!

Crikey Ernest - my day would have been more than knackered if I'd have come across a letter like that

I think Expat's right - you're almost pressurising yourself to get over this whole thing too quickly and then feeling guilty for getting angry with your DH because MIL is ill.

Go a bit easier on yourself - you're bound to be angry and without wanting to sound too depressing, there'll be more than a few more days in the future when you'll spend pointless hours having fantasy conversations with the OW and torturing yourself over the sordid details.

Expect those instead of expecting yourself to just carry on as normal. Once you know it's coming, try to think of ways you could shorten the experience or lessen the pain for yourself. One of those ways is talking about it with DH - I think it's a must regardless of what he's going through with MIL.

Obviously, we've got YOUR best interests at heart rather than HIS so I don't want to come across as heartless - maybe get your feelings down on paper towards him - rant away to your heart's content and then show them to him at regular intervals when things are less emotionally fraught.

I do think that your DH needs to understand the depth of his responsibility towards you in giving you some reassurance. Part of me wants to kick his arse that he thinks going to Milan at a time like this will reassure you

sorry - couldn't help that last bit xx

i am not surprized you are angry with him, i would have kicked his sorry arse out long ago.
you really need to think about if you want to stay together and why.
he is showing you no respect, yes i understand things are very difficult for him with his mum but he just can't be allowed to treat you so badly

Ooooh - I see I crossed posts with other people saying "kick his arse"!

he claims it wasn't always him to book in, so hoping ow will start to get brochures through to her house too. bitch. saw from brochure that it was oo far from where we live to be a lunch time shag/after woork, so must've been at least 1 night away so i now learning of ficticious business trips, on top of the "team ski weekend" he went on. Obsessing about her getting sprung. really pisses me off that they have such a profound and dramatic affect on my life DAILY for the last 5 months, with no end in sight and she gets away, with nothing more than a broken heart, at least, as they were each prepared to dump thier kids for this 'great love' I assume she's at least a little heart broken

Been done and said an million times before but the honest truth of the best way to deal with a total sh*t of a DH is to live long and prosper?.
I?m in to my 2nd year of ?DHlesness? and I really can?t think of a better time.
I too lost days, weeks and months firstly trying to ?catch him out? played endless games of ?mind chess? ? constantly backed him in to a corner (check mate) so he HAD to tell the truth ? even if I wasn?t yet prepared to accept the truth (hence my earlier caution about accepting the answers before asking the questions etc), but now that the out is outed and I can get on and deal with the FACTS ? rather than my imaginary fictions ? I am so, so, so much happier ? and is my child (I do realise that one to deal with is so much different from 2, 3 or more), but the thing that goes with how ever many DC?s you have is the very old and over used cliché of ?happy mummy=happy kids?

Be strong and hopeful ? in what ever you decide.

He continues to show you AND HIS CHILDREN no respect. This is a pattern. Even worse, he doesn't even seem to realise that his actions are causing you all to suffer, or if he does, he doesn't care!

Go to Milan so he can be away on business most of the time and you and the boys unhappy.

Please go and see a counsellor.

You do not have a problem with anger management. He'd have been wearing his balls for earrings had he been married to me so I'll show you anger management issues.

You do have a problem with low self esteem.

Valnben i dunno about inspirational.
but i do know that this lady deserves some support.
i agree with the very wise expat.

Ernest - what difference would it make to you if she "got sprung"? I'm not being harsh, honest and I can understand that you feel a lot of anger towards her. I do think it's misplaced and not constructive for you.

Maybe subconsciously you feel you can't be angry with him, because he wants/needs you to move on because of MIL and the Milan thing?

expat you give such great advice.

spot on, cash.

i fail to see why he should be calling all the shots, he messed up, so he should be trying his hardest, he isn't.

And CnC does it yet again?? Closely followed by ExP......bah.....

"He'd have been wearing his balls for earrings had he been married to me"

ROFL but yes, I absolutely agree.

I do feel that if you're getting angry with the kids then it's something you need to find a way to cope with. That's not a criticism btw - just something I know I've had to deal with because my anger's somehow mis-directed itself towards either myself or DD when it's really other people who should have been bearing the brunt. Anger can be destructive in that sense because it makes you feel out of control.

But you have the right to be angry, especially with DH.

Exactly, OJ, instead he's continually putting pressure on her to 'move on' because obviously he has.

As for the other woman, she'll get what she has coming.

But cash is right, your anger is misplaced, and ValnBen is right as to why.

'It's a harsh truth, but that's mostly the way of things, even in the best of times.' - Charles Frazier, 'Cold Mountain'

It's not the cheating that would have made me so angry, Cash, more so that this man doesn't seem to care enough to see how painful it was for his family OR to want to help or put the extra effort in to prove he's worthy of sticking around for to work it out.

Instead he's pulling hte passive agressive bullshit of being 'shocked' that she's not over it and making her feel like she is the one with the problem.

And you know, that's just shit.

i guess you've brought it round to wher I started but you've clarified it, thankls c&c. I'm angry about all these thigns out of my control and am taking it out on my boys, tho i don't want to or mean to at all, and they are the most iportant thiing to me right now, so as I can't ersae dh affair, can't change milan, can't heal mil, can' fix ds2, can't overnight grow an army of friends and suppotive family, wtf do I do about my anger and my poor lovely boys? 2 days in a row they've had to put up with me being evil

expat can you be my stalker type person as you give such sound and sensible advice.

You're not evil my lovely - you're just at your wits end. I know it's another cliche but kids are very resilient and I doubt they even noticed. They were probably behaving badly anyway (first week back at school is a shocker, I understand from mates with kids of school-age) so no doubt they linked any shouting with their own naughtiness!

New day, new start

You must continue to use and abuse MN for all your rants - it's very therapeutic y'know

sounds like you are suffering responsibily fatigue. but you are not responsible for all this stuff. you have things going off which are not your fault and mostly out of your control,