i'm not coping with all the shit that's going on. been such a bitch to my poor boys today

[ernest]

in a nutshell, found out 5 months ago dh having 6 month affair with work colleague.

Mil (who I'm very close to) in intensive care following brain tumour removal 9 weeks ago, practically comatose and not 2nd inoperable tumour diagnosed.
WOrrying something's wrong with ds2 aged 6, dyspraxic or adhd or somethi. at best he's just REALLY difficult.

Dh accepted job in MIlan, I don't want to go. I'm so sick of moving.

i feeö so miserable all of the time, Dh away so much, now in UK visiting his mum. I'm doind really bad job of coping on my own, and in 2 months he's going away, I don't want to go to MIlan, will stay put but that meansbeing on my own with boys mon - fri and I've been such a bitch yesterday and today. i just can't cope with them moaning, fighting, refusing to eat the crap food I half heatedly rustle up.

Don't want to go to doc and have may card marked. Or take ad and then have to try and get off em again. I could do with abreak but don't have anywhere to go or any one to visit or go to. I feel so trapped. The only people I've got to talk to now is mumsnet and I'm sure even you lot must be getting sick of my moaning by now.

Oh Ernest . You really are not the only one who's going through this and then feeling awful when your boys are pushing all the right buttons to make you feel lousy. I'm in the same boat as you, found out DH had an affair on arrival in foreign country with new colleague. We're now separated and I'm on my own with the boys all the time. He's travelling alot and not good at planning time to have the boys.

I truly know how you feel. I honestly don't feel that you should go to Milan and once you're happy the boys will settle more too. They're great at picking up vibes from us.

Look after yourself and I'm always around to chat to at strange times due to living in the USA. .

Oh Ernest - not sick of you at all my love

You've just started a new job right? Give yourself a break - you're not superwoman!

Feet up, glass of wine and start thinking about how you can get some help in to take the pressure off you when DH is in Milan.

You've got a lot going on that you can't control - MIL's illness, DH's job - all these things might seem worse because you've got no say. Try to focus on what you can control - can you not get a mother's help or similar to give you a hand with the boys?

Sorry if I'm being dumb and useless! just saw your post and wanted to let you know I was thinking of you xx

thanks so much I am just not coping at the mo. the house is a total pig sty as I've gone a whole week doing no housework. i'd had a bried spell of getting my head around the affair, but it's all come back, I think about it every day. I get reminded, i go into a sports shop, see skis and feel a stab of anger remembering them lying and going off on a ski weekend together. I open the post and find a reminder froma hotel they stayed in, I famtasise about tracking her down and slapping her, or finding her dh and letting him know as I'm sure he doesn't. I feel they've wrecked my life and am consumed with hatred that she gets off scot free.

ANd he's going off in just 2 months, and I'm going to suddenly be a 'single mum' with him away all week, wondering who he's with, what he's doing, if he's going to cheat on me again.

I am just losing my temper all the time with the boys. I'm so worried about ds2 but my behaviour is making him worse. I just wish I could have a week alone by myslef but i know it'll never happen, and i wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

i'm so sorry

Oh, wise words from CnC ? deal with what you can cope with ? leave alone the things out of your control.

You will (like most of the LP?s amongst us) realise that coping with DC?s without the added pressure of the ?DH? is far easier than you could have anticipated.
Take the time you have now (before you HAVE to decide on the move to Milan) to see how you can deal with the kids on your own and take it from there?..Hugs and wine all round.

ernest, for your mental peace of mind oyu need to clarify things with your husband and what he wants for his family, and you.

i feel if oyu can logically get thato utof him then you ll be more calm with your boys,
its the stress indirectly affecting your time with them
school starts soon - you ll have some time for yourself and use it.

dont let the crap build up. its you who is suffering. hth

Sorry for what darling? You've nothing to apologise for. You've been through the mill and it's manifesting itself in your daily life, that's all.

Maybe it might help to break down the problems into individual ones to make them easier to manage, the most important one being how you will cope with the kids on your own during the week. I don't see why you shouldn't have a week off btw - or at least a day off. I know what it's like not having any family/friends around who could give you that time but then, I only have one not three so you're a saint as far as I'm concerned!

I do find that when I'm more frustrated about problems with DH, I lose my rag much more easily with DD. It's a terrible confession to make but entirely true for me. You shouldn't beat yourself up for still having trouble over the affair but maybe try to compartmentalise it while you're with the boys. Having those ranting sessions on MN - allow yourself a set time every day - then take a deep breath and try to pretend the problem doesn't exist while you're with the boys.

What's the problem with DS2? Is it behavioural or medical? Sorry, I've missed a lot because I haven't been on MN much lately...

boys started school this week. was good for them to go back. and me. give me some sort of structure. ds3 goes to a neighbor 3 mornings, so I only have them now 3 / 4 pm pew week.

dh wants us to go with him to milan. i don't want to go. he says he wants us to be together.

ernest if he says he wants you to be together , the tell what it REALLY means for you from him.
and how will he help you in going to milan if u go.

ds2, breaks my heart, i'm so sad and worried about him and the way i've been carrying on def making him worse last couple of days, posted this last year, and this couple days ago

Really ernest ? I think now is the time you have to think about what YOU want to do??.
I tend to live by a simple rule and it hasn?t done me harm thus far: that is ? if I have to ask if I want to do then by the simple act of asking, I have my answer?no, I don?t??..I have everything I could ask for and don?t regret a single moment of my life.(even the ?bad? times ? I may wish had been different, but they made me the person I am today and I?m happy with said person)
And that IMO counts for a lot!!

Ernest, from your other posts, I think you'd be making a big mistake by going to Milan.

A good father sets an example by how he treats his childrens' mother, FWIW.

Have you set a time limit on how long he will be in Milan for before you have to make a decision as to whether or not you will move?

I lurked on your thread about that - I have to say that I agree 100% with you and all the other posters that you and the boys aren't ready to be uprooted just because your DH has found a new job. It's all very well saying that he wants you to "be together" but there are five people who will be affected by that decision to move and it sounds like four of them would rather stay put!

I know you worry about what he'll get up to and that's understandable. At the end of the day, you have to find a way to leave him to it. If he decides to be a twat again, he must realise that will be the end of the road for you so he would be foolish to try IMO. Anyway, if they're going to muck around, they can do that in the same town just as much as thousands of miles away.

It's not about trusting him because obviously you can't and won't, I hope. It's about realising that focussing on "will he, won't he" will not actually make any difference to your marriage per se. It'll only drive you crazy - you need to put on the fake "Ernest is confident about herself" face with him. The longer you fake it, the more real it will feel IME!

You need to focus on you and what you need - you've done brilliantly recently, got yourself a job after eight years out, no mean feat! You're doing a good job with the boys no matter how crap you feel. Is there any way you could get a cleaner so the mess is dealt with - that's a quick fix solution which is the highest of my priorities at the moment!

ernest would your sons behaviour be anything to do with lack of contact or not enough with his dad, or maybe your relationship?
perhaps you need to get your husband to take him off your hands for a day at least, i dont your situation at all so maybe that too much to expect.
but before you run away with all sorts, talk to yur husnad and discuss, kids pick it up so easily, they know.

Just read your earlier thread about DS2 ? if he does indeed have the issues as you describe ? a) the school should soon pick up on this and confirm your suspicions and help should be available ? if they don?t see any probs, then he is just a normal DS2 year old and he will adapt ? you can relax.
b) worst case ? your suspicions are realised but you will get help ? and half the battle will be won ? the biggest battle being your own thoughts on what may or may not be a problem with DS2. Once you have a firm DX, you have something to deal with other than your own thoughts IYSWIM?..

As for your DH, well, what ever you decide, it has to be your decision ? he?s already had his (and more) IMO.

Just read your recent threads about DS2 It's no wonder you're beside yourself with worry with this on top of anything else

FWIW - and I'm afraid I have little experience with special needs - I don't think you're over-reacting and think it would be a good idea to see the doc and get a diagnosis. Go as soon as possible because it seems that these things take a while with testing and stuff to get a true idea of what the problem is.

I doubt very much it has anything to do with any emotional turmoil you might feel he's been exposed to. The things you describe sound like long-term behavioural problems which would benefit from a medical eye.

It might be something as simple as cutting things out of his diet to see if it has a positive effect but again, this is something you can get help with so definitely a problem to "attack" rather than a problem over which you have no control.

I have a feeling I'm blethering on now but truly Ernest - I think you're underestimating just how much pressure you're under and from how many different sources. Is there no way you could get even a few hours to do something for yourself? xx

Worry is the biggest philander of time?you can?t waste time worrying about things unknown ? get your answers and you will most probably find they are not so bad after all.

I know. the logical side of me know worrying achieves nothing, letting the house go to pot brings me down, going to bed late leaves me over tired. it's all logical, but i feel out of control, illogical and plain bloody crap shitty and miserable atm. angry with y neighbour, angry with ow, angry with my beloved boys

Ernest, I am so sorry you are going through so much. I can't be of any help with the rest of the it, but I have a DD with dyspraxia & havejust read through your threads on DS2 - I do think that you are right in seeing the doctor and pushing for assessment.

The anger thing is something I can really relate to - sometimes I feel so bloody angry that I think my forehead is going to explode (like tonight, but that's a whole other story!).

I think the anger comes from helplessness - like you're just the victim of everything and it all just "happens" to you. I don't have the answer I'm afraid - just take it one day at a time and if necessary, one hour at a time.

Lots of deep breaths and counting to ten mentally and plan treats for yourself where necessary - even if it's just a bar of chocolate and your favourite TV programme

Ernest ? I would hazard to say that the only person you are really angry with is your DH. Totally acceptable and normal ? but you need to channel your anger in that direction. I know that this would mean that before you do this you have to accept the consequences, but in all honesty, I do think you?re more than half way on that front ? otherwise you would not doubt the Milan move IMO.

Logical/Smogical - go with what you can deal with - I'm sure I'm right in saying everyone here will help where ever it is needed.

Once again, CnC said it better than I could?.

Wise post, ValnBen.

ernest, I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself to 'get over it' too quickly and that's making you very, very unhappy.

LOL ValBev - I was just thinking that you were saying it much better and more succintly than me

Ernest - just noticed that you started this in the "Feeling Depressed" section. Have you actually approached the doc yourself about how you feel? Forgive me if you've already posted about this before - I was on ADs myself for a while and they did really help with the anger problem then. I do wonder whether or not I should go back on them sometimes but am struggling along using other techniques (like counting to a million!)...

you do have a lot to deal with at the moment so i am not surprized you feel you are not coping, when i get like that i have to just deal with things one at a time, be kind to yourself and only do what has to be done.
trying asking on the SN bit for help/info for dealing with DS.

Sorry - ValnBen