Im really struggling

[wombatsandaplant]

I’m really struggling. I had a very recent suicide attempt. And I’m still kind of reeling from that.

But I’m just struggling with everything else. I don’t have kids so I don’t have to worry about that. I’m living off pre made sandwiches. I’ve got weekly input from my psychiatrist at the moment and see my cpn every two to three weeks. I just feel very lost all the time. I just lie in bed all day. I hear voices and see things, and I’m told I’m delusional too. I’m struggling with the government watching all the time. It’s too much, I hate being watched. Im also suicidal but that’s because my Antipsychotic meds were lowered slightly but we’ve put them back up now. So hopefully the suicidal ness will lower soon. I just wish I could have a break from feeling so bad. I had an okay two months but everything bad has come back again. I don’t even know why I’m posting this but anyways.

Yeah I have people who could phone if I really need someone to phone. As much as I feel like I need someone to phone, most of the time I’d much rather just be in bed alone rather than talking to someone. That’s what it’s like now.

I know that feeling. There were times when I felt I couldn’t speak at all. I couldn’t manage a shower or to put clothes on.
It’s shit.
I am so much better now. I wish the same for you.

Thank you.

Fuck I feel rough, all I want to do is sleep or kill myself, nothing else. I hate this. I just wish I could be successful at killing myself, but I never am I and I’ve had a lot of attempts. I don’t think I’m going to do anything, I’m too exhausted for that. I just don’t feel well, just so ill feeling.

At least I’ve got the psychiatrist tomorrow but that means I’ve got to get dressed and go out. Sigh.

What can you do to fill the time until tomorrow? Are you able to sleep?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I slept for two hours. I feel more awake now. It shouldn’t stop me sleeping tonight either.

The dog is getting castrated tomorrow so I’ve got to be up early but I can go back to sleep once I’ve dropped him off. So I can keep myself occupied until the appointment with the psychiatrist.

One thing that keeps my mind occupied when I’m feeling so bad is reading. It is one of the only things that distracts my thoughts when they take a turn for the worse. Plus you don’t have to leave bed to read if you are having a bad day!
Your dog sounds so lovely by the way! Wish I had a pet, they make such great companions.

Glad you can manage to read, unfortunately I don’t have the concentration or motivation to read. Thank you though.

I couldn’t even manage to watch TV when I felt bad. Reading was definitely out.
Do you need to take up the water for the dog and remember not to feed breakfast? (For the dog. Not you!!)

They said he can have water just no food after 8pm, he last got fed at 5, so he’s fine.

I’m so glad it’s nearly bedtime, I’ve had enough today.

Sleep tight OP. Good luck tomorrow.

Thinking of you & your dog.

Thanks.

Dog is fine. He’s a bit quiet but apart from that he’s good. We tried the body suit thing but he just kept trying to chew it where the wound is, so he’s got the cone of shame.

I’m exhausted, so much people and stuff I’ve done today.

I managed to shower, first time in like two weeks. Go me.

A shower! Well done!

Glad to hear things went well and your dog is fine.

You are doing well - eating, showering. chatting on here, enjoying your dog, all while fighting off suicidal ideation. That's pretty impressive.

Have you tried any supplements? Things like L-Tyrosine, L-DPL, B-complex vitamins. They just might give your brain someof the amino acids it needs to ease off the most negative thoughts.

While you are in bed, can you watch you Tube videos or Ted talks? I bet there are some good videos on Iceland and USA. Or some 'teach your dog an easy trick' videos. There's also some lovely videos of bed yoga for people who have chronic fatigue. Could be really helpful if the anti psychotic medication is making you shattered.

I’m so glad your dog is home. And it’s brilliant that you showered. Be kind to yourself. It’s been a lot to deal with today.

Second day in a row I cant bloody sleep. Usually i sleep so well. I hate it so much.

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP

Managed to get to sleep about 5am. Weirdly I feel almost okay today.

Okay is good!! Hope your appointment went well.

The voices just get worse over the day, especially when I’m tired. There’s so many of them and they’re all talking over each other. The ones that I can tell what they’re saying are telling me to kill my self and to stop taking my meds. I’m so tired of them. Even when the meds were working better they never completely went.

What did the psychiatrist say?

He said to continue on the upped dose for two more weeks (when I see him next) and then if there’s still voices and stuff he’ll consider upping the dose further, but I don’t think it can go up by much further. He also thinks I’m over the worst from this episode as the delusional thoughts are going down, the voices always persist longer for me.

Hopefully over the next couple weeks I’ll improve, the voices are just stressing me out. I bought some headphones so I can listen to music when I go out, I think I might try and walk cone dog tomorrow. He is so funny with the cone on.