Im really struggling

[wombatsandaplant]

I’m really struggling. I had a very recent suicide attempt. And I’m still kind of reeling from that.

But I’m just struggling with everything else. I don’t have kids so I don’t have to worry about that. I’m living off pre made sandwiches. I’ve got weekly input from my psychiatrist at the moment and see my cpn every two to three weeks. I just feel very lost all the time. I just lie in bed all day. I hear voices and see things, and I’m told I’m delusional too. I’m struggling with the government watching all the time. It’s too much, I hate being watched. Im also suicidal but that’s because my Antipsychotic meds were lowered slightly but we’ve put them back up now. So hopefully the suicidal ness will lower soon. I just wish I could have a break from feeling so bad. I had an okay two months but everything bad has come back again. I don’t even know why I’m posting this but anyways.

Your nan is not being super kind to nag you over FaceTime about what you are eating right now, but I would imagine its bc she cares a lot. I think its hard to understand just how impossible simple things (like eating anything other than sandwiches) can become.

Support is what we are here for

Sorry to hear about the meds hassle with the prescription, can relate though. Can your CPN and psychiatrist support you in sorting it out?

Not much dog chat to add as I am looking to get one myself but have not yet, one of the reasons I am a bit wary is bc I would need a plan A, B and C backup plans in case I got too unwell to care for them.

Hang in there, keep posting if you need to

Thank you.

I’ve managed to sort the meds out, easier than I thought it would be, so yay.

That’s great.

Well done getting your meds sorted!
Your dog sounds lovely.

Thanks guys.

Currently planning a holiday, just doing a little bit each day. Going to Iceland in February and doing a road trip around California, Arizona, Utah, Nevada, Idaho, Wyoming and Oregon In September. So booking up the setmepber trip as the Iceland is all booked. Bit overwhelmed but I’m looking forward to them. Going with my dad. Hopefully by then the meds will have levelled me out nicely. I’m starting to feel a little bit more relaxed and less anxious today too. Yay for progress.

I think I did too much today, I feel really rough and anxious and the voices are much worse.

Perhaps you should start small. It’s a big jump from not being able to walk the dog to the trip you’re planning. Maybe one small thing you can do each day to feel better?

Yeah I know, it’s odd to be planning such a big trip when I feel so ill. It’s just if we don’t book now then there’ll be no accommodation left in some places. I’m being optimistic. I have travel insurance anyway just in case. But I can be ever hopeful, plus it gives me something to concentrate on. I’m going to restart swimming soon as that always makes me feel better. That’s small and I can build up from there.

That’s a good start. But is there one tiny thing you could do tomorrow?

I could take the dog round the block as he won’t have his dog walker. I think I can manage that. It takes 5 minutes, I can do that I think,

Even not quite round the block is great. Tiny steps. You might both enjoy that!

Didn’t manage to go round the block but I did manage Tesco on a Saturday twice lol. Go me. I feel real rough now though.

I stupidly read a thread on another forum about someone trying to kill them selves, and it’s majorly triggered me. I know things like that trigger me but it doesn’t stop me reading them does it. All I can think, is that I need to try harder. But I’m really looking forward to this holiday right now, so I can’t, I won’t. I feel like as much as I want to, I don’t feel so much like I need to right now, I feel like I can manage the thoughts at the moment.

That’s great. Both that you got out. And that you can manage the thoughts. Have you a plan in place in case you need support for that though?

Well done getting out!
It might be better for you to watch silly cat or dog videos, or other light entertainment.
Do you usually feel a bit better in the early part of the day?

I always feel a bit better in the second hour I’m awake after that it’s just downhill. The evening and night is always the worst part.

Okay I thought I could manage the thoughts but cannot. Sat at the beach for 45 minutes debating whether to go in or not. I texted the shout helpline and eventually reluctantly came home. Fuuuuuuuuck. Got the psychiatrist on Tuesday so I need to discuss this with him.

@wombatsandaplant just checking in to say hello and am still thinking about you. Hope your evening has been a good one 🌺🌺🌺

If you need help before Tuesday what’s the plan? Who can you call? How can you distract yourself?

My current support plan is to 111 or a suicide helpline. They took me off the 24/7 access number because the past two months I was doing reasonably okay. I feel like I need more support. My team have said they dont want me in hospital because it'll make me worse rather than better (I cant cope with people around me). So I just dont know what to do. I just need more support, but i dont know what that would be. I feel like im just being left to my own devices, which i dont like.

I slept for 14 hours today. I still feel really suicidal and rough though.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so rubbish OP. Unless you’ve been there you can’t begin to understand how awful it is. Could they put you back on 24/7 access number? When you have the appointment on Tuesday could you ask what they suggest?

Im going to ask, I wouldn’t phone it anyway but it’s more of a just in case. It’s nice to have a backup in case I need someone to phone it for me.

I really just don’t want to be here. I feel so ill.

Have you had something to eat & drink today?

Hope you’re doing ok today OP. It’s hard when depression and anxiety get a hold of you. But you have lots to look forward to so that’s all positive. As are your visits to Tesco etc. You did well to manage twice. No wonder you’re tired. But exercise is good for us to get the blood and lymph moving in our systems.
PS don’t worry about “the government watching” you. Who cares about them. It’s just CCTV. I like it as I feel it keeps me safe knowing people are watching it looking for thieves or whatever who need locked up. It’s not a problem to us law abiding people. I don’t care what info they have on me. Worst they’ll get of me is pulling my pants out of my butt!

Cake - Yeah I’ve had stuff to eat, I always eat lol.

Elieza- thank you.

Have you someone who could phone for you OP? Always good to have a plan. If you’ve slept so much today how will you get on tonight?