Only thing keeping me here is my kids and I even think they would be better off without me

[Confused202020]

I feel so so low, I just want to be out of this, I didn't ask to be here. The only thing stopping me is my 8 year olds face when he found out and I couldnt ruin his Xmas. My auntie killed herself by gassing herself l, most peaceful way apparently. And I thought she was such a horrible person, she left 3 kids under 5, but now I feel I understand her, she wasn't a horrible person at all I just don't want this anymore. Seeing a mental health person next week, think I have ocd, tourettes (already know that) asd (undoubtable all my kids have it too, from stupid me. Passed on to them) and also bipolar but who knows till I see a pysch. My 13 year old is self harming and hears voices, a few moths agoy 17 year old experienced delusions etc and my 8 year old is currently having an asd assesment. It's too much. I've done this to all of them.

I have nothing to say, but to let you know it's really not your fault. the world really would be a duller place without you.

You haven't. You have brought them up and loved them whilst facing and handling all of this.
Is anyone (adult) with you?
Can you call Samaritans or a local mental health crisis team?
I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do, that must be so hard. Well done for posting on here

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

They are around night or day to talk, Share the load your not alone. We're here also to listen.

Your children would be devastated to loose you don't underestimate your importance. Please give them a call or talk to a friend or your doctor.

OP I vividly remember 6 years ago feeling and believing that my 3 kids and DH would be better off without me. They could all move on I thought, without me dragging them down. If I could’ve just disappeared in a puff of smoke I would have done. I’m still here and on an even keel thanks to going to my GP.
Wishing you well so much

I’ve been diagnosed with OCD and it’s possible that I have Tourette’s too.

I’ve been through some tough times where I could see no way out, but things did somehow get better. Please hang on in there and let the mental health team help you . Until then, just take each day at a time and make a conscious effort to take care of yourself. This isn’t your fault.

I am trying, I just feel like I have failed all of them. It's a horrible feeling, it's possible I just have tourettes ocd and asd and not the bipolar, that might just be my intrusive thoughts saying that. Doctor put me on citalopram 2 week ago and I swear it's made me feel worse, I've had panic attacks when I didn't before and feel so down! But apparently this will pass. If I didn't have a small child I wouldn't be here I can guarantee it. It's the anniversary of my dad's death today which is probably making it worse.

It's been a horrible year!

My dad had pyschosis so it is all from me that I've passed to the kids

So sorry to hear things are shit right now

cattenburg how did your ocd manifest?

Oh darling please please don't think your kids will be better off without you. It's your illness talking. None of it is your fault. I can't begin to know what it's like but please stay, you are loved and you are needed.

It's my fault indirectly though isn't it, they didn't ask to be born, that's what my 13 year old keeps saying, and it's true he didn't!

I'm certain someone else could deal with this better, adult safegaurding referred it to childrens services but they said didn't meet threshold so I dont know where to go. Nowhere

It must be really hard to hear your 13 year old say that.

When you say you have nowhere to go, do you mean with regard to your 13 yo?

I mean in regards to anything

I can understand what you mean and sometimes think the same thing.

When I’m at that point I have to remind myself that my DS will only ever have one mum in his life and even I don’t have the right to take that away from him.
I think the other thing that makes it even more clear is that if I am feeling like this all I would be doing is not ending the pain for me but passing it on to my DS.
You end up just moving it to another person.

Please do contact Samaritans or talk to someone

This doesn't meet children's services threshold so am on my own
Which I understand.
Was only a few moths ago with one child delusional etc. Feels never ending, now just feels like younger DS will be the same tool and I'm obvs not doing a good enough job but bet someone else could

So sorry that you are feeling so down OP. I hope you can get some real life help soon. Don’t hesitate to go to A and E or to call 999 if you need to.

Im NOT medically trained and I don’t have any experience but I think that citalopram can make you feel worse when you start taking it? If you look on the NHS website HERE IS A LINK it says “Some people who take citalopram for panic attacks find their anxiety gets worse during the first few weeks of treatment”. I don’t know if this might apply to you or not.
Perhaps you could speak to a Doctor or someone who know what they are talking about about it.

I really, really, really you feel a bit better soon. I’m sorry you are going through this. 💐

Ye that's the only thinf stopping me my 8 year old, not sure the 13 year old and 17 year old would care ugh. Earlier this year my 17 year old got Involved with naxi stuff, and was delusional , it's like it's never ending

sourandsnippy Well I never felt this bad before taking citalopram but doc told me to persevere. So I will. I'm only on 10 mg will be being increased on Monday. I dont think it's the drug just by head lol

This. They love you no matter what.

I feel useless with everything

You sound like you’ve come through some very tough times, you’ll get through this tough time too, it must be tiring staying so strong for everyone. Please don’t end it. You’re so important.

I can gauratee if anyone else tool overr they would do a better job, so what is the point. I actually feel like if social services took them away then that would be a good idea. But they won't unfortunately. Better for them tho

I know I'm important to my 8 year old and he's so much younger mentally than his age, he's lovely, he really is, but long term what would be the outcome, because track record with the other 2 not great is it. I just want them to be happy and do well