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Original poster

Only thing keeping me here is my kids and I even think they would be better off without me

55 replies

Confused202020 · 07/12/2019 23:38

I feel so so low, I just want to be out of this, I didn't ask to be here. The only thing stopping me is my 8 year olds face when he found out and I couldnt ruin his Xmas. My auntie killed herself by gassing herself l, most peaceful way apparently. And I thought she was such a horrible person, she left 3 kids under 5, but now I feel I understand her, she wasn't a horrible person at all I just don't want this anymore. Seeing a mental health person next week, think I have ocd, tourettes (already know that) asd (undoubtable all my kids have it too, from stupid me. Passed on to them) and also bipolar but who knows till I see a pysch. My 13 year old is self harming and hears voices, a few moths agoy 17 year old experienced delusions etc and my 8 year old is currently having an asd assesment. It's too much. I've done this to all of them.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/12/2019 01:25

They choose you OP. They’d always choose you. They don’t want the fictional better place. They want to be with you, because they love you.

Flowers
Cattenberg · 08/12/2019 01:27

cattenburg how did your ocd manifest?

I was about 12 or 13 and I think it started with excess hand washing due to fear of passing germs on, checking light switches because I was afraid of leaving them on, and oddest of all, checking the towels in the bathroom were hung level. But it has taken many forms since then.

If you’re dealing with the anniversary of your Dad’s death, then I’m not surprised you feel awful today. But you won’t always feel this bad, and neither will your 13-year-old.

Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 01:28

They dont know what's best for them! My 8 year old just wants me because I'm all he's got

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AnneTwackie · 08/12/2019 01:31

They will definitely do better and be happier with you here. If social services won’t take your kids it’s because they think they’re better off with you. You’ve been dealt a tough hand and that’s not your fault. You haven’t made them have these difficulties. You don’t want your kids in care. You don’t want to end it. Do you think you can go to sleep and talk to someone about it tomorrow. Everything looks better in the light of day.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/12/2019 01:36

But to lose their mum to suicide is their worst nightmare OP. They wouldn’t be better off - they’d be dumped somewhere unfamiliar and who knows how unsupportive, grieving a horrific grief, so so young. Alone.

They wouldn’t be better off. Hold on OP, there’s love in your family and that counts for so much. Things can change, things can feel better. I am sending you positivity, light and strength. Hold on Flowers

LastMichaelmas · 08/12/2019 01:37

I think you should ask for the photos you've posted to be taken down — I can see you've tried to blank bits out, but it's possible they weren't showing fully on your screen when you were doing that, because your name (I think) and your DS's name, as well as details like the name of his school, are all visible in places.

Nobody asks to be born, but we are, and once we're here we matter to people. The world and your kids definitely wouldn't be better off without you. Your kids have a mum who understands them better than anyone else could. My mum has serious mental health problems and (in her case undiagnosed) ASD, and far from making her less valuable to me, it's meant she truly understands what I go through with my own serious mental health problems and ASD.

BestOption · 08/12/2019 01:37

Your kids will not be better off if you ‘go’. YOU are the only Mum they’ll ever have & ever want.

YOU haven’t caused this. Maybe genetics have, but it’s not your fault.

13 year old say horrible things sometimes. No matter who their parents are or what they do - try not to take that to heart!

They ALL need & want their Mummmy.

Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 01:38

cattenburg my dad had the handwashing too even though he was messy lol, he used to check all sockets too even while we were trying to sleep, he would come in multiple times, he'd also when he left the house walk do the end of the path then come back and check the door about ten times, was exhausting must have been worse for him. My sister does the handwashing now and has to take pics of her sockets and locks at bedtime so she doesn't have to get up and check. Crazy what gets passed on isn't it

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Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 01:40

I started about 8 (earlier with tics) thinking there was a fire outside my room and the thought wouldn't go away even after checking multiple times , then the images about men with guns outside my room! So weird!

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Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 01:42

I feel much better now strangely :)

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LastMichaelmas · 08/12/2019 01:43

Good! Could you maybe sleep now?

Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 01:49

No cant sleep I feel wired but can rest

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Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 01:52

Lastmicaelmas see I can't even safegaurd him! Ugh! How do I report the posts?

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Cattenberg · 08/12/2019 01:55

It is indeed strange. I never had to go back into the house, thankfully, but would be up and down the stairs a few times. Sertraline helps me, although it made me feel worse before it started to work.

Give it time. You won’t always feel like this.

LastMichaelmas · 08/12/2019 01:58

Ah don't be daft, it's no big deal. We've all had tech fuckups :D Nobody he knows is going to be reading a minor subforum of a parenting website at 2am.

There should be a symbol with 3 dots on each post; if you tap/click on that there's a report option?

Chilling out for a bit sounds like a good idea. What do you do for fun — do you play any video games or have any TV shows you like to watch?

Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 02:03

I cant concentrate on TV or video games 😅 I've tried a lot hahav

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LastMichaelmas · 08/12/2019 02:05

Fair enough :)

It's good you're feeling better — hope you can get some rest tonight.

Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 02:11

I'm usually so excited for Xmas I'm sure these tablets are making me feel worse! Sure it will pass though. Or maybe it's just the day cos of my dad, subconsciously and ill feel better when I wake up

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Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 02:12

At the moment I'm looking at the tree and feel nothing it's shit and not like me

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LastMichaelmas · 08/12/2019 02:16

I mean, with all that shit going on for you right now I'm impressed you're doing so well TBH. You have an Actual Fucking Christmas Tree for one thing 😂 It's not surprising your head is a bit fucked. And yeah the tablets really mess you up at first… I think you're right and it won't take long for that part of things to ease off. And 2am is a notoriously shitty time of day too.

Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 02:20

Yeah 2 am is a bad time, and you're right! I got the bloody tree up! So can't be all that bad can it! 8 year olds can be convincing haha

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LastMichaelmas · 08/12/2019 02:21

😁😁😁

Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 02:23

I just know I'll me up tomorrow in an even worse depressive mood, can feel it. Can I ask for mood stabilisers without any diagnosis? Because I think I need them? And is it anti pyschotics for tourettes!? Why? Its not a pyschotic thing

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Original poster
Confused202020 · 08/12/2019 02:29

I've always refused them before for tourettes because I don't swear or anything offensive thankfully lol. Mine is just vocal tic and, neck tensing and eye tic. Most of my tics I try to hide and do muscle tensing, was really bad a few years ago everyone used to comment on it. Remember a bt man in the iPhone asking if I Had a baby ducking in a dummy in the phone, noooo that's me unfortunately lol, and my sis has a photographer and asked if there was a dog and she were like no uts just my weirdo sis she has tourettes lol. Thank god mine are mainly suppressed now, well until this week where they're bad! But they will go

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LastMichaelmas · 08/12/2019 02:58

You can ask for mood stabilisers, but you're unlikely to get them.

Antipsychotics are misleadingly-named — they're used for lots of stuff. Psychosis, mania, depression, insomnia, obsessions, anxiety, lots of things.