to think that it’s all just really pointless

[z0fl0ra]

I don’t know why I’m posting this here, I think I don’t really have anyone irl I can properly talk to (I have some friends I vent to about things but everyone has their own problems and what not). I am 20 and I am just so done with living. I wouldn’t say I’m even depressed although taking anxiety medication and anti depressants in the past, I think I’m just realistic in that nothing is really that great. I think I’m just pretty done with actually being alive which I feel is something many people have in common. It’s not self hatred which I can work on with therapy etc just hatred for the world which won’t get better because the world won’t get better. Everyday is a chore, waking up and working and earning money and feeling stressed and anxious and unhappy with constant worry for the future, about the past, politics, BREXIT, the environment, health, family pretty much everything is negative and stressful and needs worrying about. It’s no wonder so many people have anxiety and depression these days because this is what we’re living for, fear of the higher powers that can lock us up and take away our human rights, fear for the future of our government, country, environment and the whole world. The small things we get enjoyment from people turn into a negative for us (unhealthy food, relaxing self care time, animals, kids) everything I have ever enjoyed just seems to actually be a chore and an expectation. Everything is corrupt, we go to work to earn money to spend on things to keep us alive and give us a basic life but for what? I should be happy and I’m very good at putting on a front to my boyfriend, friends, family, I’m a carer for disabled children, I’m young, have a nice car, a good amount of savings etc but knowing everything will eventually end anyway one day just makes all of my existence and hard work seem pointless and I know I’m not the only one thinking this. I really don’t know why I posted this or what I’m expecting responses to be but AIBU to think that this is just the life we have and even if you try and have the best most fulfilling life possible so much along the way goes so wrong and everyone is so unhappy and everything is corrupt and to think that I feel like this while living in a 1st world country makes me feel so horrible and selfish but it’s actually really fucking hard being alive and managing and coping and I don’t imagine it ever not being like this? Being a child is the best part of life and it’s all gone and now you know what everything is really like, no more being sheltered and being innocent and it’s so fucked and I wish I didn’t feel like this but I know most people probably feel like this deep down but keep going and pretending everything is okay because that’s what society expects right?

I felt much the same when I was younger. In my mid 30s things improved. Even though You may start to find more meaning to things. I wasn't really happy as a child. There's a lot of shit stuff happening in the world, but there is plenty out there to see and do that can be fulfilling. Hope you get past that feeling x

I had a minute the other day where I thought - I go to work to earn money to pay for a house I'm not in, because I'm working and to drive a car to get to work and back, like a little ant. It all just seemed a bit.. pointless? I'm not depressed at all, it was just a minute of WTF, why?!
Maybe I'm getting old!

To pp, shame on you for validating such low mood in someone who is so young and clearly struggling

This. OP, if you feel like this without let up then please you need to go to the GP.

Really shocked at some of the validation on here. Of course we all have low days but feeling as the OP does is a worry. I really hope you get some help in RL OP.

Shame on the pp who sneered at posters "coming on to suggest CBT"

I felt like this in my early 20s. It felt like I'd finally achieved adulthood, only to find the scales had dropped from my eyes.

Nothing triggered it. I had a good life. But I had a bad few years and I did end up on antidepressants, though even now I wouldn't say I felt depressed.
I no longer feel that way, haven't for years. I don't bury my head in the sand, but I have a more measured reaction to life's difficulties.

I think we all have this big eye opening "reveal" at some point in our lives. I'm horribly realistic and pragmatic, and I was quite far ahead in my early 20s compared to my peers - responsible job, house etc while they partied- so i think mine came early

I don’t think you are depressed op, more nihilistic, which is slightly different.

Jordan Peterson is worthwhile on the topic of nihilism. He’s a bit marmite but maybe you might get something from it 🤷‍♀️

An intro to him here- m.youtube.com/watch?v=k8UTMl3BK80

Being a child is the best part of life

Sad to say, I agree. Childhood was totally shit but it has been far worse since. Death is probably the best bit of life.

Thanks everyone for your responses it was interesting to see a lot of different viewpoints, to the posters who feel like me also I am sorry, it’s such an unhappy life to be living.
To the poster who said about what next I honestly don’t know myself, I wouldn’t say I’m actively suicidal but imagine that my life will probably end that way one day, not soon but in don’t imagine myself getting old but then things could end up better one day so who knows?
Thanks to everyone whose taken time to comment it’s reassuring this many people care or feel the same or even want to take time out of their day to interact with someone who feels the way I do and it means a lot to not feel so alone. I’d like to take up a hobby or find something I enjoy but I work 70/80+ hours a week and barely sleep any free time I have I end up napping to escape from it all but I know I’m lucky and sound so ungrateful it’s a bit strange writing it all down and talking about it because people who know me generally think of me as happy and wouldn’t want to let people down if they knew what I really felt like

I think working 80 hours a week and not sleeping is possibly the cause of your negative thinking.

Op, I think you need to look at your life first - I agree, lack of sleep and being exhausted is going to contribute to any negative mood.

Being overwhelmed with responsibilities. You sound absolutely worn down by life, which is shit at any time, but at 20?

Can you offload some of this? Can you get more sleep? Can you share anything? I'm sure that you would feel much better if you were doing less and sleeping more.

Then do go to the doctor, because you probably are depressed and depressants may help. Counselling too - it's good to talk to someone and develop coping strategies.

That's way to much work, try some me time.
Mindfulness, just get outside walk, thinkabout nothing else other than the nature before you and how much bigger it all is than ......
Buy a book on it!
Worked for me !

I've felt this way before. I was depressed. I wanted to get better so i took antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication etc and had counselling and it sorted me out. Also greatly reducing the amount of rolling news i was consuming helped and just focusing on the here and now. I fjnd Classic Fm has the perfect balance - short, basic news bulletins rather than endless repetition of Brexit.

The fact is, the world has always been a balance of shit stuff and wonderful stuff and it always will be. You can't change most of it but you can work on finding ways to shift your own mindset so you can see the positive stuff too. The problem with that is you have to want to see things in a more balanced way first of all and from your OP maybe you're not quite there yet?

One thing i always remind myself and my dcs is that only the shit and/or sensational stuff makes the news. You never hear "older couple go for a woodland walk and feel reinvigorated, enlivened and at one with nature." do you? And yet it probably happens at least once a day.

@z0fl0ra come on here and chat to us any time. I send you a big hug.

I would say - start to looking at changing your job. You do not have to do one career forever. 80+ hours is alot. ❤️

I work 70/80+ hours a week and barely sleep any free time I have I end up napping to escape from it all

Agree with pp. This is the problem. When I am exhausted for a long period of time I turn into a miserable ball of miserableness.

I learned that balance is pretty much needed.

Life is all about accepting the daily hypocrisy and the quiet despair as status quo.

Life is all about accepting the daily hypocrisy and the quiet despair as status quo

No it isn't.

@trewser Life IS incredibly tough though.

Sometimes, when I think of all the things that I have been through - I am amazed that I am still standing. Read this and tell me if life is a joy to behold

1. one abusive parent
2. one totally absent father
3. i went to track my father down in my twenties - he sent me a letter saying he didn't want to know me , and never wanted to see me again
4. my granny , also never acknowledged my existence
5. My own sexual assaults
6. Being bullied at school
7. suicide lf someone close to me.

Life is incredibly tough. I have spent may days - counting down the days left in this lofe

*i have spent many days - counting down the days left in this life.

@angell84 that is a horrible list of events that have happened to you.

My list is similar actually. But I don't feel the same as you. Can you re-write the list instead? Put the positives on there?

I feel like this often.

angell that's some list. I do know people close to me with arguably far worse childhoods who manage to be positive about life though so it's clearly not a given. They desperately wanted to be happy though which may be the difference.

@AnnaNimmity that is a good question.

Okay, my positive list.

I have one really good male friend - for ten years. I am proud of that friendship.
I am healthy.
I have enough money to eat.
I have travelled.
I can sing.
I had one long relationship - even though it ended - I am proud of the relationship we had
I have one nice cousin
I am grateful for my brother
I am grateful that I can paint and write and create - my hobbies.

Maybe it is really about turning our thoughts around. I am going to try and write what I am grateful for every day

@AnnaNimmity your list is similiar - and you are still positive?

You are an inspiration. Do you do gratitude journallong or anything?

You work very long hours OP. You sound like a deep thinker and you do a very worthwhile job, but maybe you need a break from it? A big change. Does the Winter darkness get you down? When I was a bit older than you I was sad and weary of life and I went to stay with a friend in a new place where I found different work. Maybe go to the GP and then plan an adventure. Your life may not have any great meaning but you have just as much right to warmth, comfort, fun and adventure as any other animal alive on this Earth.
Apologies if that's a stupid suggestion. I know everyone is different.

I get it OP, it's hard.

I can often be quite good at taking pleasure in the little things in life - for example, coming home when it's cold and pouring with rain I feel incredibly grateful to have a nice warm, dry house to come home to. But I'm always aware that I am only ever a few seconds away from a life-changing phonecall (accident / illness / death of a family member etc). I just feel that life is an absolute gauntlet and it's no win.....you're not going to get through it without bad things happening. They are going to happen and you have no control over it. So yes, I try to be positive and see the good in situations, but that feeling is always there.

I do think that social media and the technological advances of the past however many years have made it a whole lot worse though and I do often think about how everyone must have been much happier in "a simpler time"......but then of course they had horrendous diseases, no vaccines, no medicine, no central heating, no hot running water etc etc - swings and roundabouts isn't it

So yeah, sorry I don't really have anything reassuring to say

Have you read this?
Matt Haig Reasons to Stay Alive