To abort a child that the dad wants to keep?

[ineedadvicepleasegodhelpme]

This is going to be really long but I can't talk to anyone in real life apart from my partner and he is as emotionally invested as i am.

I have really bad depression and anxiety and am struggling with suicidal thoughts. This has been going on for years.
I have 3 children ages 6, 5 and just turned 1

I started getting better about a year ago when I started studying online, got all of the qualifications needed for my dream job (well, a lower role than my dream but it fit with childcare and I could move up when the kids got older and I was ready for a more hectic role)
Anyway, this was very difficult, cost loads of money, was very lonely as it was online and not with other people which hit me harder than I thought.

I got the qualifications and found some voluntary work with the promise of employment after a six month period. The pay would be tiny and only enough to cover the childcare I would be away for but that was fine as it was giving me confidence and helping me feel less depressed and my anxiety was hardly touching me anymore.
Life was good. I had 3 children 5 and under, and i was getting my life back for the first time.

Then my partner was offered a promotion at work which was about a year ago now. It was about a extra 7k a year and meant that we could afford to buy a house instead of renting.
We get no benefits now he is earning more so I have no money coming into my bank which isn't from him.
He took the job and is working away from home about 12 days for every 14.
I had to quit my (still) volunteer role for him to be able to take the job (he was my childcare solution for the no pay 6 months). He found out on friday and started on monday so I didn't have chance to give notice or sort something else out. I had to leave and just say 'sorry I can't come ever again'.
I worked out a very reasonable and generous offer with the employer which i will never be able to replicate. it was a once in a lifetime chance and i had to throw it away for the good of the family.

now a year on I have just died. That's how it feels. I just go through the motions. I am severely depressed and self harmed. I have put on weight and just cry every day. I live in a flat so the fear of jumping is very real. so real that my partner has confiscated the window keys.
My children have lost me- I don't play with them any more and find it so difficult to even do the basic cleaning, cooking, even getting out of bed is a chore and I have naps in the day with the baby now just so I can pass some time without feeling sad.

I am on my own ( adult wise) most of the week and some times 2 weeks at a time. i feel so lonely and I told my partner this would happen before he took the job but he still did.

His career has flown and I didn't even finish education (pregnant at 16- had to leave college because I was too ill to travel 2 hours there and 2 hours back anymore)
He has supported me and the children since i fell pregnant with the first but I feel so resentful for it.

I found out I was pregnant about a month ago, maybe 6 weeks. I told him I didn't want it but he was so excited. I took the test with my mum and she started telling people straight away. I was upset and told my partner and he said he'd told people too. He said that he has told everyone at work and they all say congratulations.

So loads of people know I am pregnant, and I want an abortion. I am embarrassed. I don't know how hormones will affect my depression. I really just want to die but I can't even get five minutes alone without the kids to wash, never mind to commit suicide.
I can't feel like this for another 9 months while pregnant and then 4 years until school.

I feel like I am going to crack. I don't want to abort a child my partner and family wants but I also can't carry on. And i certainly can't carry on while pregnant or alone with 3 children and a new born.
The children know I am pregnant and that has made things 10x harder.

He has said it is my decision as it's my body but I can't decide whether to go through it it or not. I feel sick with worry that aborting will break us apart. He didn't want the last baby but I did. We decided as a family that wanting to keep trumps aborting that time.
But it feels like I will make all the sacrifices while he gets to keep his job and I couldn't even start earning a wage never mind keep it.

If you want to abort then do so.

Are you getting any treatment for your depression? If not, please see your GP.

And your partner needs to pull his head out his and start discussing stuff with you. It's alright for him, with his high flying job, but he's not paying attention to your needs. He's treating you as the housekeeper, not being supportive.

You matter, too. If getting a job and/or qualifications will help you mentally, then he needs to see how he can facilitate this, picking up dc, etc.

YANBU. It's so hard to know what to tell you. You don't have to feel this way, and need help, but I am so aware of how difficult accessing the right help can be.

You said that you started getting better a year ago, but now a year later, things are bad again. Could post-natal depression have contributed to this? I wonder if that would enable you to access help from your GP? Have you been to your GP? You say that you have been struggling for years, so I assume that you have, but I think it would at least be a starting point.

I agree that this would be a difficult time to have a baby. I wouldn't worry about what to tell people - it's none of their business. You don't have to tell them or explain anything. Most likely they would assume that you lost the baby, and didn't want to talk about it.

You don't deserve to feel like this - I hope you can find the help and support that you need.

It’s appalling that he, and your mum, have shared this news before you’ve had time to reach a decision.

You say you feel sick with worry that aborting will break you apart. Going ahead with a pregnancy when you are already struggling and he doesn’t seem to care could also break you apart.

You must make the best decision for yourself.

I think the feelings of the person carrying the baby trump anyone else’s. If you are already struggling then it would be a huge decision to add to that burden with another baby, even if it was wanted by both parents. I find it hard to believe that your husband would want another child given that he knows what you are going through and felt the need to confiscate the window keys!

I think your wish for an abortion would be best for you in this instance as you are clearly struggling with day to day life. Maybe after counselling/ treatment you would be in a better place. If you definitely do not want any further children I would look at sterilisation. I know this is a difficult situation OP, but everyone knowing that you are pregnant should not sway you from doing what’s best for you (and by extension, your children). Bystanders may have an opinion but they don’t have to live your life and deal with the consequences.

What sense in bringing a child into an already unhappy, unhealthy situation. In a couple of years your youngest will start school and you can have a chance of getting your life back. Another child will put more pressure on you and further delay your opportunity to find something occupy your time.

It’s your decision. If you don’t want another child then go through with the abortion. Your partner will not be the one who has to live the the consequences of having another child, it sounds like he doesn’t see the ones he’s already got very much. If he’s getting all excited when you haven’t even decided if you want it continue yet then that’s his problem. If it’s him who’s told your DC your pregnant that’s incredibly emotionally manipulative.

Other people can think what they like. It’s you who has to live with this decision so you should do whatever you think is right.

Are you under the care of your local MH team, or you GP? If not then I think you should seak help. Bringing another child into your life is not going to magically make all your MH problems go away. What you need is a life outside the home, not to be further isolated by having more babies to care for. Nobody benefits from that, especially not the DC.

Sorry, I’ve just seen you already have three DC. I think you know the answer OP. Put your own needs first. You already have three DC who need their mum. Bringing another child into this situation will make things much worse. You’re only 22/23, you have plenty of time yet.

I just wanted to say something.
I couldn't not post.
I'm sorry your feeling like this. Motherhood can be terribly lonely....
I think the fact you maybe want to feel better about this is a good sign. In that you don't want to continue with the pregnancy because you feel that carrying a child may make you feel worse, if that makes sense.
You need to put yourself first 100%! For you to be there for yourself and your children, please think about your own mental health and your own heart. Take care of yourself.

@MulticolourMophead
I have been to the GP. He is old and probably a bit outdated. He said 'as long as you have your boyfriend at home you'll be fine' and opened the door. So I changed GPs. But it was so hard to say anything the first time I am not even close to being able to say anything to the doctor yet.

@Areyoufree
I don't know why he started telling people before we had decided. It has now been a few weeks and it feels like I am being pushed into keeping it.
I was feeling really bad and my partner basically said 'you're going to work out, eat well and start studying and we'll get you out of this hole' ad he got me out of it and dealt with all of the crying and whatever but now it feels like I have seen how my life could be and it's even worse than before! I never knew what I was missing before and now I do.

I would not hesitate to termination. REALLY wrong of your partner and mum to tell everyone. But it wouldn't convince me to continue the pregnancy. You sound like the only sensible one among them and your health is paramount.

Firstly you need to get some help OP. It also sounds like your DP has his head in the sand. How does confiscating the keys actually help you long term? What about you? You need some real support here. If you want to abort then do so, it’s your body. Talk to you health visitor or different GP, someone. Phone BPAS. Please reach out to someone.

ineedadvicepleasegodhelpme

Can you speak to your HV? You may have PND, but anyway they can help you get referred to the right people to help you.

But I agree your DP and mum were wrong to tell people before you'd gad a chance to properly think things through.💐

And he didn't tell the children, they heard when my mum was telling all and sundry. He is sad to be working away, he hates it and he hardly leaves the hotel room.

It was the wisest decision because we have managed to save the deposit on a house now. I had saved for 3 years and only managed 3k, and in one we have saved the rest we needed. So the job is crap for him but it's what is best for the family.
The baby is crap for me but it's what's best for the family. This is my logic I suppose.

If the baby is crap for you it is not whats best for the family at all.

Abort. Tell him you miscarried, whatever, he's a prick for not listening to you and understand that it is entirely your choice. If you don't want the pregnancy, don't have it.

Call the Samaritans, OP. They're really good and will listen.

Please, your mental health comes first. You cannot begin to be a caring loving mum without first taking care of yourself.

I think it is very cruel that he took the promotion and hasn’t helped you with a back up plan to help you keep your dream job. The extra 7k should be for childcare until you’re earning. I also cannot believe he leaves you overnight knowing your feelings and state of mental health.

If you can’t face telling them you’re having an abortion, you do have the option to tell them you lost the baby. It isn’t something I would normally say. But right now you need people to take care of you, not berate you, which is going to happen by the sound of it if you tell the truth.

Can you self refer for counselling? You can at my Gp surgery. Maybe there is a nice nurse at your surgery you could go and talk to. And get yourself booked in the abortion clinic for a first appointment. They will talk to you and give you counselling.

This is your body. Your decision. Sending you big hugs.

Aaaw you poor kid x wish I could give you a hug .
Just when you started to regain control with the training and volunteer job and things were looking up the rug has been pulled out from under you . It’s enough to send anyone into a downward spiral especially as control over who is told about your pregnancy has also been usurped .
You have to speak to your GP as soon as possible . Can your mother possibly come stay to help with children and other basics whilst husband is working away ?
At the end of the day it’s your choice on the abortion front - excited as your husband seems to be you don’t and can’t share his happiness as you feel so down trodden .
You need support over the next weeks x First stop your GP x

Medication and.cpunselling would be my first thought. Iv had a partner that works away and it's really tough.

I paid for childcare for 3 under 5 while my partner worked away as I needed to stay sane. It took all my wages plus some from my partner to cover childcare - it made things tight and perhaps selfish on my part but my partner recognised I needed to work

I mean I feel for him, it must be awful wanting the baby and you wanting to abort. That would cause some pain and it may well end your relationship you have to be prepared for that.

Ultimately though it’s your choice, only you can decide.

Please get help for the depression ,for your sake and the dc you already have. You can’t ignore it, Because there isn’t anywhere to hide.

I think it's disgusting that your mother has told everyone and also that you were expected to give your life up just so that you can facilitate your partner's promotion. Things sound really tough for you and I'm not surprised that you're feeling so low. I'd be feeling really used.

YANBU to abort a child that everyone else wants. It's your body, your life. Don't lie about it and say you had a miscarriage - why should you?

I hope you can find a way to find your power again x

When women have described very desperate situations with depression on here, like you have, they've been advised to print out the thread and show it to their GP, or at least the first post. You need MH support now, its already a crisis. I wonder if he is very young too and finding it hard to make sense of it all. Please get in touch with someone today - reach out in RL as you have here. This page from the Mind website talks about perinatal mental health problems:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/support-and-services/#.XbrOuC90eCc

I’d be telling him that another baby with his current working pattern will break you. Does he know how badly you are struggling with your mental health at the moment?

the job is crap for him but it's what is best for the family. The baby is crap for me but it's what's best for the family. This is my logic I suppose

No! His job or new baby isn't best for the family, or YOU - happiness, fulfilment and contentment are best. Mental health is worth more than a house or pleasing other people.

A new house and baby aren't worth it if you're dead, love.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I'm sorry if this is blunt, but when I was suicidal I really appreciated the opportunity to be raw and honest.

What good is it to own your own property if you are going to die in it?

You realise you can put all that money into a home and still not own it because the bank will? You will be able to make changes to it, yes, but it also comes with a lot of risk. Did you know in the UK we have a much higher threshold of needing to own our homes? In other countries renting is much more standard.

You and him are being driven to a lifestyle of your own home but it is at YOUR cost. It hurts to read this post. If your Mum died and had £10000 in the bank would you be happy because it meant you had a deposit? You have actual CASH to help you but can't use it.

You being housebound is the issue here, the baby wont help that, the hormones will make it worse, but the pregnancy is not the cause of your mental ill health.

You need to get the kids taken care of as a matter of urgency and sit down with your husband and lay it all out. I AM DYING, this world is not for me and I am drowning. I need your help.

You need to spend your savings on wellness - whether that is an abortion, nursery, pyschologist, the Priory, it doesn't matter but it is sitting there and you are sinking. Use your own lift raft, PLEASE.

Termination is your decision, perhaps some counselling around that would help?
You just sound so lonely, is there nowhere you can go, even a baby activity, for some human contact. It shouldn't feel like this.
Big hug.