To abort a child that the dad wants to keep?

[ineedadvicepleasegodhelpme]

This is going to be really long but I can't talk to anyone in real life apart from my partner and he is as emotionally invested as i am.

I have really bad depression and anxiety and am struggling with suicidal thoughts. This has been going on for years.
I have 3 children ages 6, 5 and just turned 1

I started getting better about a year ago when I started studying online, got all of the qualifications needed for my dream job (well, a lower role than my dream but it fit with childcare and I could move up when the kids got older and I was ready for a more hectic role)
Anyway, this was very difficult, cost loads of money, was very lonely as it was online and not with other people which hit me harder than I thought.

I got the qualifications and found some voluntary work with the promise of employment after a six month period. The pay would be tiny and only enough to cover the childcare I would be away for but that was fine as it was giving me confidence and helping me feel less depressed and my anxiety was hardly touching me anymore.
Life was good. I had 3 children 5 and under, and i was getting my life back for the first time.

Then my partner was offered a promotion at work which was about a year ago now. It was about a extra 7k a year and meant that we could afford to buy a house instead of renting.
We get no benefits now he is earning more so I have no money coming into my bank which isn't from him.
He took the job and is working away from home about 12 days for every 14.
I had to quit my (still) volunteer role for him to be able to take the job (he was my childcare solution for the no pay 6 months). He found out on friday and started on monday so I didn't have chance to give notice or sort something else out. I had to leave and just say 'sorry I can't come ever again'.
I worked out a very reasonable and generous offer with the employer which i will never be able to replicate. it was a once in a lifetime chance and i had to throw it away for the good of the family.

now a year on I have just died. That's how it feels. I just go through the motions. I am severely depressed and self harmed. I have put on weight and just cry every day. I live in a flat so the fear of jumping is very real. so real that my partner has confiscated the window keys.
My children have lost me- I don't play with them any more and find it so difficult to even do the basic cleaning, cooking, even getting out of bed is a chore and I have naps in the day with the baby now just so I can pass some time without feeling sad.

I am on my own ( adult wise) most of the week and some times 2 weeks at a time. i feel so lonely and I told my partner this would happen before he took the job but he still did.

His career has flown and I didn't even finish education (pregnant at 16- had to leave college because I was too ill to travel 2 hours there and 2 hours back anymore)
He has supported me and the children since i fell pregnant with the first but I feel so resentful for it.

I found out I was pregnant about a month ago, maybe 6 weeks. I told him I didn't want it but he was so excited. I took the test with my mum and she started telling people straight away. I was upset and told my partner and he said he'd told people too. He said that he has told everyone at work and they all say congratulations.

So loads of people know I am pregnant, and I want an abortion. I am embarrassed. I don't know how hormones will affect my depression. I really just want to die but I can't even get five minutes alone without the kids to wash, never mind to commit suicide.
I can't feel like this for another 9 months while pregnant and then 4 years until school.

I feel like I am going to crack. I don't want to abort a child my partner and family wants but I also can't carry on. And i certainly can't carry on while pregnant or alone with 3 children and a new born.
The children know I am pregnant and that has made things 10x harder.

He has said it is my decision as it's my body but I can't decide whether to go through it it or not. I feel sick with worry that aborting will break us apart. He didn't want the last baby but I did. We decided as a family that wanting to keep trumps aborting that time.
But it feels like I will make all the sacrifices while he gets to keep his job and I couldn't even start earning a wage never mind keep it.

So Op are you saying you have money to move now? You have the deposit? So why can't you move now?

There are definitely antidepressants you can take in pregnancy, I was offered them last time. They can also offer other therapies such as counselling but there are definitely safe antidepressants. They need to listen to you and what you would like to try.

You are in a very emotionally intense situation and you cannot make a decision like this until you have a clear head. The pregnancy is not the problem. You are clearly struggling and you need help. A termination will not improve your situation and you may end up regretting this in years to come. I'm aghast at people on here so quick to tell you to abort, like it's a cyst removal. There are some serious emotional repercussions with this, that you may not be ready for. Only you can make this decision, it's your body, but for your own sake, you need to be absolutely certain.

There always feels like very few options when you are in the pits.

For now I recommend going to your doctors, speaking to the receptionist and handing her a note asking for a double appointment with your GP as a matter of urgency as you are in crisis. You don't have to say more than that. She might be able to sort you one out sharpish.

Then please ask your siblings to take your children for 3 hours so you can have an in depth chat with your husband, during the day so your energy levels are higher.

Write down a note that you can share with the doctor and your husband (2 for 1!) in bullet points with explicit detail of where you are

1. I think about suicide X times a day
2. I self harmed most recently Y days ago
3. I cannot remember when I was last happy
4. I feel Z about my current pregnancy

You at least owe it to yourself to be crystal clear with those who can help you make informed choices about your pregnancy exactly what the choice is.

Let me promise you, knowing that someone reads all those things, and the world not ending, will be the first step on your recovery. What you are feeling is NOT ok but it is common.