To abort a child that the dad wants to keep?

[ineedadvicepleasegodhelpme]

This is going to be really long but I can't talk to anyone in real life apart from my partner and he is as emotionally invested as i am.

I have really bad depression and anxiety and am struggling with suicidal thoughts. This has been going on for years.
I have 3 children ages 6, 5 and just turned 1

I started getting better about a year ago when I started studying online, got all of the qualifications needed for my dream job (well, a lower role than my dream but it fit with childcare and I could move up when the kids got older and I was ready for a more hectic role)
Anyway, this was very difficult, cost loads of money, was very lonely as it was online and not with other people which hit me harder than I thought.

I got the qualifications and found some voluntary work with the promise of employment after a six month period. The pay would be tiny and only enough to cover the childcare I would be away for but that was fine as it was giving me confidence and helping me feel less depressed and my anxiety was hardly touching me anymore.
Life was good. I had 3 children 5 and under, and i was getting my life back for the first time.

Then my partner was offered a promotion at work which was about a year ago now. It was about a extra 7k a year and meant that we could afford to buy a house instead of renting.
We get no benefits now he is earning more so I have no money coming into my bank which isn't from him.
He took the job and is working away from home about 12 days for every 14.
I had to quit my (still) volunteer role for him to be able to take the job (he was my childcare solution for the no pay 6 months). He found out on friday and started on monday so I didn't have chance to give notice or sort something else out. I had to leave and just say 'sorry I can't come ever again'.
I worked out a very reasonable and generous offer with the employer which i will never be able to replicate. it was a once in a lifetime chance and i had to throw it away for the good of the family.

now a year on I have just died. That's how it feels. I just go through the motions. I am severely depressed and self harmed. I have put on weight and just cry every day. I live in a flat so the fear of jumping is very real. so real that my partner has confiscated the window keys.
My children have lost me- I don't play with them any more and find it so difficult to even do the basic cleaning, cooking, even getting out of bed is a chore and I have naps in the day with the baby now just so I can pass some time without feeling sad.

I am on my own ( adult wise) most of the week and some times 2 weeks at a time. i feel so lonely and I told my partner this would happen before he took the job but he still did.

His career has flown and I didn't even finish education (pregnant at 16- had to leave college because I was too ill to travel 2 hours there and 2 hours back anymore)
He has supported me and the children since i fell pregnant with the first but I feel so resentful for it.

I found out I was pregnant about a month ago, maybe 6 weeks. I told him I didn't want it but he was so excited. I took the test with my mum and she started telling people straight away. I was upset and told my partner and he said he'd told people too. He said that he has told everyone at work and they all say congratulations.

So loads of people know I am pregnant, and I want an abortion. I am embarrassed. I don't know how hormones will affect my depression. I really just want to die but I can't even get five minutes alone without the kids to wash, never mind to commit suicide.
I can't feel like this for another 9 months while pregnant and then 4 years until school.

I feel like I am going to crack. I don't want to abort a child my partner and family wants but I also can't carry on. And i certainly can't carry on while pregnant or alone with 3 children and a new born.
The children know I am pregnant and that has made things 10x harder.

He has said it is my decision as it's my body but I can't decide whether to go through it it or not. I feel sick with worry that aborting will break us apart. He didn't want the last baby but I did. We decided as a family that wanting to keep trumps aborting that time.
But it feels like I will make all the sacrifices while he gets to keep his job and I couldn't even start earning a wage never mind keep it.

It sounds like you're in a pretty crap situation OP. I agree with PPs that you absolutely need to do what is right for you, and by extension for your family.

I know that there is time pressure on the decision re. the pregnancy. But from your post, it looks like there are a lot of other issues that you need to deal with as well, not least your depression. I understand that your partner thinks he is doing the right thing by working away and building up a deposit for a house. But what good is a house going to be for your kids if you are in such a bad way that you are self harming and having suicidal thoughts? Surely renting for a while is not the worst thing in the world?

I think you should have a proper sit down with your partner and make some real changes - you have seen what your life could be like and there is no reason not to go for that again. Also make an appointment and see a different GP about your depression - this is urgent and although difficult, needs to happen for you and your kids. At that point, you can reassess how you are feeling about the pregnancy. It would be awful to make a decision that you later regretted when there are other changes available which may also help you.

You poor thing, it sounds like you are really very depressed and you DO need to talk to your GP. It doesn't sound like adding another baby to the mix will help at all, but only you can decide that. Don't be pressured either way by what other people want you to do. It's an incredibly hard situation. You need to be able to talk to your DP about all of this. Can he look for another job closer to home, to allow you to return to your voluntary role or do some more training? Could your mum help with the kids to allow you to do that? You are both so young still. Maybe you could suggest that you need some time to work on your own life/career and now isn't the time to have a baby. You are young, you have time on your side, you could (if he wants to have a bigger family) try for a baby when you are feeling better and when you BOTH want to.

And your partner should take responsibility for contraception.

Look - you need to look after yourself - you have to make yourself a priority.

1. If you don't want the baby then you don't have to have it. You have 3 children you love, you are severely depressed and are finding life difficult with a partner who is hardly there. If you don't want the baby that is NOTHING to feel guilty about.

1. The dream job is NOT your only opportunity. Time moves quickly. Your youngest will be 3 soon, you'll have 30 free hours childcare and suddenly the possibilities are endless.

1. Get to your doctor. If you cant SAY it then write it down and hand them a note. They will help you. I broke down in my doctor's surgery about 8 months after having my second child and my doctor was fantastic. After a while I agreed to try Sertraline (should've tried much quicker) and it was life changing - I honestly didn't think that I was as depressed as I was but the cloud started to lift so quickly. I also had some CBT which was really helpful.

Your life will change, and you can make it better for YOU but you are working against a really dysfunctional sounding family. I can't understand how your mother and partner can see you so depressed and start telling people your're pregnant immediately. It's selfish and unkind.

Is there anyone you can talk to who will just listen to you?

I don't usually advocate lying, but in your situation I would seriously consider having an abortion and telling people I had a miscarriage if you felt like they'd judge you (not that anyone should).

I feel so much pain from your post and I want to give you a hug and that really isn't normally me - you need help so go out and grab it. Make it an early Christmas present to yourself.

@GloGirl articulated exactly what I was trying to say much more effectively

He is trying to be supportive and he said it's my choice at the end of the day but if he could chose he would keep the baby. The job is temporary. 5 years and he can say no more I want to stay fairly local etc.
He really is supportive and he wants to save for a house quickly so the children can have a garden and so I can garden and grow veg etc like I really want to. Spending time out of doors helps with everything but when I get really depressed I just can't make it past the neighbours to the park.

He really is supportive and selfless, he took the job to get a house and give the children a garden, give me some time in the garden and just move our life forward. We discussed it and I don;t think you can blame him because if you haven;t been depressed (or trapped in a flat for years) you just don't get it.
Now adding another baby and another 5 years just feels like a prison sentence. I would love another baby and when I'm not feeling so low I can get excited but then when I do feel low I just don't want the extra burden.
The 6 and 5 year old kiss my belly good night and talk about it all the time, which makes things harder.
I don't care about what others say or think (I have no friends in UK anymore- they all traveled while I was pregnant so it's just another reminder of how my life went) but my DP said that he wouldn't want to get fake sympathy for a miscarriage. He is really bad at lying and I know he would give the game away.

My mum is did this spitefully and we are low contact with her. She still makes digs at my sister for aborting when she was 17 or 18. So I can only imagine what she would do/ say to me. We are only low contact for my siblings sake, I would never see them if I was no contact with her.

I thought about using our savings on myself but I can't get the offer back, it was a quick decision and we clearly didn't think it through. I never thought I would feel this bad but I do. I am just not coping at all anymore.

How old are you OP? And your partner? Is your contraception sorted properly because it sounds like perhaps you're not fully in control of that (you said the last pregnancy was unexpected?) and that's why you're pregnant again. I'd advise you to speak seriously to your dp and mother, it doesn't matter that they have told people, your mental health is so important, it trump's everything else, the children you have already are suffering from having an unresponsive, depressed mother. They can tell people you miscarried. I wouldn't go through an abortion alone, it's possible but it's better you have support. I'm guessing you're very young so don't write yourself off in terms of career. BPAS or Marie Stopes can help if you do decide on an abortion, maybe have a chat to see what your options are, your GP will fund it.

Can you make an appointment to see the Practice Nurse instead of a Dr? I had two older, male Drs fob me off with nonsense until I saw the PN for an unrelated matter and ended up blurting out how I was feeling. She has been marvellous. I can function again. You need to put yourself first but you can’t do this whilst your head is telling you that you are worthless. I hope you can get the help you deserve.

You are the one who is going to have to cope with the work and the emotional strain of another child. It sounds as though your partner is a good man who loves and supports you all - but he really can't be aware of the mental stresses involved. These have been massively increased on you because your DM has been indiscreet and this hasn't given you the breathing space you need to really think about what would be best for you and your family.

I can tell you what will NOT be best - and that is for you to become severely long-term depressed, or to have a breakdown because of the strain. Four children is a huge amount of work physically, too.

This is obviously not an easy decision for you to take - if you do decide to terminate it's not something that you are doing lightly. It is taking a massive emotional toll upon you. This will be something to bear in mind too.

Many years ago my mother had a termination (illegal at the time). Like you she was effectively a single parent (dad was in the navy). She had no family support and she already had four children (I was the oldest, and was 8, the youngest was not even a year old). I only know she has an abortion (horrible word) because she came home and collapsed, and I had to run about fetching towels etc for her, because she couldn't walk and she didn't dare call the doctor because what she had done was illegal at the time.

I know she never mentioned that baby to anyone, but she never forgot him. Occasionally she and I would talk about it. She felt very guilty for terminating his life, but always said she could not have coped with another child in those circumstances. She knew she couldn't and did what she felt was the best for ALL of us - and I think that that is what you are trying to do now.

You have already sacrificed a lot for your family - your job and your prospects for the future. You are exhausted and lonely, and don't have adult contact or support during the week. You are living on the edge of your sanity almost.

If you do decide to terminate this pregnancy, don't feel any guilt about it. Tell your unborn baby that you love him/her very much, that you always will; that you will never forget them. (And I promise you, you won't). But remind yourself how difficult you have found it, through no fault of your own, and how much your other children, and your new baby, and your relationship would have suffered if you had gone ahead with the birth.

Mourn your baby. Be kind to yourself. You can tell your children that there was a mistake - that sometimes it seems as though there is a baby, and then you find that you were wrong. They don't ned to know. and nor does your mother - you can say (if necessary) that you miscarried if you feel that she'll criticise you.

Is there a local family planning clinic? They would be easier to talk to about this - they'll be used to women in your situation, and be aware of how difficult it is for you. You can talk over your options with them.

If you do decide to go ahead with having your baby, you really need some support - physically, in the home. Either way you need emotional support - it's very difficult for you and your DP, being apart so much at the moment.

Whatever you do, do get as much support as you can. Make another appointment with your GP - not just about this, but also regarding how you feel in general. This is not an easy decision for most women, and TBH is sounds as though you are deeply depressed to begin with, and this alone will make it harder for you to make a decision.

You will find support on here no matter what you decide to do, but sadly, we can't come round and stick the kettle on and let you have a good natter, which might help you more than anything.

Take care, my dear.

And your partner should take responsibility for contraception.

Sorry but how do we know this should all be down to her partner?

Were either of you using contraception?

I do think you should get your mental health sorted first. - be honest with your partner about how your feeling and that you need support from your GP.

I am expecting and have had periods where I felt similar to yourself. The difference being, my ex is moving out soon. He has been here, but he is absent if that makes sense and he is of no support or help to me. I’m very lonely and have nobody to talk to.
I felt having a baby now would be a bad idea but a friend I confided in told another friend who told their wife and then the news spread. At the point I found out people knew, I felt the decision to have a termination had been taken away from me. It would’ve probably been best for everyone if I didn’t have this baby. I have other children and having another baby completely on my own is not something I wanted. Because of everything, all the stress, financial worries etc, I’m a bit of a mess. I’m struggling to bond with the baby or be excited about it in any way to the point I have at times been irritated when someone has asked about it. That makes me feel guilty because I adore my kids and I never imagined I could feel this way about a baby I’m expecting.
I suppose my point is, if you don’t want the baby, do what is right for yourself. You are the one who will carry it, give birth and be there to bring it up while your partner is away. Your mum and partner were so wrong to tell people before you had time to make your own decisions.

@GloGirl I have been saving for years and now we are this close to buyig a house and getting out of this hell hole you wouldn't believe it. It is council and we have drug dealers everywhere. I have walked in at least 10x after the school run to people swapping cash for baggies of god knows what.
We have had groups of people banging on our door looking for previous tenants with weapons.
And we had a junky living on our floor for weeks (he used the stairs as a bathroom) because we are on the top floor and its warmest up here.
The police may as well set up camp outside they are here that often.

It is dangerous here I couldn't take the chance to escape away from 5 people just for one. Plus half of my worries will be gone with a house, at least noone can start living and urinating and ####ing on my front lawn but they can here! It really is typical council estate.

It really isn't an option, plus my dp would be working away for nothing.

paying for a therapist would be a good idea, and we can afford it now (probably, I haven't checked the prices) I will look into that so thank you.
We have put all extra earnings away and spending as we did before so it didnt occur to me to spend some money on something for myself, it isnt all or nothing.

And the problems really came after i found out how well I fitted at work. In 5 years my current limited knowledge will be out of date by then so I would need to retra n anyway.

Just for clarity,
I was mildly depressed after my second child,
I worked to get out and get a job to feel better,
When my partner changed jobs and I had to give up mine I fell deeper into depression,
then finding out I was pregnant and having to deal with the idea of looking after a newborn with no support and a partner who won't be here most of the time has just pushed me over the edge.
So it's realistically only been a few weeks where I have been super bad but I can't imagie how much worse itll feel with a newborn. I didn't think feeling this way was even possible but adding to it just ...... I can't even think about it

@SchadenfiendeUnmortified thank you, this is why I came on to a forum type website. the nhs website can't give you little stories that juust make you feel like you're not actually a murderer. Just a woman on the edge and scared of falling off.

My mum had an abortion and we grew up knowing that she regretted it bitterly and that's why I'm wavering I think. I don't want to regret it. It still is a life. And the time limit is hard too. I don't want the choice.

I'm going to be blunt too.

Given your issues with mental health I cannot understand why you have allowed yourself to become pregnant four times in the space of seven years.

It's not easy to have an abortion when you've told people that you're pregnant - your children know and your mother will be looking forward to another grandchild. You will have to tell them you've had an abortion or lie and say you miscarried, and both could leave you with a heavy burden to carry. I would have told no-one except the baby's father had I been in such a situation.

Ultimately it's your decision and yours alone but be prepared for a lot of upset.

Is any of the following remotely possible?

1. Partner returns to working close by, albeit with pay-cut
2. You find a place to rent with a garden
3. You use your savings on counselling and for childcare whilst you get back into the workplace

@Sleepyhead19 this is how I felt, like it's too late to do anything because its not an abstract pregnancy anymore; it's a real live baby that'll be here soon

OP could you rent to where dh is working now so he can get home every night?

Sorry if I've missed your response, but are you currently receiving medical help for your depression- AD's or CBT? If not, please go back to your doctor ASAP and request help. Addressing your MH is your first priority and please don't be worried about medication side-effects, etc. at this stage, just get some help.

I agree with PP's that you're not currently in a good place to have another child but I don't think you can make a final decision until you've got help for your MH, it's dominating everything ATM.

Re. Career prospects. You've had to give up one opportunity but this isn't the end of things by any means, there'll be others. Get well first.

If anyone asks, you say 'unfortunately I couldn't keep the baby' . That way no one knows whether you had an abortion for personal reasons, fetal abnormality etc etc
You can even say 'for health reasons I couldn't keep the baby' . End of.

@ThreeLittleDots
1.) He signed a contract so he is stuck there for years, we knew there would be some staying away but apparently business has boomed and he is needed far and wide and... he couldn't quit even if he wanted to.

We could privately rent but it is extremely expensive in our area and we'd only just manage even with the extra he's on now. Plus eve though its a bad area we are in now, we have put up with it for so long to get to the point where we can actually look for houses it'd be a waste of effort.

It's not just my savings and we are saving for a purpose for our children to have a garden, plus we would be free from our lawless neighbours quicker if we just went ahead with the house.
I earned £0 of the savings, I just put away the child benefit and tax credits I received.

I will look into therapy if it isn't too expensive. We could probably afford childcare for a partime 'any' job just to get me out of the house when we do buy a house because the mortgage payments will be approximately less than the rent we are paying now and also, we can use the money we are currently saving. I never thought of that before. Maybe it isn't an all or nothing after all.
I hadn't considered the money that we are putting away for the deposit that will be free when the deposit is actually used.

@LochJessMonster That is amazing! it's not lying and sympathy grabbing and it isn't true either.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 Can you take anti depressants when pregnant? I was advised not to take them when I was breast feeding. Plus my old doctor told me that Ill be fine as long as i have a boyfriend. [what an idiot face please]
If I could just get out of the bad feelings I feel like I could make a better decision. I don't want to abort and be racked with guilt. but i also dont want to go ahead and feel guilty for stretching myself so thinly.

@Waveysnail he works all over so not just one location

I don't know about AD's and pregnancy, ask your doctor.

Your old doctor sounds rubbish, poor you.

It does sound like moving house is a great step, no wonder you are miserable living somewhere like that. Don't hang all your hopes on it though, you are still depressed and although moving house will help it won't be a magic cure-all. There's lots of good advice on here, good luck whatever you decide to do.