Need to talk to someone - deeply unhappy, not depressed?

[LeonardHatred]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this as I don't think it's mental health issue in the traditional sense. I'm hoping someone can relate or has some advice but if someone has come through this I don't think they'd be on the mental health board, so Chat it is...

Basically, I'm sort of suicidal. I'm not actively about to do anything, but I've been weighing it up for a number of years. Its a case of everyday life being too painful and difficult to carry on.

The problem with this is that it's not really recognised by the mental health system/psychiatry - suicide is expected to a be a fairly sudden, irrational thing. It's viewed as attention-seeking to be suicidal in an ongoing way/seeking help for such - assumed you don't mean it etc.

The other problem is that it psychiatry actually can't fix this, even if they wanted to. My feelings result from my circumstances, and to some extent past experiences (although the latter can be addressed). I'm really hoping someone can understand and not just tell me to see my GP.

I know from experience that I feel an awful lot better when I feel I belong - a very rare experience for me. It's a basic human need to belong - part of our nature, and causes problems when people are isolated. I have spent most of my life looking for a place I belong and not found it. As I get older (I'm mid 30s) this is harder, as people "belong" in their families and do not have the same close knit friendships of their 20s. I do not have a family (that hurts too).

I have had bad life experiences, and been very alone dealing with them. I think I am strong to have got this far. However, I think it means I have an even greater need to belong now.

Actually, I feel like things have been so bad that I need to be really loved to be ok now. I thought this before, but assumed it wouldnt happen. Then I had the experience of being with a wonderful man for just under a year. Kind, thoughtful, gentle and loving. It really did something to me. Healing. (I'd never experienced these feelings/a nice bf before.)
But the incredible feeling of being safe, loved wanted, belonging.

It's gone. It's been 2 months and I'm no closer to coping without that. Or rather, I cope, but I'm so very, very aware of the strength and hope his love gave me, and with my life, my struggles, I don't see how I can actually fulfil my potential or be happy without that.

Perhap I should have mentioned before, that around 2 years ago I told myself I would wait one more year before ending my life. Realy throw myself extra hard into anything that might help (I already lived in a way of trying to improve things), trying to make new friends, etc.

I had a funny feeling there was going to be a surprise. Never would have imagined the way he appeared out of the blue and I unexpectedly fell in love with him. But yeh.

I dont want to sound like I think everyone needs a man. I don't think like that, have always been independent and single is my default setting. I've always found it annoying and think it's unhelpful for society the way people couple off and the singles get left out.

However, I just don't actually see for me personally, in my circumstances, a way to be ok and fulfil my potential without the healing support of the love one gets in a healthy close relationship. It's really irritating becuase it's not something I can work on and fix - I need seriously good luck!

I should also mention that I was diagnosed with autism last year (I pushed for assessment). I'm really on the edge of things - I pass as neurotypical. I can read subtle body language. (It's the WHY not the WHAT that confuses me!) I can work my way around the room chatting to almost anyone - superficially able socially. But I never quite belong. I love making people laugh and humour is a big thing for me, not apparent in this post I admit.

I've been through a lot due to undiagnosed autism and therefore being misunderstood by the mental health services I repeatedly sought help from. I haven't had a job for years, currently I study part-time online (psych degree, ironically...). I have friends but not a lot and either I can't be honest with them or they wouldn't understand. I've learnt to have fairly superficial friendships in order not to scare people off. I'm still friends with my ex and he is the one exception to all this (weirdly he is similar but has closer friends dotted round country). I feel I've lost eveything I once hoped for in my life but the experiece of being properly loved showed me I could do much more when loved and supported.

Im sorry this is so long, just really hoping I've missed something, or someone can relate and has got out of this state.

Just to say I don't have much advice and hope someone does but i am sorry you're so low and just wanted to send you some solidarity as I understand the drawn out weighing up. In fact you've kind of articulated it better than I ever have.

I just want to say I sort of get it and feel similar at times. You write so well and very articulate, your writing could probably help others and it touched me so you do belong you just don't know where yet. Maybe keep writing and posting on here maybe its therapeutic and will make u feel better. I hope so.

OP I think a key is to keep hope alive - even it is a very dim light at the end of a tunnel and even if it is irrational and possibly a fantasy engage with that light. Life is challenging and unfortunately you have definitely had more than your fair share of hardship … but you found and created something amazing in your previous relationship. I am happy that you are still friends. You never know what is around for the corner for you. Reading your post I get the sense that you are too isolated - can you find some way of connecting more with people? When you talk about achieving more with your ex I think that makes sense, together you helped each other grow. Can I ask what you feel growth of your potential looks like for you? Perhaps you can think of other external ways that can spark and be a platform that development for you too. Like @Muckycat I agree that you have articulated yourself beautifully - do you think you have potential as a writer? If so, in order not to be too isolated when writing can you join a writing group? Does your online degree every have meet ups?

I've come to a similar conclusion, that I'm just happier with someone. Sure I can do single but it's the little things.

Diagnoses and our past don't need to define us : ) Also remember the couples who look happy on the outside also have struggles and woes.

It's difficult to look back when you are stressed and upset. The brain wants to look to the past for answers but the waters are muddied with emotions of the present Its only been two months, with more distance you will feel better. Are there any passions you loved in the past you could get back to?

There's a reason for craving connection - connection releases oxytocin which makes us feel better. What about things like joining a choir, a book group, volunteering? Also exercise and vitamin D help. Focus on your own needs for a while, self care etc : )

Also would it help to go along to a group of people recently diagnosed with autism? I am recently diagnosed with ADHD and I've joined a few online groups but I think in the long run I will start to pop along to a support group once or twice a year. I've also signed up for some therapy/coaching, all in the name of investing in me :)

Best wishes

OP your situation is SO similar to mine - with some peripheral differences - please feel free to PM me any time.

I'm trying to wade through a difficult time as I had a relationship from 2010 - 2014 which didn't end suddenly its tailed off gradually. I feel lost without him and got guilt feelings that I took him for granted. I've been struggling to find a sense of purpose

Back in November 2008 I seriously thought I had only 4 month to live. If that had been the case I would have been dead since March 2009! So I'm telling myself now that I'm in a better situation compared to November 2008 - I'm going to strive to improve my circumstances for the next 4 months and see what happens. Just an idea

I totally agree with what pp have said - keep hope alive!! I'm holding your hand metaphorically OP!!

I'm not going to lie, life is much easier when you know someone loves you unconditionally and always has your back. But that doesn't mean life is worthless when you don't.

I'm guessing that your previous experiences have left you feeling like you don't matter, that you are of no value to anyone - and because of that you don't believe that you are of value to yourself.

Firstly please see your GP. Anti depressants aren't a magic bullet, and you probably feel there's no point, that no-one and nothing can help. But they do help to lift that awful darkness, so that you can start to see that you are worth it, and start to do some positive things to help you feel better.

Secondly look into counselling. Try to find a therapist who adopts a person centred, rather than a CBT approach. It comes across very clearly in your OP that you've been badly damaged by your past, and that you haven't found a way to explore those issues and the hurt you feel. A therapist can't take the place of a partner, but by being empathic and non judgmental they can give you a safe space in which you can go into your darkest corners knowing that you'll be supported. In the end, as you've discovered, the security of having someone else around is really only a prop, something that allows you to feel valued for the time being. To really heal, you need to be able to accept yourself, to recognise that you have value just for being you, and that your past doesn't have to define you forever. Only then will you be able to give yourself the recognition you deserve. Self worth is very fragile, but so important to good mental health.

And the last thing I'm going to suggest might sound trite, but could you get a dog as a pet? The love and loyalty they show is unconditional, so they give you both a sense of value, and a sense of purpose. Have a look at this thread - coincidentally posted only recently www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3727905-To-ask-you-not-to-forget-this-about-your-dog. And walking a dog is great for meeting other dog walkers and getting to chat with the ones you see regularly.

I hope that in time you can start to get that feeling that you 'belong'. Sometimes it takes a while to find your niche, but it can be done. But it won't just happen. You will need to be proactive rather than relying on luck. You can make this happen, believe in yourself that you have the strength to do so, and start with baby steps.

I have spent my life being proactive about this and trying to find places I belong. Joining groups etc. There's a hobby I do now that involves others, nice company.

It's not the same as having proper close friends and really belonging though.

I dont need others to love me to think I'm worth something (I used to but I've learnt and worked on myself, had therapy etc). But it doesn't matter how I feel about myself, if the problem is that life is difficult because I don't belong. I could think I was the most brilliant person on the planet but I'd still be lonely and thus sad.

I'm sorry but it's very frustrating that people seem to think I've not tried. Trying to make new friends and so on has been consciously part of my life since I left home at 18. i've always thought deeply about things, and had an attitude of problem-solving and making do. But I've repeatedly, endlessly tried all the usual suggestions and they haven't worked.

I basically need a miracle, a massive stroke of luck, for things to be ok. I just wanted someone to understand.

The other thing is that I can't DO any more now. I'm struggling to manage what I'm doing already.

But this is part of my original point - when I was loved it gave me the energy and mental strength to cope better, and thus get more done.

Thank you everyone for being nice about it though x

I feel the same regarding belonging.

I always think about traditional societies and how much better that would have been for everyone in terms of belonging. You belonged to your village, your community, your role and standing in life was set, and that was that.

In this modern world it's so strange because you can go anywhere, do anything. Which is great in a way but also comes with the issue of being lost and not belonging anywhere.

I've worked on my self esteem and now value myself. But I am not part of a community in any meaningful way, and I yearn for it. I think we're hardwired to belong, and the modern way of living is so unnatural it causes us all kind of suffering emotionally.

There, if your parents didn't love you, it didn't matter. Everyone in the village was called mum and dad, and you'd get love from somewhere. If someone couldn't work because of sickness, it didn't matter. Everyone would give you everything you needed and provide for you until you were well again.

I am trying to build community around me, a real 'family'. I have my DP and DD but I don't believe in the nuclear family. It is a great source of suffering and pressure, particularly for women, as researchers have found.

But it's not easy at all. It's very counter cultural to be so deeply involved in other people's lives that are not your family, particularly in England, where people are very private and reserved generally.

I have no answers for you but I get it.

I SO relate to everything you're saying especially about coping better when loved .

Just as an aside - a VERY good thing happened to me in 2010 I thought would NEVER happen in my lifetime. Keep striving and believing OP!!

And going to the GP is the LAST thing I'd suggest - I can see this is to do with life events and NOT an illness of any kind!!

When I was very low over a year ago, I went to the GP (basically to get my stress officially recognised) and he told me there was no magic pill that could take away the evil bitch stress I was under, but changing my job was going to help me more. (Did it, and things are vastly better).
What I'm trying to say is that if you don't like your life very much, then what can you change about it? And I do not mean end it! - please take that off the menu for now.
If nothing else, can you make sure you get outside to a walk every day, ideally with a dog? Can you have a pet dog / cat / hamster / goldfish? Or start planning a bit of garden / window box / windowsill - what are you going to grow?
Maybe your big purpose has not shown itself yet.

I'm very similar to you @LeonardHatred and posted about it (not in as much detail as you) but it got taken down. Something to do with mental health guidelines. It wasn't helpful.

I really resonate with your post, OP.

There's a recognised distinction between sucidal thoughts and actively wanting to die; it sounds like you are seeking relief from the pain you're in, and feeling hopeless that things will improve. Anyone would feel the same.

It's so frustrating when we try so hard to improve our lives but feel nothing is working. Whereabouts are you in the world, OP?

Is it ok to ask if you've looked into the spiritual side of things?

True, there's nothing like love with skin on, we [feel we] need it like air. But some of us haven't had that, desire great efforts, so what then? For me, the spiritual aspect goes some considerable way to alleviating chronic aloneness - by nurturing an acute sense of universal belonging; and with that a real sense of being loved. I have to plug into it though or I revert to my unloved/unconnected default.

Re comparison being the thief of joy: we all have a particular stamp and it's easy to think our stamp is 'wrong' - because it doesn't get us what we want. How wonderful it seems to be mainstream. However attractive, I know it would bore me to a quite literal death - I know it because it's not who I am. I doubt many are tbf.

However, being, or feeling, alone and unloved is an acutely painful thing, regardless where it may originate. I'm not trying to distract you from the pain of it or convince you it's a trick of perception, because it isn't. You have rich character and depth - how lovely, my kind of thing - and I know that has come about through suffering. I recognise that suffering if that's an ok thing to say. Perhaps you could think about who could belong to you rather than to whom you belong? Who has what it takes to join your (glorious) club.

I second your gifts as a writer - you are an expert observer: crucial for a writer, an innate gift, which you have.

*despite great efforts

I understand

I have felt like this most of the time since I was 16, with brief respite for various reasons. I'm now 64.

I am not actively suicidal most of the time. I have been but when I was I had responsibilities that I wouldn't shirk.

My safety net is knowing how I will do it. It's there, it's doable and it's a safety net AND having that safety net means it is not imminent.

My life now is alone and boring but (relatively) easy and I am luckily healthy. I've lived over 40 years feeling like this so I'm sure I can cope with a few more years. Having got through everything I have I don't see the point in upsetting people (it wouldn't change anyone's life on a day to day basis)

Currently just hoping that when I become less fit, in pain or get dementia I will still be able to put the plan into action.

It was very clear in your first post that you have tried and are trying all the usual “get out there and engage” type suggestions, OP. I really empathise.

Any reason you don't have a job? I struggled to stay in a job but over time (10 years of painful mistakes!) I got better at "workplace norms". Most of the time I'm now able to keep solid boundaries with a work persona and my job is actually a key part of keeping me on an even keel. It gives me a focus for my busy brain to problem solve and also basic social contact that doesn't demand too much of me. I don't glamorise it, I'm aware on one level my job is bullshit but earning money feels good and as I say it does keep my brain busy so I've less tendency to fall into negative thoughts. There is a link between paid employment and mental health, all things being equal, i.e. the job not causing stress or MH issues!

I understand a little of what you feel.
I have never fitted in.
Suicide is never far from my thoughts.
My pet keeps me going, could that help you?

Excuse me if you don't agree but- I think quite a lot of people feel like this. I've never lived for any enjoyment I personally feel, but for my connections with other people- not that they are always positive. My relationships have been relentlessly hard and unfulfilling, although my adult sons are now a joy.

I've found purpose in a kind of 'making myself useful' kind of way. I matter to my wider community, as well as my family. It's not a warm and fuzzy feeling though- it's all fairly impersonal.

I do love my dog, and he's pretty fond of me! My next stage of life is going to revolve around volunteering with animals. Much easier than people!

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses, especially springydaff - Who has what it takes to join your (glorious) club

A lot of food for thought there.

Also quite pleased /surprised about suggestions to write. I write a little, but lack focus. It would be good to come up with a project to work on.

Preggosaurus - I don't have a job becuase I would always end up breaking down at work (meltdown) and being signed off sick. Classic pattern for undiagnosed autism! My last job ended after they kept messing around with the timetable and I just couldn't cope with it. Unfortunately all this stuff is harder nowadays with zero-hours contracts, being expected to be available all the time, etc.
I do now have a qualification for a better job but I would be working largely alone!! (Got this whilst with lovely ex). At present I have enough on my plate, though I hope to work again.

I think the social side of work is interesting. I've usually found work interaction to be a drain on my coping resources, whilst socialising with friends replenishes those resources. But it does depend on the job and colleagues! Some team type jobs might feel more rewarding in that way. Also demographic of colleagues might matter, even if we're not supposed to admit it... I was shocked when a colleague once expressed surprise at my job, "But you're middle class! This is a working class job!" But she was nail on head about why I felt like an alien in most jobs, despite nice colleagues.