Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this as I don't think it's mental health issue in the traditional sense. I'm hoping someone can relate or has some advice but if someone has come through this I don't think they'd be on the mental health board, so Chat it is...
Basically, I'm sort of suicidal. I'm not actively about to do anything, but I've been weighing it up for a number of years. Its a case of everyday life being too painful and difficult to carry on.
The problem with this is that it's not really recognised by the mental health system/psychiatry - suicide is expected to a be a fairly sudden, irrational thing. It's viewed as attention-seeking to be suicidal in an ongoing way/seeking help for such - assumed you don't mean it etc.
The other problem is that it psychiatry actually can't fix this, even if they wanted to. My feelings result from my circumstances, and to some extent past experiences (although the latter can be addressed). I'm really hoping someone can understand and not just tell me to see my GP.
I know from experience that I feel an awful lot better when I feel I belong - a very rare experience for me. It's a basic human need to belong - part of our nature, and causes problems when people are isolated. I have spent most of my life looking for a place I belong and not found it. As I get older (I'm mid 30s) this is harder, as people "belong" in their families and do not have the same close knit friendships of their 20s. I do not have a family (that hurts too).
I have had bad life experiences, and been very alone dealing with them. I think I am strong to have got this far. However, I think it means I have an even greater need to belong now.
Actually, I feel like things have been so bad that I need to be really loved to be ok now. I thought this before, but assumed it wouldnt happen. Then I had the experience of being with a wonderful man for just under a year. Kind, thoughtful, gentle and loving. It really did something to me. Healing. (I'd never experienced these feelings/a nice bf before.)
But the incredible feeling of being safe, loved wanted, belonging.
It's gone. It's been 2 months and I'm no closer to coping without that. Or rather, I cope, but I'm so very, very aware of the strength and hope his love gave me, and with my life, my struggles, I don't see how I can actually fulfil my potential or be happy without that.
Perhap I should have mentioned before, that around 2 years ago I told myself I would wait one more year before ending my life. Realy throw myself extra hard into anything that might help (I already lived in a way of trying to improve things), trying to make new friends, etc.
I had a funny feeling there was going to be a surprise. Never would have imagined the way he appeared out of the blue and I unexpectedly fell in love with him. But yeh.
I dont want to sound like I think everyone needs a man. I don't think like that, have always been independent and single is my default setting. I've always found it annoying and think it's unhelpful for society the way people couple off and the singles get left out.
However, I just don't actually see for me personally, in my circumstances, a way to be ok and fulfil my potential without the healing support of the love one gets in a healthy close relationship. It's really irritating becuase it's not something I can work on and fix - I need seriously good luck!
I should also mention that I was diagnosed with autism last year (I pushed for assessment). I'm really on the edge of things - I pass as neurotypical. I can read subtle body language. (It's the WHY not the WHAT that confuses me!) I can work my way around the room chatting to almost anyone - superficially able socially. But I never quite belong. I love making people laugh and humour is a big thing for me, not apparent in this post I admit.
I've been through a lot due to undiagnosed autism and therefore being misunderstood by the mental health services I repeatedly sought help from. I haven't had a job for years, currently I study part-time online (psych degree, ironically...). I have friends but not a lot and either I can't be honest with them or they wouldn't understand. I've learnt to have fairly superficial friendships in order not to scare people off. I'm still friends with my ex and he is the one exception to all this (weirdly he is similar but has closer friends dotted round country). I feel I've lost eveything I once hoped for in my life but the experiece of being properly loved showed me I could do much more when loved and supported.
Im sorry this is so long, just really hoping I've missed something, or someone can relate and has got out of this state.