Need to talk to someone - deeply unhappy, not depressed?

[LeonardHatred]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to post this as I don't think it's mental health issue in the traditional sense. I'm hoping someone can relate or has some advice but if someone has come through this I don't think they'd be on the mental health board, so Chat it is...

Basically, I'm sort of suicidal. I'm not actively about to do anything, but I've been weighing it up for a number of years. Its a case of everyday life being too painful and difficult to carry on.

The problem with this is that it's not really recognised by the mental health system/psychiatry - suicide is expected to a be a fairly sudden, irrational thing. It's viewed as attention-seeking to be suicidal in an ongoing way/seeking help for such - assumed you don't mean it etc.

The other problem is that it psychiatry actually can't fix this, even if they wanted to. My feelings result from my circumstances, and to some extent past experiences (although the latter can be addressed). I'm really hoping someone can understand and not just tell me to see my GP.

I know from experience that I feel an awful lot better when I feel I belong - a very rare experience for me. It's a basic human need to belong - part of our nature, and causes problems when people are isolated. I have spent most of my life looking for a place I belong and not found it. As I get older (I'm mid 30s) this is harder, as people "belong" in their families and do not have the same close knit friendships of their 20s. I do not have a family (that hurts too).

I have had bad life experiences, and been very alone dealing with them. I think I am strong to have got this far. However, I think it means I have an even greater need to belong now.

Actually, I feel like things have been so bad that I need to be really loved to be ok now. I thought this before, but assumed it wouldnt happen. Then I had the experience of being with a wonderful man for just under a year. Kind, thoughtful, gentle and loving. It really did something to me. Healing. (I'd never experienced these feelings/a nice bf before.)
But the incredible feeling of being safe, loved wanted, belonging.

It's gone. It's been 2 months and I'm no closer to coping without that. Or rather, I cope, but I'm so very, very aware of the strength and hope his love gave me, and with my life, my struggles, I don't see how I can actually fulfil my potential or be happy without that.

Perhap I should have mentioned before, that around 2 years ago I told myself I would wait one more year before ending my life. Realy throw myself extra hard into anything that might help (I already lived in a way of trying to improve things), trying to make new friends, etc.

I had a funny feeling there was going to be a surprise. Never would have imagined the way he appeared out of the blue and I unexpectedly fell in love with him. But yeh.

I dont want to sound like I think everyone needs a man. I don't think like that, have always been independent and single is my default setting. I've always found it annoying and think it's unhelpful for society the way people couple off and the singles get left out.

However, I just don't actually see for me personally, in my circumstances, a way to be ok and fulfil my potential without the healing support of the love one gets in a healthy close relationship. It's really irritating becuase it's not something I can work on and fix - I need seriously good luck!

I should also mention that I was diagnosed with autism last year (I pushed for assessment). I'm really on the edge of things - I pass as neurotypical. I can read subtle body language. (It's the WHY not the WHAT that confuses me!) I can work my way around the room chatting to almost anyone - superficially able socially. But I never quite belong. I love making people laugh and humour is a big thing for me, not apparent in this post I admit.

I've been through a lot due to undiagnosed autism and therefore being misunderstood by the mental health services I repeatedly sought help from. I haven't had a job for years, currently I study part-time online (psych degree, ironically...). I have friends but not a lot and either I can't be honest with them or they wouldn't understand. I've learnt to have fairly superficial friendships in order not to scare people off. I'm still friends with my ex and he is the one exception to all this (weirdly he is similar but has closer friends dotted round country). I feel I've lost eveything I once hoped for in my life but the experiece of being properly loved showed me I could do much more when loved and supported.

Im sorry this is so long, just really hoping I've missed something, or someone can relate and has got out of this state.

I have spoken to the Samaritans etc. before.
For me personally, I haven't found it helpful. Talking to strangers here helps a little because people can relate, but with the Samaritans its like they're from another universe. Difficult to explain what I mean. Also the impersonal aspect - can make me feel more alone that I don't have someone who actually knows me to talk to.

Sorry, not trying to be negative, but find this weird.

Bit annoyed/upset this got moved from chat. Less likely to be seen by people who don't buy into the medical model of mental distress.

Anyway. I have flu now so the mentalness is taking a back seat! Change of illness, haha

Ps. Thanks for the thoughtful words, peardrops x

I used to think, back in the day, that I wasn't mentality ill but emotionally ill. And no wonder, with my history. I now realise they're one and the same up to a point.

I know I'm emotionally vulnerable and I have to take care of myself - it's a fine point before, very early on, I can tip into mental illness. I suppose bcs emotionally I'm just too fragile and don't have the structure beneath me to keep me safe. I'm not the only one - plenty of us about, to varying degrees.

Have you not noticed the big push to get mental illness accepted as normal, practically the norm? We all have mental health just as we all have physical health. If you're thinking of suicide then you're mentality unwell - ill - regardless how you got there. There's no shame in it - you may as well feel shame for getting a cold. It's that common.

A sense of profound aloneness is a symptom of mental ill health - and a sense of profound aloneness can cause mental ill health. Chicken/egg.

Your thread is in the right place, Leonard. Join the club lovely 💐

How are you feeling today, Leonard?

springy

I don't feel shame in it.
What I do find is that labelling life issues "mental health" obscures the root cause of the issues, and encourages people to think you should be medicated for your circumstances. Completely individual focus ignoring context.
I'm very anti-psychiatry after the awful experiences I've had, and don't find it helpful to have everything framed as a personal issue I could get over if only I had enough confidence or whatever.

I'm sorry you had appalling experiences with psychiatry. I'm not surprised.

I manage my mental/emotional health in a myriad ways, some medical at the moment. Ime you have to carve out your own recovery in any way you can. I've had a lot of therapy, don't want any more - but may. Over the years I've read books, done courses and joined many and varied support groups. I especially nurture the spiritual, not least to give context to the human experience. But I also especially nurture the emotional and the mental/intellectual. I'm a bit crap at the physical but I do my best, not least bcs physical exercise is the best anti-depressant on the planet (and doesn't take 6 weeks to kick in!). There is no end of ways I manage my wellbeing.

Not always successfully, mind. But I do my best. I can't coast, that's just not an option. I don't make a deal of it but it's just an integral part of my life: keeping myself as safe as I can - without limiting my life more than it already is. It's a fine balance. You get better with practise.

Acceptance is the big one I strive for 🌺