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Mental health

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Original poster

I make men want to hit me.

65 replies

sonotsaying · 13/08/2007 11:39

The only two men I have ever lived with, my father and my ex, have hit me. Neither of them have ever hit anyone else.

I made them want to hit me, I don't know what I do, but I do, and then they have to live with the guilt that they hit a woman for their whole lives. My ex was apparently a good man, he was good to everyone else, he is good to his kids, he was good to his exes, so it must MUST be something I did. My father never hit my mother, brother, sister, he only hit me. So it MUST be something I did.

And all the women's aid in the world isn't going to convince me otherwise. I caused this, I caused this upset in my children's lives by being immenentlt hittable. If I hadn't done something to make him want to hit me, he would still live here, he would be happy, the kids would be happy, and probably I would be a lot happier.

OP posts:

KnickersInABreadmaker · 14/08/2007 00:26

If someone lives with you, no matter how you act, they will figure out if you have low self-esteem.
Dh and I row sometimes ( like everyone else) I am sure sometimes he wants to hit me but he never does.
Your father may not have hit your mother but she was definitely under his control in some way. And I'll bet he did hit her, when you weren't looking.
Your father failed you, your mother failed you, your ex failed you.
You may not be perfect, you may cause tension in relationships but you did not, did not make anyone hit you!

madamez · 14/08/2007 00:34

SNS: people like your XP, PREDATORS, have a way of detecting vulnerability and playing on it. It's their fault, not yours. ANyone who resorts to physical violence in an argument has lost the argument and is in the wrong.
FWIW, a girl I knew some years ago had been beaten by her father and by her 3 subsequent partners. She then began dating a male friend of mine, who, after a while, left her. I ran into him some time later and we talked about it: he said that she would pretty much try to provoke him into hitting her. He didn't want to hit her, so he ended the relationship which is, OK, a bit cowardly perhaps, he could have stayed with her and tried to help her deal with her emotional issues (it seemed, to me as well, that her viewpoint had been so distorted that she thought someone had to hit her to show they cared about her) - but he had the choice and he chose not to hit her. Most people and indeed probably most men do not hit people to control them or shut them up.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please carry on with your counselling, and best of luck.

j20baby · 14/08/2007 00:42

hmm thats a point madame, think i have tried to provoke partners to hit me, just to see if they would, usually when i've been drunk

StarryStarryNight · 14/08/2007 00:47

SNS, I am like you.

I can never drop a subject. Even when my DH asks me to please stop. Not even when there is nothing more to say.

Sometimes I infuriate my DH. However, he has never hit me. AND he is also a hot tempered man. What does he do, then, when I push him to the limit? He says: "Oh my God, I have to go for a jog." And off he goes. He feels the fury. He goes jogging. Then he comes back, and we can talk. Not row. Talk.

I am glad you have walked away from this man. No matter how much you provoke, you should not be hit.

Original poster

sonotsaying · 15/08/2007 09:15

have been thinking about this a little more - and yes, I want to be hit. I want the row to come to a violent end. I don't feel like I have had my say until I have been slapped.

How f..ck..ed up is that? I am staying away from relationships until I have this one pegged.

OP posts:

j20baby · 15/08/2007 11:02

why do you think that is? do you think its not final until the violence has happened? maybe you should print this thread off for when you see your counsellor in Sep. i'm sure that counselling will help you, even to be able to judge for yourself when to walk away from an argument, life is a learning curve..etc

Quattrocento · 15/08/2007 11:02

NO YOU DO NOT

mistypeaks · 15/08/2007 11:17

My DH is a VERY passionate bloke. He gets angry about certain things (very hot headed indeed). I AM VERY irritating. I don't let things drop. I am also passionate and firey. Consequently we on occasion have mammoth rows. He has never raised his hand to me though. i have on occasion goaded him during a row for a reaction as I was so furious and like you say sonotsaying wanted to bring it all to a head. He still never raises a hand to me . He walks out, goes for a walk or sits in the park like an angry tarmp or something. That is his choice. Hitting someone is a choice. Its not your fault.

jakethecake · 16/08/2007 08:02

hi every1 i am new on her and not sure of how it works yet so bear with me..

no 1 makes a man hit them...

i was hit by my partner and always blamed myself but i kicked him out and started to get over it we still saw each other on a regular basis and started to get on well..

and after a while we sat and chatted about things that went on and we worked out it was him but we carried on seeing each other and after some time we got back together and we got some help from a councilor and now we have been happily married for 5 years and he has never contemplated hitting and it has never crossed his mind we have had our arguments but now we just sit and talk it out which has worked wonders

pagwatch · 16/08/2007 08:50

sonotsaying

I read your last post and I'm sorry but you are still wrong- really wrong. You could goad and rile and wind up my husband. You could spit at him or hit him or throw things at him and he would still not hit you back. He is an ordinary man, a rubgy player and he has a temper. But he will not hit a woman. There are many men like him. I am not an easy person and I have never been hit.
You are not the reason they hit. THEY are the reason they hit.
You need to find out why you were attracted to a man that would hit a woman ( and you did not make him like that, that is a little absurd and actually a little egotistical) and you need to find out why you wish to make them angry.
When I argue with DH I don't wish to make him angry- i love him! Anger is not passion. You need to find out why you need to be in such a state of tension and anger.
If I were you I would get some help about that.
But the men need to get help about their hitting. It is their choice not yours.

kayjayel · 16/08/2007 09:21

Hi SNS. I'm so sorry you've not only been hit and hurt by people, but that now you have such deep dark upset and self-doubt. Completely agree with everyone else that your dad and partner have to take the responsibility to hit you, no matter how much you might have wound them up.

But if no amount of reassurance can help then do consider looking into a specific therapy that will help you think about relationships - Cognitive Analytic Therapy specifically focuses on the relationships between people. For instance a person I know always ended up in friendships where she was the 'carer' and gave a lot, and then got depressed when she didn't get support from her very needy friends. The CAT helped her think about why she found it easier to be friends with some people than others, and work through testing out new ways of being with people. Your own counsellor might know about it, or your GP might be able to refer you, but it is a scarce resource, I Just wanted to let you know if you were interested about a therapy that might be more specifically geared to your worries.

Really hope that you've got some hope and reassurance from the posts here - and I also think admitting these awful fears is incredibly brave. Good luck.

jakethecake · 16/08/2007 16:44

further to my post!!

firstly he needs to admit the problem to him self and address it.. does your ex know or have any idea if he has or not? its the hardest part knowing you have a problem because you cant see these things if they are happening to you? for example a alcoholic will insist they are not adicted to but when they look deep inside themselves they can see it which is a big step to admit to yourself.. once they have done that they can work on getting themselves sorted out..

it wasnt my fault that he hit it was his and after some time he realised he had a problem and got some help and now he is a wonderful partner and person.. and we are so happy together now that i am glad we sorted all our mishaps out...

Martha200 · 08/09/2007 23:33

This is NOT your fault that they hit you. They were/are responsible for what they do with their hands.

If you were to take a step back and had read a post by someone else who had posted something similar to what you have, would you be telling the member it was her fault?
Think about this carefully and if the answer is No, try and apply this reasoning to your situation.

(sorry not more helpful than this, but just caught this before I logged off for some much needed sleep and I do agree with what a lot of other members say.)

You need to find your self worth again.. this really is NOT your fault.

chocabloc · 08/09/2007 23:49

so not you would not be happier if he baet you to death, u must be realistic, u will come to terms with it! its healthier for the kids and for you taht hes not around, how would u feel if he did beat ur kids! ITS NOT UR FAULT, BEING HITTABLE IS NOT A WORD! i thre my ex out before he came too physically violent, i assume he has tapped into your mental side! (emotional abuse) if u want to chat on msn if u have it let me know and ill give u my addy! thinking of u! big hugs! xx

mummytojess · 09/09/2007 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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