I make men want to hit me.

[sonotsaying]

The only two men I have ever lived with, my father and my ex, have hit me. Neither of them have ever hit anyone else.

I made them want to hit me, I don't know what I do, but I do, and then they have to live with the guilt that they hit a woman for their whole lives. My ex was apparently a good man, he was good to everyone else, he is good to his kids, he was good to his exes, so it must MUST be something I did. My father never hit my mother, brother, sister, he only hit me. So it MUST be something I did.

And all the women's aid in the world isn't going to convince me otherwise. I caused this, I caused this upset in my children's lives by being immenentlt hittable. If I hadn't done something to make him want to hit me, he would still live here, he would be happy, the kids would be happy, and probably I would be a lot happier.

No he never ever ever hit me unless I had been rowing with him. And now he doesn't live here any more, I have no reason to row.

He only ever hit me when I wouldn't drop a subject after he wanted it to be dropped - and this is not an excuse for this, just an explaination of why I am in no danger. I don't need to row with him - he's not involved with me any more.

I don't want to see my gp, what on earth could I say? "Hi, men keep hitting me and my self esteem is dragging on the floor, what do you suggest?"

Persephone, please please don't worry, I have never cowered in fear and silence ... maybe if I had been a bit more respectful of people's limits I would never have found myself being hit in the first place? I don't know. But I know he won't ever cause any trouble for me.

Yes SNS, say exactly that to your GP! Plus the other stuff you've said on here. Because that low-self esteem is something that is important and that you can be helped with.

woman's aid is a wonderful thing. and its very common for the abused to blame themselves. i would seriously think about seeing your GP about this. they may be able to help out with some counselling or other recommendations.

I don't know about the thing with my mum, certainly she never felt that my dad hitting me was a problem.

i have had screaming fits at her about why she didn't stop him, why she allowed him to take his temper out on a teenaged girl, but I don't get any answers out of her, only tears, and to be honest I know the answer - she never thought he was doing anything that bad, certainly not bad enough for her to leave her home and security behind.

perhaps your mom is/was abused as well?

I think you sound like you would really benefit from some more counselling - as you're not living with your ex, you're at a point where you have space to think things through. Could the childcare problem now be solved by him having the children while you go?

GP is logical first step - all you need to say is that you'd like to pick back up on the sessions you were having before. As anger management actually does play into this too - as one key area is for you to find other ways of acting when you are upset. (PS this is petty, but when dh & I feel we are starting to go head to head about something we have a mantra - we both say "We don't have to decide right now.")

Listen to yourself, SNS. You did mind being hit. You did think it was wrong, and you did think someone else was to blame, not you. Your dad for "taking his temper out on a teenaged girl" and your mum for allowing it. And you're right - it wasn't your fault - they were your parents and should have been protecting you. This feeling that it's your fault is all tied up with low self-esteem and despair that is caused by the abuse. And yet your instinctive inner strength and indignation is still there. Listen to it and follow it and help yourself out of these bad feelings. Go to the GP, please, because this is hard to do on your own but it needs to be done.

sns, is he sniffing around trying to get back in your bed/good books though?

i think you're basing your ideas about all men on two men, but i also think that while you have such low self esteem regarding the kind of men you attract, you will attract those very same men.

men aside, what makes you feel good about yourself? is there anything? what do you do well? what do you enjoy doing? build on these things - get better at what you enjoy doing, see your self confidence in that area grow, then work on applying that feeling to the rest of your life.

I can't, I am scared that it really will all be my fault, that I am somehow irretrievably screwed up in the head, I am causing it, and the best thing I could possibly do is to take myself out of the equation by never being around a man again.

I don't want to hear all that. It's easier to pretend to the world that I genuinely believe nobody affects anyones behavior. How can i not affect someone's behavior? if I goad them until they are too angry to just walk out, of COURSE I am going to get him. What i should do is stop the goading, but for some reason I don't.

PS this is possibly the most pathetic thing I will ever say, but I am scared to do anything in case I fail at6 it, and feel even worse.n I have already failed my children, I have failed my relationship, I have failed my parents by not being the daughter they expected, I don't think I can bear to fail at anything else. I have pitched myself at the lowest possible achievement level I have a chioce about.

No, your paresnts failed you, and your earlier post shgows you know that. When you're pinned to the spot you say "No I can't go to the GP, I can't" because it's scary. But another part of you knows you need support, because you posted this and are still here. Think it over, sleep on it... let that part of you that wants to accept help bubble up to the surface.

btw no GP n the planet will say "Ah yes, domestic violence, I'll think you'll find that's your own fault, shut the door on your way out!" Because it isn't true. You have a distorted view because of what's happened to you.

Think about an anorexic girl. You know she's too thin, I know she's too thin, and so does her GP. And even a part of her knows it. But the anorexia has taken hold and distorted her view so that she also thinks she's fat. You thinking you're to blame is that same kind of distorted thinking, but it's cause dby the way you've been treated for so long. It can be helped and cured and you can reach out for help and get it. You may need to take your time... that's normal.

you're not very well, love. i really don't mean that in a nasty or patronising way. you do need help - you're asking us for help - or at least an opinion - thats a first step you should feel good that you've done that - however small a step it is.

But I am so functional - how can this be an illness? It's just a personality flaw in me, and I need to change it or accept that I can't have relationships.

I will call the gp and ask him for councelling but I really don't want to go down this path with DV, I have already had to speak to a social worker over the phone after ex left because the police informed them - i want no more drama of that sort, I have a real phobia of the SS because my mum told me if I kept telling peole at school 'that crap about your father' that I would be taken away by the SS and put in care where worse things would happen.

God I am such a fucking mess on the inside, I can heardly believe what goes on in my head sometimes, certainly nobody else would.

at this.
see another counsellor.
no victim of violence is to blame. Ever.

i don't think it's an illness as such, or a flaw (my anorexia analogy compared the distorted thinking, but I didn't mean to imply you can't cope at all or are incapacitated). It's an "issue" I suppose. It's something that is causing you pain and needs to be sorted out. It doesn't mean you can't function, but I'd guess it would get in the way of you having a happy relationship in the future. And for your kids, a more confident (inside), happier mum would be a good thing.

I have booked an appointment with the counceller - just did it now over the phone - and I will be seen in September.

I have been seeing her since last year and whenever she skirts on this issue I avoid her. I am so aso ashamed to say I have lied to her, haven't told her the whole picture, so I have been wasting her time too - how is she supposed to help me if she doesn't know what she is helping me with?

Thank you all, for giveng me the jab of courage I needed to do this. I will try to be honest with her.

Your posts, your confusion and pain are making me deeply , sns.

FWIW (1): My parents did not hit me, but I was very, very much my mother's scapegoat. My parents, who are nice, reasonable, moral people, quite simply cut me out of their lives (after months of what one would have to call bullying and emotional abuse) because I made a life decision they did not agree with. I have often found myself wondering something similar to you: was/is it me? Otherwise, how could these decent people who brought me up have done this? But it was not my fault (although there were certainly elements of the situation I handled badly, one way and another). I did not make them do this. They were unable to accept what my decision would mean to them. They let me down, just as your parents let you down.

FWIW (2): As far as people's limits go: I am a goader too in rows with dh - I always want a conclusion, while he gets to his limits quite quickly. I can also be incredibly unreasonable when worked up. In the past, in very difficult rows, he has been something akin to violent to me a couple of times (God, I'm brave admitting this in my usual name) BUT has learned from it. He has realised he has stepped over lines you just don't cross. I'm afraid my own argumentativeness is not much improved, but HE NOW WALKS AWAY. He knows he has to.

You cannot make someone hit you. Really you cannot. The responsibility for violence always remains with the aggressor. It makes me very sad that you are siding with these aggressors (and just because they haven't, as far as you know, done it to anyone else doesn't make them less of aggressors) by searching for the 'fault' within yourself. Please do get counselling. You need time, (emotional) space and a supportive environment to work through this.

SNS, a good counsellor will be well aware that people will try to avoid the most painful and difficult areas - that's why it takes time! You're totally normal in doing that.

Good on you for going for it - well done and good luck.

Thank you all so much for your support - I realise that if I go into a relationship with the expectation of being hit, I will either get hit or left - so I am staying out of relationships right now

sonot-i have not read all the other peoples posts, just yours and i feel the same as you in a way, i make even the most placid men want to hit me. a couple of my ex's have never hit other people they have been with, but they couldn't control themselves when i went on one at them, i feel that its because i'm quite a strong person and also wound them up. my last ex liked to see me when i was crying and all needy. maybe your dad and ex acted like that because you are a strong person. i don't really know what i'm trying to say, but you are not alone in feeling like you do, you are not a bad person, you are just having a rough time at the moment, i hope the couselling will help you x

havent had time to read the whole thread yet,but just wanted to say i felt exactly the same as you.my xp was violent throughout our 4 year relationship,and he had never hit a woman before,then when i'd finally got over it and accepted it wasnt my fault,i met xh,who seemed ok but ended up hitting me(he'd never hit a woman before either,according to him,but the ss report i read about his son from a previous relationship being taken into care said diferent).

of course,after 2 abusive relationships i concluded i brought it on myself.i had some councelling with a woman from the local DV support place who explained that these type of men are drawn to vulnerable women,or women who have low self esteem.none of them have ever hit a woman before,and many of them are 'nice' blokes with lots of mates,not typical wife beaters atall.so because they or you dont fit the stereotype(i used to go on and on a never let a subject drop as well),then its easy to believe its your fault.

but the truth is,it's NEVER right for somebody to hit someone who cant reasonably defend themself.no matter what they say,or how much they go on.

i still have times,when im feeling down,that i think i deserved what i got.it takes a very long time to get over it,and you are right to avoid relationships for a while.concentrate on building your self esteem up and learn to be happy on your own,then you will never again be a target for bullies.

But the thing is, I don't behave like I have low self esteem. I am happy, jolly, articulate and quite opinionated, and have not uttered the fatal words 'Does my bum look big in this' since 1996. I do have low self esteem, but nobody would ever know. So how are they spotting this?

i am dribbling all my insecurities out here, but IRL I don't do this at all.

i acted like a confident,outgoing,opinionated strong woman when i met my xp.i didnt feel that way inside,but thats how i behaved.but deep down i was desperate for a man,any man,to love me,and i think that must have been picked up on.

How do you know they have never hit anyone else, my xp told me it was all me, he had been an angel,first of all it was Im sorry, then it went to its strange I never did this with my exes slowly but surely telling me I was the problem, later found out he had beaten each of his girlfriends. Saying that, I came from a dysfunctional family and showed codependant tendancies, wanted to fix the world and every arsehole I could find in it. You are not causing it but you maybe putting yourself in a situation where you think you can rewrite the past.

And as for leaning on him and having him round use him as much as you need to but dont get drawn into the guilt trip, or you will be back where you started.