I make men want to hit me.

[sonotsaying]

The only two men I have ever lived with, my father and my ex, have hit me. Neither of them have ever hit anyone else.

I made them want to hit me, I don't know what I do, but I do, and then they have to live with the guilt that they hit a woman for their whole lives. My ex was apparently a good man, he was good to everyone else, he is good to his kids, he was good to his exes, so it must MUST be something I did. My father never hit my mother, brother, sister, he only hit me. So it MUST be something I did.

And all the women's aid in the world isn't going to convince me otherwise. I caused this, I caused this upset in my children's lives by being immenentlt hittable. If I hadn't done something to make him want to hit me, he would still live here, he would be happy, the kids would be happy, and probably I would be a lot happier.

It's not your fault.

Don't have time now, but will come back soon!

It's not your fault!!

sonotsaying - you might have made them angry (we all do that in our lives at some point) but it was their decision to raise their hands and hit you. Their choice - not yours.

You have to get out of the mind set that it is your fault these men hit you. IT ISN'T - it's their's. Violence is never, ever defensible.

how can it be their fault? They never hit anyone else! My dad hasn't laid hands on anyone since I left home! My ex never hit anyone before and he was 27 when I met him!

YOU DON'T MAKE MEN HIT YOU: if your father has spotted that you were less dfensible, easier to pick on, whatever, he's found a 'victim' to bully, and likewise your ex, and who says they haven't hit anyone else? Violence is seen as 'shameful' by many women, or they are too scared to speak out: your ex and father are bullies, you are not a horrible person, you never deserve to be hit.. don't ever think that. For a man to be able to single out a woman that they can be violent towards shows that they are calculating cowards who want to be 'powerful' but are sh*tty cowards who would be terrified if they were found out and despised for their acts.

I bet there are people in your life who don't hit you though. So it isn't you, it's them. Two men who have a problem because they can't prevent themselves from hitting, when a civilised person deals with anger in other ways.

It's also very common for a women who was hit by her father to end up with a man who hits her. It may be because she is unconsciously drawn to that kind of man. That doesn't make it her fault though.

Also, how do you know your ex (or your dad) never hit anyone else? Wh told you this? Either they or someone else are trying to say this to yoou to pin the blame on you. Be aware of that and shake it off - if someone hits you, you're not to blame, they are.

But neither of them was every powerful against me. I never modified what I said or did because I was scared of being hit, I never have done. I'm not scared to be hit, I am scared of being alone.

Now, I am alone, and I am being a shit by letting my ex come up every day to see the kids, knowing full well he wants to get back together, and I don't, but I just need the company and the support.

I am a fucking coward and I can't live with myself and I don't know how to make this right without breaking my children's hearts.

Everyone has this image of a wife beater - of either a violent tempered drunk or a charming but two sided sociopath - my ex and my father are neither. My father is a fgenial, loving but volatile man, who hit in a rage. My ex was the most placid man I have ever met - that's what attracted me to him. They are polar opposites, the only conjoining factor is me.

Please think about snowleopard's point about people in your life who don't act aggressively towards you. See if you can find a difference in how you feel about them (and/or behave towards or with them) on the one hand, and your relationships with your dad/ex on the other?

The only difference is that they havent lived with me. I need to isolate what it is I do to cause it.

I won't leave a subject alone when I want to talk about it - I won't take a hint and drop it, even when the other person is insisting - I get hit to shut me up maybe? It's never worked anyway!

I am a regular, by the way, and most people I have chatted to on here would never believe what I feel inside.

I think actually it might help to see your GP and talk to them about these things and your feelings. You may be depressed and/or you may benefit from counselling (I grew up with an abusive dad and it has helped me enormously). How you feel inside matters, this pain and despair matters, you don't have to go on like this and shouldn't have to. You can change these feelings and you can even change your fear of being alone. It need not be expensive as there is counselling on the NHS sometimes, or there is Relate, which I think could help you a lot and you pay what you can afford.

You say you are not scared of being hit - but you started this thread. You know there's something not right about it and you know you need support for how you're feeling. That's a first step towards sorting it out.

I tend to think that someone who is capable of hitting a woman won't think twice about hitting a child. is that what you want for your children? do you have boys? do you wantthem to grow up thinking that it's acceptable to treat women in this way? if you have girls, they will see love as quantified by bruises and cracked ribs. don't try and justify your inability to protect yourself by saying that your children are happier seeing you beaten. they might initially be haopppier to have tehir dad around a bit more. they sure as hell won't enjoy visting you in hospital.

i had a friend at work who was beaten. i was her boss. she eventually cracked and told me and there was nothing i could do because people who lack confidence to stand up for themselves believe the lies that they have a 'special' kind of love with their OH. that it's so passionate and wonderful and sparky that sometimes their partner can't contain themselves and lashes out. theres probably very little any of us can do to persuade you that it's stronger to cut this man out of your life, rather than being strong enough to withstand his slaps, pinches, punches.

two men is not a reasonable indication of how the rest of them behave. there is absolutely nothing wrong in getting as far away as possible from this creature and building a decent loving family for you and your children based on your real strengths.

No one can make someone else hit someone else. Lack of control on THEIR part. Too bad they have to live with it. Do you really think that if they could hit you they are going to spend any time worrying about it?? Get some confidence and remind yourself you deserve better. Don't be a victim.

sorry, i've re-read my last post and i sound like a total cow. you can change this. they don't raise a hand because you won't leave it alone or take a hint. you're entitled to an opinion and it's not acceptable to win an argument with a fist.

whoever you are, namechanger you deserve better than this. you may not think so because your dad hit you and when you're a child who is abused in this way you grow up expecting it to continue, but you do deserve better and even if you don't think you do(...) your children certainly do.

Sorry, but you are talking bollocks. Maybe you created a situation in which they chose to hit you, but they still made that choice. Unless you wired them up to electrodes or drugged them, you didn't "make" them hit you. They chose to hit you -- there's a big difference. Quite possibly you aren't an easy person to live with; quite possibly there is stuff you need to work on, but you definitely didn't make anyone hit you.

But don't you think I must have pushed these men so far past their limits? My children don't see me being hit - the last time my ex hit me I called the police and made him leave.

I bet he never hits anyone else though. I'd put money on it. I am the trigger - and yes, I am aware of how supremely self absorbed that makes me sound - but I cannot begin to describe how I am sure all this is my fault.

My dad has NEVER hit anyone else - and if he wanted someone vulnerable to pick on, he had it in my mother - her dad used to beat her, and I think she would have taken it from her husband too - but he never did.

Sorry meant to add 'and that's why he's my ex'

Everyone is right in saying you cannot have caused hitting as a specific reaction. Exactly how they chose to react was, and can only be, their choice.

I do, though, think you are being brave in thinking about how your behaviour may be provocative (NB NOT "may cause hitting", but "may cause a reaction"). It is quite possible that with your history with your father you have learned a pattern of behaviour where you can't stop until there is confrontation. However, patterns like that are complicated and I would say 1) you really should talk to someone professional if you want to disentangle things - that's exactly what a good counsellor should be able to help you do; and 2) please remember that, even if you do manage to move beyond whatever pattern it was, resolving things with someone who has been part of that pattern (ie, your ex) is another matter and may be even more difficult.

What I am trying to say is that, even if you DO manage to isolate and change whatever it is that is provocative, you may not be able - just by changing you - to "fix" your relationship with your ex (which is what it sounds like is your real wish). He would have to want to change the dynamic too.

you feel teh way you do because they have made you feel this way. their abuse has worked so well that even now that you are free from tehir direct abuse you are still under the influence of their actions.

you need to speak to someone about how you feel or else you will never be able top move forward in your life.

your post says that you believe this without doubt and that no amount of help will make you change your mind.

i don't believe you.

if you really felt that way then why post? your clearly waiting for someone to post with something, anything that will click in your head and help you realise that what your saying is silly.

please call either refuge, womens aid or your local mental health service

sonotsaying even if you were THE MOST irritating, confrontational cow in the world ...he could still choose to walk away instead of hitting you couldn't he?

but you think your dad never hit your mum - like your children may well think that he doesn't hit you.

i have a horrible horrible mental image of a woman being hit and not screaming or yelling or fighting back, so her children won't hear her, so it's a dirty little secret and her partner will just hit her harder to get a reaction.

you may well provoke him, but it's an excuse. real men don't use their fists to make a point or win an argument or show someone that they love them.

Would you hit your children? Think about that carefully.

If you wouldn't, then that is the same choice your father/ex faced - and they chose to hit you. No one makes anyone else hit them.

Please contact your GP asap about this. if you are worried about your safety or that of your children, then contact your local council for details of women's refuges.

Mamazon - I think I can change my mind for a while, and certainly this isn't the view I express when talking about other's DV, but it's always in the undercurrents of my mind.

I have had councelling but stopped going because I had nobody to have the kids while I went. I actually went for my own anger management problems.
I can't call women's aid - nothing bad is happening to me right now - it's all over.

bink - you have hit upon something - when I am upset I will push and push and push for a confrontation because otherwise how is it all going to be sorted out? It's no wonder, honestly, no wonder I get hit when I behave the way I do.

Snotsaying - I've just read further down about your mum was hit by her dad but not your dad. Do you think that there's a bit of a pattern here?