Do I need help or is it just daily toddler grind?

[Clockticktock]

So I have a toddler and a baby and I'm wondering if I need some help or I'm just being dramatic and feeling like this is normal?

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to kill the toddler. God even writing that down is absolutely awful. Obviously I love him and would never hurt him but when he's having another screeching tantrum my mind does go there.

Most days I feel a bit numb but maybe its just the daily grind of baby and toddler life?

My husband does a lot which is great but at the moment he is doing a lot of overtime at work including weekends and I do feel resentment building, I'm snapping at him all the time even though I know hes doing it for the family.

I told husband last night that I sometimes have these thoughts and he said as long as its not all day every day its probably fine and to stop taking toddlers behaviour to heart. The baby had a bad night so in the morning I thought he might get up and take him so I could lie in but he was sound asleep so I went downstairs but snapped at him when he did come down.

I feel like a horrible wife and mother right now but I don't know if I'm being dramatic and it will just pass? I cant talk to anyone about this as it's so terrible

Get help ASAP. Toddler years are very tough but if you are having thoughts about killing your child then please please see you GP straight away. You are not a horrible person just please get help, no one on here can help you it needs to be in real life with professionals. Good luck

Toddler and baby is a hard combination. It sounds like you need a break and some sleep. I would think the thoughts towards the toddler come from that.

Are you planning to go back to work yourself? If only your husband is working I can see why he doesn't want to turn down overtime etc, but he does need to take a turn getting up early, even if he goes back to bed later when you get up.

Could you access some child care or nursery provision for the toddler so you get a break? Do you have family around that could help?

I have a 6months old and a 16month old.
Sometime I have intrusive thoughts like yours but I let them go. I found if I dwell on them I would have them more often / end up feeling worse. I now pay them no attention and instead will think about how much I love my kids.
Just because we think it doesn't mean we act on it.

I haven't gotten help for this as I feel I have found a way to cope, and am otherwise happy. Please ask for help if you're struggling with putting the thoughts out of your mind.

It's tough with two little ones!

X

It depends what you mean by thoughts - elaborate plans? Fleeting 'I wish they were not here so I can sleep'? Or something in the middle?

I'm in the same boat, I have a 6 wk old and a 2.5 Yr old, I am finding some days incredibly difficult, especially as toddler will attempt/succeed in hitting scratching baby BUT as much as this breaks my heart (and I know we'll get there in the end) I just feel guilty for failing my kids, not like killing the eldest. Please talk to someone xx

Baby is 4 months so I will be going back to work but not for a while, it's not like we are that hard up for money but I can see where hes coming from because overtime could stop at any point so he wants to take advantage of it.

Toddler goes to nursery 1 morning a week but it still feels like long time between getting him and husband getting home from work.

I think the problem had only started as the toddler has started refusing naps but he has the most epic tantrums when hes tired. I love him so much but sometimes I just take the baby upstairs for 10 mins when he wont stop screaming. But then I feel guilty as when I come back down hes all teary asking for a cuddle.

How old is the baby? Did you ever have thoughts like this before the baby? My DC are 7 and 4 now but I found it hard after second DC was born. I had lots of intrusive thoughts and felt like I was a failure. I worked really hard to keep it together and pretend as everything was fine as I was so keen to have a second. Eventually my DH told me that if I didn't go and get help he would do it for me. That was a turning point and I did go and get help. It was life changing and I realised that I wasn't alone and I wasn't a failure. Talking about it with others took the pressure off and I've since realised it isn't uncommon and lots of people struggle with the transition from 1 to 2. Please OP go and speak to your GP or health visitor. Take care

When my baby was born I was terrified that I was going to seat him in the stove. I knew I wouldn't but the thought would make me very upset.
I think exhaustion plays games with your head.
You need to sleep desperately. Ask your DH to take the children out o go to a family/ friend house for a rest.
Babies are incredibly hard work.

I would go to your GP, sounds like it could be PND.

I had a 15 month gap between my first two and it is very, very hard. Please talk to your health visitor and/or GP. Its totally normal to feel overwhelmed and have bad days but thoughts of killing your child, even if you wouldn't ever do it mean you need some support. Do you have a Home Start team near you? They may be able to help if you self refer: having someone to talk to and take the pressure off, even once a week for a couple of hours may help?

It will get better, you are doing a great job, and having a toddler and small baby is relentless. But there is help out there, don't be afraid to ask for it.

Writing it all down and seeing people's responses is making me feel less of a monster! I think I'll book a gp appointment.

It's so nice to know theres others that have been where I am

What’s happening is your brain is recognising that you have too much to do and it’s throwing up possible ways to reduce your workload. Your mind (your real self) then dismisses that option. It doesn’t mean you really want to kill your toddler. You’re just overwhelmed.

I had 18 months between DC2 & DC3 and it was horrific at times. I had pnd and I went on anti-depressants for a while and I also went to cbt (therapy).

DH used to give me a lie-in on Saturday morning, I really really needed it. I would recommend setting out to your DH in no uncertain terms how tired you are, and what you need from him. Hope this all passes soon

Not normal at all to think about killing your child. Definitely seek help.

I think you need help op. I have a toddler and they are extremely hard work and sometimes life is just shit. But I don't think it's normal to have thoughts about killing them at all. That is very serious and a sign that you need immediate support in my honest opinion

Those early years are so, so tough and the sleep deprivation is unbearable. Do seek support from your gp, and anywhere else available, but don't worry, you're normal. (And it does get easier, hang in there)

Thanks for the responses

I've gone back to bed but I can't sleep I'm just crying and then feeling bad we aren't out having family time so maybe I'm selfish. God I cant win!

Everyone thinks I'm doing so well with two, how can I say actually I'm not coping?

Toddlers are the shit, it was the worst stage for me. The tantrums, the inability to stand still anywhere, the constant whinging and demands. I felt like an unpaid waitress and cleaner.

After they turn five things got so much better. You will start enjoying their company and forget the shits they were few years ago. Hang in there it will get better

Hi, sorry to hear you've been having "intrusive thoughts". If I may offer a male's opinion, you suggest you aren't short of money as a household and you can appreciate your husband's view of "making hay while the sun shines", but at this juncture, is it not more important that you and your children are supported?
My 2 year old is currently in nursery 3 days a week, my SO works these, just to get her head clear on these days I think.
We are expecting a 2nd in January, and as she suffered from severe PND and has generalised anxiety, I would be sad to think she would come close to "suffering alone" as you seem to be.
I would actively look to help with my kids and their care at weekends even if it involves turning down overtime. (I regularly come home as soon as I can in order to help) Not because we don't need the money, but because I would hate to know my SO to be struggling. Why have children if you don't want to be involved at every stage of their life?
You say you "can't talk to anyone", but surely the 1 person you should be talking to (and asking for help) is the person who can help the most.

It depends what you mean. “God, I wish he was dead!” is just your mind’s way of reasoning with the urge to have a break. You’re just playing with a thought that is designed to imagine what is would be like not to be exhausted, stressed, bored etc.

Sitting there thinking about killing him probably means the GP.

I hope you get the help you need if so.

it's not like we are that hard up for money but I can see where hes coming from because overtime could stop at any point so he wants to take advantage of it.

But you are at peak sleep deprivation point now.

how can I say actually I'm not coping?

Having a baby and toddler together is hard and needing help is not
a sign that you aren't coping.

When I see women swimming the channel 4 times or winning endurance races, I can't help thinking that they can do it because either through conditioning or physical design, women expect to endure so much.

Your body produced a small human very recently, and now you are expected to look after two small humans, one who needs to be fed regularly despite your need for sleep, and the other who has no sense of danger and instinctive survival techniques designed to ensure he has your attention ALL THE TIME!

And we are all expected to pretend that it's easy (perhaps this is another instinctive response to ensure the continuation of the human race.)

If your DH thinks overtime could end at any time and that would leave you in financial difficulty, the bigger question is whether he has the right job. However you need help now.

The baby and toddler combo is horrific, especially the first 6 months. Everything the older one did felt like a personal attack. I hated DH too just for not having to deal with it all. A lot of people have intrusive thoughts, it's not just you. It's definitely worth a trip to the GP though.

If you can afford it I’d get some help in or send the toddler to nursery more, and you should also talk to your dp about it and tell him how you are really feeling and that you need him to take on more, getting a lie in on the days he doesn’t work or something similar is a start.

If that doesn’t work then I think you should see your gp x

Mine are 18 months apart and I had the toddler in nursery two days a week which helped. At 4 months I couldn’t stop crying and got referred for counselling for CBT. It was really hard to start with but once I started saying ‘I’m not coping’ and saying it like a fact rather than a personal failing it helped a lot. When family/friends asked how I was I said ‘not good’ and people were so supportive.
You are in a hard place right now. It’s ok to be not ok xx

It’s very hard having a toddler and baby. It really is. But you aren’t alone. Get help from everyone, neighbours, friends family, partner should support you. Definitely see gp or contact hv if you feel you need to,

I would suggest that you go very easy on yourself and try as much as possible to design how you spend time around your own needs and interests,

I find having a shower early in the day really helps. i take baby in bathroom with me for a shower, when I had two with two year gap I couldn’t have them both in there as the toddler couldn’t be trusted. But I’d leave her somewhere else safe watching iPad

Do things you like, get a double buggy if you haven’t already, put them in it and go out for coffee and cake.

See if there is a crèche facility at your local leisure centre or elsewhere. If so use it. Do not feel any guilt whatsoever.
Is there a local childminder or babysitter you can book for regular slots?
I used to spend all day trying to buy myself future time. So make doubleof every food, so next time I just serve and put feet up. Minimal cleaning.
It’s easier (I think) as baby becomes a bit more independent. Eve sitting up means they can sit in high chair and play.

Four months is very bad for sleep but may soon improve.
Good luck. I had two year age gap between first two then three year gap between second and third. Two year gap was so hard. Three kids with the bigger gap is easier I think

Also, when my toddler dropped nap I maintained ‘quiet time’ in its place. Which meant toddler watched tv while I had a nap alongside all well time to coincide with baby nap.