Do I need help or is it just daily toddler grind?

[Clockticktock]

So I have a toddler and a baby and I'm wondering if I need some help or I'm just being dramatic and feeling like this is normal?

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to kill the toddler. God even writing that down is absolutely awful. Obviously I love him and would never hurt him but when he's having another screeching tantrum my mind does go there.

Most days I feel a bit numb but maybe its just the daily grind of baby and toddler life?

My husband does a lot which is great but at the moment he is doing a lot of overtime at work including weekends and I do feel resentment building, I'm snapping at him all the time even though I know hes doing it for the family.

I told husband last night that I sometimes have these thoughts and he said as long as its not all day every day its probably fine and to stop taking toddlers behaviour to heart. The baby had a bad night so in the morning I thought he might get up and take him so I could lie in but he was sound asleep so I went downstairs but snapped at him when he did come down.

I feel like a horrible wife and mother right now but I don't know if I'm being dramatic and it will just pass? I cant talk to anyone about this as it's so terrible

I had thoughts like that with DS too. It didn't mean I was a threat to him (I honestly never even smacked him). It's just your head finding its way around the new scary situation you're in. Or it was for me.
For me it was the difference between that "ooh what if I jumped?" feeling on a bridge, which I've often had, and actual suicidal ideation, which I've never felt. I could tell the difference, and I suspect you can too.

have you got childcare for the toddler? if not.. get some. i have a baby due January, a two and a half year old and partner who works away a lot. i am not looking forward to it! but son does go to nursery (i may increase his hours!) and i've got two grandmas close by.

Oh i feel you and its so difficult with a baby and a toddler mine are 2 and 1 now. Some days are better than some. My 2 year old is capable of crying all day! I would sometimes scream into a pillow its usually frustrating. I never thought about killing my toddler but attimes my mind wondered into thnking how would it have been if i did not have a baby would i have had more time to focus on my toddler..... but i quickly tell myself out loud how blessed I am to have them both and acknowledge how annoying my toddlers behaviour can be but also acknowledge that she is just being a toddler and attimes no matter what i do to help her stop whinning or crying, she is wired to fuss cry want to get her way all the time sometimes screech in my ears lol. One day everything just seemed funny especially when she was pretend crying i laughed so hard and told her mummy understands....

At some stage i hated my husband tho just cos he wasnt home all day to endure the hardship of caring for this two bundles of oy who attimes wrecked my head.... one day i told him i was drowning and he is watching me drown... i think that made him ask how he could help more (though he was already helping)

anyway things will get better you will find the humour soon. But please ask for help either from your husband or seek professional help from your gp.... sending you lots of hugs cos i know this aint easy at all!!!

Ill also suggest to join mother and toddler groups so you can meet people and feel like you actually exist or go for walks.... ❤

Please do speak to your GP. I think lots of mums are on the edge after no.2 but this feels different. Lots of my friends were fine with their first but have experienced PND with second babies. I don’t think the challenges of juggling are spoken about enough. There is lots of sympathy and help for first time parents but a lot less interest after subsequent births when actually you probably need more help because you have to look after the first child however shit you feel. If you can afford it, I’d really recommend upping nursery. We kept our routine exactly the same with my toddler and while it was a luxury to have multiple nursery days, I’d have flipped without that break.

What’s happening is your brain is recognising that you have too much to do and it’s throwing up possible ways to reduce your workload. Your mind (your real self) then dismisses that option. It doesn’t mean you really want to kill your toddler. You’re just overwhelmed.

Yes this completely explains the way I feel. I would never in a million years actually harm either of my children but there are times where the toddler is being difficult whilst the baby is screaming and I think I'm just going to throw you both out of the window and then you will be quiet.

It's not intrusive thoughts it's completely born out of frustration and lack of autonomy that otherwise comes with being the main carer of small children.

I think you were really brave to open up to your DH OP, but I am not impressed with his response at all. Fuck overtime, he should be making a conscious effort to stay home and help out with the kids more while you are feeling like this. Your mental health and the children's welfare are a billion times more important than any extra money. Tell him to quit the overtime until things start to become easier for you, and do see your doctor if nothing improves.

I also used to have intrusive thoughts about my DS when he was a newborn. I thought I was going mad and was too ashamed to speak to DP about it. So I spoke to my GP who recommended some therapy services. I have since been diagnosed with OCD.
Please speak to a professional, OP. This can be a very lonely time

Speak to the Dr
Can toddler have a few more sessions at nursery or at a child minder so you can have a bit more of a break?
I find getting out with toddler just for a walk to the park helps burn some energy off. I let DS1 (2.5) Walk and DS2 (7 weeks) I pop in a carrier so I've got my hands free. We just go for a walk around our area picking up sticks, acorns, looking for birds and squirrels, jumping in puddles etc! 20/30 mins should do it!

Can you get lunch and snacks prepared the night before so you can literally grab and give?
Get a cleaner once a week?
Get some activity sticker books or story books for when you need to feed your DC2 sit together and read.
If you get a moment spare in the day play with your DC1, remember they've suddenly gone from having all your attention to barely any at all.
Lots of cuddles and quiet time when nap time should be happening.

Can't really offer any solution, but just wanted to say you're not alone in this.

I had these thoughts when my daughter was a baby. I still cannot explain it even now (she's 7 years old now) and she wasn't even a 'difficult' baby.

I NEVER did anything to her, never harmed her or smacked her, or neglected her, of course. I did feel awful because of my thinking and never told a soul about it. Deep down I knew/felt that whilst such thoughts are obviously absolutely horrible, I would just think them, but never do anything in reality.

I never told anyone about it. Husband, GP or others. I was afraid that they would think I'm an absolutely crazy monster, and they would take my daughter away from me.

The thoughts vanished when she grew a little bit older. And never came back. So no solution, really, just wanted to say you're not alone like that.

I have a small age gap and some days I feel really pushed to my limits. I have definitely have thoughts of ‘today would be so much easier if one of you weren’t here’ and then I remember the easier times and tell myself it’s not always hard. Toddlers as I’m slowly realising are exceptionally hard work and I don’t even have a really hard one. Recently mine was so tired but wouldn’t nap, I ended up pushing him in the pram and had thoughts of ramming the pram into the wall. It was awful. I’ve spoken to friends and we’ve felt similar, I think it’s the knowing you would never actually do it. I see it as a way of your brain releasing the anger? But if it crosses into the thoughts of actually doing it then there is a problem. I don’t know about you but because my age gap is small, it doesn’t feel I was on mat leave the first time that long ago and I constantly compare the two as it is so much more leisurely being off with a little baby than two.

I think as others habe said this sounds more like intrusive thoughts than deaire or intent to harm. They are pure awful, I remember them well - I felt like my mind wasn't my own as like you it just 'went there'.

It's a pretty common symptom and like others have said is based in your brain fusing because you are justifiably overwhelmed. I'd definitely see the doctor and talk to your husband again - if he's worried about money then maybe put it to him that there is zero point putting material gain before your mental health, because if you take the heat out now it's likely you'll recover and be able to get back on your feet. Everyone will be happier and you'll be able to go back to work etc. If you don't, it is likely to get worse, your ability to work could well be affected and the fact that you as the primary carer are struggling will have a negative impact on all of you. Both emotionally and financially, the best thing you can do as a couple is to put ypu first.

Everyone thinks I'm doing so well with two, how can I say actually I'm not coping?

I literally don’t know anyone who just sailed through having a toddler and a newborn. It’s so hard. Everyone I know with that age gap finds it hard. I mean, even if you had the newborn with no toddler, it’s still completely normal to find that hard too. My toddler’s at nursery 2 days a week, and I still find it unbelievably difficult coping with her and my newborn. I would speak to someone, but please know you’re not alone in finding this incredibly tough

Hello OP,

We're so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time at the moment. We're going to move your thread over to our mental health topic, because we think you'll get lots of support over there.

We'd really, really advise seeking real-life help. Mumsnet is a wonderful source of support, but it's very important that you visit your GP and reach out in real life, too.

Please do take a look at our mental health webguide and book an appointment with your GP.

Oh God op I'd love to give you a hug! It's totally normal. I found the shock of going from 1 to 2 dcs worse than becoming a first time mum. Mine were exactly 2 years apart. It was utterly terrifying. I did go at 5 weeks post partum and was diagnosed with PND. Slightly different for me as I'd had it was dc1 so I was more attuned to the signs. If it helps at all, I survived and even went on to have dc3 another 2 years later. And got PND again. Honestly you will be fine, just go and get some help. You're not here to help prove to anyone you can cope. Sometimes we can't and that's ok

Yes that totally makes sense about the brain coping with being overwhelmed and I think it is just fleeting intrusive thoughts.

I had a better day today, went to a baby group in the morning then drove about till toddler went to sleep and went out for a walk with baby in the sling when he woke up. I do feel more trapped when we're in the house all day but we're kind of in the middle of potty training so I feel I have to be inside. Maybe I'll stop that for a bit and just concentrate on getting through the days.