Getting to the end of my rope. How to keep going? (Suicidal thoughts)

[AverilCorin]

I am safe at the moment. I am asking because I am trying to find a way of helping myself before I feel like this again.

Over the past few months I have been having overwhelming suicidal ideation which cumulated in a serious suicide attempt three weeks ago. I took a number of steps in order to keep myself from doing something like this since then.

However, the suicidal thoughts have not improved at all - I will be ok, but then will have just intense, unbearable feelings of not being able to go on. I have written letters and have been researching better methods, but have not acted on any of this. But it is so, so hard. I do not want to hurt the people around me. I do have things to look forward to. But when I feel like this, none of this seems to really matter and I just want it all to stop.

I am seeing a counsellor through IAPT and had previously spoken about the attempt a few weeks ago, but have done my best to reassure them (and everyone else in my life) that I no longer feel like this. I am worried that disclosing that I still feel at risk and repercussions, will have implications for my job. And if I don't die, I quite want to keep my job...

So any thoughts on what else to try? I have spoken to a close friend, I have tried to stay busy, I am doing lots of self-care, I am seeing the IAPT counsellor, I called the Samaritans and I have tried to hold myself accountable by reminding myself that it possibly upset others.
Post edited by MNHQ

Whereabouts are you OP? I have just come back from my fortnightly shift at a charity which specialises in face to face support for the suicidal. We are based in London. Please feel free to PM me for details if you are in London or could get to London fortnightly. There will be no or barely time on a waiting list and the support will continue for as long as you are suicidal. Otherwise, please use the Samaritans, and there are Samaritan drop in centres in some areas too. People want to listen and be there for you. I promise.

The online appt may be a good idea. Will look into that. And thank you Pop - I have messaged you.

So sorry you're so low OP. I have been there, albeit a very long time ago. Medication 'solved' nothing but it did give me the calm and the space from extremes of despair to get me through the patch you describe and allow me to look after myself.

Obviously I don't know the nature of your job but your GP appointment is confidential. Is there a reason that your employer would not support you through this? Most large employers have a system in place- phased return to work etc. Apologies if that doesn't apply to your employer.

There will always be someone who wants to listen OP, you are cared for. If you're not already aware of them have a google of crisis houses in your area. If you are in London then Maytree is a good example of alternative route if you are in crisis.

Also have heard a lot of good things about Matt Haig's book 'Reasons to stay alive'.

You have achieved a lot by being so proactive OP, and already achieved what others often sadly can't. This can be beaten and it will pass, despite what your brain way want you to think. Will be thinking of you

A friend of mine committed suicide. It killed his mother - she couldn’t cope so she also committed suicide. It’s selfish imo - thinking of your own feelings and not the people you’ll leave behind. My life is shit but I could never do that to my mother. As long as you’re alive there’s hope for things getting better. But it sure as hell won’t get better if you’re dead. You only get one shot at being alive and it’s a miracle that you even exist - don’t throw it away.

OP my heart goes out to you. I have had similar issues for most of my life since the age of 16 (I’m now approaching 50). It was only 6 months ago, when my eldest son tried to take his own life that I realised how much of an impact a suicide or attempted suicide could really & truly have on everyone. I say this also as an ex-Samaritan & Clinical Psychologist.
As my son lay in my arms begging me to let him die, I fully understood the question I have asked every single caller I spoke to during my time as a Samaritan & every suicidal client I have worked with: Do you want your life to end or do you simply want the pain to stop? The majority say that they want the pain to stop. That can only happen if we give ourselves the opportunity for healing & accept that it will take time to get to that point. My son summarised it very well several months later in his recovery: my death may hurt me but I will be oblivious. It’s everyone else who has to bear the true pain.
OP, I hope you find the strength to pull through this immeasurable suffering. Please believe me when I say that no job is worth sacrificing your health & life for. Keep talking. Keep finding a reason to stay.

I don't have a family.

Yes, that is it exactly Edina. I don't want to die, but I don't know how to cope with how things are. I am trying to get better, but I have been trying for months and I am tired. I just wish I knew when things would get better.

Hi Averil
so sorry you are feeling so much pain. How are you this morning?

Better than last night. Just tired.

OP, I took the medication. It really helped me.
You won't know unless you try.
Please get help. Please be honest with the GP. You have tried soldiering on without medication, it hasn't worked. You owe it to yourself to exhaust the options for treatment before doing something drastic.
The world is better with you in it.
Everything passes in the end, including pain. Sometimes you have to help it with treatment.
I have been where you are, my reasons may have been different but wanting pain to stop was the same.
I don't feel that way anymore, but I had to put my trust in my dr who was amazing.
Please keep talking.

I echo what Edina says - sometimes it's not knowing how to live rather than wanting to die.

Medication won't 'fix' it but it will (hopefully) put you in a better place to work out how things can change to help you to want to live.

Alongside talking have you thought about writing down the feelings when you are in that dark place? For some, purging the mind and stopping things going round and round can really help. Even if only for a while.

I spend today writing everything down. I will see if I feel brave enough to speak to my GP on Monday. Just battling with thoughts that it will make no positive difference.

Very moved by this and thinking of you. I absolutely feel what you are feeling.

Look at it this way, you could be right but you also could be wrong.

I went to my GP last week and confessed how I was feeling. Now on AD’s for the first time and I have resisted them for so long. The first thing he said to me was “medication works”. Can you hear that, OP? You may need to try a few before you find the one that suits you best, or the first one might be fine. But they will help.

And once they start to help you feel better, you will have more headspace, be able to see your dark thoughts for what they are, and you can be on the road to recovery.

I had a serious suicide attempt at 17 and saw a psychologist. Can you see someone. Whats stuck for me and has done every since was he explained that I thought at the time it was my only choice to end the way I was feeling. But it isn't the only choice to end the pain, we have other choices. I know its a bit vague but it does help stop the one way thinking.

Have you tried going to a church? You do not have to believe at all to go they are open to everyone, just hang around good people helps a lot.
You must also seriously give medication a chance rather than just dismissing it.

Op you do need a referral to psychiatry and medication, once you have done this you will have wished you did it long ago. You don't need to continue suffering, there if another way out than suicide even if you can't imagine this, just try it.

For me, suicide seemed like an escape for me. But the thing is, that moment, you are looking for, where life isnt hard, where the stress lifts, where you dont feel numb where you dont feel pain etc.
That moment wont come through suicide, you will Be dead, you won’t be able to
Feel the peace, the burden lift, the joy the love the happiness, what ever it is you are longing to feel you won’t feel it. The pain will just be passed on to your family and friends.

Right now you can’t see the light, you don’t know how people can help you, but I promise you life can get better, you can feel good again.

You are already on the right track seeking help. You can do this. One step at a time.

Life is amazing, and I really pray that you will see that

AverilCorin If you think you'll find it difficult to speak to the GP you could take along what you've written and hand it to them. That way the onus isn't on you to get the conversation started and they will know what questions to ask based on your writings.
Your GP will (hopefully) be aware that saying things out loud can be so hard - because it makes it real in a different way.

OP, I am the biggest cynic in the world but even I have to admit that medication DOES work.
And your GP is bound by rules not to disclose medical details.
I have been close to where you were and with a nasty dose of paranoia about the tablets too.
3 years ago I saw nothing worth living for despite having a wonderful family and a job I mostly enjoyed.
I took ADs as a last chance and am still on them now. They work.
I do have my down days like anyone but I have not been to that black pit of despair since.
You might not listen to me but just think about it. If you had a blinding headache you would take pills to relieve it. If you had an infection you would take antibiotics.
Well ADs are just pills to help that pain in your mind.
I promise things will get better, please promise you will hang on until they do.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, and I really hope it gets better for you. My perspective is that my sister took her own life 3 years ago. I'm sure you have people you love and who love you - try to hold on to the idea of the terrible terrible pain you would cause them if you did this, if your thoughts tell you they would be better off without you then know that your thoughts are liars.

Hi there, OP

We just wanted to let you know that we'll be moving this thread over to mental health for you soon.

Hi OP. I feel similar. For me my job is what gets me up in morning (both literally and figuratively) so I do understand you prioritising your job. I have wanted to kill myself pretty regularly since I was 20 (now 40) and it's particularly bad at moment as I used to believe life would get better but 20 years on it hasn't really. I can't kill myself as it would destroy my mum and my daughter so I am really trying with the CBT, I'm reading a book o how Greek philosophy can help you to live which I also really like. Also Buddhism. I just keep trying. If I've got to live I've got to try and make it work. I also take 40mg citalopram which does help. I hope you're having an ok day. I'm off to do some CBT work now.