Getting to the end of my rope. How to keep going? (Suicidal thoughts)

[AverilCorin]

I am safe at the moment. I am asking because I am trying to find a way of helping myself before I feel like this again.

Over the past few months I have been having overwhelming suicidal ideation which cumulated in a serious suicide attempt three weeks ago. I took a number of steps in order to keep myself from doing something like this since then.

However, the suicidal thoughts have not improved at all - I will be ok, but then will have just intense, unbearable feelings of not being able to go on. I have written letters and have been researching better methods, but have not acted on any of this. But it is so, so hard. I do not want to hurt the people around me. I do have things to look forward to. But when I feel like this, none of this seems to really matter and I just want it all to stop.

I am seeing a counsellor through IAPT and had previously spoken about the attempt a few weeks ago, but have done my best to reassure them (and everyone else in my life) that I no longer feel like this. I am worried that disclosing that I still feel at risk and repercussions, will have implications for my job. And if I don't die, I quite want to keep my job...

So any thoughts on what else to try? I have spoken to a close friend, I have tried to stay busy, I am doing lots of self-care, I am seeing the IAPT counsellor, I called the Samaritans and I have tried to hold myself accountable by reminding myself that it possibly upset others.
Post edited by MNHQ

I'm not sure what you are going through but I myself have been feeling like this following a difficult relationship breakdown. I have found telling as many friends and family how bad I am actually feeling has helped because they are all checking in on me. The more I talk about everything the better I feel in all honesty, when I'm feeling that low I have been calling my dad and he comes and sits with me. What I've realised is that I have a lot of people round me that love me and want to help me and I think that's what's given me the strength to keep going when times have been really hard. I hope you are okay

Please do not lie to your friends and family. I would hate if one of my friends was going through similar and felt like they couldn’t disclose it to me!

Do you think it’s worth self referring to be sectioned is something you would consider?
I cannot give you any strategies to help you stopping feeling like this but what I can tell you is that you have people out there that do care about you and would want to know the way you are feeling right now.

Thank you both. I have spoken to a friend, but this feels like a double-edged sword. She is wonderful, but I don't want to be that person draining her energy because I am feeling so low. And it also makes me feel so guilty, because I am worried that if at some point I do end up acting on these thoughts, then having disclosed it to her will make her feel worse.

I don't want to be sectioned due to work concerns. But beyond that no one will section someone on the chance that I may feel very suicidal again at some point over the next few weeks.

Please remember this. Life is better with you in it. Talk to everyone you think you would be comfortable with the more who know the bigger your support network will be.

OP, for you.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Reading this helped me a few times when I needed it
metanoia.org/suicide/

Thank you.

Can you be prescribed anything? It may not fix the underlying issue, but could be a valuable short term fix until more suitable solutions could be found. I'd be lost without my citalopram.
Please, please remember that at the moment your brain is lying to you. It doesn't mean to, but it is. You deserve to live. It's possible for you to feel joy again. The world has a place for you xxx

Please be honest with as many people as you can. Your mental health is worth more than any job, please don’t tailor the help you ask for to protect your job. You matter xx

What medication are you on?

Please keep talking - the samaritans are there for this reason - they started because people didnt want to talk to friends and family and 'burden' them so samaritans gives you a free way of doing this without fear. I am a Samaritan and we are very very well trained- we want to hear you talk and it will not burden us! Please keep talking.

I'm not sure what your job is but by God you must really love it to partly put it above your own wellbeing. Try and put that to one side and focus on your health most importantly. What has happened to make you feel this way? What can you change to feel any better?

I went through a similar experience earlier this year OP. I'd echo what the pp's have said but also recommend downloading an app called smiling mind. It's a mindfulness app with loads of different sessions, guided and unguided, that I found really helpful. I found the starry night programme especially good at helping focus your mind on the now and clearing it of horrible thoughts. Please remember you're not alone and I hope you begin to feel better soon.

I am not on any medication. Have not spoken to my doctor about this. I'm feeling fairly paranoid about doing this, again due to worries about losing my job.

Honestly I don't know what can change to make me feel better. It feels like it is completely unfixable and will never be okay. That no one can 'rescue' me and that my life can never get better than this. I feel completely alone, even though I have friends and the counsellor - she has been good, but presumably she will be discharging me soon anyway and then what?

Thank you Buccanarab, will download that.

I am seeing friends and talking about normal things and doing normal stuff and laughing and pretending to care about things. I feel like I am someone pretending to be a real person. But at the end of the day, I am completely alone. I am numb and exhausted and everything, no matter how hard I try, can come crashing down around me at any moment.

OP, I hear you. Two years ago, I made the first of what ultimately became 4 serious suicide attempts (3 averted by stranger intervention, the final one just happened not to work). What "saved" me (for now, anyway) was a) taking nearly a year off work and b) intensive integrated trauma therapy (privately - I basically spent my entire disposable salary on this, which, as I wasn't safe to leave my room, was more or less OK, so I didn't need clothes, trips out, treats, savings, whatever). I was already on inpatient levels of psychotropic drugs, and I imagine you might be too - if not, get to the doctor, or if that hasn't helped, ask for an urgent psychiatric referral, as they have more options available in terms of prescribing.

I have been back at work nearly a year now. What has helped since then has been a) rigorously protecting my recharge time b) doing some special training that was run for disabled staff at work c) moving house (I hated where I lived and it was also quite a dark house) d) changing job (same industry, different employer) e) having loads and loads of plants and f) making a deal with myself that, if I still want to, I am "allowed" to kill myself when both parents are dead. Some days I want to, the very vast majority of days I don't - but I would not have ever believed that I could feel this 'well'.

It's a cliche, but most of this will pass. If you are able to talk, and between your friend and your counsellor, it sounds like you can, keep talking. To them, to Samaritans, to MIND, to your GP, your family, other friends... Even if you feel again like you want to, if you haven't kept yourself isolated, it will be a lot more likely you'll be able to keep going and resist the urge next time.

Feel free to PM me if you want someone else to talk to - but keep posting on MN too

Right, I've just seen your posts from when I was writing mine. PLEASE go to your doctor. If you are an airline pilot ot ATC, it is possible that medication can mean a shift in your job, and possibly also for MI5/6. AFAIK, there's no other profession where ADs prevents you from working anymore. But if you have got as far as a serious attempt, then it's time for you to at least discuss this with someone medically qualified. This might well save your life. The other "unfixable" bits can be worked on - they might not be unfixable after all, or if they are, there will be other options for handling them. But you don't need to do this alone.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please consider speaking to your doctor about your suicidal feelings - I understand the paranoia about your job, but your doctor has an obligation to help you and to not disclose any information that you don't want she/he to share - anything you say to them will be confidential.

Although it's a short fix, if they can prescribe you antidepressants that might help enough to allow you to claw back an even keel for the moment -

Try and think of it like a physical illness, if that helps? Anything to do with thoughts, and feelings is not just 'all in your head' - it's your brain, the most demanding and important organ you have - the extreme level of what you're feeling is just down to an imbalance in the chemicals in your brain. They're not in their proper balanced levels for whatever reason, whatever has happened, whatever your history is - it's nothing you've done, it's not your fault and there is NO shame attached to you feeling this way - it's a chemical imbalance that needs fixing so you can begin to feel better, whether by more therapy, or antidepressants or both.

I really hope you manage to keep talking. The people to whom you open up will feel privileged that you've trusted them with something so personal.xx

Hello AverilCorin,

We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to keep seeking RL help and support as well.

We dearly hope things look brighter very soon.

For the vast majority of occupations, being prescribed medication would not have an impact. I HONESTLY cannot tell you the difference it can make to you. If it's at all an option, please do it.
It has helped me go from not sleeping, violently shaking, not eating and constantly crying to holding down a FT job and having a sense of perspective. I said it before and I'll reiterate - your brain is lying to you. It is telling you that things can't get better, but they CAN. I think of medication like I think of my glasses. Can I function without them? Just about, but it would stop me doing lots of things and I wouldn't see things properly. It would mean the world was viewed through my dodgy lens. You deserve all the help you can give yourself. I wish you nothing but good xxx

OP stop worrying so much about your job!! A job Is so meaningless compared to being alive. You are fighting for your life right now. Your GP wont talk to anyone but you!! Your job is safe.

Thank you. I will have another think about medication. I am just not convinced that will fix the problem.

It feels like there is no way to fix things. But I have not tried medication. I don't know if I can speak to my GP.

OP medication will sort this out I promise but it just never feels like it will before you try. and a chat with your GP is paramount right now. Your illness is making you think this way - it's trying to convince you that you "can't" and "shouldn't" at every turn. Fight it.

I am pretty sure that speaking to my GP would seriously complicate things for me work wise. And there are other reasons I feel really uncomfortable with it. I am worried they will refer me to psychiatry and I can't see how they could help me.

I’m so very sorry that you are feeling so awful. I think you should seek medical help as soon as possible. You need to be honest with them.

I really, really hope you find something that helps you.

Your GP is bound by confidentiality not to disclose to anyone. If you know your GP personally and are worried could you afford a private online appointment through an app? I’ve used it before and it cost about £20 plus prescription fee.

You’re unwell and you need medical help.

Today I went to my GP, was prescribed antidepressants, organised a series of sessions with a CBT therapist (I hate talking therapy... but we’ll see how it goes) and emailed my boss saying I was unwell, had organised treatment, would be carrying on as normal for now but would let him know if I needed to discuss additional support. I hated the idea of doing all of that but I also hate the idea of feeling this crap any longer.

You can do it. What works for you may not work for me, and vice versa - but can it be worse than how you’ve been feeling?