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Original poster

to want to die

59 replies

ccb5911 · 17/08/2019 03:09

I am 19 years old, not a mum, and don't really know why I'm on mumsnet. I am really really close to killing myself but am too much of a coward to do that to my family. I'll give you some background:

I was raised pretty privileged so I know I am very lucky in that regard- I went to the best schools possible, played sports, etc. I have three older siblings, two of whom have had serious drug issues and have almost died multiple times in front of me (including when I was young). My dad cheated on my mum when I was young and so childhood was rather unhappy in that regard as there was a lot of fighting, yelling, etc. My mum also tried to commit suicide when I was 12, partially blamed it on me (only because I sided with my brother in a silly argument that night), and I was left to find the suicide note. My dad is awful; just treats everyone horribly and acts as if he is above the law because he pays for things.

I had wonderful friends in high school, but have not really managed to keep in touch with them despite my reasonable efforts. At college, I have utterly failed in making good friends. I have "friends," but they will ditch me/hurt me without second thought. It's more just people I can go out with. I have always been a very academic person, but did not do well at all this past semester as I was rather ill and struggling I guess with mental health.

I have always been close with my mum despite the suicide attempt, but when we fight, it feels as if the world is being pulled from beneath me. She is quite honestly the only person I really trust in this world and when we fight it hurts beyond words. We got in a stupid fight tonight (twice in a little more than a week) and I am feeling absolutely worthless and like I have nothing to live for. I have been awake for hours now just sobbing because I literally have no one. None of my friends care, my parents don't care, no one cares. I honestly don't know how I can go on, but I can't bring myself to kill myself because I don't want my family to live with this.
I don't even have a purpose to this post; I just have been sobbing for so long and I need someone to listen, even if it is the internet.

OP posts:
Original poster
ccb5911 · 17/08/2019 03:14

I forgot to write:

Honestly, the only thing keeping me alive is my irrational dream to get married and have children, but I just can't see that realistically happening to me. Literally no boys every show serious interest in me, and with my recent results in school I won't even be able to pay for children. I just keep hanging on to the mental image of holding my baby one day.

OP posts:
Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:15

Please ring the samaritans ...

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Chocolatethief · 17/08/2019 03:17

Just wanted to let you know that people do care even if it doesn't feel like it right now a d I may be a stranger on the internet but I care

serialtester · 17/08/2019 03:18

You poor thing. You sound like a lovely person.Thanks

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:20

Do you have family you can talk to?

corlan · 17/08/2019 03:22

I'm so you're feeling so low. This time of the morning everything seems worse. Please do phone the Samaritans - there is help and hope for you x

Griefmonster · 17/08/2019 03:23

Hello @ccb. Have you called the Samaritans?
I think it would be really helpful to speak to someone in real life.

One thing I have held on to before is that once the sun comes up, a lot of things can feel different. Hold on until morning. And then hold on a little more.

You have you. And you are enough. A wonderful soul with every right to have a life. You have had terrible experiences and must have faced so much pain and confusion as well as fun and lightness at times.

Please know that you have your place in this world.

And please call Samaritans.

shortandsweet1 · 17/08/2019 03:25

If you don't want to ring the Samaritans and talk to someone, there are people out there that you can text. I just did a quick google search but found this. Might be an option for you. You're not alone.

www.crisistextline.uk

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:25

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Caucho · 17/08/2019 03:27

You can’t bring yourself to commit suicide for good reasons and seem rational. You need some help going forwards but just bunker down for now. Listen to the sensible side in your mind. As suggested the Samaritans are there if you need to talk to someone right now but just imagine how you’ll feel in another 24 hrs and wonder why you felt like this. There is zero benefit in dying and no upside

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:28

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FuckFacePlatapus · 17/08/2019 03:28

@Mileysmiley 😳

Poolbridge · 17/08/2019 03:28

Yes, please call the Samaritans.
Like Griefmonster said, for every dark night there is the light of a new day. No matter how difficult it is for you just now, I promise you that these feelings will pass, and a better day awaits you maybe tomorrow or in the coming week. You won’t always feel so despairing as you do now.
Sending lots of love and hugs to you

theministryhasfallen · 17/08/2019 03:29

@Mileysmiley - that, is the worst thing I've read in a long time. You should be ashamed.

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:30

@FuckFacePlatapus

Someone threatened this on FriendsReunited we managed to talk her down ... this is a call for help imho

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:31

@theminsiteyhasfallen

What do you suggest? This is someone on the edge and I have been there myself!

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:33

I lost my child and felt like there was no hope but someone helped me and now I can cope with the grief.

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:34

Are you still there OP ? Talk to us we are listening ...

putsomethingontheendofit · 17/08/2019 03:36

You remind me a little of me, when I was that sort of age (more than twice that now).
Your Mum shouldn't try to put blame on you for her problems - I want to just say that to you. It was very wrong of her to blame you in any way - it is not possible for it to be 'your fault', especially at 12 years old.
I'm sorry about your abusive childhood - I can share that situation somewhat. Money helps, but it doesn't erase horrible experiences.
I think calling the Samaritans is often a good idea. Having had crap mental health in peaks and troughs throughout my life, I've chatted with them a few times and it's always nice to just say what is on your mind.

You've got a lot ahead - don't worry about the results 'cause you can sort that one way or another anyway. Or not, whatever. It's good to be able to visualise a happy future ahead for you, so you're actually doing a lot better than you probably think you are. It sounds like you still live at home, often by putting some distance between you and your parents, you can get some emotional distance as well. They sound like they have many issues of their own which are 'suffocating' you and creating this feeling of hopelessness.

Nonameslob · 17/08/2019 03:37

Hi please try calling the samaritans, being alone with your thoughts at this time of night is awful. I know we don't know each other but I feel really sad reading your post and want you to know there are people that care about you xx

Utterlyexhausted · 17/08/2019 03:39

OP, please stay strong..you will have everything you want in life plus more..you’re going through some tough times..this will pass, trust me! I’ve been in similar situations when I was your age..addicted siblings, youngest, well off family & I can assure you you can get through this! Please contact your GP on Monday & speak to them about this. There is treatment that will help take the emotion out of the situation and will help you focus on what needs to be done. Although we’ve never met, my heart goes out to you ❤️❤️❤️

Original poster
ccb5911 · 17/08/2019 03:40

I can't thank you all enough for responding at such an hour- it does amaze me how supportive strangers can be. I'm still quite hysterical and I don't even know why at this point. Trying to be rational but as dramatic as it sounds, there doesn't seem to be much to live for anymore. My family doesn't really care, I don't have real friends, I messed up my academics, boys don't like me. Like it just seems like everything has collapsed. I really don't know how to move forward and I wish there were an easy way to just disappear without hurting others

OP posts:
Imonlydoingwhatican · 17/08/2019 03:41

Ccb

I am currently trying to sleep in a chair next to my daughter on a childrens ward after she attempted to take her life today. Yestrday i made her have a suprise visit from cahms as her mh declined fast. Please tell your mum how your feeling, you may find she is still battling some left over feelings herself from her own struggles and you can help each other. Call your gp. But you must tell someone in real life.my sons best freind at 20 killed himself a month ago. It devastated him and i believe this contributed to.my dd declined as we had known him 10 years they were all close and it was a complete shock to us all.

I never thought i would marry or have kids. Thought i was to fat and uglybfor anyboy to fancy me. I have 3 of my own children and a step daughter who im so close too that im here with now. Ive been with my current husband 14 years. You really dont know how your life will pan out.

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:42

@Caucho
Of course your family cares ... I have a daughter and she is my whole world and if anything happened to her I would be devastated.

Mileysmiley · 17/08/2019 03:43

That should have been to the OP