to want to die

[ccb5911]

I am 19 years old, not a mum, and don't really know why I'm on mumsnet. I am really really close to killing myself but am too much of a coward to do that to my family. I'll give you some background:

I was raised pretty privileged so I know I am very lucky in that regard- I went to the best schools possible, played sports, etc. I have three older siblings, two of whom have had serious drug issues and have almost died multiple times in front of me (including when I was young). My dad cheated on my mum when I was young and so childhood was rather unhappy in that regard as there was a lot of fighting, yelling, etc. My mum also tried to commit suicide when I was 12, partially blamed it on me (only because I sided with my brother in a silly argument that night), and I was left to find the suicide note. My dad is awful; just treats everyone horribly and acts as if he is above the law because he pays for things.

I had wonderful friends in high school, but have not really managed to keep in touch with them despite my reasonable efforts. At college, I have utterly failed in making good friends. I have "friends," but they will ditch me/hurt me without second thought. It's more just people I can go out with. I have always been a very academic person, but did not do well at all this past semester as I was rather ill and struggling I guess with mental health.

I have always been close with my mum despite the suicide attempt, but when we fight, it feels as if the world is being pulled from beneath me. She is quite honestly the only person I really trust in this world and when we fight it hurts beyond words. We got in a stupid fight tonight (twice in a little more than a week) and I am feeling absolutely worthless and like I have nothing to live for. I have been awake for hours now just sobbing because I literally have no one. None of my friends care, my parents don't care, no one cares. I honestly don't know how I can go on, but I can't bring myself to kill myself because I don't want my family to live with this.
I don't even have a purpose to this post; I just have been sobbing for so long and I need someone to listen, even if it is the internet.

Love and hugs to you OP 💐💐

I hope morning has brought some light to you ccb ☀️

Good morning @ccb5911, we hope you're feeling better this morning and we're really sorry to hear you've been having such a difficult time of things.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I just want you to know that I felt exactly like you at your age and I did attempt suicide but I'm so happy it didn't work because I'm now married to the most wonderful man and we have two amazing daughters. Dont take these chances away from yourself x

CCB I hope you're feeling better this morning. Nighttime can be the absolute worst - I've been through some pretty rough times mentally over the past year and absolutely dreaded being awake in the night as it just amplifies all your thoughts and feelings.

You are absolutely loved and cared for - people can often forget to be demonstrative with it though and assume you know that. Sometimes you need to talk to them and actually express how you're feeling - do you think that's possible? Can you talk to your mum?

You really should see your GP and/or uni mental health services to get some help from them too though as you're clearly depressed (and who knows what else - I know I had delayed PTSD years after being involved in an incident, your mother's suicide attempt may have had more of a significant effect on you than you realised).

Remember, there's always someone awake on Mumsnet if you are really struggling, and as many have said, Samaritans is 24/7.

You sound like a great young woman. You have been through so so much trauma in your short life it is not surprising that you are feeling completely overwhelmed. I think you were given good advice to contact the Samaritans. Maybe you could also arrange a visit to your GP to see if you could get any help there.
As for boys.... you are still so young. I bet you are far more attractive than you give yourself credit for. At the moment, it seems like you need to focus on yourself before you can commit yourself to starting a relationship. Right now YOU are far more important than any boy.

Please try and stay strong. Come on here any time you are feeling like you need a handholding. Everyone here will try to help you.

Take care and big big hugs to you.

Hi op , just seen this . Sending positive thoughts and letting you know I care.
Have been down a similar path. You have been wonderful as you realised that you needed help. You came on here for a start.
I hope that you get the help that you both need and deserve .

I know it’s easy for me to say but suicide isn’t the answer (I been there and come through it). What I will say is my upbringing sounds so similar to yours. I saw my Mum attempt suicide many times, I was blamed for a lot of my family’s failings because it’s easy to blame a child. My family was very toxic and it wasn’t a happy home.

If I could look back and give my younger self some advice it would have been to let go of some of those relationships which are causing you harm. Anyone who treats you less than you deserve has to go. Or at the very least you need strong boundaries in place to protect yourself around them. For example if someone raises their voice at you or swears at you... end of conversation and walk away. Create a force field around yourself and keep the toxicity away! Don’t accept it.

Find a counsellor who will work with you on healing some of the hurt you’re holding on to. As you start to heal you will find friendships happen more easily and life flows better. There is probably a wall around you at the moment and you’re not letting people in which may explain why you’re finding friendships difficult (this was my experience).

Your dream to get married and have children is not irrational and if you work hard on you and healing some of the hurt the world is yours for the taking.

Although I understand how hard it is to see clearly when you’re feeling the way you do!

The way things are now is not the way they will be forever. You have already shown huge strength and resilience to cope with what sounds like a very difficult and traumatic childhood. Those are skills that are now an inherent part of your character, and they will help you get through this.

You mustn't be ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help. Your GP, your university tutor and a private counsellor are all people who can offer support and guidance.

There are people out there who are going to love you and cherish you, OP. The fact that you haven't found them yet doesn't mean they aren't there.