to want to die

[ccb5911]

I am 19 years old, not a mum, and don't really know why I'm on mumsnet. I am really really close to killing myself but am too much of a coward to do that to my family. I'll give you some background:

I was raised pretty privileged so I know I am very lucky in that regard- I went to the best schools possible, played sports, etc. I have three older siblings, two of whom have had serious drug issues and have almost died multiple times in front of me (including when I was young). My dad cheated on my mum when I was young and so childhood was rather unhappy in that regard as there was a lot of fighting, yelling, etc. My mum also tried to commit suicide when I was 12, partially blamed it on me (only because I sided with my brother in a silly argument that night), and I was left to find the suicide note. My dad is awful; just treats everyone horribly and acts as if he is above the law because he pays for things.

I had wonderful friends in high school, but have not really managed to keep in touch with them despite my reasonable efforts. At college, I have utterly failed in making good friends. I have "friends," but they will ditch me/hurt me without second thought. It's more just people I can go out with. I have always been a very academic person, but did not do well at all this past semester as I was rather ill and struggling I guess with mental health.

I have always been close with my mum despite the suicide attempt, but when we fight, it feels as if the world is being pulled from beneath me. She is quite honestly the only person I really trust in this world and when we fight it hurts beyond words. We got in a stupid fight tonight (twice in a little more than a week) and I am feeling absolutely worthless and like I have nothing to live for. I have been awake for hours now just sobbing because I literally have no one. None of my friends care, my parents don't care, no one cares. I honestly don't know how I can go on, but I can't bring myself to kill myself because I don't want my family to live with this.
I don't even have a purpose to this post; I just have been sobbing for so long and I need someone to listen, even if it is the internet.

hey OP, please don't think that your life is worthless, there are so many wonderful things ahead of you. If you need someone to chat/listen/literally anything, feel free to pm me xx

I have sent you pm ... to tell you we all care

I read this quote once and it has always stuck with me 'people who commit suicide don't want to actually die, they want their pain to end' I am sure this is true for you too.

Please reach out in real life and find someone who can help you find a way out of your pain and to a place where you can start to live again xx

@ccb do you know any "grounding" techniques? It can be trying to count your breaths, noticing things around you, standing with bare feet on the floor. It's to try to stop your mind racing and bring you a little bit of calm.

Please try either the Samaritans or that text service a pp mentioned. You have reached out here and you can do it again. You could just read out what you wrote here. Or just cry. We hear you and see you so clearly. We are holding you in our hearts and willing you to make that contact.

Is nightwotch about?

Yep

I am watching this at the moment

Hope you can get some real-life support OP

You are loved and you will get through this. All the things you dream of really are so attainable. The row with your mum will pass. The love of a parent for their child can weather all sorts of arguments and stuff - it’s made of tougher, unbreakable stuff. My dc is your age and it’s heartbreaking to think of a child in pain when you need a hug, reassurance and support. You have coped with a lot and you deserve happiness. Please do call the Samaritans and talk through these things. Stay strong, a new day is almost here and all the possibilities of good things that it brings.

I suffer with insomnia and I am watching funny vids on youtube

Ccb, just try to be kind to yourself & take one step at a time..you’re overwhelming yourself thinking about everything that might not be going well for you right now.

Please try and rest knowing that things will get better and that you will have a clearer head in the morning..but please schedule an appointment as soon as possible. You are not alone 💕

Can you have a drink of water and pop outside for a minute? I find fresh air helps me, obviously just in the very short term. Then go back in and phone the Samaritans. I understand how it feels to be so utterly miserable.

You will be exhausted and that won't help. At least if you talk to someone, you may feel a bit better so that you can get some sleep. Nothing seems as bad after a sleep.

When your mind is racing grounding techniques really do help. Say out loud “five things I can see”, then “five things I can hear”. Also counting 1,2,3,3,5 slowly as you breathe in, count slowly to 7 as you exhale. Repeat for a bit till your heart rate calms.

As to the rest, btdt. It is hard and it hurts, but the pain passes. And even if the stressors remain for a while, the feeling of it being too much to carry does pass. You’ll smile at a sunset, a kitten, a nice dessert, a funny video. Be kind to yourself, say “there there”, wait it out. You are valuable, you sound kind, sensitive, clever.

Hang in there, OP.

I know you might not be religious, but your local priest would be a good person to talk to. They are likely to know how to get you help and will listen and reassure you. They can also liaise with you mum etc if you feel you can't tell her how you feel. Just a thought.

Please call Samaritans. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Relationships and friendships at your age can be volatile. Promise things settle and people become more steady when a bit older.

Keep posting on here so we know you are ok.

Xx

I understand this feeling and feel it a lot. Takes a lot to keep going sometimes. But you CAN keep going. This is a blip. You're going to be this awesome person and your family members who put you down will be biting your dust. Uni and college stuff can be redone. You have time.

I care OP and I’m reading your posts. We are all here for you. Are you at University? They will have counsellors/mental health support in place to help you. Messed up academics seems a big deal but exams can be retaken. I had to retake all of my Alevels and delay going to Uni by a year. I ended up with a 2.1. You have a lot of life left to live. Hold onto your dream of having a baby. I had my 1st baby in my 30’s so you’ve got lots of time. Academics isn’t the only thing in life. You could go travelling and meet new people that way. Go and work as a chalet host in a ski resort...that type of thing. There are lots of other things to do. Please call somebody. Your mum or the Samaritans.

Hey ccb just another handhold in the dark.

You sound like you’re spiraling - can you do something to try and get outside your current head space like others have suggested?

And just as an aside being raised privileged doesn’t mean being raised happy or that you are never allowed to complain or be sad.

OP please give yourself a proper chance at creating the life you would really like, because so far you haven't had enough time to discover who you really can be. Every day brings opportunities for us to live life on more menaingful and self-fulfilling terms, so please think very carefully about taking that potential away from yourself. You say you wouldn't want to hurt your family by taking your own life, and perhaps that's keeping you alive. But you also find your family a source of pain and anxiety at times and feel you can't rely on them for support when you really need it, so that would explain your very understandable feelings of despair tonight. They will pass in intensity so that you can recover from this crisis point, and allowing yourself to cry is an important way of regulating your feelings and emotions so you're doing the right thing by letting out some of the pain and sadness through tears and opening up to support here. Keep reaching out in whatever ways you can and when you're feeling a bit better than you do now and have some breathing space, look into getting yourself some longer term therapeutic support to help you explore and work through your difficulties and anxieties. You so deserve to feel more in control of your life and less despairing, you have so much to offer yourself and others (including your own future children.) Sometimes it's difficult to look ahead with confidence, because we get caught up in imagining that the unsatisfactory present is only a reflection of what we can expect from the future, but that's an illusion. We change over time and through our experiences, and our lives change with us, but you won't realise that unless you focus on preserving your own life in whatever ways you can. You're clearly very attached to your mum in a way that means when she withdraws her approval of you as the result of an argument, you feel like you've fallen apart and can't go on living. As powerful as that feeling is, it's very important to realise it comes from your early years and some deep emotional need which hasn't been met and resolved. Someone who understands that and can help you heal from it (like a good counsellor, for example) will relate to you in ways that gradually teach you how you to cope with those devastating feelings, so that they lose their hold over you. You're a very valuable person in your own right, you are not your mum and you can learn to survive her emotional abandonments and begin to thrive in your own right.

Do anything you can to prove to yourself that you can trust yourself to take care of you when things get as tough and painful as they have been recently - it can be anything that holds and soothes you, like being alone with some gentle music or a warming drink, curling up into a ball and whispering soothing words to yourself, going to a place where you feel calmed and safer than you do when you're around others, reading a favourite book or watching a comforting tv programme or film. Just concentrate on giving yourself something that decreases your anxiety somehow. There's nothing you can do for others, especially when they're being hostile and drawing you into emotional battles. You must save yourself, for your own sake, and that is perfectly fine. There's only so much any of us can do for others before we lose sight of our own boundaries and wind up suffering because they don't know how to give or receive love. Your boundaries are essential for maintaining your sanity and your peace of mind, guard them jealously!! It will save your life. Make your priority being there for you and don't feel bad about that or worry that if you're feeling OK it must mean someone else's unhappiness is somehow down to you. That's simply not true, but people who pull you into their insecure orbit want you to feel bad because they feel bad. Trust me, that's no way to live your life, you must make your own emotional safety and happiness your top priority. Do it for you and for the family you'll make in years to come. And on that note, just because you haven't met your future partner yet doesn't mean you never will. Time is such a vital factor in how our lives work and play out, but we can lose sight of that when we're caught up in fears and anxieties and grief.

Please take care of you tonight, make that your only goal, and the same for tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, keep putting your own needs first until it becomes second nature to trust yourself. You're going to be OK, you have a lot to offer yourself and you mustn't let that be stolen from you by a world that expects you to "play small". You are worth much more than that

You have done really well so far - you've had siblings with drug problems, a mother attempting suicide and an abusive father. You've shown enormous strength in coping with all this.

Take it bit by bit. Get through the next half hour. Or the next five minutes if half an hour seems impossible. And keep talking - to us or to the Samaritans.

Oh sweetheart - as a mother who has a DD who keeps threatening to kill herself, all I can tell you is that any mother worth her salt would care and try her utmost to help you. Please try and talk to your DM.

Another handhold from me - you can get through this, and if you need to talk, we are all here to listen .

we care!

I very rarely post but just want you know there is one more hand out here for you to hold

Op, please don't underestimate how damaging a childhood like this would be, priveledge or no priveledge.

My sister has had lifelong mental health issues suemto family dynamics. She sought help when it became to much. Please do the same.

I’ve been there. The only thing I can say is that I am grateful every day that I kept going. It’s taken time and therapy to get where I am, but am now in a really good place.

Good morning @ccb . A big warm internet hug for ((((you)))))

I have just been reading @mineralmist's post at 04:43 and I would really recommend it. If you can believe that and hear the truth she speaks at 19 then you will be more than 20 years ahead of me in self-awareness!

You are so deserving of your own care and attention. From you, to you.