i'm not in control and i'm scared senseless

[lucyellensmum]

I dont have long to post as i have to go out soon. But basically this is the story, i dont know if any of you remember helping me and suggesting i need some medical help, i posted something on the relationship threads and lots of you picked up that i may be depressed.

Since the birth of DD two years ago, everthing has fallen to peices. Apart from having her - she is my reason fo living.
My father died without even seeing DD, she was 8weeks but he was so fucked up by alzheimers i couldnt let him see her, he was too far gone tbh and even if he had realised, how cruel would it have been to then taken her away or been standing over him jittery in case he hurt her because he didnt know who he was anymore. My relationship with DP is really suffering and we are a rats tail away from losing our home. The problem is more my hypochondria, i am constantly checking myself for tumours and terrible ilnesses. It came to a head today because i got into an absolute panic that my tonsils were the big C - FFS. When i write it down i can see how ridiculous it is (i have genetics phd and biochem degree - i should know better! my dad always used to say a little bit of knowledge is a a dangerous thing). IT has got to the point where i make DP sit in the bathroom with me when i bath because im scared of what i might find - christ, now im reading this back, i think i really am losing it. I insisted on seeing a nurse at the clinic and just broke down, she checked my mouth and told me i was worrying over nothing but i need to see my doctor as im not coping mentally.

I am so scared now, i have an appointment tomorrow - im not sure if i will go, what if they think i cant cope with DD??? I dont want to be watched by SS or anything like that. I am so ashamed of myself. I am sure of one thing though, i am a good mother, not perfect but the best i can be and my little girl is happy and the light of my life. I am just so terrified i wont be there for her when she grows up and she is going to grow up without her mummy.

What do you think will happen once i speak to the doc, please help, im so scared.

my DP is not keen on medical intervention, he thinks my problems lie in being SAHM (please dont lets debate this, im not up for the fight) and i should get a job and pull myself together, just get on with my life is what he says. Easier said than done, dont think badly of him, he has been so patient with me, he has just run out of ideas

Lucy - I have no experience so can't tell you what will happen, all I would say is that it would seem highly unlikely that anyone would take your DD off you.

But even you can see that you can't possibly go on like this - your life (apart from your dp and dd) must be a living hell with all that worry. I'm sure you are doing the right thing - take care.

huw, why would they take my DD, i do ok with her, in fact im quite good at being a mummy, its just everything else

Oh dear, lucyellensmum, what a difficult time you're having. I think your hypochondria is probably just a symptom of the way you're feeling, and the fact that you've got so many worries at the mo. I suspect the doctor will give you some ADs. Please don't worry about SS. I don't think your situation is anywhere near as bad as that. Could you take your DP along to the doctors' with you for support?

Hi, I have been exactly where you are in terms of hypochondria and for some time it ruined my life.

Went to GP about it. I find that I never remeber to tell him everything that is worrying me and worry more about the things I forgot when I get home, therefore I wrote everything down before I went to see him.

He did the following:

1. Assessed the physical symptoms I was scared of. Dismissed some of them and referred me to see someone else for others.

2. Prescribed ADs. They don't treat the anxiety but often it can be triggered by underlying depression and they can treat this.

3. Referred me to a psychiatrist who in turn referred my to a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy.

I did not find that the ADs or the CBT worked at all (although I know that they do work wonders for some people so are worth trying). What worked the best for me was talking to the psychiatrist - just being able to tell someone how I felt was great and having a relationship with the GP where he would take my concerns seriously.

Now I am alright for around 6-9 months at a time and then it suddenly creeps up on me again and as soon as it starts I go back to the GP. The longer I leave it the worse it becomes.

Don't be afraid to go to the GP. I think that most of them recognise "health anxiety" for the genuine illness that it is.

x-post lucyellensmum. I do think you should get your GP to prescribe something, as it does sound like you are depressed.

Lucyellensmum - please keep your appointment; nothing bad will happen. The doctor may prescribe you anti-depressants and he may refer you for some counselling if you think that might help. You can also ask for this. He may possibly decide you need to see a psychiatrist at some point. But things will not get better by themselves so you are doing the right thing by seeking help. I am 99.9 per cent sure SS wouldn't be involved, unless you were at serious risk of hurting yourself or your child.

You sound like you have had a horrible couple of years and have reached the end of your tether - that doesn't mean you are a bad person or a bad mother. I hope all goes well for you. x

Lucy - thats exactly what I'm saying - there's no reason for anyone to take your DD - I posted this in response to your saying "what if they think i cant cope with DD??? "

Should add that there has never been a mention of SS at anytime. You are not a bad mother but one who suffers from anxiety and pose no danger or any sort to your child.

If everyone suffering from anxiety was referred to SS the rest of the country would re required to work for them!

My GP also told me that this type of anxiety is incredibly common especially amongst people who are used to being in cotrol of every aspect of their lives.

I cannot emphasise enough that there is nothing to be ashamed of and that the GP will not judge you in this way.

I know how terrible this can feel and also how stupid it makes you feel as you are perfectly well aware in some rational part of your brain that you are making mountains out of molehills and the chances of there being anything wrong are remote.

If you want to CAT me and talk to me more about what the treatments might involve, please do.

Seem to have lost ability to type coherent words in that post - apologies.

LEM - I am off to councellor tomorrow after a course of AD's. I too cannot cope at times, although unlike you its my kids i can't handle (i have twins, oh poor me!). I have anger management issues and loose control with them a lot. I am petrified they will think my kids are at risk and will get SS to intervene. My Dh will freak if this happens and I will not see him or the kids for dust.

Just wanted to say, it takes a big person to admit theres a problem and an even bigger person to do something about it....so honestly I think we are both (me and you) doing the right thing. We cannot continue as we are, life will be better when we can be honest with ourselves and have set oiurselves on the road to recovery.

A little knowledge can be a scary thing, I have been looking up depression and I am convinced i have bipolar mood disorder!

lucye, well done for getting the appointment. Do go for it and please don't worry. It's very, very common for people to have anxiety/depression and as someone said half the kids in the country would be in care if this was a reason for SS to be involved.

I've worked in children and families SS and I can totally, categorically assure you that from the information you have given here SS would NOT be interested in your family AT ALL.

Tell the doctor what you've said here. And be assured that they have heard it many times; I know that the hypochondria you describe can be a very common symptom of anxiety.

Go and get some help so that you can enjoy your DD and your DP to the full. And be open minded. Maybe, when you're a bit better, part time work would suit you; maybe not; just be open minded about what you might need rather than trying to stick to pre conceived ideas.

Very best of luck.

please don't worry about docs thinking you can't look after your daughter. It just isn't going to happen. I had treatment for depression throughout my dss infancy. No-one ever suggested I couldn't cope with the kids, and even if there had been any concern, the emphasis would be on helping you to cope as a parent, not removing child. You sound like a devoted and competant mum who is going through a difficult time.
Your anxiety about health is likely to sill over into unrealistic fears about people's perception of you as a parent.
Here's a humerous example of my anxiety during pregnancy: psychiatrist was talking about post-natal support and she said 'If you have a section...'. I was so keyed up that I thought she meant 'if you are sectioned under the mental health act' -- whereas of course she meant a caesarian section.
Please keep the appointment. Some ADs are very helpful with anxiety btw: I found them more useful for anxiety that for depression.

Spill not sill.

Just a note to echo please don't worry about the doctor thinking you can't cope. I suffer with a different sort of anxiety - OCD. When DD was first born I was convinced that my house was full of contaminated things that would hurt her. I spent my whole time feeling absolutely terrified that something would happen to harm her. Your story reminds me a little bit of how I was in terms of obsessive thinking interfering with day to day life. I had days when the OCD would virtually paralyse me.

I had fantastic help from my HV. I also found that GPs were very sympathetic - I was put on ADs specifically tailored towards anxiety and phobias which helped enormously. I now have regular CBT which is also helpful. Although, like you I had been worried that this would happen, at no time did anyone threaten me with SS or suggest that I was incapable of being a decent mum. They were able to see that I love DD and have a strong bond with her.

It sounds like you have had a really rough time and that has taken its toll. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure you are a fantastic mum, it's just that at the moment you need some help with how you are feeling. These feelings can pass and it's OK to ask for the help you need.

you would have thought, wouldnt you, that DP would have been pleased that i am finally asking for help. Yeah right, he is really angry with me- he thinks that if i go to the doctor then they will take my little girl away. I am so confused right now. He is basically giving up on the business and i know that it is because of me because i havent supported him. I tried, i really did, but it was like bashing my head against a brick wall. I would end up nagging him to do things he didnt want to do like phoning clients, he isnt very confident about that and ends up pissing them off because he just leaves it. That has caused untold rows. I dont know if his saying this is because of the fact that he realises he is bashing his head against the wall or because of the fact that of what happened earlier. Talk about fate conspiring against me.

I was getting DDs drink cup together out of the dishwasher - she picked up a cup that was full of cruddy water that wasnt rinsed out of it - i literally was right next to her but couldnt be 100% sure, as i had my back to her, i was rinsing her other cup, that she didnt take a sip. I was on the phone to nhs direct when dp came home just to be on the safe side, as i said, i was 99% sure she hadn't drunk any and she was fine but i wanted to make sure that a) there were no delayed symptoms or problems or taht i wasnt missing something. Anyway, they said that her mouth would have been inflammed if she had it in her mouth. She was 100% i just wanted to be sure. DP had a major stress at me and said if i had been looking after her properly it wouldnt have happened. But i really didnt do anything wrong, it was a split second thing that could have easily happened to him.

I had phoned him during the day to tell him about the doc so i guess he was already pissed off with me. So im actually quite pissed off with him just now. All i wanted tonight was for him to cuddle me and tell me that everything would be ok, but all i got was shouted at that i was a bad mother (he didnt exactly say that but he may as well have). Maybe i am.

I also had a visit with a nursery today and the lady made me feel really guilty about wanting to put DD there so young. She said that if i possibly could hold off another six months and then only part time it would be better. Fucking great, it has taken me ages to convince myself that returning back to work would be positive for all of us and now the actuall nursery lady is implying that it is a shitty thing to do. She said that the dc's really struggle with full time nursery and it tends to ruin the bond between them and their parents. I said to her that she wasnt doing a very good job of getting my business. I dont actually want to get a job, but i dont think the bank are going to buy, please just give me another year with DD before they reposses my house, and dp said as much tonight.

So, now not only do i feel ridiculous and stupid, i feel like a cant win andi feel selfih and ashamed.

I was trying so hard to be positive, what the hell am i supposed to do.

Thankyou everyone for the kind words, i cant see a way out of this one though.

I wonder if your DP might be depressed or very stressed - understandable given the financial problems, and so that's why he isn't being very sympathetic. The phone phobicness of his sounds like something he needs help with. In fact it's not that dissimilar to your problem - he wants you to phone for him, you want him to reassure you.

the nursery woman sounds bonkers - when I put S in nursery at 2.5, the nursery wanted him in as much as possible, were a bit [hmmm] that I was only putting him in for 10 hours per week. Yes, 2 isn't the easiest age to settle kids in at, but a decent nursery would persevere, not have that sort of negative attitude.

total chaos, thankyou for not instantly taking the man hating attitude towards Dp, yes he is sooooo stressed just now. He isnt phone phobic , that made me smile thankyou, but he just hates awkward situations. Always been like that. He is totally stressed out by money and i feel so bad for adding to it but i really am at the end of my rope. I miss my dad, i want him back, he was meant to be here to see my little girl, he would have loved her soo much, like a dream come true for him. I just want my dad back.

lucyellen,please dont put off going to the doctor,Im sure they wouldnt even think of taking your child away.You obviously need some sort of support and the doctor will be your first step.Well done on trying to get the help.Your Husband thinks that you can just snap outof it ,but im afraid its not that simple .Maybe he could come with you to the doc,if not this time then the next and let him listen to what the doctor has to tell him.wishing you the best of luck and again well done for taking this first step

thanks mummylin, i wish he could come with too, because i cant just snap out of it, i dont actually like being like this, in fact i hate myself so much just now. The only thing that keeps me going is my children but i am going to fail both of them if i carry on this way. I am not sure what will happen tomorrow, half of me wants the easy out of andti depressants but im scared that they might change who i am., i dont want to fuck with my brain. My dad would be devestated if he could see me now

Anyone else around, i would love to talk just now

lucyellensmum Im sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It really is very hard. I think you should definitely go to the doctors tomorrow. Please, i think it will be the start of feeling better.

Btw had pnd (and I think this maybe be linked to your health fears) and didn't take anti-depressants, have slowly fought my way out of it.
Dh is sick and tired of me though.

Therapy is the best thing for it imo. Talking to someone really helps.

you will have to be advised by your doctor and follow his suggestions ,after all he will only do what he thinks is the right thing for you.I think maybe your dad would be devastated if he knew you werent going to get help ,he would be proud of you that you are.No-one likes being on medication but sometimes it is vital,my sis is bi-polar and without her doctors and medication she would never have coped.Do you have a good relationship with your doctor ?

LEM, you are deaiing with a lot of stuff, relationship difficulties, you are grieving. Your dp is likely to be feeling inadequate, out of control and frightened too.

I have an anxiety/OCD-type thing, which I can generally manage. Evenings and nights are invariably at least a little hard, though, and I do have very difficult phases, during which I too can hate myself. IMO OCD, hypochondria and similar are a metaphor, if you like, a nail on which our minds hang our anxieties and worries, feelings of being out of control and attempts to regain it. (It is all about control, or rather the lack of it, the feeling of being completely exposed to something uncontrollable such as a frightening illness). If you feel up to it, a bit of DIY CBT can be to allow yourself to go with the anxiety for a short while and feel it reach its peak and gradually ebb - as it undoubtedly will.

Good luck for the appointment tomorrow. Please go, and please try and say what's going on. I know the terror of being thought of as a bad mother, but I do think you will meet with understanding instead.