i'm not in control and i'm scared senseless

[lucyellensmum]

I dont have long to post as i have to go out soon. But basically this is the story, i dont know if any of you remember helping me and suggesting i need some medical help, i posted something on the relationship threads and lots of you picked up that i may be depressed.

Since the birth of DD two years ago, everthing has fallen to peices. Apart from having her - she is my reason fo living.
My father died without even seeing DD, she was 8weeks but he was so fucked up by alzheimers i couldnt let him see her, he was too far gone tbh and even if he had realised, how cruel would it have been to then taken her away or been standing over him jittery in case he hurt her because he didnt know who he was anymore. My relationship with DP is really suffering and we are a rats tail away from losing our home. The problem is more my hypochondria, i am constantly checking myself for tumours and terrible ilnesses. It came to a head today because i got into an absolute panic that my tonsils were the big C - FFS. When i write it down i can see how ridiculous it is (i have genetics phd and biochem degree - i should know better! my dad always used to say a little bit of knowledge is a a dangerous thing). IT has got to the point where i make DP sit in the bathroom with me when i bath because im scared of what i might find - christ, now im reading this back, i think i really am losing it. I insisted on seeing a nurse at the clinic and just broke down, she checked my mouth and told me i was worrying over nothing but i need to see my doctor as im not coping mentally.

I am so scared now, i have an appointment tomorrow - im not sure if i will go, what if they think i cant cope with DD??? I dont want to be watched by SS or anything like that. I am so ashamed of myself. I am sure of one thing though, i am a good mother, not perfect but the best i can be and my little girl is happy and the light of my life. I am just so terrified i wont be there for her when she grows up and she is going to grow up without her mummy.

What do you think will happen once i speak to the doc, please help, im so scared.

i would just like to add that it wasnt the tablets that made my sis feel suicidal,it was the illness she was suffering from,without them we probably would not have her here with us today.glad you are feeling a little better.

Agree with muppetgirl that it's about finding the right AD for you. I was on an AD in the past that was totally wrong for me (this was a prozac type one that I know works really well with some people, just wasn't what I needed). My gut told me pretty early on that it was making my anxiety much worse, so I just went back to the doctor and we went back to the drawing board. The one I take now suits me (basically because it's specifically for OCD and phobias). I felt woozy for the first couple of weeks, but once it kicked in that stopped. Also, I was started on a very low dosage. I don't feel like it has changed my personality, it has just meant that I feel more able to put distance between myself and my anxieties and work with them objectively. To be honest, I feel more like myself now than I did when my OCD was unmedicated and totally had a hold, meaning I couldn't think straight.

I was really worried that taking ADs would cause addiction, make me constantly spaced out, change my personality etc. and I went a long time refusing to take them when they would have helped me. Whether to go down the AD road is a very scary and personal decision to make. I can't tell you what the best thing for you is, but personally I'm very glad that I decided to give the ADs a chance. I hope that you are able to find whatever route is best for you.

BTW, I also agree that it is worth getting other support too - I am having CBT as well, which will hopefully get me in a place where I can come off the ADs and have mental resources to manage my condition.

thanks everyone for the replies, the doctor did say that CBT would work very well for someone like me, and then went on to say it was virtually unavailable on the NHS!!! quite upset about that as my phobias have been with me for a long time and it is onlyh now that they are ruining my life. So, whilst ADs dangle a carrot of short term improvement, if i cant get to the bottom of these fears then im fucked, basically

I get CBT on the NHS. The availability of CBT does seem to depend on where you live and what your local mental health team is like. Where I lived before, there wasn't a CBT therapist on the team , but where I live now there are a few CBT therapists on the team, so I'm getting CBT therapy on the NHS and I didn't have to wait too long to get it.

I've just run your situation by DH, who researched the CBT situation for me when we moved, so I was able to tell my GP that I knew the help was there. He says that he did a combination of googling about CBT and also ringing the local mental health authority to make enquiries as to whether there was anyone on the team qualified in CBT. You can't refer yourself when doing this, but it can give you ammnition with the GP when you go back and ask to be referred.

IME, some authorities really need pushing before they will give the help that people need for mental health issues because they are trying to cost cut. It makes me really , because people with mental health issues are usually really vulnerable and often find it hard to push for something for themselves.

Anyway, don't dismiss the CBT out of hand, look into it before you give up, and if you have a sympathetic HV you may be able to get her to push for you too.

Good luck

Message withdrawn

Has GP actually prescribed anything or given you any referals to a mental health team?

Or is (s)he just trying to save the NHS some money?

GP has prescribed an SSRI ad and has reffered me for counselling which there is a three month waiting list for. She thinks CBT is a fab idea, just such a long waiting list and hooha to get it that she is not sure it is worth it for me. Will see how it goes, but i think that long term i would really benifit.

Still not picked up the script as i am scared of the side effects but i think i may be heading for a huge fall if i dont help myself soon

for one thing, it may improve my spelling!!!!

I was terrified of admitting I had PND....my mum had to take me to the Drs to make sure I told him how I felt. I can remember sitting in his room with tears pouring down my face and saying please don't take him away from me....its hard admitting it, but its so the right thing to do and you have taken that first and so important step...well done for that

I can understand how you feel about taking the AD's but they do help....I'm on Citalopram and I did feel more anxious for the first few weeks, but once they kicked in, I really started to pick up and the me I am now compared to last August is just sooooo different (apart from weight!lol!!).....

Feel free to CAT me if you want - happy to try and help you any way I can

have been on ADs for a week now. Feel slightly better, now have appointment for counselling this friday (lucky, i was told there was a three month waiting list). I dont think my partner is going to be there for me anymore though. He just gets so angry with me and i can see im pushing him away and im in danger of losing him. I need to deal with this like a grown up and stop leaning on him so much. It was always me who was the strong one and now im like a little girl, he cant cope.

Glad to hear that the ADs have been helping you some and good luck with the counselling. Is it today? I hope your partner comes round. If he doesn't then that is his issue. Some people seem to get quite scared of counsellors or anything to do with mental health - maybe because it's for something that you can't physically see and quantify - but it makes it no less real and important to deal with. Ultimately, good on you for recognising you need the help and going out to get it. That makes you a strong person in my book

As for the CBT, if you feel it would really help then don't let your doctor fob you off. OK the NHS tries to cut costs, but the fact is, if you need the help then you are entitled to it. This sort of thing is what we pay our National Insurance for. So the waiting list is long - well the sooner your GP refers you the better then! (Of course you may find that the ADs and the counselling are enough, but if they are not, then keep on at your doctor (see a different doctor if they won't budge). (I speak as someone who health professionals have tried to fob off in the past but who now is getting the CBT she needs)