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Original poster

i'm not in control and i'm scared senseless

61 replies

lucyellensmum · 31/07/2007 13:36

I dont have long to post as i have to go out soon. But basically this is the story, i dont know if any of you remember helping me and suggesting i need some medical help, i posted something on the relationship threads and lots of you picked up that i may be depressed.

Since the birth of DD two years ago, everthing has fallen to peices. Apart from having her - she is my reason fo living.
My father died without even seeing DD, she was 8weeks but he was so fucked up by alzheimers i couldnt let him see her, he was too far gone tbh and even if he had realised, how cruel would it have been to then taken her away or been standing over him jittery in case he hurt her because he didnt know who he was anymore. My relationship with DP is really suffering and we are a rats tail away from losing our home. The problem is more my hypochondria, i am constantly checking myself for tumours and terrible ilnesses. It came to a head today because i got into an absolute panic that my tonsils were the big C - FFS. When i write it down i can see how ridiculous it is (i have genetics phd and biochem degree - i should know better! my dad always used to say a little bit of knowledge is a a dangerous thing). IT has got to the point where i make DP sit in the bathroom with me when i bath because im scared of what i might find - christ, now im reading this back, i think i really am losing it. I insisted on seeing a nurse at the clinic and just broke down, she checked my mouth and told me i was worrying over nothing but i need to see my doctor as im not coping mentally.

I am so scared now, i have an appointment tomorrow - im not sure if i will go, what if they think i cant cope with DD??? I dont want to be watched by SS or anything like that. I am so ashamed of myself. I am sure of one thing though, i am a good mother, not perfect but the best i can be and my little girl is happy and the light of my life. I am just so terrified i wont be there for her when she grows up and she is going to grow up without her mummy.

What do you think will happen once i speak to the doc, please help, im so scared.

OP posts:
Hassled · 31/07/2007 22:41

Am off to bed in a minute but have read this thread and wanted to say I'll be thinking of you tomorrow - you've been very brave just acknowledging that things have to change and getting this far. See your GP tomorrow - if you're not happy with him/her, see a different GP and get the help I think (and you know) you need.
You mentioned what your father would think - he'd be thinking "She's had a lot of problems and a shit time but she's doing something about it and I'm proud of her". he wouldn't be devastated - you have a DD and a great partner, you're clearly very bright and this will pass with help. This isn't how you're going to feel forever. Sometimes just getting through a day is a hell of an achievement, and you're doing that. I know myself how missing your parents feels so much worse when you're having a stressful time - I really feel for you.

berolina · 31/07/2007 22:41

(Try and imagine the curve on a graph, your anxiety, rising and then eventually falling. It will not keep on rising and rising limitlessly)

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 31/07/2007 22:42

thanks hassled, thanks

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 31/07/2007 22:43

whoops i didnt mean to do any sort of diagnosis there. Agree with the others the doctor will help decide with you what is best.

mummylin2495 · 31/07/2007 22:45

you will be taking a giant,brave step tomorrow and hopefully it will be the beginning of a happier phase in your life.Please go !

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 31/07/2007 22:47

marsha, how can it be pnd two years later? My doctor, now retired due to shitty bastard ill health that is going to kill him, sorry, rant, suggested PND, HV did bloody stupid questionaiire and made me feel worse, told me i was clinically depressed, last i heard of it, oever a year ago.

I just want to be back to me again.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 31/07/2007 22:54

im sorry that your doctor is no longer the one you will be seeing ,but you have to start somewhere with a new one.would you feel better with a female doc ? is this possible at your surgery ?

MarshaBrady · 31/07/2007 22:56

Honestly I'm not sure. Ds is 2 and some days i feel so freakin low.
Miss my family like mad as none of them are here (all os) and I feel like you describe (pretty tearful right now).
It makes me angry and f*cked off and everything you say. And I honestly don't know if it is pnd (still)
But I'm with you, go tomorrow please, let us know how you do (if you want to)

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 31/07/2007 23:04

my old doc was an absolute lovely, took the time to phone me at home because i had convinced myself i was about to die. I was being stupid, but he never once made me feel like i was wasting his time and always spoke to me like a contempary rather than an idiot hypochondriac that i am. I think my new doc, took a long time for health centre to come up with replacement is nice. It is a lady and i like her, althoug i have no problem with men i guess it is easier to open up and have a good blub with a woman.

I will let you know tomorrow, i do worry that using MN as a crutch is not good for me, as i am depending on it for too much, friendship etc. i really dont see anyone else aprart from dp and dd./

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 31/07/2007 23:06

if it makes you feel better to come on here and chat to people ,then it can only be a good thing,I will be thinking of you tomorrow ,good luck.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 31/07/2007 23:08

thanks ml and all of you.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 31/07/2007 23:12

we are all rooting for you,please dont feel you are alone.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 31/07/2007 23:17

mummylin, i read your profile, i like you

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 31/07/2007 23:19

oh thats nice to know,you may like to know that my second name is ellen !!!! so was my grans and my great grans.

mummylin2495 · 31/07/2007 23:22

i can imagine how scared you are feeling but you know you have to get help in order for you to feel better.Its a horrid situation for you and your dh.it isnt easy to understand when its someone else going through it.i have to go now but i will speak to you tomorrow.You can do it !

Meeely2 · 01/08/2007 11:57

hi LEM - how are you today? 2 hours til I go to councellor and bricking it. Also worried about seeing someone i know there.....

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 01/08/2007 14:47

Meely, i feel better today, thanks for asking. I hope the counselling goes well for you.

I went to the doctor this morning and she already knew all about yesterday. She was really lovely, not over sympathising like my HV, which would have made me worse. She did suggest citilopram (is it?)which i think works on seratonin receptors, similar to prozac i guess but that is the extent of my knowledge so i said that i would consider it but would need to be sure about it first. She gave me some websites to look at. She is going to put my name down for counselling but there is a 3 month waiting list so that is a bit scary.

Last night was awful, we ended up having an almighty row - poor guy, i dont think he can take much more, i dont know who needs the happy pills more, me or him. We have made up but are we papering over the cracks, i dont know - i dont want to lose him, he is my soul mate but i am pushing him away. He is really anti ADs so not sure what will transpire there as i want to make sure i have his support, he is just scared i will become addicted. I know that these are not addictive per se, but there are some worrying factors regarding suicidal thoughts etc that i want to look into before i start taking them. Saying all that, i do feel much more positive today, although im nursing the mother of all hangovers and im knackered, worryingly, the only way i got through last night was to down a bottle of wine. But i dont actually drink that much, maybe a beer a night but not every night. if it is there, i'll drink it but i tend to open the can and leave half of it undrunk, i just dont have th same will powere with wine.

I guess i should stop going on now. I am confused really by the suggestion that i have depression and anxiety because i can feel quite happy at times. No, im not bi polar I just think ive had a fair bit to cope with and its all got on top of me, im hoping i can get better without the drugs but i have the feeling i may need them.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 01/08/2007 15:10

glad to hear you have seen your doc,cant advise on what to do about any drugs ,that is your personal choice ,all i will say is that you need to do whatever it takes to make you get back on track with life .Best of luck,i too have some sympathy with your dh ,its not easy when someone you love is going through something like this and it can be very hard to understand and cope with it

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 01/08/2007 15:33

thanks mummylin - i am glad that people can see that dp is a good man. He has alot to put up with just now. I dont know if i have pushed him too far to be honest. It is easy to blur things to be his fault. Which is what i did with my mother last night, i cant believe i did that but she phoned right during a big row and it was obvious i was upset. I have explained to her that it is not Dps fault.

I'm going to look into ADs but it seems a bit daunting to be honest.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 01/08/2007 16:49

LEM, my dh was very anti AD's too, so to start with i didn;t tell him (felt like it woulod be another feather in his cap if he thought i needed drugs to get through each day). Anyway, the improvement was so amazing that the next time i booked a docs apt for a follow up chat i told dh i was going to talk about my emotions and feeling like i couldn't cope at times. He was like 'whatever'.

when i came home, i told him she had put me on these pills (told him they were mild and it was just a trial period), i shrugged off his negative comments and that was that. as the months went on and i continued to improve (i was in good humour, i coped with boys, we started having jiggy again!), he saw the benefits and would even comment if i had a bit of adown day asking if i had remembered to take my pills!

I'm off them now and as you know have been to 'councelling' today, found out it was actually CBT (won't bother trying to spell it), and i will be discussing with dh later. He still of the 'sort yourself out, and get on with it woman' school but i think he is coming round to the fact that there are some things he doesn;t understand and things he can't control so he's best off staying out of it and letting it happen.

I will post later about how today went.

Meeely2 · 01/08/2007 16:52

oh and i was PETRIFIED when i took my first pill.....I have never taken drugs of any kind and was convinced it would alter my personality and make me a weirdo! the first few weeks i was a wee bit spaced out and felt like i was watching my life from above and i did feel sick, but the feeling of calm i got was amazing.

Beware though drinking while on the can cause you to loose whole evenings of your life - complete blanks, quite scary.

mummylin2495 · 01/08/2007 17:01

i do understand the position your dh is in because i have been through it all with my sister.It is very hard ,butif you have a definite name for your illness it would maybe help him to read about it,that is what i had to do .I read everything i could find about bi-polar in order to try and understand her illness and to be able to understand her better,That is how i was able to help her.Its a tough old road sometimes but you will get there im sure

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 02/08/2007 10:00

hello everyone - i am feeling a little better today. I felt worse yesterday as had hangover, not very sensible. I had a big row with DP again, he because really withdrawn about the ADs but during our row he said i needed to go and ask for them because i am clearly phsychotic! I was being shitty to DP and he was just reacting and he obviously is a bit scared too.

I'm still scared about the ADs and frustrated because i have read how they have really worked for people. Im just scared they might make me suicidal. I actually felt terrible last night, more because the doctor told me i was depressed than anything else. It takes the control away doesnt it. If i am depressed then how am i going to get better, a positive attitude might not be enough, but wringing my dogs neck because he has just shit in the kitchen might!!!!!! little bugger.

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 02/08/2007 10:28

Hi lem
Sorry just been away and read this but good to hear things are moving forward from your last post. Anyway, sorry about your row last night, and sorry to hear about dogpoo too.
From what I've read here it seems that dp is as scared as you are? AD's are scary because taking them means accepting that this illness is something beyond our control.
Sometimes when we feel like this perhaps we have to dip our toes in the water a little. Would it be possible to agree some kind of trial option, with him being involved as much as possible?

muppetgirl · 02/08/2007 10:41

Lem

So sorry to read what you're going through...I haven't read all the replies so sorry if what I say has been said before.

I was ad's for depression and anxiety due to severe pnd.

The ad's are meant to act as a 'leveller' in which they calm you, put you on a more level plain where you can then start to tackle the issues you have, in your case hypocondria. What other treatment has been offered to you over and above the ad's? I had counselling but that didn't work due to the lady only being able to fit me in every fortnight. I was referred to the mental health team and once assessed it was decided that pyschology would help. I have seen my psychologist every week for months and she has used various treaments with me cbt being one of them. What I found really helped was to write down my thoughts and feelings to get them out of my head. (I see once you have written your thoughts down you are very able to give them perspective but in your head they just mull around getting more and more frightening.) I date them and sometimes let dh read them when I know I just can't face talking with him.

Ad's come in many shApes or forms and the prozac based ones can give you side effects that are the symptoms of depression. If this is you then go back....there are others you can try. I was on fluoxitine and this was a prozac based one and did give me side effects and made me feel worse so I changed and feLt much better. (I also have a friend who used flouoxitine and felt great)
I hope you begin to feel better soon, there is light at the end of the tunnel.