I can't think of a reason to live.

[CandiedSkulls]

Please don't delete this. I know I'm going to get links to the Samaritans, I've tried them in the past and have not found them helpful but I'm fine with getting linked again. I don't have anyone to talk to IRL, I'm not going to kill myself imminently, please let this stand if people choose to respond.

As the title; I really can't. My life is devoid of anything. I don't work, I live with my parents and claim ESA for MH issues. I don't have friends. Crippling OCD rules a lot of my life.

Doctor doles out meds. I take them. I've had therapy, systematic desensitisation, mindfulness. Doesn't do anything. I'm diagnosed with depression, GAD, social anxiety, OCD and OSFED.

I think about dying constantly. I dream about it. I have two nephews who I adore and I want the absolute best for them, one of them is well bonded to me (the other is only 10 weeks old) and I know he would miss me. But I think it would be better if I wasn't here. I'm a very negative influence, I try very hard to fake being happy and ok around him and the rest of my family but really, what's the point? I could leave him a few thousand £s, that'd be better than me.

How do I find a reason to live? I don't want a relationship - I'm asexual and lost my virginity through being raped. I don't ever want to have to have sex again. I spend so much time wishing I was dead, that it would just spontaneously happen. I dream of it. In most of my dreams, I'm finding ways to kill myself. I have to fight to stop it becoming another OCD compulsion, it's exhausting. I don't really know what I'm fighting to preserve. I don't have a life. I'm just a thing that exists. I'm barely human.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry things are so terrible right now. There's so much in your post, but what's really struck me is this idea that a few ££ would be better for your nephew than him having you in his life. I don't know you, but I know that every person who loves a child and is able to put them first adds to their life and their resilience and wellbeing. And if he ever faces mental health challenges of his own, your strength and tenacity will be an inspiration to him.

I don't know what to say. You ARE precious and worthwhile. Your nephews do and will adore you and spending time with you. It all sounds shit but out of manure flowers grow.

If I were nearby I'd give you a huge hug right now.

Your nephews love you... you have a family you belong to that love you!

Thank you so much for replying.

Is it really better to have me than money for my nephew? I could help him buy his first car, or put money towards a house deposit, or pay for his spends at Uni. That has to be better than me; a drain on society/resources and an all-round depressing, annoying, bane. I save for him regardless (I don't really spend a lot of money because I don't need a lot) but I want him to have the best.

He, and my other nephew though he isn't aware yet, have so many people who love them. I'm just one of them. I'm not even a real person, so I barely count. I think I'm more toxic with my 'woe is me/depression/anxiety/OCD/eating disorder' presence than anything else.

I have lost family members. I would give all the money in the world to have them back. You are more important than money.

I type too slowly, thank you both for replying

Blackboard, my nephew is the only person who hugs me. No-one else chooses to. I know he'll grow out of it, he's a very huggy 2 year old but it's lovely. He'll grow up and forget about me though, and I think that's ok.

I know I have a family, and I don't want to hurt them. I know I have to wait until my mum dies before I can do the same, because it would destroy her. It's just hard. I spend hours every day thinking about just going to the train tracks and waiting there.

Blackboard, I'm sorry for your loss. I've lost family members too, and my best friend killed herself when we were 18. I'd do anything to have taken any of their places so they could live again. I just don't think I'm really enough of a human to justify myself against money.

I’m so sorry you feel like this. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I was raped 15 years ago and it has absolutely wrecked my life. I’ve had 3 major breakdowns and several bouts of severe depression since then .I’ve never been a day without crying and feeling intensely sad since. I left my own wedding early because I to cry. One thing I’ve come to realise is that no matter how much therapy you have the pain doesn’t really go away- I think you just have to try and build a life that makes you forget about the pain temporarily. I had been planning on trying a new hobby like learning a musical instrument (I can’t now because I’m pregnant). Could learning an instrument (or something else where you could see when you are making progress) be something you might consider? As well with something like that would only be the teacher you’d have to meet so it wouldn’t be a thing where there are lots of people to deal with. I didn’t work for a long time due to my mental health too but I did find that doing a few hours volunteering a week did increase my confidence slightly and enabled me to move forward into part time work .I have spent huge periods of my life wanting to die- but it really is so final and a child like your nephew won’t be able to understand why and he will miss his aunt. I am always here if you want to talk. I wish I could give you a hug! x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Don't worry - we're not going to be deleting your thread.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Just checking in on you? How are you feeling?

Hi Op, do you think you could speak to your family about how you’re feeling? Maybe they could help put into perspective how much you are wanted. Is there anything that you are interested in, or even used to be interested, such as playing a musical instrument or art. It sounds silly but maybe taking up something like that could be an outlet for your feelings?.

I have a nan who has BPD and she is suicidal quite often and always says we would be better off without her, but we really wouldn’t, she means the world to us even if she doesn’t realise it herself. So please don’t feel as if your family would be better off without you, I assure you they wouldn’t be.

Thank you all, so much.

MNHQ posted their message, so obviously they think I'm here begging for something. I'm really not. As I said, I'm not struggling for money; I pay rent to my parents and pay for my food then the rest of my money just sits in my account. I'm not asking anyone for anything.

I've tried hobbies in the past. I don't care about anything enough to continue it. I read on here a lot, sometimes I try to contribute about the things I've thought interested me but I'm a flake. I care about things for 5 minutes then they're gone.

It's all moot since the MNHQ message means I'm just a beggar so who cares. Thank you all for your kindness.

I care OP, I care.

MNHQ have to cover themselves; if they thought you were 'just a beggar' they would have deleted you.

I have no advice as such but I just wanted to tell you that you matter, that people do care, even strangers, and that your nephews will always be better for having you

You're a lovely person, thank you so much. Please don't waste your time on people like me, I'm not really human.

My nephews deserve so much better, I'm basically a fragment of a human that gets to pretend to be full human sometimes. I try to interact on here, or reddit, or twitter, or insta, and I can only maintain that lie for a certain time. They need someone consistent. I'm not.

I'm actually a bit of an arsehole tbh, but something about your post made me want to reply. I mean I'm not always an arsehole, just sometimes. Just as you are totally still human; even though you are not feeling it just now.

You can and will get better; and your nephews can give you some strength to help you do it. They will never be better without you.

You are completely human. Your nephews deserve you, and it sounds like you and your eldest nephew have a great bond so they clearly love you very much. I know it might not feel about it but your family do care about you. They don’t need someone consistent, they need you. You really do matter Op, I know it’s so hard to see when you feel the way you do but it’s true.

Do your family know how you’re feeling? Do you think telling them may help you?.

An arsehole wouldn't have taken the time out of their schedule to reply, so I'll choose to believe that you're actually not that much of an arse, all in.

But, I'm kind of an arsehole too. I don't do nearly enough for anyone else. You've taken the time to be very kind, with no advantage to you, and I'm incredibly grateful. Thank you.

I don't think I can say that the boys will benefit more from my presence than from the presence of a few thousands of £s. I'm not really anything, money is tangible.

McShakey I hope I'm tagging people properly on here, I don't tend to use tagging on MN.

I adore my nephews. I know the oldest and I are close, he is a lovely child. I mean, he's a typical toddler in that he can be crazy, but he's a sweet boy. Being with him is bittersweet because I know I can never have children.

My family do not know how I feel. I could never tell them. We don't have that kind of relationship. I live here because I have to (I do pay, I'm not a total freeloader), but we're not close. My parents and I get on ok, but talking about personal issues is not something we do, and I would never consider letting my parents in on how i feel.

I want to qualify that message. My family and I are very distant emotionally, we always have been. If I was to take my own life, I would do it so that my family would not be the ones to find it. We're not close but I know they would be upset by that.

Hi OP,

You're in a dark place at the moment, it's been lighter before ( maybe you can't see that right now, but it has! )

Depression clouds everything and makes us feel there is no way out.

But, there is!

As the song goes, -'hold on for one more day, things will go your way '

Tomorrow you're probably not going to feel much different but could you do a really positive thing and speak to your GP in confidence about how you're feeling..
Get meds tweaked...

Life is precious and you WILL find a way to overcome your past.

Those boys need you! Not just anyone YOU 💞

You're brave for posting.

Keep talking pet.

It WILL be okay X

LittlefairyMum hoping my @ skills work on MN because you are so kind.

I don't want to think about how many years I've felt like this, and I try so hard to ignore it. I honestly do so much to pretend I'm ok. I post on here and on twitter, I ramble on to people. I really do what I can and it's exhausting but I really do try.But it boils down to nothing.

I can't talk to my GP. I'm scared of being sectioned, I've lied to my GP a lot (faking my weights, pretending I'm not suicidal) and I can't tell the truth now. I don't trust them anyway.

Thank you so much for replying, you're so kind.

OP I am very sorry you are feeling so low. There is lots of reasons to live in your OP, you have family, your nephews.
I am so sorry for the trauma you have suffered.
I'm not qualified to give advice, I picked up on your nephew is the only one who hugs you, could it be because you hug him too? Can you bring yourself to hug another person in your family? It is not always easy for the family too, they are probably unsure of your boundaries.
Are your family members affectionate.
Warmth breeds warmth.
I mentioned before I read a book many years ago, it changed my thinking William glasser was the author, choice theory.
I wish you all the best, please don't give it.

Sorry I missed your update on your family being distant.
Can you get some help getting a small place of your own.
OP I am sending you the bestest virtual hug, your important, you deserve to feel important. 🤗❤❤

EmeraldShamrock, thank you so much for responding. My nephew hugs me because he's a sweetheart.He instigated the hugs; I'm very careful to say "if he wants to!" when my sister says "hug Auntie goodbye!" I don't force it at all. I remember hating being forced to hug/kiss random family members, so I would never ask for it.

I don't touch other people as a general rule. I really only want to be touched on my terms and yes, I know that is unreasonable and ridiculous. I am, I'm a dick. I don't have anyone that I'm close to. My family and I are not important to each other; I'm the oldest child so I was only born as the guinea pig. This has been made very clear to me.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time

How about changing your GP if you don't trust your current one?

I have been where you are right now lots of times. I've struggled with my mental for over twenty years and contemplated suicide many times. Last year I became closer than I have ever become and wrote my letters to my family and decided how to do it. I was having counselling at the time and I told my counsellor of my plans. She took me to A&E. I ended up having six months of EMDR therapy (which I funded myself) and I'm under a psychiatrist now. Have you tried EMDR? It's trauma based. I'd tried loads of therapy and not really found any of it that helpful on a long term basis but EMDR really helped me.

I completely agree with the other posters here, your family would be absolutely devastated if you weren't around anymore. I've known families who have lost someone to suicide and things are never the same again for them. Please hold on for them and especially for your nephew. Think about seeing him grow up. He loves you and the little one will love you just as much.

Thinking of you.