I can't think of a reason to live.

[CandiedSkulls]

Please don't delete this. I know I'm going to get links to the Samaritans, I've tried them in the past and have not found them helpful but I'm fine with getting linked again. I don't have anyone to talk to IRL, I'm not going to kill myself imminently, please let this stand if people choose to respond.

As the title; I really can't. My life is devoid of anything. I don't work, I live with my parents and claim ESA for MH issues. I don't have friends. Crippling OCD rules a lot of my life.

Doctor doles out meds. I take them. I've had therapy, systematic desensitisation, mindfulness. Doesn't do anything. I'm diagnosed with depression, GAD, social anxiety, OCD and OSFED.

I think about dying constantly. I dream about it. I have two nephews who I adore and I want the absolute best for them, one of them is well bonded to me (the other is only 10 weeks old) and I know he would miss me. But I think it would be better if I wasn't here. I'm a very negative influence, I try very hard to fake being happy and ok around him and the rest of my family but really, what's the point? I could leave him a few thousand £s, that'd be better than me.

How do I find a reason to live? I don't want a relationship - I'm asexual and lost my virginity through being raped. I don't ever want to have to have sex again. I spend so much time wishing I was dead, that it would just spontaneously happen. I dream of it. In most of my dreams, I'm finding ways to kill myself. I have to fight to stop it becoming another OCD compulsion, it's exhausting. I don't really know what I'm fighting to preserve. I don't have a life. I'm just a thing that exists. I'm barely human.

Hi Lily, I'm so sorry that you've struggled so much. I have all my letters ready too, all marked out so my family can access them easily.

I haven't tried EMDR, could you tell me what that entails? I've tried CBT, psychodynamic psychotherapy, regular counselling, mindfulness.

I know how it feels to lose someone to suicide. My best friend killed herself, and I know that my opinions mean nothing because I'm not family, but I'm glad that she's not hurting anymore. I'm also jealous but I recognise that's because I want out of this world too.

I can't change my GP, with my practice, you just get given whichever GP is available. I always request a female GP, I can't cope with being in a room alone with a man (yes, I know, not all men are rapists, I'm an unreasonable horrible person, please don't tell me, I already hate myself).

I'm making things so difficult, I know. I'm so sorry. Everyone here is so kind and I'm just this horrible approximation of a human being. I'm not really anything.

Might be worth reading up on ASD in women, OP.

Wishing you the best x

Hi OP,

Could you maybe go to your GP and not tell absolutely everything but tell them you're feeling lower than usual.

Maybe get meds ? Different meds ? Or have your meds upped ?

When I was feeling low, this is what I did and it really helped me.

It won't always be this way. You just need a helping hand right now.

Thinking of you

@CandiedSkulls I didn't mean for a second your nephews hugs were forced, I meant he loves you, your his aunt and he wants to hold you x
Family are dicks OP. It is totally ok to have boundaries on hugging and touching. I hope your feeling better today, every single person on the thread is hoping for you.

ASD is screaming at me too, your thoughts come across like my DD. EMDR is useful to her, maybe a proper diagnosis will help you understand things better, show you none if these feelings are your fault.

Hi Candied. I have a nephew too and know what you mean. Yours sounds a sweetheart. I wonder what the little one will be like when he’s the elder one’s age.

You mention being scared of being sectioned. I know this sounds a bit odd but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Have you been an inpatient before? I volunteer in the mental health sector and the people I meet are cared for and listened to and helped. The vast majority say how much their mental health has improved. You can still go out and see your nephews, it’s not like being in a prison or a hospital. I understand that it’s still a huge deal and I’m not trying to negate that at all - I just want you to know that actually, inside, it’s ok.

Hey OP,

Trying my best here as this is a major trigger for me. I understand your situation, I've been there many times. It gets so bad that you almost don't actually want to get better as you don't believe it's possible or worth doing. I understand your feelings towards suicide, I don't see it as a tragedy, that person is finally free of the pain. I don't like the concept of virginity, the idea that a man (or woman) has the power to give me a label and then change me is bullshit. However I do believe that your virginity or whatever you want to call it is something that you decide to give, it can't be taken from you. To me that happened willingly when I was 22, not 16. I too was asexual for a while and hated physical contact. I have ASD and it sounds like you might too. Regarding treatment, you may qualify for good old fashioned ECT, it's done properly now and incredibly successful. The fact that you've posted on here suggests that you do want help and support, and there's so many people that can do that, I'm proof of that. I hope you find what helps you and what your purpose is in life, you definitely have one

Thank you all for replying to me.

I don't have ASD (I have been tested), I know that I write very formally at times which is often associated with ASD but it's really because the alternative is just typing out the equivalent of screaming.

I'm already on the maximum doses of my meds, and it's taken a LOT of trial and error to get to a point where the meds don't make me sick/critically suicidal. I will be seeing the GP next month though, so I'll float the idea of changing to see what they think.

I would not cope as an inpatient. I have crippling OCD; I clean literally everything constantly. An inpatient unit would be unbearable. I have an eating disorder and I need to eat certain things at certain times which I don't imagine a hospital could accommodate.

Strange, the idea of ECT scares me. Too many horror movies, maybe?! I don't want my brain to be changed. I want to feel better because I, as a person, am better. I don't agree that the concept of asexuality is a thing you feel for a while, it's a sexuality that is just as valid as homosexuality or heterosexuality. I've always been asexual, and I don't imagine I'll change.

Thank you all again for replying to me.

Didn't mean to offend, I completely agree asexuality is a sexual orientation just like homosexuality and heterosexuality. For me though I felt truly asexual for 22 years and then my feelings changed, perhaps like people who are married for years but then realise they're gay? Who knows, but for some people I think sexuality can change, that was all. TBH I wish my feelings hadn't changed! (Life was easier)

Hope you find what helps you x

Hi OP - I'm a mum of a teenager who I recently discovered is currently suicidal , she's 18. I'm lying awake right now and have been since end April trying to figure out what's going on and what to do to make her pain better. ......have a virtual motherly hug from me, there are some of us out there who care you know! 💐 I remember someone once saying that when a person takes their own life, it doesn't end the pain, it just passes on to everyone who has ever known them or whose life has been touched by them. You've touched a lot of lives and continue to do so....your sister (she must think a lot of you to share her kids with you) and the nephews. I'm not trying to guilt you into hanging around, I'm just saying don't kid yourself that money will somehow make good the tragedy of you ending your life....it just wouldn't.
I love to do a 'do this' plan but since I can't sort my own bloody life out, that'd be a bit rich! 🙂 I just want you to know that's you've painted a picture of pity and burden in your posts .....but you have as much right to inhabit and enjoy this godforsaken earth as any of us pitiful mortals OP. Stick around .....I can tell you're a very good'un!

I'm a right cunt usually and I don't want you to die either. No one would be better off without you especially not your nephew. Children are very honest. If a child loves you then you are very much worth it and he clearly does. Talk to your GP or show them what you have written here and accept their help. You will come out the other side of this and one day it'll be you saying exactly what I'm saying to another MNer who is suffering and can't see the light at the end if the tunnel.

Even if you aren’t a very nice person (which I don’t believe is true), you have been through something that is so unimaginable to so many people. I have always said that unless you have been raped yourself there is no way you can possibly understand the pain and the way it absolutely destroys your life. The torture of it can make you do things that you would never have before. I hurt a lot of people close to me after I was raped- some of those people I have never been able to rebuild relationships with. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Is there a really small thing that you could do in the short term everyday that would bring you a small amount of comfort- even something like making yourself a hot chocolate or buying a nice cream to rub on your feet or sitting quietly and listening to a song you like. Things can’t go from awful to good overnight but even tiny steps will help. I really wish I could help you x

You're not a horrible approximation of a human being. Neither are you not really anything. You have some very strong and persistent thought patterns that are telling you some violent stuff which you currently seem to be believing as fact. Non of which is true. You talk about money quite a lot in your post and it made me wonder if that relates back to something in your childhood about 'value' and 'worth'. Because the bottom line is that we all have value and worth. Not for anything that we do, just simply because we are here right now. To say that money has more value than your life completely devalues everything that it means to be human. We are all a mix of different thoughts, emotions, feelings and we are all here with a variety of life experiences and ups and downs. Right now you are telling yourself you are better off dead. Tomorrow the thoughts you have might say something completely different. Non of us know what changes are up ahead, but the decision to end a life takes away any possibility of transformation or change. We just have this one precious life and time here. So many of us experience suicidal thoughts, you are absolutely not alone in experiencing this so please don't believe that you are. Just believe that you can and will move through this.

Have a look for a horse therapy centre nearby - not horse riding, horse therapy. It just might help.

OP I just wanted to send you a hug. You are a whole human despite what you may think. As deserving as anyone else of a happy life. I hope you can find something or someone to help you feel better x

I wanted to die pretty much on a daily basis for the three decades when I was approximately between 10 and 40yrs old. I was an accident baby and have been sexually abused as a child. If I wasn't an only child and if euthanasia had been available, I wouldn't have lasted beyond my 20s. I ended up having children to give me something else to live for as I got older besides my parents. It has worked yet also added its own negatives. For many years I wanted to be replaced with a clone mum for them & euthanise myself.

I'm on meds & have had therapy but, like a PP, I've recently had a form of EMDR which seems to have made the difference, in that I can now go through the days without being consumed by self-loathing and constantly obsessing over being pointless & worthless. I thought EDMR sounded like a load of bobbins but as I knew it is an accepted form of therapy & I had nothing to lose by trying it, I gave it a shot. I still think about dying but it's more like from habit.

Another PP mentioned horses & I would agree that animal interaction can be beneficial. I volunteer at a sanctuary as there is very little expectation beyond cleaning up shit unless one wants to do more. I also do volunteer reading help with primary kids. Their energy & reaction is very positive & they love the attention of someone who is not a relation or authority figure. If you get something out of the involvement with your nephews, then that could transfer into doing something with other kids job-wise or in your spare time that would be purposeful.

I also agree with a PP that sexuality can be fluid with time/your age, having previously felt asexual, gay, bi and now living as straight, so you may change at some point; don't completely rule it out as impossible.

Hi op.

I just wanted to add a couple of things . I have been in a very difficult place and with similar thoughts . I now have Ds the one thing I needed to change was my thought process. The suicidal thoughts I replaced o what do I have to do to change the way I feel ?.. how can I change this situation.

Your Nephew sees the real you and no money would replace his aunt.

I will also add as I got well I discovered many of the people around me were really not interested in me recovering . Some were co dependant, my exh liked me been at home so he could do exactly what he wanted and for others it gave them a feeling of superiority.

Do search for what will make you content no a reason to live that’s too hardca question

I’m no dr or medic. But it sounds like you have PTSD due to your trauma.
Please, please go back to your dr and ask for some more help. There are drugs to control your ocd and depression. You need trauma counselling to m on.
We ALL have the same feelings as you at one time or another, the key is to put it behind you and flourish with each new thing you encounter for find that you can do!
Don’t suffer any more. Please don’t wait, ask for some help xx

I wasn't going to come back to this thread but I read through the responses and everyone was so kind to spend their time replying to me that I couldn't not. I'm sorry for it being late. I find it hard to talk to people and I need to psych myself up for it.

StrangeEleven You didn't offend me, I'm so sorry it came across that way. I'm just so used to being told "Oh, you're asexual because you were raped" and ignoring the fact that my feelings were the same way before it happened. I was rude and defensive, and I'm sorry.

MrsGrammaticus Great name, I'm sorry in advance for my grammar! I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and finds the happiness she deserves in life. You caring for her is a wonderful thing. I definitely understand the notion that someone committing suicide merely passes the pain along, I felt that when my best friend died. I don't want to inflict that on anyone else, that's why I'm still here! It's horrible and I hate it but, I don't want anyone else to hurt. I haven't meant to create a picture of pity at all, maybe I'm more emotive in my writing than I mean to be.

thesnap You're not all that much of a cunt if you comment trying to be useful, thank you. I do have to see my GP next month but honestly, none of them are great. You'd think they'd be better since a GP from that practice committed suicide a year ago, but the MH knowledge amongst the staff there is dire. I'll try anyway, I always do.

Allbetternow I hope your username is true. You are so lovely, thank you. Rape is something you can't begin to explain the impact to, to someone who hasn't experienced it. I can't count the people who've told me it should be in the past, or the men who've said they'll show me "how good" sex can be. Yeah, no thanks. I hate the word 'triggered' because of how negative the internet has made it, but I'm triggered by so many things all the time. You've helped me just by commenting, so thank you so much for that.

Woollycardi Thank you for your thoughts. I've thought the same thing for years now, there isn't a day that I wake up not wishing I was dead. I did grow up with a lack of money, not in poverty, but not being able to have "spends", so perhaps I do equate money to worth. I do recognise the worth that money has though, and I as a person, have very little.

Sarahlou Meatbadger Thank you both for your thoughts, agoraphobia means that going out to find a horse-riding place is untenable currently but it's something I'd love to do in future.

idlevice I'm sorry for the things you've experienced and I'm so glad you've found that EMDR worked for you. I'm going to speak to my GP about it next month when I see her and see if it's a tangible option. I do think animal interaction can be helpful. I've had pets in the past, and my anxiety cranked up to the maximum with them. I constantly worried if they were warm enough, fed enough, safe enough, etc. It was awful. I had guinea pigs for a few years, and I barely slept because I had to go and check on them outside every two hours. I adored them (my last girl died a few months ago) and I spent my time making sure they had the best life they could. But my MH definitely suffered because of it, and I'm not over the euthanasia of my last girl (long story).
I do agree sexuality can be fluid, but I also think a person knows in their heart if something feels 'right'. I don't want to disparage anyone's experiences, so I'm so sorry if this sounds insensitive but I think there's a part of you that thinks "huh, this isn't quite for me maybe". I've never felt sexual attraction. At all. I'm attracted to people, but never sexually. It's lonely like this, I know I'm unlikely to have a relationship (I identify as asexual, biromantic), but I accept it because I'm not someone anyone else would want to be with.

Starlight Congratulations on your lovely DS, I hope you enjoy every moment with him. How beautiful that he could replace the negative thoughts you had with something positive. Maybe my nephew does see the real me, I let him get away with absolute murder! But he's so loving even if I have to tell him off. I wish you both the best, it sounds like you've extricated yourself from a bad situation, and you deserve great things

No one has wasted their time . You are not a half person but someone struggling greatly.