Please don't delete this. I know I'm going to get links to the Samaritans, I've tried them in the past and have not found them helpful but I'm fine with getting linked again. I don't have anyone to talk to IRL, I'm not going to kill myself imminently, please let this stand if people choose to respond.
As the title; I really can't. My life is devoid of anything. I don't work, I live with my parents and claim ESA for MH issues. I don't have friends. Crippling OCD rules a lot of my life.
Doctor doles out meds. I take them. I've had therapy, systematic desensitisation, mindfulness. Doesn't do anything. I'm diagnosed with depression, GAD, social anxiety, OCD and OSFED.
I think about dying constantly. I dream about it. I have two nephews who I adore and I want the absolute best for them, one of them is well bonded to me (the other is only 10 weeks old) and I know he would miss me. But I think it would be better if I wasn't here. I'm a very negative influence, I try very hard to fake being happy and ok around him and the rest of my family but really, what's the point? I could leave him a few thousand £s, that'd be better than me.
How do I find a reason to live? I don't want a relationship - I'm asexual and lost my virginity through being raped. I don't ever want to have to have sex again. I spend so much time wishing I was dead, that it would just spontaneously happen. I dream of it. In most of my dreams, I'm finding ways to kill myself. I have to fight to stop it becoming another OCD compulsion, it's exhausting. I don't really know what I'm fighting to preserve. I don't have a life. I'm just a thing that exists. I'm barely human.