I’m a bad mum & need help

[beckylou28]

I know people are going to think I’m disgusting because I do too. I absolutely love my children boy 2 & girl 4 I take them out on a regular basis and I enjoy my days out with them but I mainly take them out because I cannot tolerate them in the house. I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t of had children and that fills me with overwhelming guilt! I’m on my own with them following a bad break up. Their dad has them at the weekends, I have been to doctors and counselling but they just keep changing my medication. I’m now concerned at my rage and anger, I scream at them like literally SCREAM because I’m sick of the constant fighting the constant not being able to send a message on my phone or make important phone calls or keep up with my cleaning and household chores. I feel like everything’s a battle. Today I’ve had to reach out as after 3 times of time out with my little girl while tryin to clean my house, i screamed at her, I grabbed her tightly round the arms and shouted in her ear “Why, why are you doing this to me? Why do you not listen? Why?” And I just went on and on I grabbed her face and said you’re making your mum sad and cross and angry and I can’t do this anymore I then fell to the floor crying as she was telling me I had hurt her race & arms, I felt physically sick how could I hurt my own child? Rage just took over me and it was uncontrollable! I have said sorry and hugged her and told her I love her and she was absolutely fine, but I’m not! I feel disgusting and if I said this was the first time, I would be lying, this is reacurring and I don’t know what to do anymore! I hate waking up in the mornings and just want to go to bed, I feel the minute I open my eyes this starts! I just don’t know what to do or we’re to turn anymore, anyone who can help me or give me advise please do because I just feel like reaching for a bottle of wine and I have a sad feeling of not wanting to be here anymore & feeling that my children deserve and would be happier without me because I’m a cruel horrible bitch of a mother!!! Please some one any one with advice, thank you

Op you need to ask for more help or medication. You are not bad or disgusting but you can't carry on like this :( well done for realising it needs to change.

I recognise so much of what you've written but I had it much easier than you. You need help to get you through the hard bits.

I don't think you're disgusting, I think you're struggling and you need help. You know this too, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it and you wouldn't be feeling so awful. There is no magic wand that will change the situation, you have to want to change and then work at changing but actually recognising there is a problem is the first step.

Contact your Health Visitor tomorrow and speak to her about how you are feeling and what's been happening. She will be able to assess your needs and then help you access the specific support you and your children need. She's not going to judge you and while she may involve Social Services they're not going to swoop in and take away your DC if they're not in any immediate danger and you can show you're taking measures to improve matters (e.g., by contacting the Health Visitor).

It’s so nice to know someone else has been through it and I’m not alone, because i look at my friends and family with their children and I just think what’s up with me? I miss just being me sometimes, being able to just do things for myself but then I feel like you have two amazing children you should be grateful, this is becoming a daily occurrence and it’s breaking my heart, I’m spending so much of my time feeling miserable rather than happy ... it’s so hard, and sometimes you are scared to be totally honest with go, counsellor ect because you worry about we’re it may lead. Because overall I do love and want my kids! I’m sick of feeling guilty because I’m not enjoying my time with them or because I’ve spent all morning screaming at them! I just want to enjoy life and enjoy my children

Everyone feels like this to some degree, at times. They just don't put those times on Facebook. Op please get help. Do you have local friends?

Thank you, I will do this tommorow I really appreciate you taking time out to reply and give me some good advice, I am extremely grateful, thank you

You need to connect your health visitor or GP as soon as you can and tell them what has happened. Being honest about how much you are struggling will help you get the help you need.

Can you take regular time out in a room? Just 5 mins every now and then to help you keep calmer, get your through the day.

You are not a bad mother, you are struggling and deserve help.

I have friends and I spend a lot of time with them and their kids, I tell them to an extent but won’t be 100% honest in fear they will judge and think I’m disgusting. When I see people in public shouting at their children I feel sick, and the reality is.. that me, just behind closed doors

Please get help. Please. Don't minimise this tomorrow if you're in a better mood.

I'm not trying to kick you, honestly. But speaking as someone who had an abusive parent, what you're are doing hugely crosses the line. It will scar them for life if you don't tackle it.

They love and need you desperately, and no one will ever replace you. Nothing comes close to your own mum.

Don't get drunk, don't reach for the wine; don't keep beating yourself up: instead start looking for ways to control your temper. Have you tried books like "how to talk so that children listen" and so on?

Could you also ask for their dad to take them right now as you get used to new medication? Say it's an emergency if you're really losing control?

I wouldn’t allow it to get out of hand, whenever anything’s getting out of hand I seem to recognise it before I lose control beyond help I do seem to notice when it’s geting to much and I seek professional help. So I know I will do whatever it takes to ensure this stops as I love my children unconditionally & always will! Sometimes I just feel like there’s so much going in my mind, Debts, failed relationships, house chores the list goes on and then on top of that my kids misbehaving I lose control of myself and I hate myself for it.. I will seek the appropriate help as I don’t like being this way, at all, I don’t want to bring my children to harm. Right now they are not fearful of me AT ALL infact quite the opposite I just wish they would listen, I know the screaming grabbing approach isn’t acceptable and needs to stop and I will makesure I speak openly and honestly with any healthcare professionals whatever it takes to maintain a positive loving relationship with my babies! I just sometimes I think I should be happy and I’m not and I try an pin point why I’m not and sometimes I blame the kids but I also know if ever they were taken from me I’d probably take my life, I am very confused and depressed at the moment and it just won’t go away feel like I’m battling some awful demons right now

Hi OP, are you in London? If you ever need some help with just some free time away from the kids or someone to talk to, please do reach out. My mum is a registered CM, and would be happy to help (free of charge!).

I've been reading this site for a while and do not often post at all, but if I feel someone is genuine and I can help, I would be happy too.

Do not be hard on yourself, you are human and children without doubt can be difficult. It is important you look after yourself too, many mothers often forget themselves when children come along, but you are important and so is your well-being.

Please do reach out to friends and family, or even your GP and speak to them. You could even contact IAPT and see if you can speak to someone, they are very helpful.

You are not a bad mother, nor are you horrible. The fact you have recognised your actions and know that this is of course not right, speaks volumes to your actual character.

I wish you the absolute best.

You can't do that. Sorry, I'm not going to pay you on the head and say its ok. It isn't. And I'm certainly not going to kick you when youre down. But that behaviour isn't ok.

In all honesty I think the children need to be cared for elsewhere whilst you sort yourself out properly. Be that with their dad, relatives or even Foster carers. You then need to be honest with professionals involved. For the time being you need to have the lesser roll.

Good luck op, you aren't a bad parent at all. Bad parents don't feel guilty. They think their behaviour is.ok. When it isn't.

They will start relating as you relate. Their norm.
They will believe the things you tell them they are.
This is serious and you have to change.

Your finances, the housework and failed relationships are all your things that you can work on, your children are not your rubbish bin to deposit your stress into.

I think you need to apologise to her as soon as you can, tell her it is wrong.

What tools do you have apart from your anger?
Did your parent/s rage at you?

I used to have a reward chart for myself and my children, and on my column i had using kind words and kind hands.
You could make these today.

@specterlitt..Bless you

For starters, you coming here asking for help and advice shows that you aren't horrible at all, you regret what you did straight away and you know it's not okay to treat your child that way. You can get help, you're going through emotions of a break up, you're learning how to adapt and be a single parent and you're stressed of having no time to yourself anymore.
You can speak to your doctor about this, they won't think you're horrible. There's groups you can go to, parenting classes that will teach you how to handle certain behaviour from your children. You can put your children in after school clubs etc so you can have some time to do your own thing. It's fine to reach out and ask for help, no one will judge you. it's okay not to be okay

No one finds parenting easy. speak to your children's father and tell him you need support, they're his children too and maybe he should have the children 50/50 for a while just till you're feeling calmer. It's not fair for him to only have them on weekends when you're struggling so much right now. He needs to have them for a day or two after school during the week too, maybe just for now?

Well done for posting on here op you have reached out
Being a parent is the hardest job in the world you are also parenting alone
It is so frustrating when kids dont listen!!
Agree see your hv and dr

I don't think you necessarily need to tell your friends/family everything but it wouldn't hurt to say you're struggling and need some support. Whether that's maybe coming over at times when you know you'll struggle and helping with the kids or an hours's babysitting once in a while so you can do something for yourself or even just having someone you can ring when things are starting to escalate with the kids so it breaks the cycle and gives you time to calm down. Figure out what might help you and then ask people for help with those things, they will want to help.

Between your family, friends and your HV etc you would have a decent support network and it's amazing how much difference that can make. It's really easy to become even more isolated in situations like this because you're afraid to ask for help for fear of judgement but it's the opposite of what you and DC need. Pull your support network close around you and use it to give you the strength to improve things, you don't have to do it all alone.

Oh trust me I don’t want patting on the head or anyone to tell me my behaviour is normal I’m posting on her as I know it’s far far far from it. If I didn’t have my children I would feel lost as they are my life now I wake up everyday because of them I go out everyday with them in the rain, snow hail I will take them kids out. I’m not justifying myself on any grounds but they are loved they are cared for I just do lose it to a ridiculous point and I KNOW it’s not normal or okay, I know it’s my mental health I KNOW I need to gain control, I’ve apologised, I told my little one it was not okay what I did, I told her it was very bad of me and I am so so sorry, I told her sometimes I find it hard when she misbehaves but I love her and it’s not ok or acceptable for me to scream or shout at her or grab her she hugged me and said she was sorry too... which made me feel worse to be honest! I’ve tried reward charts, I’ve tried a fairy door, writing her letters about her positive behaviour while also addressing negatives, I sometimes leave her presents for really good weeks, we have family nights, girly nights with a movie and pop corn, I have tried lots of different options, dad has them weekends an will refuse anymore, I see he struggles with our little girl too, and I actually get annoyed with how he speaks to her sometimes and then I think oh wow Becky you are so contradicting!! I know it’s my mental health i am getting referred to a phsyciatrist maybe this is what I need

I think that the suggestion that the children should be placed somewhere else is a bit harsh.
I feel for you, OP. Being a single parent is tough. I went through a phase like this after a bad break up and I can relate. I still get like this sometimes but not anywhere as often as I used to. Everytime you want to grab onto one of your children and shout at them, try hugging them instead. I know it may sound stupid but I've started doing it and realised that my anger goes the moment I give my 3yo a tight squeeze.
I'm also reading a book called Calm Parents, Happy Children. It had good reviews on Amazon and I'm hoping it'll give me some tips on how to handle my angry outbursts.

Are you in London?

I hated, hated alot of being a mum to tots, especially when they were under 3 (We had 3 under 3, so I understand your situation). I dreaded every day for a good couple of years, and felt like a hostage in my own house. I can't imagine doing it on my own! Every parent loses it sometimes, no matter what they say. Obviously hurting your daughter was going too far (as you know), but i remember once I smacked my lb on the hand, hard enough to leave a mark (didnt usually smack) and I knew I'd lost control and I was devastated. And guess what? I never did anything like that every again.

Please get help from family if possible. Lower expectations for now, until they're a bit easier. Use the tv/ tablet if it saves you going insane, get a mcflurry or something and take a long drive somewhere for some peace. Use at least one day of the weekend they are away for you, to rest and relax. And hang in there, one will be at school soon and it WILL get easier.
Stay away from social media, that presents a false image of being a mum, and hang in there. Your kids love you and you are enough. You sound a lovely person in need of some support and self care, in order to be the mum you want to be.

OP you need to remove yourself to another room when you feel the rage rising. It is NOT ok to grab a small child by the arms and face and shout in their ear

Please call your GP or health visitor urgently and let them know what’s been happening.

I think you need to be realistic op. You can't do everything. You need to choose your battles and understand that maybe when u had a partner, didn't have kids your house was spotless, kids where better behaved, you where more calm...etc. Reality is that you are being too hard on yourself and that stress is affecting your children. They will learn from you and you are teaching them that when you are angry you just explode... You need to sit down with them and say I am so sorry that I have behaved like that. It is wrong I shouldn't have done it. I love you and I need your help to not get angry. I need you to help me tidying up so mummy has more time to play with you, etc whatever is the situation. I would make a paper with rules of the house. Also when you are angry tell them you are getting angry because whatever and you need to be alone for a moment to calm down because you don't want to shout at them. Go bathroom shout, jump, breathe, have a shower whatever works for you. XXX I think you need to book a spa and have some relaxation. Reach out for help op. Good luck xxxx

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Sometimes this rage and anger can come from a place of feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

To try to gain back some control, try a journal or an organiser. Get things out of your head and onto paper.

You mentioned debts, house chores and other things? Get a plan done on how to deal with them.
Write a list of all your daily chores and get your dd to help you with them.
Is there a time slot in the day when your 2 yr old is napping and you can get in with something? Let your dd watch tv for a time.
Just try to get back as much control as possible to stop you getting overwhelmed.

Have you looked into not punishing your dc? 3 time outs for a 4 yr old is going to create friction and resentment.

You can try books like how to talk to so kids will listen or sites like ahaparenting has some good information.

www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/preschoolers/Life-Preschooler/preschoolers-3-to-4-year-olds

Do see your gp too.