I’m a bad mum & need help

[beckylou28]

I know people are going to think I’m disgusting because I do too. I absolutely love my children boy 2 & girl 4 I take them out on a regular basis and I enjoy my days out with them but I mainly take them out because I cannot tolerate them in the house. I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t of had children and that fills me with overwhelming guilt! I’m on my own with them following a bad break up. Their dad has them at the weekends, I have been to doctors and counselling but they just keep changing my medication. I’m now concerned at my rage and anger, I scream at them like literally SCREAM because I’m sick of the constant fighting the constant not being able to send a message on my phone or make important phone calls or keep up with my cleaning and household chores. I feel like everything’s a battle. Today I’ve had to reach out as after 3 times of time out with my little girl while tryin to clean my house, i screamed at her, I grabbed her tightly round the arms and shouted in her ear “Why, why are you doing this to me? Why do you not listen? Why?” And I just went on and on I grabbed her face and said you’re making your mum sad and cross and angry and I can’t do this anymore I then fell to the floor crying as she was telling me I had hurt her race & arms, I felt physically sick how could I hurt my own child? Rage just took over me and it was uncontrollable! I have said sorry and hugged her and told her I love her and she was absolutely fine, but I’m not! I feel disgusting and if I said this was the first time, I would be lying, this is reacurring and I don’t know what to do anymore! I hate waking up in the mornings and just want to go to bed, I feel the minute I open my eyes this starts! I just don’t know what to do or we’re to turn anymore, anyone who can help me or give me advise please do because I just feel like reaching for a bottle of wine and I have a sad feeling of not wanting to be here anymore & feeling that my children deserve and would be happier without me because I’m a cruel horrible bitch of a mother!!! Please some one any one with advice, thank you

OP you aren't horrible. If you were you wouldn't be concerned about what you did. Please make sure you use it as your reason to get help because it cannot happen again. But I understand because I have been very close to where you were before.

You have had some good advice here. Have you got HomeStart near you? They helped me out when I was struggling.

Hope you find something that helps x

Children want attention all the time and will do anything to get it. They don't care about phonecalls or house jobs and they will go on and on and on until you give up.

I have been on a lot of parenting courses and what stuck with me was, set the guidelines, then stick to them. So, I will play with you for ten minutes and then I need to wipe the kitchen for 10 minutes. When I have done that I will play for another 10 minutes. It might help to get a timer and give a small reward for compliance such as a felt pen, party bag toy, sticker or if desperate a sweet. Don't announce the treat first. Make it a surprise. I think your children are young enough to adapt quickly.

Also your eldest is going to school in sept. That might make it easier.

You are not a bad mum as you feel bad about what happened and you are getting help. I can so relate to your post. Being a lone parent is a hard gig.

Things will get easier. Keep reaching out for help.

I’m on Desvenlafaxine and it has really helped me to keep my temper with my DCs as I don’t get nearly as overwhelmed now.

"I told her sometimes I find it hard when she misbehaves but I love her and it’s not ok or acceptable for me to scream or shout at her or grab her she hugged me and said she was sorry too.."

Yes, she said sorry, because you're blaming her for your reactions. ("I did this because you did this"). In reality it's not your four year old's fault that you react the way you do. She's a child.

The advice to tell her, "I love you and I need your help to not get angry" is also awful for the same reason, sorry.

Show how to control your emotions, don't make her emotionally responsible for you.

Sorry, again, this isn't meant nastily, but you've already started minimising on this thread, it won't be long till you let it go inside too - until the next time, and the time after that, and the one after that. Please don't let it go.

Again, don't beat yourself up, it's not helpful and it's not my point. But it's on you, not the child.

I believe that in a family you work as a team since they are small. You help each other to improve. They can ask for help same as you can. You are telling them you are going to try to do things better but you need their help. I don't see a problem with that sorry...

The problem when there's consistent bad moods, screaming etc etc, is you're putting your emotions onto them.

They internalise it ("it's my fault that mummy is so angry") and start to walk on eggshells. Over time they're just scared. That's not playing as a team or helping each other.

There's a big difference between: "Please clean up your room so it's tidy" and "Please clean up your room because otherwise I'll lose control and scare the shit out of you, and it's your fault", IYSWIM.

Fallalal. This is what I have said .^^ "I need you to help me tidying up so mummy has more time to play with you, etc whatever is the situation. I would make a paper with rules of the house. Also when you are angry tell them you are getting angry because whatever and you need to be alone for a moment to calm down because you don't want to shout at them. Go bathroom shout, jump, breathe, have a shower whatever works for you." I think you didn't read what I have said. Anyway. Op I hope you are feeling better and taking appropriate steps to control your anger. Hugs

Also, i suggested a reward chart for you.
So you can all be accountable.

Put some easy to achieve targets for the children and one tricky one.
Kind hands and words for you.

Our children may not listen, but they will always model our behaviour.

I went to (what was then) sure start to get help with my parenting.
I never had many tools but i have been willing to change and to learn.

We are a happy-ish trio now, dread to think how things could have been if i did not change.

Each day my mission is, that my love gets through to them.

Fuck the bills and fuck the housework.

I can relate

Beckylou

I don't see this as you being abusive.

You have just been through one of life's major stressors. You are trying to get back in your feet. There is a lot of stress and distress in the build up to a relationship breakdown, and it takes years to recover from, depending on what was going on.

You very clearly adore your DC,and want to do the right thing.

It's extremely brave of you to reach out this way. Please ignore those that would stab anyone reaching out for help.

I would get out the house with them more, and ask those friends if they can help out some times so you can simply sit and gather your thoughts, go for a coffee alone, or walk and unwind.

When you have out them to bed, then do your chores. This will avoid the flashpoints of trying to do chores with them under your feet

Undoubtedly they will also be acting out, as a result of the breakup and changes for them. This also will take time, but being young they will be resilient and adapt.

It's you that needs to get more support in place.

How are you feeling at the moment?

Do keep talking.

fallafal OP clearly isn't, and your post is unhelpful in the extreme.

You are seeing things in a way that's not what's happening and OP has absolutely owned her feelings and apologised.

I agree with @fallafel

I think a bit of real talk helps.
Although op is unwell, the welfare of the children is paramount.
Screaming/grabbing childrens faces/shaking is abuse however you see it @Smotherofive, just as it would be adult to adult.

I dont think denying it is helpful.
Time to be accountable and make necessary changes.

What on earth do you think constitutes abuse Smotheroffive? Have you ignored where the OP describes this type of anger as routine? Do you only ever picture an abuser as a monster or something?

No, it's often from regular, "normal" people who have no control. I seriously hope you don't think this behaviour is okay.

I'm honestly not trying to "stab" the OP. I'm repeatedly telling her not to beat herself up. It's happened, move onwards and change.

But I'm also saying fight the urge to slip into complacency (as she already has in subsequent minimising posts).

Pinky, apologies, I missed your reply before. I did read your post where you suggested that the OP should say: "I love you and I need your help to not get angry".

My post above was in response to this sentence and I stand by it - small children should not have to hold responsibility like that, it's too much of a burden.

Anyway I really do hope that tomorrow is a better day for you OP, and that it gets better from here.

I agree with falafall too and saying that this behaviour isn't abusive is minimising it.

It is abusive.

However the OP recognises that it is abusive and wants to get help. This is a positive step and I sincerely hope she follows up on it.

Saying to get out of the house more and to do chores when they're in bed is all well and good but it doesn't address the root cause of the abuse or give the OP the emotional tools she needs to avoid falling back into her established behaviour patterns. Only a professional can do this after they have assessed what the OP needs and what would be in the best interests of the children.

I was raised by an abusive parent who was always sorry afterwards and always pointed out which part of our behaviour had triggered it but never actually took any steps to get help for their anger issues. I grew up thinking it was normal for a parent to occasionally lose their temper and it wasn't too big a deal if they were nice the rest of the time. It was only when I had my own DC and realised I could never do any of those things to them that I started questioning why it was acceptable that they were done to me. I am sometimes impatient with my DC such as when they're messing about instead of getting dressed for school, I sometimes have a bit of a strop about the place while I gather up socks left under beds and towels left on the floor, every now and again I raise my voice when telling them off, I have on occasion grabbed them when the situation has warranted it for example I have very quickly picked up the toddler when she's been about to bite her brother, grabbed DS2 by the arm when he was messing around at the top of the stairs and stumbled near the edge, and pinched DD1's face when she was a toddler and I needed her to open her mouth so I could scoop a pebble out of it. These things are normal. Screaming is not normal. Shouting on a daily basis is not normal. Shaking, grabbing, pinching, and hitting because of a lost temper is not normal.