How do I start living again?

[Batsypatsy]

I'm mid 50s, and have suffered with depression on and off for twenty odd years. The latest bout has lasted over three years and I've been unable to work. I've only worked in admin my whole life, although reasonably intelligent, but struggled already at school with motivation and concentration. I'm divorced, single parent to an 18 year old, we live in rented accommodation in an awful area, no savings.

I feel my life is over. Various phobias prevent me working in some areas. I'm unsure that I could work on an office due to physical problems, for example IBS, that make my life a misery. I'm extremely anxious. If I started work and couldn't cope, I'd lose the benefits I struggled to get in the first place and trying to get them again would be too difficult to cope with mentally, the stress made me extremely ill. The winter has been so difficult, I don't sleep well, so stay up until 4 or 5 a.m., then get up around 2 p.m. - if at all. I'm hoping things will improve as the weather improves, but tbh doubt it.

I don't want to be like this for ever. I'm bored. I don't see anyone apart from my partner, have no friends, no siblings. Due to my mental health I've fallen out with the few extended family members (I wasn't close to anyway) I have left apart from my mother. We're a very small family, several generations of only children. I struggle around people.

My anxiety and physical health are holding me back. I see suggestions to volunteer, but the options are very limited where I am, mainly charity shops, and I can't cope with the smell and have a fear of germs and can't face dealing with the sort of people I've seen working in many of them. I'm also unreliable due to my health. Plus even the ability to volunteer could affect my benefits.

It all seems hopeless. Doctors don't know what to do. I'm taking antidepressants that don't seem to help, I've tried many different ones. I'm on the waiting list for counselling - again - in the past it hasn't helped.

My life is over and it doesn't seem worth living tbh. I'm useless. I feel I've always been useless, dwelling on mistakes I've made.

How can I move on? Become more positive?

I could work from home, but there seems to be nothing I can do that would earn enough to pay rent, utilities and food plus travel to visit my mum who lives 5 hours journey away.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading if you've stuck with it. I didn't want to drip feed, although no doubt I've left lots out. I'm not pathetic, I used to have lots of fight in me. I was self employed for a time, typing, but when I divorced I couldn't support myself as the pay was shockingly bad.

I've no idea where to go from here, it seems my life is over. I live in fear of the next benefits assessment when they could take everything away from me. If I leave the house I worry I'm being watched and they'll take my benefits away. It's no way to live

I don't know what I'm asking ... Has anyone been in this situation?

I'd like to learn something but can't afford to. I've no degree, no A levels. I can't afford Open University. I can't commit to attending a college daily. I've tried free online courses and just don't get anything done because I've no motivation.

It feels like my life is over.

No one

Hi there you can do an open university course, doesn't have to be a full degree. It can be a foundation one (you don't need GCSEs or a levels to do them)
Also in your position I wouldn't give up benefits, as if you do start work and then feel bad again it would be a nightmare.
Do you like animals? I have recently got a dog and he seriously transformed my life. I have to get out along the house 2/3 times a day to walk him and it does my mental health sooo much good!
Other suggestion would be a routine, start by getting your house sorted, decluttering, cleaning that sort of thing will make you feel better.
Longer term - see how you get on with open uni, this could lead to a very part time job, once you certain you can commit to say 1 day a week or something to start with.
Hope this help, sorry if not Xx

Also you get student finance for open uni, I didn't have to pay. And you don't have to pay the student loan back until you earn over a certain amount

I did have a dog but wasn't walking her as much as I should so rehomed her. I miss her terribly. I do have cats though.

I'd not be able to do a part time job as again I'd lose my benefits but not earn enough to live off.

I wouldn't get any finance as during my marriage my ex ran up lots of debt in joint names and my credit rating is awful.

Hi Batsypatsy have you heard of moocs?
Massive open online courses?
So if you go to coursera, or edx, you will see a range of free online courses in 1000s if subjects, totally free. They do not always lead to a recognized accreditation, but they are really high quality offerings from leading universities.

Sorry ..., posted too soon. You can start immediately, go at your own pace completely. No pressure.
You can connect with other learners all over the world if you wish, or work really independently.
Although the courses aren’t all degrees or whatever, some do have credits , and some niche courses are actually sought after by employers. There are no real
Admission criteria , you just make an account (2 mins) and immerse yourself in anything from anatomy to modern art. It’s very liberating.

Also futurelearn.com is another great mooc site.

OP, can I suggest you read up on ASD in women and see if it rings any bells with you?

Also there are a few online volunteering projects that can be quite interesting. Kew gardens was advertising recently for people to help with their archives. Atlas of Western Australia (random) is another wide range botanical project (if I remember correctly) that you can participate in.

Also maybe in the future you’d be interested in being a virtual assistant? People with good typing skills are in high demand. You can jump from project to project so take downtime when you need it, and generally the rates are better than something like peopleperhour (which you may have already looked at and found the rates of pay discouraging!)

Thanks.

I struggle with phone calls so not sure I could be a virtual assistant? Also not sure I could earn enough. If not via peopleperhour how would I find work though?

Thanks for the ideas for courses, I'll have a look. I love art so that might be a good idea.

Thanks for the tip re ASD? What made you think that could apply to me? I'll look into it.

There are various agencies for virtual assistants.
You’d have to research a little as it isn’t my area of expertise really. I do have a friend who does it and most of her work is online admin, not so much phone. You’d have to do a little research.
That’s great that you love art. Do you like to paint and draw? Or do you like to go to galleries?

www.coursera.org/moma

There are some good art courses here in collaboration with moma, some starting this weekend I think?

Thanks, that's really helpful. I draw a little but only copying sketches. I craft a little. I like going to galleries too

I am so sorry. I’ve been feeling very similar lately. Does anything at all cut through the mire for you? Also try finding some speakers you like online, Kyle Cease has helped me a lot.

www.edx.org/course/drawing-nature-science-culture-natural-newcastlex-nhi101x-1

This one is also nice. Illustration.
Drawing can be quite therapeutic. And it’s nice to do it with purpose. Maybe get a little feedback. And just enjoy it.
Would you ever fancy a life drawing class at a local arts centre or something similar or is that a bit too much?
Generally I think people are so consumed with their own work.... it’s a nice way to spend time and maybe a step into changing the rhythm of your day. It’s not loads of talking and socialising, and nobody cares if you just draw a belly button and nothing else.

Thank you plot and sorry you're feeling the same.

I'm struggling to find something that helps. I feel better when I'm out with people I feel comfortable with, but know no one and struggle to go out. I like going to pub quizzes, especially music ones. I like reading a really good book, but get dispirited when I start one and can't get into it. I really enjoyed the Fredrik Backsen (?) ones.

Insomnia, chronic treatment resistant depression, anti depressants don't work, digestive problems, trouble maintaining relationships, sensory issues, social anxiety...

Endless I don't think I could draw like that, I just copy things I find on Pinterest. Mainly cats/ballerinas/birds and similar. But mainly rough sketches. I do go to a craft group when I can get out which I enjoy. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so get annoyed if I can't do something.

I have jigsaws here to do but no dining table to sit at and on the floor the cat knocks all the pieces around.

Cailleach

I am sorry for you. I have depression myself (quite recent) and have been reading up a lot about it. It seems that nearly everyone seems to think that exercise is the answer. I am going to try getting out for 5km every day for a fortnight and then asking myself some key questions again. Would you like to try to do the same and maybe we could compare notes?

@batsypasty there’s no expectation of you to achieve any standard :)

ohyes I can't run due to a bad prolapse. I try to walk when the weather's ok.

I think you have misunderstood...those are YOUR symptoms and they are some of the symptoms of autism...