How do I start living again?

[Batsypatsy]

I'm mid 50s, and have suffered with depression on and off for twenty odd years. The latest bout has lasted over three years and I've been unable to work. I've only worked in admin my whole life, although reasonably intelligent, but struggled already at school with motivation and concentration. I'm divorced, single parent to an 18 year old, we live in rented accommodation in an awful area, no savings.

I feel my life is over. Various phobias prevent me working in some areas. I'm unsure that I could work on an office due to physical problems, for example IBS, that make my life a misery. I'm extremely anxious. If I started work and couldn't cope, I'd lose the benefits I struggled to get in the first place and trying to get them again would be too difficult to cope with mentally, the stress made me extremely ill. The winter has been so difficult, I don't sleep well, so stay up until 4 or 5 a.m., then get up around 2 p.m. - if at all. I'm hoping things will improve as the weather improves, but tbh doubt it.

I don't want to be like this for ever. I'm bored. I don't see anyone apart from my partner, have no friends, no siblings. Due to my mental health I've fallen out with the few extended family members (I wasn't close to anyway) I have left apart from my mother. We're a very small family, several generations of only children. I struggle around people.

My anxiety and physical health are holding me back. I see suggestions to volunteer, but the options are very limited where I am, mainly charity shops, and I can't cope with the smell and have a fear of germs and can't face dealing with the sort of people I've seen working in many of them. I'm also unreliable due to my health. Plus even the ability to volunteer could affect my benefits.

It all seems hopeless. Doctors don't know what to do. I'm taking antidepressants that don't seem to help, I've tried many different ones. I'm on the waiting list for counselling - again - in the past it hasn't helped.

My life is over and it doesn't seem worth living tbh. I'm useless. I feel I've always been useless, dwelling on mistakes I've made.

How can I move on? Become more positive?

I could work from home, but there seems to be nothing I can do that would earn enough to pay rent, utilities and food plus travel to visit my mum who lives 5 hours journey away.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading if you've stuck with it. I didn't want to drip feed, although no doubt I've left lots out. I'm not pathetic, I used to have lots of fight in me. I was self employed for a time, typing, but when I divorced I couldn't support myself as the pay was shockingly bad.

I've no idea where to go from here, it seems my life is over. I live in fear of the next benefits assessment when they could take everything away from me. If I leave the house I worry I'm being watched and they'll take my benefits away. It's no way to live

(You asked why I thought ASD may be a possibility...)

Batsypatsy do you have any energy for some totally ridiculous fun ? Have you tried any online interactive trivia quizzes like hq trivia?
I know this sounds mad, but there are music ones.
Silly online game quiz Show where you play via an app. It starts at the same time each day and is totally daft. It’s five minutes in the day where you just indulge yourself in something 100%frivolous and have a giggle that you do.

Sorry Cailleach , I did misunderstand ... very tired, only got four hours sleep last night, woken by drilling upstairs that went on all day. Feeling very fragile

I'll look into ASD, I don't know much about it.

Endless yes that sounds fun. I'll have a look.

Thanks for the info about visual assistants Endless, it's definitely something I'd consider. I was a home based typist but worked so hard for very little money, I nearly ruined my fingers and became very stressed and did not earn enough to live off.

I find I'm always worrying about something and don't know how to turn it off. It's exhausting. My three children all have mental health problems and I worry about them all, especially my youngest who is still at home. I get worn down by my own physical problems, I have health anxiety so any little symptom sets me off worrying. Making phone calls makes me extremely anxious so I stress about making dr appointments, I can book online but there are rarely any available. Then I get there and they can't or won't do anything about it or it involves a hospital procedure and I have a fear of hospitals, anaesthetics and germs. I'm just a mess and want to just enjoy my life really.

Spend some time exploring different types of art and craft, get involved in the communities around which ever ones you enjoy. In person if you can but also online, set up an Instagram account and follow people who’s work you like and get chatting. Post things you like, or have created and maybe learn how to create a blog. You might find by starting a new online life you will begin to feel more confident and move onto a whole new life.

Thank you. I really don't think I'm good enough, but wouldn't know how to start a blog . I do follow a few crafters on Instagram and I've just subscribed to a craft magazine because there was an offer of 3 issues for £3.

Have you looked into CBT? It would be helpful for controlling your anxiety. When the panic starts just take a really deep breath and tell yourself it's just a thought, and you don't need to give it attention. Also do something, anything, to distract yourself - run on the spot, put the kettle on, walk round the block. They sound like small silly things but they can stop the negative thoughts from spiralling.

I'm very grateful for all the suggestions. I'm actually feeling slightly optimistic. I just wish I could turn off the worrying.

I'm waiting for CAT but not sure how long it will take. Thanks for the suggestions, I'll try that.

Just as a slightly different perspective...
I follow zillions of arty blogs/ Instagram accounts/ twitter accounts. It really isn’t the quality of art/ craft that people like to see. It’s really just a reminder that people in the world share a similar motivation. It’s just inspiring that people get up each day and try to do something they enjoy.
The result doesn’t matter too much. Simply it’s nice to talk to others about process , technique , materials. Sometimes something good comes out and other times, something rubbish. And on the rubbish days there’s a whole host of strangers in the world with gentle encouraging words.

Batsypatsy you say you have a partner ?
Would they consider helping you with phone calls and stuff?

My partner does help with phone calls, yes.

But obviously I couldn't ask him to do it if it was part of my job.

Batsy sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I've had difficulties with depression and there's a lot if mental illness in my family so I do understand a lot of what you're saying.

I'd really recommend joining a local art class. You can be very average, everyone is. For me it got me out once a week, did a little drawing, painting. It's a good distraction and absorbing and gave me a break from how crap I was feeling. I met some lovely people, others were there for a variety of reasons. It's been a big help.

The other thing I'd recommend if you possibly can is get out for a walk. Even 20 minutes a day in nature is so beneficial. In some places there are walking groups for people who are lonely or have mental health difficulties, or just general walking groups.

Things can improve, I know it's hard to believe when you're feeling so rubbish. Hang in there.

Thanks colouringinpro. I used to go to an art group, but then some noisier teens started going and I found it quite intimidating, I don't cope well with aggression and noise. I can't afford an expensive one.

I try and walk when the weather is ok, you're right, it does help, but I don't live in a nice area, and I'm a timid driver, not driving to unfamiliar areas, and struggle with public transport, so it can be a bit difficult.

Ah it's not so easy if you don't have access to somewhere nice. What's the shortest say bus journey to a bit of green space?

Art stuff doesn't have to be expensive, quite often you can find a group running for a couple of hours in a church hall or community centre. I've found they're usually full of older people.

If you like animals one thing a friend of mine does is walks neighbour's dogs.

Anyhow rambling now... take care

Batsy

I'm the same. Unfortunately I sank very deep into conspiracy theories whilst doing my degree and became a bit of a wreck on and off for the past twenty years - eg did the holocaust happen so that Israel would be founded, was it all an agreement, are we going to fight and die again, our whole society is just a massive criminal enterprise etc. Being Irish, I have huge emotional issues with the idea of a 'war on terrorism'. Originally I wanted to be a history teacher but decided against that after my degree. I married someone ostensibly from a very different culture and had 2 kids (I say ostensibly because I think the Irish and Indians have more in common than I do with English/Germans etc) I went and did a hair and makeup course and have been working in that instead - workwise I couldn't be happier - it's very rewarding and I don't feel I'm harming anyone but bringing them joy.

Anxiety is still huge though. I am seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I've been on several medications including Citalopram, Xanax etc. The one I am on now seems to be helping the most - it's called Rexultit. The citalopram helped take the edge off the anxiety but the Rexultit does both that and helps me with plannjng ahead etc.

Could you possibly do a course in a vocation related area which doesn't need a university degree? It would be terrible to do a uni degree and find it didn't really help you in the job market. Did you have any hobbies when you were younger, before the depression? Could you possibly get into work related to those? My brother has similar issues - he always lived climbing from age of about 2 (he was that 4 year old sitting at the top of pine trees) became a chef and hated it- so he started running rockclimbing tours and now he works for a mining company which involves climbing to do geological surveys. Could you assist someone? Don't think about your age - there's nothing you can do to change it.

You need CBT, a therapist and maybe a church (not for the religion although it may help, but more for the community support).

Shrewbie is right about the church!! My psychologist and I were going through my relatives to see who was emotionally stable and who was not. A recurring theme was that those who were I would mention 'they are/were very religious' as in regular church attendance etc. I didn't even notice it until we did that. I have had some issues with the church so I didn't want to believe it!!

Thanks all.

No hobbies other than reading, no. I'm no good outside, can't handle getting my hands dirty. I couldn't do something like hair and beauty, I have psoriasis so my hands would be sore if I handled chemicals. I'm honestly no good at anything. As a child I wanted to be a teacher or librarian, but I don't have a degree for teaching and I do have emetophobia so would struggle around kids all the time anyway. Library jobs are few and far between anyway and I've no qualifications. But I'd love something that is simple, where I'm not stressed and can't go wrong and enjoy what I'm doing. It just doesn't seem to exist.

I'm not religious, I don't think I could attend church.

Hi OP sorry you are feeling this way. I would really recommend a book called ‘Lost Connections’ by Johann Hari. It totally changed the way I looked at my depression and anxiety. It changed my life.
Good luck.

Thanks NabooThatsWho, I'll look for the book

Maybe a library assistant job? Perhaps start really small and find a scrap of joy every day - as in actively looking for it or making an effort to create it. Good smells - like lavender oil or baking ginger biscuits always make me feel a bit better. Then note it down at the end of the day so you have something nice to look back at. It’s not necessarily about what you have achieved, but what you have chosen to notice and enjoy.

Also you could look into the Unitarian church- they are a lovely community who don’t really require you to believe in anything.