How do I start living again?

[Batsypatsy]

I'm mid 50s, and have suffered with depression on and off for twenty odd years. The latest bout has lasted over three years and I've been unable to work. I've only worked in admin my whole life, although reasonably intelligent, but struggled already at school with motivation and concentration. I'm divorced, single parent to an 18 year old, we live in rented accommodation in an awful area, no savings.

I feel my life is over. Various phobias prevent me working in some areas. I'm unsure that I could work on an office due to physical problems, for example IBS, that make my life a misery. I'm extremely anxious. If I started work and couldn't cope, I'd lose the benefits I struggled to get in the first place and trying to get them again would be too difficult to cope with mentally, the stress made me extremely ill. The winter has been so difficult, I don't sleep well, so stay up until 4 or 5 a.m., then get up around 2 p.m. - if at all. I'm hoping things will improve as the weather improves, but tbh doubt it.

I don't want to be like this for ever. I'm bored. I don't see anyone apart from my partner, have no friends, no siblings. Due to my mental health I've fallen out with the few extended family members (I wasn't close to anyway) I have left apart from my mother. We're a very small family, several generations of only children. I struggle around people.

My anxiety and physical health are holding me back. I see suggestions to volunteer, but the options are very limited where I am, mainly charity shops, and I can't cope with the smell and have a fear of germs and can't face dealing with the sort of people I've seen working in many of them. I'm also unreliable due to my health. Plus even the ability to volunteer could affect my benefits.

It all seems hopeless. Doctors don't know what to do. I'm taking antidepressants that don't seem to help, I've tried many different ones. I'm on the waiting list for counselling - again - in the past it hasn't helped.

My life is over and it doesn't seem worth living tbh. I'm useless. I feel I've always been useless, dwelling on mistakes I've made.

How can I move on? Become more positive?

I could work from home, but there seems to be nothing I can do that would earn enough to pay rent, utilities and food plus travel to visit my mum who lives 5 hours journey away.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading if you've stuck with it. I didn't want to drip feed, although no doubt I've left lots out. I'm not pathetic, I used to have lots of fight in me. I was self employed for a time, typing, but when I divorced I couldn't support myself as the pay was shockingly bad.

I've no idea where to go from here, it seems my life is over. I live in fear of the next benefits assessment when they could take everything away from me. If I leave the house I worry I'm being watched and they'll take my benefits away. It's no way to live

Thanks. I wanted to work in a library, but I got a volunteer job, then couldn't turn up. I had a massive panic attack and couldn't do it. I want a life, but then I just want to be alone at home.

Most of the folk who go to church are not intact "religious"....try it.

I've not heard of unitarian churches. I'd still feel awkward I think. If I could get there in the first place.
What do they do apart from hold services?

Hi Patsy, I really sympathise with the ibs, it makes my life a misery too, I am your age and have struggled a lot since the menopause
I do find exercise helps
(also find cannabis quite helpful - I appreciate thats a controversial area!)

Patsy, I wonder if you could do a bit of yoga at home?

Thanks hearhear. I used to do yoga, but struggle to find the motivation at home and struggle to get to a group, I'm not as flexible as I used to be at all!

Ibs is so miserable. I have ibs-c and also an anal fissure. Any sort of laxative affects my stomach, but otherwise I'm in constant pain. Add to that an episiotomy or three
from 18 years ago that is a mess, and causes me constant pain, and I'm just in pain and feel miserable. My gp isn't interested and I couldn't go into hospital anyway due to my fear so there's no solution.

Sorry to say this, but there do seem to be quite a lot of excuses in your posts, “I can’t do this because...”.

What do you WANT to do? If you could do anything?

Sorry I just feel like I can't do anything. Struggle to go out when I have to be somewhere.

I just want to feel normal again. I'm tired all the time, could just sit in front of the tv all day and do when I'm on my own.

You’ve taken the first step in posting on here, so you clearly want things to change. Do you like reading? If so, I would recommend 2 books:

The Motivation Hoax.
Be Your Own Life Coach.

I do like reading, thanks I'll look them up.

I would also get some Melatonin for your sleep problems. My DS takes it and it knocks him out. A good night’s sleep changes everything.

And you’ve got loads of interests: crafts, pub quizzes, yoga, reading... try to schedule those into your life. And if you don’t want to do them, well, just do them anyway.

I have never once wanted to go to yoga, not once. But I just focus on putting one foot in front of the other until I get there. If you wait until you feel motivated, it will never happen.

Sorry it sounds like excuses but I've tried melatonin but it did nothing for me. Maybe the dose was wrong though.

Maybe it was the wrong dose. Did you buy it from the chemist or did the doctor give it to you? My DS takes 1 ml a night. He is very hyperactive but the Melatonin knocks him out. He’s only small and skinny though, so you might need more.

I've no one to go to pub quizzes with. I do try to read and go to a craft group. I'll look into a yoga group again,

IBS is miserable, it makes you feel rotten all the time and it's very hard to feel positive mentally when you feel so crap, I find enemas quite helpful but thats a whole other subject really

I couldn't face an enema

The Unitarians have a website - I am not one myself, but they seem to be a pretty kind and sociable bunch.

Thanks I'll have a look.

@HearHear I don't have a problem with cannabis but wouldn't know where to get it these days

Maybe you could try cbd oil?

Ah bless you. What would you like to do? I don't mean exactly what, because that's what you are asking for help with, but can you describe any parts of it?

For example, would you like to get out of the house on two afternoons a week, would you like to do something with other people, would you like something to occupy your evenings?

Thanks GeorgeTheFirst. I'm not sure what I want to do. I'd like to feel normal, to make friends I feel comfortable with, who I can go for a drink with. I'd like to be able to work, a quiet non stressful job where I can earn enough to support myself - I don't need much, just to pay rent, council tax, utility bills, food, broadband, mobile phone. I'd love a dog again, that I can walk, but in rented it's difficult to find somewhere that allows them. The area I live in isn't very nice to walk around and I can't really move because this is the cheap area. At some point I plan to move closer to family but it would be a big move and I can't face it just now.
I used to have a normal life. Going out with friends, walking the dog, working. Now I do nothing and speak to no one. I'm bored and lonely but struggle to do anything about it because I'm scared to go out/ meet people. I'm tired all the time and sleep most of the day because at night I can't sleep because my mind is racing with worries.

So you'd like to work, either volunteering or paid. Just a couple of shifts a week to start off.

And you'd like to walk a dog. Is there an older person or a working person nearby who would like you to walk their dog for them?

Do you make sure you get out of the house every day? I think that can be very helpful.

The problem is if I start working I'll lose my benefits so I have to make sure I can work full time and that I'll earn enough to cover all my costs.

I try to get out for a walk when the weather's ok. I've actually advertised saying I'll walk a dog for free - no replies. I don't know anyone to ask.