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Mental health

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Original poster

Can't go on

43 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 07/04/2019 23:01

I hate myself. I just fuck up all the time. I am supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow but i just don't want to wake up. I know its cliche but i honestly believe that people are cursed by my presence. Ive fucked up at work. The chances are it wont come to anything and someone more experienced than me has reassured me it will be ok. However it has made me question if im suitable for the job. The trouble is i dont think im suitable for any job. If i lose this job we are fucked. The fallout will mean we will lose our house and my DP has had enough.

Im frettung and my dp says im going to ruin the holiday. He is probably right.

I have bpd and im in therapy and on meds so please dont recommend those things.

I know this thread will be deleted but i need a hand hold. I don't feel safe and cant tell anyone irl

OP posts:

Chimchar · 07/04/2019 23:05

I'm sorry that you're feeling so shit.
It will pass....you just have to keep wading until it does.

Do something to distract yourself from inside your head...watch some comedy. Listen to some upbeat music. Put on an audiobook or podcast. Try and fall asleep. Whatever.

You can call the Samaritans if you want to talk.

The best thing you could do is to tell someone irl.

I really need to go to sleep now, but I couldn't read and run.

Be kind to yourself and hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day. A change of scenery could be just what you need. Xx

Marlena1 · 07/04/2019 23:06

Everyone messes up so don't let that get you down. In a year you won't be thinking about this mistake so try not to let it ruin your holiday. Your DP obviously loves you too. I hope you get to relax a bit and enjoy it. More senior people are supposed to fix these things, that's why they are more senior

SlB09 · 07/04/2019 23:07

You have 100% success rate at getting through up to now. You will get through to the other side. I have no specific advice but if you have any access to psychological support then go for it and be supported for a wee while until your strong enough x

sirmione16 · 07/04/2019 23:10

I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now, OP.

Try to break things down in your mind to make them easier to deal with and a little less overwhelming as one big issue. For instance: what's happening right now, what has happened and what could happen.

For things in the has happened: try to acknowledge, accept and recognise them and put a plan in your mind of how what you'll do different or how you feel about it, or what you took away from that experience. Make peace with it as much as you can

For right now (the holiday) take a deep breath and focus on what you need to do to get you through. Make a timeline in your head (holiday for example 7am breakfast, 8am check travel, 9am get ready to leave,...) each one is an accomplishment.! Take it slow

For the future: focus on what you want, what do you hope for and aim for, what's within your control. Make a mental list of the positives

You're doing great, and you know what works for you. You know your mind and how you're going to power through all of this, believe in yourself. Enjoy your holiday, where are you off to?xx

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 07/04/2019 23:13

I just need to know my error wont have consequences. It wasn't so much an error but an oversite due to being rushed and stressed but the consequences could be catastrophic, not just for me. The evidence suggests that i noticed in time and there was no harm done however its just playing on my mind so much. I fear i may do something drastic if it turns out otherwise. Im supposed to be on holiday and I'll find out tomorrow if things are ok. If they aren't then i dont know how to get through it pretending to dd that all is well and we are having a lovely holiday when i actually want to die.

OP posts:

Asta19 · 07/04/2019 23:16

Sorry you’re feeling this way
Something you need to know is a lot of us are fuck ups! I wing it all the time. I have screwed up a lot in my life. A lot of people around me think I’m strong and capable but they don’t know what’s inside my head. So many of us just fake it. You are not alone in how you feel and the people around you won’t be as “together” as you think they are.

Try and take the holiday one day at a time. Just focus on trying to enjoy each day of it, as it comes. The work situation sounds like it will be fine but even if it wasn’t, you can’t change that. I don’t know how old you are but I am nearly 50 now and something that’s helped me is seeing that no matter what, things work out ok in the end. Maybe not perfect but ok.

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 07/04/2019 23:17

Im 48. I cant do this anymore i feel bad

OP posts:

visitorthedog · 07/04/2019 23:23

Hang in there Lem. We don’t know each other but I’ve been around for years under name changes and so I’m just saying, you can do this a step at a time, even though it doesn’t feel like it. One breath at a time, it can and will only get better. Hold on.

visitorthedog · 07/04/2019 23:26

I know it’s not the time for humour, but just sometimes, being British, a little black humour helps. Whatever you’ve done at work, we’ll all have an equivalent story. Also, it can’t be worse than what David Cameron, Teresa May and Nigel Farage have been up to?

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 07/04/2019 23:26

Ive been holding on for so long now - im tired

OP posts:

visitorthedog · 07/04/2019 23:29

I know it’s not the sort of tired you mean, but could you sleep, a little? I do very much second the Samaritans too, my dad was one for many years and passed away last year. I know he spoke to many people that felt like this, and came out the other side. People care, I promise.

visitorthedog · 07/04/2019 23:31

Do you have anyone at all you can tell, if not? I know you would want to hear if it was a family member or friend of yours? I know I would 💗

Crabbyandproudofit · 07/04/2019 23:32

If you want to talk to someone call Samaritans, it's a free number, 116 123. Just talking through your worries could help you see a way through.

You say you have messed up at work. Someone more experienced says it will be alright - believe them. By the time you come back from your holiday it will probably be sorted.
You are not sure if you are suited to this job. Would you feel this way if you were not under so much pressure to keep it? When you come back from your holiday then you can evaluate if this is the right employment for you, perhaps you need more support or training. It is the responsibility of more senior staff to help you to achieve your best.
You don't want to share with your DP how you are feeling. That is your choice but you are not giving him the opportunity to help you. You have/are trying to help yourself, remember that therapy and medication can take time to be effective.
You are going on holiday tomorrow. Worrying about spoiling the holiday will tend to spoil the holiday. Write down what you are worried about then leave it, if you have ideas of actions you could take then you can add them to a list. Then fake it, put on a smile and work hard at enjoying your holiday.

You are not a bad person, just be kind to yourself.

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 07/04/2019 23:33

There is no one. My dp has had enough. I bottled it up all weekend and told him tonight. He hates me.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 07/04/2019 23:34

There are people you can talk to tonight. The Samaritans will listen. A and e will look after you if you think you might hurt yourself.

tastylancs · 07/04/2019 23:37

Hi Lem, you've noticed the error, you've discussed it with someone senior at work. You were rushed and stressed, it wasn't all your fault. And making mistakes is human. You need to stop thinking about it now, you can't change whatever it was you did. Please be kind to yourself and try to sleep and recover a little from the horrid stress you've been under. I really really hope you have a better day tomorrow and can relax a little on holiday.

visitorthedog · 07/04/2019 23:37

I just want to say, if you work in some type of medical background, then people make mistakes there too, because they’re human, not because they’re wrong for a job or a bad person but because humans are fallible. Whatever mistake you think you’ve made, you are just one of millions of people that have done the same. We all have, I promise.

Asta19 · 07/04/2019 23:38

Your work error sounds very much like one I made once. I was terrified so I know how you feel. But I admitted my mistake and my boss took the attitude of we’re all only human and mistakes happen. Your colleague seems to be of the same view so I really do think it will be fine. I can totally understand though why this is overshadowing the holiday.

I know you said you’re on meds but maybe this is worth discussing with your GP? You might not be on the right medication. I took one anti depressant for years and it would work for a while and then I’d feel shit again. I finally got put on a combination of 2 about a year ago now and it has genuinely changed my life.

Can you talk to your DP? Or there are the Samaritans as a PP suggested. Or even get a notebook and write everything down that’s worrying you. You have a DP and a DD who love you and would be devastated if they lost you. I do know how hard it is when you feel like you can’t go on. Just try and get through it a day at a time, or even an hour at a time if that’s what it takes. If you need to go and sob your heart out then do it. Be kind to yourself. But remember you are of value, you have people in your life who love you and need you. You don’t need to be the life and soul of the holiday, your family will be happy at spending time with you.

visitorthedog · 07/04/2019 23:39

Also, yes, Samaritans, you can also email them.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/write-email/

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 07/04/2019 23:51

I cant talk to them because dp is awake. Im just so tired of things fucking up.

OP posts:

visitorthedog · 07/04/2019 23:59

It’s an exhausting feeling, I know it, like trying to keep going with a lead suit on. You’re not alone though.

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 08/04/2019 02:10

Laying in bed want to scream the house down. Can't do this

OP posts:

tartandreams · 08/04/2019 02:28

You will be okay, this WILL be okay! stop focusing on the mistake at work now, it's out of your control, you are human and mistakes happen to us all. Call the Samaritans, keep talking on here, we all want you to be okay, we are all behind you

Original poster

TheoriginalLEM · 08/04/2019 03:00

Thankyou everybody. I am praying there are no repercussions but i have decided to discuss this with management even if there isn't. This happened because i am relatively inexperienced and was flustered and rushing due to being ridiculously short staffed. It doesn't mean i wont accept responsibility but i think this has a massive bearing on things We cannot go on like it.

You are all so kind and i really don't deserve it. I feel like a pathetic person. I have to be there for my dd(s) though.

OP posts:

Chimchar · 08/04/2019 06:35

Morning Lem. I think discussing with management is a good idea. And making mistakes is human...try and take comfort from the fact that your senior has told you it will be ok.

Your kids need you. You say that your partner hates you...I'm sure he doesn't. It may be hard for him hearing how unhappy you are.

I hope that today brings you some brighter moments. Go minute by minute if you need to. And please do talk to someone who can help you...would you see your gp?

Take care x

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